Oh Canada... (felon permission to travel to the True North)

If you are like me, you may have thought that once convicted of your felony, your travel days to Canada were officially over.

As someone who has always loved Canada (growing up in the Midwest put me within hours of a border at most times). I love the French language of the east coast. I love the beauty of Brittish Columbia. I love the ability to cross a bridge or a border in my car and be in another country in less than a half a day from I-90/I-94 (which pretty much run the length of the U.S.).

However, once convicted of my felony, I believed that it would be an unreachable country into the future, due to laws that forbid felons from entering. My birthdays of being in Whistler, Canada and trips to Montreal for a change of pace would be something of past memories. My family would still be able to go, but I would be stranded on this side of the border - no Alaska Cruise that "happens" to stop in Vancouver. No academic conferences that happen to be in Toronto or Calgary.

I happened to mention these issues to another PhD student at my school, who happens to be from Canada. We were talking about a conference I cannot attend, because it will be in Canada. She informed me of a couple ways for U.S. ex-felons to gain permission for travel into Canada. The shock that turned into a smile was fathomable as I started to realize that "for now" I may be unable to travel North, but perhaps not "forever." Just like my program of recovery, we have to live in the day and I do not know what the future will bring, but I have a new HOPE that I will once again travel freely and legally to a Country I happen to love.

So, of course, I wanted to share this news with all of you. 

The best way to get permission to travel to Canada is to fill out an application (http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/applications/guides/5312ETOC.asp#5312E4) that you have been rehabilitated. The application is something you do in advance and pay approx. $200 to find out if they will approve you. You must be 5 years post-sentencing (including probation) - or 10 years for major offenses (ones that could carry 10 years of prison time). You need to show that you have been rehabilitated and are not likely to offend again. This is done through sharing a lot of documents asked by the application (http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/pdf/kits/forms/IMM5507E.pdf) Documents include: court documents, sentence completion documents, a criminal clearance document, state police and FBI documents, and more. Does this sound burdensome? Yes. Is it worth is? Once deemed rehabilitated, you would be free to enter/leave the country any time. Keep in mind that it can take up to 6 months for a rehabilitation application to be approved.

For those that want it to be simpler and do not plan to travel much to Canada, they can "take their chances" at the border - in a legal way. If you bring proof of rehabilitation to the border (http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/inadmissibility/rehabilitation.asp#a2) you may be assessed right there for entry. Immigration officers at the border do the assessment on site.

"You are eligible to apply for deemed rehabilitation at a port of entry if:

• you only had one conviction in total or committed only one crime
• at least ten years have passed since you completed all sentences (payment of all fees, jail time completed, restitution paid, etc.)
• the crime you committed is not considered a serious crime in Canada AND
• the crime did not involve any serious property damage, physical harm to any person, or any type of weapon.

A request for deemed rehabilitation is not guaranteed to be approved.
If you think you are eligible, be sure you have these documents if you travel to Canada:

• passport or birth certificate plus photo identification
• a copy of court documents for each conviction, and proof that all sentences were completed
• a recent criminal record check
• a recent police certificate from the country where you were convicted and from anywhere you have lived for six (6) months or longer in the last 10 years."

It is still a lot to collect and travel with all these documents, but it may mean that you do not have to cross Nova Scotia or Victoria Island off your bucket list.

Everyone who travels to Canada from the U.S. may need to meet some requirements. It used to be so easy to just drive across the border and show your driver's license, but now it is a little trickier:

• "have a valid travel document, such as a passport,
• be in good health,

• have no criminal or immigration-related convictions,

• convince an immigration officer that you have ties—such as a job, home, financial assets or family—that will take you back to your home country,

• convince an immigration officer that you will leave Canada at the end of your visit, and

• have enough money for your stay. (The amount of money you will need can vary. It depends on things such as how long you will stay, and whether you will stay in a hotel, or with friends or relatives.)

You may also need a:

• medical exam and

• letter of invitation from someone who lives in Canada."

Oh great Canada, I am sure I will see you in person again!

Lifting the Fog

Anniversaries, birthdays and special days generally mean a lot to me. For example, today would have been my dad's birthday and marks two years of my freedom. My release from Carswell 2 years ago yesterday but it is the 29th that is the first day I did not wake up in a prison. Today I woke up and reflected on the past two years of how my life has changed, how I have grown, and how things in some ways are not so different. Mostly, though, I am thinking about the post-prison release fog that I was initially under and wondered where I may be in terms of my recovery from the experiences of living within the prison environment.

