From Dragonfly: A New Pen

I've always liked a good writing pen. Sometimes a ballpoint pen will draw my attention, other times it is a gel pen or a pen of a specific color. Here, all we can purchase is a black pen. They are the basic pens that don't write especially good or bad. They have the kind of cap that you always lose well before the pen is out of ink. It does not write well when you are laying in bed writing sideways or up. It works. I'm grateful to have a pen.

Working in education has given me access to other ink pens. At first, it was a red ink pen - identical to the standard black pen - but I could grade and write in red. This is a big deal, and I must carry the pen with me anytime I walk away from my tutor desk. Otherwise, it would be stolen by someone. I guess it's worth "bank" on the underground market. Education realizes this and will only do a 1-for-1 exchange (meaning, if you want to get a new red pen, you must turn in your old red pen). I would never sell my pen anyways, I need it to do my job and I cherish the ability to have a pen other than black ink.

Then, a week or so ago, I was able to get a blue pen from the teacher I really respect in education. He gave one to each of the tutors around me, after I inquired about it. We were all so happy with our blue pens. Now, when I ask students to correct their work, I can regrade in a new color and they can see what they did right/wrong the second time around. This blue pen is just like the red and black pens, but it is a pretty color blue! I now carry around my black, red, and blue pens in my shirt pocket to and from work each day. The true nerd in me. If only they gave away or sold pocket protectors - hah!!!

My roommate, Bandana, saw my blue pen the other day and tried to hustle it away from me. Her current girlfriend wants a blue pen. She was trying everything, like telling me to change the ink to black and just give her the blue ink. I said, "absolutely not." It's hard saying "no" to Bandana. It's not an answer she accepts. She kept trying and trying. Finally, I just locked my pen in my locker and walked out of the room. Sometimes, that is the only way to get out of these kinds of conversations. I like my blue pen and need it for work.

Yesterday, the same teacher was feeling generous - as the holidays had just occurred, and he offered me a new black pen. This one is a GEL PEN!!! It even clicks open and closed (no caps to lose!). You would think I was given a hundred dollars with the excitement I felt having this new pen. I proudly added this to my left shirt pocket and it drew the attention of others who wanted to see my new pen. Lola was incredibly jealous, but then again, I was jealous of a pen she was given from her job just a week ago. We laughed at how such a stupid thing, a new pen, can get us so excited. Talk about appreciating the little things in life!!! And, "no," I will not get hustled out of this pen either. I will use it at work and cherish it in my pocket.

I've always loved pens. At school last year, I had a bunch of fun color gel pens. In my pedagogy course, I would share my pens with my colleagues who admired them. Sometimes I would select my green one, sometimes the purple one. It didn't really matter if I lost a pen or someone didn't give theirs back, I could always get more. Such is not the case while I am here. A good pen is a true gift, and it may never be able to be replaced!

Just as a side note, my nerd pocket also contains my tutor calculator (a calculator lent to me by the education department for grading and tutoring purposes). It says, "Tutor," large across the lid of it and is the kind of calculator where the lid slides off and then slides on to the back. It is not an advanced Texas Instruments calculator, like I use for statistics, but it does allow me to do square roots, exponents, percentages, fractions, and other handy calculations. If I lose this calculator, I will not receive another one. While the pens may go home with me, the calculator was lent to me and I am responsible that it not get stolen. So, this calculator also sits in the pocket, with the three pens in front of it, and my name badge clipped to the same pocket. I think I would fit well in an episode of "Big Bang Theory!"