In recovery, we often talk of the fog that newcomers to our rooms experience at first. It is only with time away from our addictive behaviors and working our recovery program that the "fog begins to lift" and we see/hear the voice of true recovery start. The newcomer will often share things they didn't realize they were doing while in the throws of their addiction due to their irrational thinking/ behavior. They will start to put pieces of their behavior from that time together into patterns and start to understand how the addiction controlled so much of their life beyond just the acts of the addiction - chasing highs, financial woes, withdrawal, planning the next action, lies and hiding behaviors,... addiction consumes one's life and is progressive in its nature. It can take weeks, months, and for some, years for the fog to fully lift on all the ways our addiction hurt ourselves and the lives of those around us. Staying in recovery, talking about it in our rooms, counseling, and being honest, is the way our heads can clear fully from the fog to see our behavior and actions for what they were and recover fully.

What I've realized in these past two years is that time in prison, no matter who one is and the reason for the imprisonment, results in a similar fog. The day to day reality of prison life, with fears of the unknown, survival instincts at their highest limit, emotional abuse from prisoners and staff with little recourse, sights/sounds that no one should have to witness, policies that make little sense and can change without warning, overcrowded quarters, and the loss of the comfort of friends/family/home, results in prisoners undoubtedly needing a little support upon release. The fog prisoners, such as myself carry, includes emotions such as shock, fear, and anger. Even more so, though, we do not have easy outlets (like 12 step recovery programs) to work through how we may be feeling.

When living in prison day-to-day, a prisoner is not necessarily able to see the full picture of what prison life looks like from the outside or how all the little things add up. The concept of becoming "institutionalized," is often talked about, but it is not hard to understand that in order to survive in prison, it is practically impossible to stay 100% away from all the ways prison changes a person for the worst. I walked into prison and within the first week stated, "I am here for myself only...," yet found myself doing for others in ways I never imagined I would (even if it meant I was pushing up against prison rules). I swore I would not be part of the underground prison market, yet quickly learned it was truly the only way to survive. I knew no prisoner who did not at least 'purchase' through exchange of commissary goods some other goods or services through the underground market. I witnessed drug transactions, drug use and abuse within 2' of where I laid my head, saw innocent people blamed for the acts of others and did not speak up, saw domestic abuse and did nothing, became friendly with a woman who chopped her husband into several pieces because he cheated on her, sat at tables and talked with admitted child molesters for hours, snuck food out of the chow hall, and quit a job I loved because I was unable to stand up for myself against a woman bullying me. These are just a few of the experiences I had, and some I never wrote about for fear of what could happen to me from staff or other prisoners. Each day, these things were not as impactful on me as what they all together did even as I only served a short sentence. In many ways, I became institutionalized because I no longer was myself while I was in prison and the longer I was there, the more it felt familiar and the more I came to accept the unacceptable as normal.

Once out of prison, I could not just "jump" into life. Most ex-prisoners do not have to. We face the reality of halfway houses, come confinement, extended probation/supervision. Even as I write of freedom, I have my federal supervision which limits me still. Perhaps I could have been free of that by now too, but my health over the past 6+ months resulted in me not completing the large packet that must be filled out. I plan to complete it very soon and regardless my 3-year supervision will be over within the next year. Will freedom feel any different than now? The only real changes will be not having to ask for permission to travel and I will not have to complete a monthly report online. Perhaps I will set a goal to be off by the end of this calendar year. I like goals with dates.

The real reason I could not jump into life was not due to the Feds' restrictions on me, though, it was the fog. While I could get through my days, I was trying to get back to the life I had prior to prison (I was already in recovery so I am not talking about the life I had that led to my being incarcerated). The fog did not allow me to see that I was no longer the same person, even though I was still a good person and wanted some of the same things in life, I needed to work through how prison had affected me. I needed the fog to start lifting so I could start to put pieces of my time in prison together into patterns and start to understand how that time changed so much of my life beyond just how I thought about it day-to-day. I needed to be able to let go of the fears and learn to accept and live honestly about the trauma I had just experienced. We may be prisoners due to our own past mistakes, but that does not make us any less human from experiencing trauma and being victims ourselves.

Unfortunately, there is not a recovery program for recently released prisoners. In fact, after having built so much comradery with people who understood deeply our pain and fears with other prisoners while inside, we are suddenly cut off from them all and told we are never to have contact with them or anyone else with similar experiences again. It is exactly the fellowship of people who understand because they have gone through a similar experience or are having a similar experience that makes recovery programs so strong. Not being able to have that to recover from the trauma of life in prison, can result in depression, unhealthy behaviors (addictions), and back to the behavior that led them into prison in the first place or to violate their parole (revolving door due to the comfort of prison life).

Often people after prison will choose the decision to leave it all behind. South was one of those people. She was pretty clear that she would go home, pick up her life, and not talk about the experiences. She never kept in touch with anyone from what I know and I pray she is well. What worries me about people who choose to stuff the experiences is how secrets of traumatic experiences can eat away at us. If we are not open and honest about what happened to us, around us, etc., the trauma can come out in different ways (think military soldiers who do not find healthy ways to cope with combat experiences). Of course all people are difference and all prisoners have differing experiences, but based on what I experienced, the lives of those I met while at Carswell, and my criminal justice studies in the last two years, I really think it is openness and honesty with friends, family, and especially other people who went through similar experiences that helps lift our fog and leads us toward healthy decisions and a new life.

One thing that has helped me substantially is my own writing. Not new writing, because I obviously have failed to write as often as I used to, but my old writing from the time of my incarceration. I was able to add to this blog some of my letters that I wrote home as well as some important notes that I wrote while in prison and brought home with me. I added them to the blog on the days they were written. The blog posts and those additional letters/notes are the data for my thesis. It is very non-traditional to use a blog for a thesis, even more so to use one's own. I do not believe there is any thesis of a former prisoner who provides a hypothesis based research study off of data from a public blog maintained while they were in prison. My hypotheses are looking at the existence of self-efficacy and collective efficacy in women's prisons. I additionally look at whether prison staff influence self or collective effacy in a positive or negative way. Finally, I consider whether specific prisoner identity factors affect self or collective efficacy.

If you are curious, for my thesis, those words of self and collective efficacy mean:

Collective efficacy: shared social expectations that lead to control of social space to reduce tension, crime, etc.

Self-efficacy: people are able to produce what they hope to accomplish through their own actions and make appropriate behavioral decisions. This is based on the person’s ability to cope, put in effort, and sustain adverse obstacles without defensive behavior

Through my work on my thesis, I have been able to look back on my prison experience through the eyes of a researcher, as well as relive some experiences. Sometimes, I am shocked reading about what I wrote or sad that I did not include what I wish I could have (such as the full experience and effects of the Christmas night raid). Simply keeping my blog put me on alert and that reality, even today, is something I will never forget. I am grateful for this opportunity to look at the experiences published through this blog from an outsiders point of view, even if I lived them, as they are helping me continue to life my fog, even two years after my release.

I strongly suggest for anyone who is newly released from prison, that they find a healthy outlet to release their full experiences. Holding them in will not help them in the long run. Honestly will free us of the pain and help set us toward true freedom.

No Cake?

Being on this Whole30 diet this month means that we had some limitations on how to celebrate my birthday. For the first time in over two weeks, we decided to go out to eat, and struggle to figure out how to stay compliant with the confines of no sugar, legumes, dairy, or grains. We went to a steakhouse.

Turns out the need for "clarified butter" was no problem. They cook with it all the time. Ghee (or clarified butter) is dairy-free butter. So, I ordered a nice steak, veggies that were sautéed in olive oil and garlic, and a baked potato. 100% whole30 compliant. Sporty ordered Sea Bass and pretty much the same as my sides. It wasn't easy. Thier sweet potato was sautéed in brown sugar - nope can't have that. Their lamb chops had a non-compliant marinade. Even most of the salads failed the Whole30 diet. At day 15, we were not about to cheat on our 30 day elimination for one evening's dinner!

Sporty even had some Ghee in her purse, just in case the restaurant didn't have it. We sneakily pulled it out and put it on our potato.

At the end of the night, Sporty was upset that she couldn't provide me with a dessert. Desserts in general, except fruit, are not Whole30 compliant, but especially sweet tooth desserts. We looked up some possibilities of almost compliant desserts that Sporty could make us using compliant foods, but nothing seemed all that appetizing nor did I want them that much.

Truth is, I don't need a cake to feel loved. I don't need any gifts to celebrate my birthday. In fact, I like to give gifts to those celebrating with me. I'm just happy to be alive another year. I'm happy to be living a life of honesty and willingness and openness and recovery. 

I do not need to make any birthday wishes, I'm living my wishes. This year, I am going to unexpectedly have another Master's Degree, move into a new home (albeit rental), possibly officially start the doctoral program (fingers crossed), write my heart on paper, love children, hopefully get off federal supervision, spend time with those I love, and more! What more could I wish for?!?!?

So, no regrets of no cake! In fact, I was in bed by 10pm. I was exhausted. They are switching me from Enbrel to Cimzia, and time has lapsed between my last injection while I'm waiting for my insurance to come through on the new one. Typical! So, I got a good night's sleep.