From Dragonfly: Foods We Miss

During Christmas Day, South, Mama, Lola, Appeal, and I were feeling rather hungry in the afternoon, so we sat and brainstormed foods we miss. Rules included that the foods can't be anything that we receive during our meal rotations in the chow hall, or anything we can buy at commissary. Some of the foods only one person missed, others we all agreed on. This is what we came up with:

Real cheese
Chicago Style pizza
2% milk
White bread
Steak (rib eye, t-bone, filet, porterhouse, skirt, etc.)
Captain Crunch cereal
Toasted bagel
Brewed coffee
Totino's pizza
Bacon
Real sausage
Pancakes that are made correctly
Fresh waffles
Maple syrup
Skittles candy
Heath bars
South's homemade fudge with walnuts
Mama's homemade meatloaf
South's homemade butterscotch and chocolate pie
Ice cream mix-in/blizzard
Real biscuits and gravy
Corned beef
Potato pancakes
Walker Bros. apple pancake
Crispy cornbread
Cheesecake Factory cobb salad
Sweet corn
Chocolate shake
Steak hoagie from Edwardo's (Kentucky)
Philly cheese steak
Fresh salmon
McDonalds fries
Goldstar chili cheese fries
Italian beef (Chicago-style)
Portillo's chocolate cake
Chicago style hot dog
Chocolate milk
Shrimp
Grilled brats/sausages
Jell-O mold
South's pistachio salad
A-1 sauce
Heinz ketchup
Cool whip
Canned peaches
Fresh strawberries
Fondue
Goldfish crackers
Caramel apples
Sour cream and onion potato chips
Pie
Real cheesecake
Asparagus
Oreos
Toast
Grilled cheese sandwich
Tomato soup
Cinnamon Rolls
Cream of broccoli soup
Bacon bits
Whipped cream
Hot fudge
Pirate's booty
Orange soda
Real orange juice
Veggie omelet
Lox & bagels
Girl scout cookies
Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix
Tasty green beans
Sunny-side up eggs
Hash browns
Hollandaise sauce
Greek yogurt
Onion rings
Chai tea latte
Blueberry muffin
Ham and cheese hot pockets
Prime rib
Babyback ribs
Asian chicken salad
Kettle corn & Garret's caramel corn
Real cream cheese
Fresh vegetables (broccoli, celery, carrots, etc.)
Chocolate chips
Fresh baked bread
Grapes
Pita pockets
Bing cherries
Gum
Arizona's Arnold Palmer iced tea
Tomato and fresh mozzarella baguette
Hawaiian bread
French onion dip
Wine
Fresh ham
Crab legs
Lobster
Cheddar biscuits
Olive Garden bread sticks
Real mashed potatoes
Plantains
Good pico de gallo
Fried frog legs
Microwave popcorn
Cool ranch Doritos
Sour cream and cheddar chips
Lay's stacked potato chips
Kahn's bologna and cheese sandwich
Hard salami
Zesta crackers
Homemade chocolate chip cookies
Fresh brownies
Stuffed mushrooms
Garlic hummus
Spinach dip
Blooming onion
Homemade bean dip
Green bean casserole
Bread stuffing
Apple cider
Crispy Creme donuts
Frisch's tarter sauce
Cotton candy
Macaroni casserole
Chicken tortilla soup
Crab ragoons
Real fried rice
Buffalo Wild Wings chicken wings
Fried mushrooms
Subway tuna sandwich
Jimmy John's vito sub
Buckeye's candy
Seagram's Jamaican Me Happy wine cooler
Breakfast egg bake/quiche
Sausage McMuffin
Reese's Pieces
Kiwi
Fruit salad
Raspberry preserves
Frosty
Culver's Butter burgers
Frozen custard
Claussen whole pickles
Hershey kisses
Three musketeers candy bar
Clam chowder

So, when you are enjoying your meals, realize how lucky you are to have any of the above foods! It will be hard not to gain weight when I am finally free! Ha.

From Dragonfly: A Christmas Raid

Christmas may have been pretty, with all the decorations, but it was not without its drama. Late on Christmas Eve, some rooms in my unit were raided. During the raid, I was pat down for the first time. I've never been frisked (the strip downs we do ourselves). The officer told me to get up against the wall, I failed to spread my arms as I was caught off guard and have never been in that position before. She said, "spread your arms," and I caught on. Okay, sometimes I am a bit naive. I admit this flaw!