Another good thing happened yesterday. I usually get a phone call on my bday from my mom that kinda goes, "Happy Birthday... Your card is in the mail..." Well, this year, she actually mailed my card a couple days ago and it arrived on my birthday. I was so happy that she thought about it in advance and mailed me a card to arrive on my bday. That was something special - and different! 

Lastly, I just want to mention how warm and fuzzy all my friends and family made me feel yesterday. I received texts, phone calls, and so many Facebook messages. Cake may feel warm and sweet momentarily, but the warmth and sweetness of the people who love and support me will last me all the way to my next birthday!!!

Reading the Research

I'm under an unbelievable crunch this week. In just three short days, I need to turn in my thesis topic, even though I just started my grad program 1 1/2 wks ago. I'm on a bit of an accelerated plan in order to attempt official entry into the jc doctorate program through their applications due this winter. My feminist theory class has me doing my thesis proposal as my paper for her course this semester. Nothing like taking the bull by the horns immediately.

In order to whiddle my many interests down to a research topic, I have been reading relevant existing research and searching available data archives. For the thesis, my goal is to answer my research question utilizing secondary data (or data that already exists for a different purpose) so that I can build upon it with my own research once I am in the multiple year doctoral program. This thesis' goal is to prove I can write, properly utilize research methods, interprets results appropriately, understand limitations, build an appropriate literature review, determine conclusions, and offer avenues for further studies. 

I've been playing with many ideas, but think I'm leaning toward a theory that focuses on early victimization of females and it's possible ties to future criminal activity. I'm specifically looking at connecting it to women and white collar crimes. From what I can tell, there has not been much research done connecting the theory to white collar crimes. I need to figure out, though, if I could somehow review PSI/PSR data in order to find the early victimization data to connect with the women convicted of the big three white collar crimes (embezzlement, fraud, forgery).

My hope is that after the thesis, I can take this all a step further and see if an addiction link is prevalent for white collar female offenders who were victimized and if that addiction preceded their white collar crime.

As I've been researching articles to find similar and informative studies, I've come across some interesting research. One actually quite bothered me as it said that white collar offenses were an effect of being in high standing and refusing to reach out for help - yet so many I know that committed these types of crimes had addictions, were of average standing in their communities, and were to the point of being physically/emotionally/ mentally unable to ask for help. That's a really different thing. So many studies have been done solely on men, and most not on people struggling with addiction. I hope to help fill in that gap.

From what I could initially find, there's only one large study that looked directly at the impact of gambling on white collar crime (all males). The study concluded that gambling increases in cities had no effect on white collar crimes. It's a fairly old study and perhaps it would be worthwhile to replicate it a decade or more later (now). There's a lot of articles about increases in crimes related to drug addiction.

I found only one journal article specific to women and white collar crime. The researchers found that women committed the crimes to feed their family and/or take care of loved ones. Well, those results certainly wouldn't fit most the white collar offenders I knew in Carswell. In fact, most the white collar offenders I knew, actually had no mens rea (criminal intent) at all when offending. They were the "fall gals" for bigger fish, addicted to drugs/alcohol/men/gambling, and/or abused, etc. Sure, there were certainly the desperate, there were also the intentional forgers and the greedy, but they were the rare ones. We all could tell who they were and usually they planned to walk out and go right back to their not so lawful ways. They are career criminals, like so many others. 

I'm curious about the others though. Those who never really saw themselves as making an active choice to commit a crime. Those who at some point lost the ability to make rational decisions or to be the intelligent, capable person they exude themselves to be to the world. If we can find out some insights into why they commit crime, then maybe we can find the alternatives we need for them from the same prisons as those that chose lives of crime.

Maybe my research can be a step in that direction.

When it All Fits Together

Today was a really long day. Superdog had me awake before 8am and I was trying to sleep in because I knew my day was going to do late. No luck. Since I was up anyway, I should thank Superdog, because I got in a great morning workout. Then I spent several hours reading article for classes and ensuring I would be ready for whatever was to come my way.

I had to once again stop at HR on my way onto campus. This time, they needed my I-9 form (the official federal employment homeland security form) filled out. Guess they forgot about that yesterday. They asked me to bring in my license and either my ss card or my passport - uh oh...