They are claiming there's a "drug ring" in our unit. I don't know about it. People here will do anything they think they can get away with. There's a party somewhere every day, and I will sometimes hear about them later. People needing to "escape" their reality, I suppose.

Christmas Day included more raids. It's hard to relax when officers are going through people's stuff all around you. I know that I have nothing, but it gets us all on edge. Lola and I just console one another and try to keep our sanity. Yesterday's reading in my "Peace a Day at a Time" book was about acceptance of circumstances and "this too shall pass." It is interesting that it was the selected reading for Christmas Day in the book. I read it three times, sharing it with others.

A lot of tears around the unit yesterday, too, as people called their families at home for the holiday. Kids asking, "when are you coming home," was a consistent message. South's family told her that they are keeping up their Christmas trees and doing Christmas again when she is home in a month. Her presents sit under the tree. Some people avoided calling families, but generally, it was more than an hour wait to use a phone.

We were fed a Cornish hen, cornbread stuffing, broccoli and cheese, croissants, gravy, and pumpkin pie for our lunch yesterday. The hen was undercooked, but I enjoyed the white meat. The stuffing was bland. The broccoli and cheese was a real treat and yummy. The croissants were undercooked (I didn't eat one), the gravy was tasteless, and I don't like pumpkin pie. But, at least they tried to make a nice meal. We were given box dinners with a roast beef sandwich, graham crackers, baked cheddar chips, a granola bar, and a can of Coke Zero. It was alright and nice to receive food we don't normally receive. I was gathered with friends - South, Mama, and Lola - for our boxed dinner experience. At least I don't have to be alone for the holidays!

During my gambling days, I spent endless hours by myself on holidays, and, often, found myself at a casino with all the others who couldn't fight their urge to gamble, even for a day they should be with friends and family. The dealers would wear fun Christmas style hats and people were extra generous with their tips. Everyone was looking for a Christmas "win." Being at a casino, we were not alone with our low thoughts of ourselves, yet we were alone nonetheless. At a casino, you can be surrounded by thousands of people, and still be alone. Now, I can be by myself, and I feel love and support from people not even here with me. I am never lonely. I am never alone.

The next hurdle will be New Year's. It is a time I usually spend on vacation. I will miss that this year, but "this too shall pass" and next year, I will be in a new place. Anyone can survive anything, when they know it is not forever.

From Dragonfly: A Good Book

A book in prison is an opportunity to imagine a world beyond the fences, the barbed wire, the C.O.'s, and the fifteen different meals we receive each month. It is a chance to remember places that are written about, people who are similar to characters, and the ups and downs of real life. A book may be fiction, but there are certain aspects of nearly every book, even science fiction, that are real. Even the recent two books I read from the point of view of a dog, "A Dog's Purpose" and "A Dog's Journey" were connections to the real world. Albeit, the world through, perhaps, the eyes and mind of my dog, Super Dog.

I've been spending more time in my room lately, laid up on my bed, reading. I also nap, but mostly I lose myself in a book. I have a locker shelf of books I plan to read and it brings me joy to to connect to different characters and their stories. Perhaps one day I will be a writer, nonfiction or fiction, I don't know. It's always been there, at the back of my brain, that I'd like to write a book. In high school, I wrote plays. I've written short stories, but not for many, many years. I believe that my three years of law school, in my early 20's, really stopped my creative thinking path. Instead, the thoughts went all analytical (although, I was quite analytical to start with). Analytical and creative thinking are not all that different - it's about thinking outside the box. But, I tend to think things through too much. As you can read here.

Right now, I am reading a fairly new Wally Lamb book. I remember reading his earlier works, especially, "She's Come Undone." It was a book I loved and hated at the same time. The main character seemed to make so many bad choices, yet, in reality, I could totally identify with her. My current Wally Lamb book is about family, love, acceptance, art, and affluenza (a word I picked up from the TV a week or so ago, when a young man who was driving drunk killed four people in a motor accident, and instead of prison, is going to a rehab costing over $36,000 per month... they said it was "affluenza" as a person with less money, a person of color, any minority, would be in prison. A similar young man had a similar crime, and he is spending 10 years in prison. This similar young man is African American and does not have the wealth of the one going to expensive rehab). I did a research study while a law student. We were looking at crack cocaine convictions and sentencing based on race. We found strong evidence, that race indicated how long someone would spend in prison. Caucasians spent the least, Asians were next, Hispanic next, and with the most time, for the exact same amount of crack, African Americans (especially men) spent the most. Such racism is so ingrained in our justice system and I see it every day, here at Carswell, based on the population of inmates and their stories.

I think every inmate here has a story worth telling and hearing. I am not unique. Many say that they want to write a book when they are released. Most want to focus it on their lives in prison. I hope some of them do, there are not enough books for women facing prison. There are actually few resources for women facing prison. There are companies that advertise themselves for getting others ready for incarceration, but they are almost exclusively based on the male prison experience. Women need more resources. Perhaps my writing helps.

Reading will make me a better writer. Of that, I am certain. Maybe this experience has taken me far enough away from my lawyer days for me to be creative once again - I did create an mp3 holder yesterday for Lola out of plastic canvas and needle point. I've created scarves and hats. I've created a fun gift that I sent to Sporty. I like making things and making people smile. When I was young and wrote plays, they were comedies - albeit, mostly tragic comedies that tried to save the world (a black comedy about the environment was the one I remember best). People talked all over each other, like we Jews do too often, and crazy things were happening (grandpa blowing up things in the basement as he experiments with chemistry). I don't know where the ideas stemmed from, I was only a teen.

Today, my writing has a purpose as well. My goal is to help others understand addiction, to help others understand incarceration, to help others retain "hope," to help others understand survival, to help others advocate for themselves, to help others develop healthier lives, to help others understand chronic illness, and/or to entertain... Even when we share our lives and talk about all that is happening, it is so easy to wallow in the negative, but there is always positive to share as well. Yesterday, a group of us from education met for a "pot-luck" and gift exchange. I received a very beautifully decorated journal (the paper journals are free, the decor took a lot of time). I gave my person two friendship bracelets, two homemade new year's cards to mail, and two milky way bars. We ate the best prison fare we can make: potato wraps, tamales, cheese and crackers, tuna rolls, and more. We had homemade chocolate cheesecake and popcorn balls for dessert. We laughed together, and enjoyed some cold sunshine for a while out by outdoor rec. It was a nice time.

If a book only stays at the negative, I will put it down. I feel guilty not finishing a story I'm invested in, but even the desperate, like in "Room," have good moments. Moments of real love, real friendship, real laughter, and smiles. All our stories have some smiles in them. A good book stays with me, and I'll think about the characters and their stories beyond the time I am reading. I love to talk about the book with others, and lend them the best of the best. Books bring me joy and sharing them with others brings me even greater joy. This time in prison is giving me the opportunity to enjoy a lot of good books.

From Dragonfly: Minimum In/Minimum Out

Those of us who enter prison with a "minimum" security level, probably don't know that there are two levels within minimum security. One is labeled "in" and the other "out." Had we not been medically designated to the medical facility, our security level would start "minimum out" at a prison camp. However, the majority of us who are designated here, are labeled "minimum in." What does the "in" vs. "out" mean?

It's easy, first, to explain "out." "Out" is that we are camp status, can be in a non-secured environment, and can see medical providers and others off the prison grounds without being handcuffed and shackled when we go. "In," is the opposite of that. "In" means that we are designated to a secured environment, it's a higher level of security, and if we have an appointment off of the facilities grounds, we are shackled and handcuffed. Since I was designated, "minimum-in," had my referral for a rhuematology appointment occurred, I would have been handcuffed and shackled for the medical trip.