My passport was turned in one week prior to my sentencing (after I was allowed to travel to South Africa). My ss card and birth certificate were NEVER returned to me (after all the work Survivor, my mom, and Sporty did to get them to me in Carswell). They never made it off my counselor's desk after I saw the envelope there weeks before my leaving. As I exited the facility I asked for the documents, but it was either the docs or my freedom. I chose freedom. All that work to get the documents and I didn't need them because I happened to have a valid drivers license on file. The things no one tells you. So, my ss card and official birth certificate probably remain in a pile on that same desk. I wonder whose folder they will accidentally be put in. Perhaps someone who really is 5'2" and African American...

Anyway, luckily, before turning in my passport, I took pictures of every page that had info, visas, or stamps. I'm nostalgic like that. So, I asked if I could just bring in a photocopy of my passport.  Printed the picture of my info page and met the requirements even though I lacked the documents in hand. I have no idea what I would've done to get a document quickly in order for my hire to finally go through. Always more hoops!!

My first class today was on research methods. I feel like I've now done my schooling backwards. I was conducting research and now I'm in basic level methods courses because I'm starting at the masters level, but I'm sure I'll learn a lot and gain some new foundational understanding within the field of criminal justice. Next semester is the statistics side of all this and I'm geeked to be working in numbers and data again.

Three hours later, one class ended and I was walking into my next class on feminist criminology. I already know I'm going to really enjoy this class. Since I'm really interested in issues around women and incarceration/women and crime, etc - this class will help me with usable theory. Truth is that there's no getting around the fact that makes happen to commit more crimes and more violent crimes than women. However, there's very little research available on the experiences of women involved in the system. I have so many questions floating in my head for potential topics. For this class, my professor expects me to write my thesis proposal by December... And use it to show that I'm ready for the phd program as I apply in January for next year.

It felt great in today's courses. I felt right at home and among colleagues - especially in the feminist criminology course which is all phd students except for myself. I was allowed to engage in discourse that reminded me why I love academia and want to be a researcher and a professor. I asked appropriate questions and participated in group discussion. I felt connected and for a couple moments, I forgot that I was just in prison and that I had been kicked out of this university less than a year ago. I just felt a part of- not different.

It's really starting to click and I'm feeling good about this direction. I wish I could share all this with my friends back at Carswell. I miss so many of them and hate that communication is prohibited. They need to know that life really is possible after release... Tell your loved ones, okay? Please tell them.

Labor Day

So how does a graduate student spend Labor Day? At the library of course! The campus library was open for five hours today, which allowed me enough time to get lost among the stacks and find just two of the books I need for the semester. I ordered a couple from other libraries and will have to either rent or buy the rest. The textbook industry is big bussiness... Over $100 per book and a new edition every other year!

T.S. had to watch a 1940's film noire classic from the video collection at the library, so I had the rare privilege of being able to be there with her without being an adult "embarrassment" to a teenage undergrad. Ha. It actually turned out to be a nice afternoon. Pb&j sandwiches and all.

I start "officially" working this week. In a couple weeks, a real paycheck will be deposited into my account. 10% of my gross pay will start being paid toward my restitution. I will finally be on my path toward getting off supervised release. I feel as if I've been in a waiting pattern for the last three months, just holding onto HOPE and being allowed to circle the skies praying not to run out of fuel or crash. Now, I've finally landed and I'm able to start the real journey of life after prison.

I don't mind that I spent Labor Day working on school, because I was working and I'm so grateful to have all that I do right now!

Not on My Timeline

I put it out there on Facebook this morning... today was the deadline. It really is a deadline. Today is the absolute deadline for hiring Fall graduate assistants at the University. My job kept waiting to hear that the hold on my admission had been lifted, but the call/email never came. I learned this afternoon that the news will not come for another several days, we can stop waiting, the deadline will pass us by. What it means for my job, I don't know. Grad assistants are supposed to technically start Monday under contract. My benefits are supposed to start the 16th. Since I am not technically a student, I cannot be hired and I cannot be paid, nor can I earn any of the other benefits of a graduate assistant. It won't stop me from coming to work everyday. It's just going to make a lot more work for my supervisor and the organization's secretary to process me in once they are able to. I have no idea what it will look like, how long it will take, and what it will all mean, but I am not giving up hope!

I guess I look at all this stuff and must look at the bright side - I have not been told that my admission is being denied. All I am told is that it is on "hold." It is not on hold indefinitely. It has left the graduate school, now, and sits before a "committee" who is assigned to make a decision on every graduate student who applies to the University with a felony in their background. At this point, I am being held up against the same principles and rules as every other 'similarly situated' applicant, I guess I'm really okay with that. Perhaps I'm more, or perhaps I'm less of a scary character than others. Who knows?!?! Well, in reality, I'm not sure I could be more harmless than I am, but whatever it is they choose to consider from my file, will be fine. With multiple people on a committee, I pray it's not just an arbitrary decision. I should know early next week.