This really disturbed me. I was nervous about walking with leg shackles. I have a limp and my balance is not great, so I am concerned about the chain/cuff restrictions. However, that appointment has yet to occur (waiting 4 months so far). Many of us talk about the fact that we have to be shackled in our med-trips, as many of us, especially those who self-surrendered, have never even been handcuffed. During this entire ordeal, I have never been handcuffed, which those who were officially arrested think those of us who say that have to be lying. Our experiences leading us through the legal process are so different.

Anyway, we are all told different things on why our status starts as "minimum - in" rather than "out," since we are camp eligible except for medical reasons. Almost all of us started with "in," myself, Nurse, Freckles, Mama, etc. South is the only person I know who did not start with an "in" status, although her sentence was for only 6 months, so perhaps that's why. All of us have been asking why we have "in" status and how we can get it changed to "out." At first, I was told that anyone with a medical issue has to be evaluated before they can receive out status, and it takes about 6 months. Next time, I was told it takes about 7 months. The next time, I was told it was changed to "out" the week before because of them making me eligible for the camp across the street (this is the time I learned that I was being sent to the camp, which since has been recanted, but now may be happening again). With "minimum-in" status, we cannot go to the camp across the street, or any camp for that matter. So, for a couple weeks, now, I've been "minimum-out" (thank god).

However, several of my friends are trying to figure out how their status can be changed. From my experience, I think that the case worker can change it, but the secured facility prefers for the people here to be "in" custody security level. It validates why we are at a medium security facility, even though we are "minimum" security status. I know that this place wouldn't consider it, but it would make a lot of sense, since so many minimum security people are here for medical reasons, to have a housing unit specifically for "minimum-out" inmates. We could, therefore, have the same rights as people in a camp. However, they cannot do that, as I know in my head, how unmanageable that would be. You can't have some inmates roaming the grounds, while others have to be racked up. Instead, treating every inmate the same, is the only way to control such an uncontrollable situation.

In men's federal prisons, there are several medical facilities. They have med-camps, med-low, med - medium, and even, med-max facilities. There are several of each type. Male inmates in medical facilities are still, usually, placed within the 500 mile mark of their home. With only one female medical facility, we are flown here from all over the county, put all together, and live in the medium-security experience. I know that it could be a lot worse, but based on my sentence, crime, and my security level, my experience should be different.

Although, there are no "shoulds," we are sent where we are supposed to be to gain the experiences we are supposed to gain, in order to learn whatever it is we are supposed to learn. I know that I am here, at Carswell, for a reason. I know that my being here has helped others. I, also, know that other's being here has helped me. I know that working in the education department here, has made me a better educator, and a deeper thinker about higher and adult education. I know that I was meant to meet South my first day here, and have her friendship and trust. I am glad to have made other friends that I can honestly say, I do hope to keep in touch with upon my release. I wrote many months ago, "you enter with not friends, you leave with no friends," or something like that. But the truth is, we do make friendships. Some may not last, others run deep. We are with each other at some of the lowest parts of our lives, and some "get" us, while other's don't.

The old saying that goes something like, "People enter our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime," is certainly true. I know that people, here, are part of my life for one of those three things. Even the ones that I fear or who are angry and mean, have a "reason" to be in my life. Others, I may only know well, while we are incarcerated, they are my "season" connections. We lift each other up and support each other for now, knowing that once we walk outside the gates, we may never speak again. Then there are those I hope are "lifetime." They are good people. They are thinkers, caring, funny, intelligent, nerdy, beautiful, creative, and interesting. I can honestly say that there's less than a handful of people I've met here who I hope are going to be with me for a "lifetime," but that's all I need. I have incredible "lifetime" friends back home, but prison is making my life richer, by bringing new people into it that bring me happiness and compassion. Like I said, people who I "get" and who "get" me.

Anyway, similar experiences, similar road blocks, can bring people together. I believe that is what happened when I walked into Carswell. It is what starts conversations with "why am I minimum-in status?" A simple conversation can lead to a new friendship. Even as we may not fully understand the reasons for what brings us all together, we can certainly understand the experience of finding ourselves here together.

From Dragonfly: Acceptance Again

In the past, I've written you about acceptance. It is such an important way to deal with imprisonment, consequences, and things that just don't go as we had planned. I had no ability to understand "acceptance" when I was lost in addiction. Addiction is all about chasing something, something different, and not living in the day, but living in a dream world with endless possibilities. Addiction is about self-hatred, lack of reality, hurting oneself, and blaming everyone else. Addiction is a lost-world, where our thoughts and our actions do not match, where we are the center of the universe, and where others perceptions of us matter much more than our own perception of ourselves. It is a time when our fears dictate our actions and running away from consequences is a matter of survival.

Acceptance is a step toward reality. If we can accept and love ourselves. If we can accept and thrive in our consequences. If we can live in the day and let go of our past demons and stop the worry of what is to come, we can find true acceptance. Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough, yet, here I am, four months into my imprisonment, and I am still believing in my serenity. I am still loving my friends and family, and they are loving me in return. I still turn to my higher power when I feel powerless, and I am still not gambling, and I've not crossed into a different addiction. I am accepting the circumstances of my situation, and I even laugh every now and then. Yesterday, my best laugh came when I was reading the January edition of "Reader's Digest." There was a picture in there that was funny, although we know it was not intended that way - it was connected to a serious story. I made my entire table of friends laugh as I made a "crack" about the photo. We laughed hard. We needed that laugh. Perhaps it would not have struck us as funny outside of where we are, but it did last night, and I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful that I helped others find some laughter. Yesterday, was a sad day for many. A friend, Mama, was missing her kids, especially since her middle child turned six yesterday. A bunch of us were missing Star, as she was moved to a room in the medical center - since she is less than one month from having her baby. It will be rare, now, for us to see her. With Christmas approaching, those in their first year (especially) are having a tough time thinking of the holidays without their family. Some are receiving cards from friends and family members for the holiday, that they haven't heard from in months, or even a year. I know that I've received numerous cards from G.A. members, who may or may not really know who I am. I appreciate all the love and support, others just go to dark places. They are, often, unable to accept that their life has brought them to this place.

I have no idea how this experience would have been, had I been having it five years ago, when I was just trying to understand my addiction, and my self-hatred was at an all-time high. I know that "acceptance" would have not been a part of my experience, I was too 'broken' to see through my actions, the consequences, or that I could have a future beyond this experience. Since I live in the day, I know that I can not even begin to know what that future looks like, but in the past, I would have made up a million stories in my head of the hatred, failures, and demons that would follow me. Today, I do not. I am, of course, concerned greatly about what comes after this, and even what the next 4-5 months here will be like, but it is something I release when the fears grow.

I know from experience, that my life is never where I think it will be, and my thoughts are always worse than reality. In reality, some people thrive even in the worst of circumstances. For me, I know that I am not in the worst of circumstances - there are prisons all over this world far worse than I am in. There are people imprisoned far longer than I am, for crimes they may not even have committed. There are people who fear for their life, just for being who they are, on the streets in nearly every country. There are people who sacrificed years of their lives for ensuring a better future for the future generations. I can always think about Nelson Mandela and his book, "Long Walk to Freedom," and the prison I visited that showed me where he lived for most of the 27 years he was incarcerated, and I know that there are countless others who have done similar for their beliefs and the betterment of others.

I am in prison due to my own actions. My addiction is an explanation of the actions, but I accept that I must face the consequences. I accept that I am one of few people who believe that prison is not an end, but just another road block to a wonderful and fulfilling life. I know that this experience is something I will grow from, and will not hide from in the future. If I am open and honest with others, they will be powerless to hold this experience over me as a threat. I will no longer be threatened about my past and who I was/am. Yes, I will always be a felon. Yes, I am going through a very difficult experience. Yes, without my addiction, I would never have made such bad choices. I accept myself. I accept my choices. I accept my situation. I will accept what happens next because of it. Acceptance, again, is the way to serenity. At least, it is for me.