I have no idea if anyone reading this even cares if I get back into school or not. I don't even know why anyone reads this blog at this point. I sometimes feel like I am partially fighting this fight for all of us with felonies and/or addictions in recovery. I want us to be able to say that we do not need to be defined by our pasts. We watch famous people be able to move on and forward so easily from these things, but lay people are never given the benefit of the doubt. We need to constantly prove ourselves and defend our choices. We always have more and more hoops to jump through. The fight is exhausting, but if I can do, and if I can succeed, than I can be proof that others can do it too. We need some of us willing to jump through all the hoops in order to help others know that they just need to keep jumping. So, I'm jumping, and jumping, and jumping. I started jumping at Carswell and I had no idea how fit I'd need to be to continue to jumping once I was home.

There are so many times when I see dead end ahead warnings. Somehow, though, my gut tells me to just forge ahead, there may be a yield, but I can get past the roadblock. Perseverance, passion, belief, honesty, drive, character, humility, gratitude, acceptance, patience, and focus can help a lot. I do my best to never doubt the end goal. I am going to school in Fall. I am working this job. I may be on "hold," but that's just a formality, and it's only temporary. It's just another hoop. I will be going, I am just not able to do it all on my timeline.

Our Paths

Perhaps you've known your path all your life. You grew up knowing exactly what you wanted your life to be like, what career you would choose, and what experiences you would have. Okay, if anyone said, "yep, that's me!" You are not only lying to me, but you are lying to yourself. Life never exactly goes the way we thought it would. Life's path is not straight like a tree's trunk, it's the tree's branches with starting in one direction, veering to the right, then left, left again, going in that direction for a while, then another left, perhaps a u-turn or a large knot we need to get over, and a new path path begins.

Whenever I talk about my life, I always say that you would never know how I went from point A, to point B, to point X, to point T, but here I am, living proof that we need not decide what we are going to do for the rest of our life when we are 18 and just in college, or 22 in our first "real" job, or even 70 and retiring. Life happens. Life changes our paths. If you think about the most interesting people in our lives, it will usually be those who have vast experiences doing many different things and adventures over their lifetime. 

Sometimes our path veers through our own decisions. We go into a career or take a job we really do not enjoy and quit. We get married. We have children. We choose to move across the country. We change our major in college. We choose to commit a crime. We get a divorce. We travel to far away places. We retire.

Often, our paths veer due to things outside our control. We are fired from our job. We write a best-seller (wishful thinking). We are promoted into a leadership position. We experience the death of someone close to us. Our child moves out of the house. Floods. Tornados. Hurricanes. Car accidents. Prison. Friends come and go. Money woes. Stardom. Addiction. Theft. Mental illness. Chronic illness. Broken body parts. Aging. The list of those people, places, and things that are out of our control is endless - the only things we can control are ourselves and the choices we intentionally make.

I believe we do our youth an injustice when we tell them the path we believe they should be on or we tell them that at the age of 18 and entering college (if that is their path) that they must choose their career path for life. How many of us are doing what we thought we would be doing when we were 18 years old? Unless you are 18-19 right now, I imagine that no one reading this would raise their hand to that question. 

Yes, we all have our own paths, we all need to do today what we need to do in order to fulfill our goals at the time. We just need to add in the flexible and creative thinking that allows us to accept change when it comes, accept that sometimes we need to make change in order to find happiness, and that we need to encourage the people in our lives to chase dreams, allow for changes, accept success, move forward from failure, and be able to get over the large knots in our path. Looking back, our paths may not be a straight line, but we will have had the opportunity to try a lot of incredible things in our lifetime.

What brings all this up? T.S. is nervous that she wants to change her undergraduate major for the second time. She is entering her sophomore year. Did you know that the average undergrad changes their major formally or informally five times? It's normal to try new things, stick with some, and want to move away from others. It's also normal to have many interests and experiences that may lead us down paths we never considered before. If someone told me even ten years ago that I would be getting my doctorate degree, I would have laughed. If they told me it was in criminal justice, I would have fallen over in shock.

So, you find yourself unemployed, in a career you hate, with a child who can't stand you, in prison, divorced, lost, on a cruise ship that's broken down, homeless, famous, ill, broke, grieving, moving, getting married to the person of your dreams, being offered an opportunity that you never considered before, and then what???

No matter the ways our paths veer, it will be okay. We have our lives of successes and failures, adoration and heartache - and you will experience them all. Don't be afraid to allow your life to go down a new path. It may be for just a bit or it could lead to yet another knot or veer to the left. All you need to be able to do is come to acceptance and allow for change to make you the most interesting person in the room.

The Big Event

I used to be an event coordinator. There was a time when I would have 2-4 events nearly every weekend. Most for nonprofits and fundraisers. In my role as a graduate student now, I am rarely in an event coordinator role.

When I offered to volunteer this summer at my former job, I found myself being put in the role of event coordinator for an Academic Showcase highlighting the work the high school youth do during their summer. In just three weeks, we had to put together the plan for an event with 150 guests. Since I was there last year, I had a feel for what the event would be like. 

Tonight was the event, and it went off without a hitch. In fact, that colleague that decided to donate money on my behalf, gave a second check tonight - doubling the stipend I am now earning this summer. I guess I'm not a volunteer anymore. The donor, also, made a promise to donate the same amount next summer, so they can have me there. I guess I have a summer job next year (often grad assistants are only Aug-May since summer funding is hard to come by). I should receive my full stipend in 2-3 weeks.

Also, another coworker handed me some cash today saying it's to get me through the weekend. She won't let me refuse. This is her third time handing me some spending money. She's the one who told me to accept and not refuse - just say "thank you."

I can't imagine many ex-prisoners being handed money. I have never complained to anyone at work about being a volunteer, I took pride in just the ability to help out an organization I care about. I need to take what is happening and when I can afford it, pay it forward to someone in need. I never knew such kindness from people was possible.

I suppose my lesson from all of this is that we never know what our decisions will lead to. I had no thoughts about volunteering at my old job until I was on the phone with my boss and she informed me that one of the key employees (there are only 4 - small office) had a stroke. I immediately said, "well, then I'm going to come in and volunteer so I can help alleviate all the work" falling on my boss. She had to get permission for me to do so, and I had to pass that background check I mentioned in the past. I certainly had no thoughts that I would be paid, nor that I would become coordinator of tonight's important event.

It really is possible to move our lives forward swiftly after prison. There are no shortcuts and no guarantees. We can't have any expectations. We just need to be kind, humble, and willing to work hard. Now that my legal issues are in my past, I have only good to look forward to and tonight was a whole lot of good!

Incredible Generosity

It's hard to accept other people's generosity sometimes. I love giving gifts, but sometimes it is really difficult on the receiving side. Over the past year, I've had to learn to just say, "thank you," and accept the gifts of friendship, money, books, cards and more from my friends and family.

This week, though, I've been overwhelmed by the generosity of a practical stranger. She works with the summer program at the job I've been volunteering at. She called me and told me that she will be making a donation to the organization so they can pay me for the work I've been doing over the past several weeks. She says she is impressed by my work and wants to give me the funds. Whoa.

Without being too specific, she is donating several hundred dollars, which in turn will be given to me as "project pay." The Director of the organization had to talk with her bosses to make it all work out appropriately. I did tell the generous soul that I could not accept such a gift, but she just poo pooed my statement and told me it was not a choice. So, I'm left simply saying, "thank you," and I'll add this to my missions of paying it forward one day. The funds will help me pay bills until I'm officially hired in mid-August. You hear about angels in this world, but I would have never guessed this woman was one of them. She most certainly is!

As a gambler, the idea of money being handed to me, that was unexpected, would have caused me to believe it was my lucky day and I would have likely lost every penny of it in a matter of hours at a casino. Even if it happened to be a winning day, I would lose even more than I won the day after. It was always a vicious cycle. Money would come into my hands and just as quickly go out.

Now, in recovery, I understand the real value of money. I keep a budget, try to pay more than minimum due on credit cards, and maintain a savings. I have not been able to do much financially since I have not had an official job. Now, though, I know that not only will I have the funds to pay my bills, I will have a slight buffer in case of emergency. I am able to hold onto money now.

I'm still in disbelief that this woman who barely knows me has decided to help me out. I guess it's yet another example of the idea that if you keep doing the right next thing, good things happen. There's a lot of bad in this world and if you focus on the bad, you will just wallow in it. If, instead, you focus on the good, you will be able to experience the beauty of the human heart. I am incredibly grateful to have experienced such beauty this week.

Courage to Change the Things I Can

For weeks, when anyone asks me how I'm doing, I say good. When I talk about my life, I can't help but smile and share that I am happy. My guests this last weekend commented that I said I was happy no less than four times the first day. I don't mean to repeat myself, but I am just so grateful for my life.

Today was a day that allowed me to know that I truly do deserve to be happy. Sure, people will say that we all deserve happiness, but sometimes our lives are filled with just too much fear, or pain, or loss, for us to find our own happiness. In the past, I did not believe I deserved happiness. I once told someone who was mean to me, "thank you for treating me the way I deserve to be treated." When we hate ourselves, we believe we deserve the worst of life.

There are others who also will believe we deserve only bad. I'll never forget being in the courtroom at my sentencing. The judge was saying that she didn't believe I should stay in school. She said, "I think you need to rethink your future." The prosecution side of the courtroom could not agree more with her. In their eyes, I did not deserve to have a rewarding career. Regardless of the restitution I still have to pay, they just wanted to see me suffering. I hurt their/my community with my embezzlement, I should suffer eternally.

Although my school advisor thought it wrong that the judge said such a thing, the 180 she did later made the judge's prediction much more likely to happen. Was I not to continue toward my phd? Is this one of those situations I needed to merely accept, and move on?

It's like the serenity prayer: god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

Was this one of those things? Did I just need to accept that pursuing my doctorate was something I could no longer do? 

As you all know, I felt in my gut that I still have a right to pursue my education and I didn't want anyone else saying I could not do it because of my past.

Therefore, I felt that the situation with my university fell in the second line of the serenity prayer: the courage to change the things I can. I believed with my whole heart and soul that I deserved to be in school and that this was something I could still pursue. 

Was I just kidding myself, though? I mean, I'm less than two months out of prison. Nothing happens fast and maybe I needed to have the wisdom of that acceptance. 

I'm so glad I believed in myself and my future. Today I received a letter admitting me to the criminal justice program at my university. My application was deemed complete just two days ago, so I was not expecting to hear from them so soon. Although I am admitted to the master's program, they put in their admission three doctoral level courses I should take this semester. The courses will transfer into my doctoral program when they are able to admit me for next fall. I will not have to lose a year of time toward my doctorate! I will have the opportunity to do meaningful research and policy work to help build a justice system that is more just and to help change the system of incarceration. Instead of complaining, I am being given the opportunity to make a difference.

Based on my admission, my job can officially rehire me as their graduate research assistant. In mid-August, I will move from volunteer to employee. I will be able to take back my car from my parents and pay my half of the rent and utilities. I will be able to start real payments toward my restitution.

They said it would be impossible, especially at this late date, to get readmitted. But, I had courage. I chose to try to change the things I could. I was honest and humble. I take nothing for granted. Now, I can officially say, I am back in grad school and I WILL walk across that stage one day and receive my doctoral degree! 

If I can make things happen for me, anyone can. You just need to be your best person. Don't think of your past as a detriment. It's an asset. Those that are willing to listen, will see past your crime and see the person you really are. Being happy helps too. 

So, be warned. I am a very happy person. The happiness I already felt has quadrupled exponentially. I got back into school even after everything that happened. Dragonfly Hazel soars!!!!

A Full House

Last night felt so normal. We did a "make your own pizza" dinner and I had my friends with their daughters (6, 3, and 1), Survivor, Sporty, and T.S. all here. It was wonderful to be surrounded by the little ones. I just love the imagination and freedom of kids.

This week, I get to spend a couple days with Survivor. She drove in yesterday. She told me the story of the day she dropped me off at the Carswell parking lot. She couldn't drive away. She captured photos of the van taking me onto the base- a photo of my hand held up on the window, saying "goodbye." I guess she cried for the both of us. I was too numb.

Perhaps a year has passed since I've seen my friends, but when we are together, it's like there's been no time at all. We laugh, we share, we still have the deep connection. I'm so lucky to have so much love in my life.

Yesterday, I heard from a friend from my 90's law school days. We are still connected via Facebook and were incredibly close in school. She just read my blog and wrote me a multitude of messages showing her support of me. Even though we've only seen each other 2-3x since our graduation, and now live on separate continents, she will always be important to me. Her friendship was instrumental in helping me survive law school. We would take unexpected long drives to somewhere just to relieve studying tension and cook chocolate chip cookies. We traveled over winter break together and found ourselves often at one another's home hanging out. It's amazing that so much time could pass, but the memories and friendship are still strong.

Today is another meeting with a professor on my campus. It's a department I'm considering to continue my education. I don't expect anything to happen today in terms of decisions, but I hope she'll keep an open mind as I share my story. Even if 40 doors are closed to me, I need to keep on knocking.

Life is feeling nearly normal now. I'm comfortable in my home. I'm starting to get on track with working out, making plans, and enjoying what freedom I have. I don't really know what makes a life "normal," but this is a good life.