From Dragonfly: Acceptance Again

In the past, I've written you about acceptance. It is such an important way to deal with imprisonment, consequences, and things that just don't go as we had planned. I had no ability to understand "acceptance" when I was lost in addiction. Addiction is all about chasing something, something different, and not living in the day, but living in a dream world with endless possibilities. Addiction is about self-hatred, lack of reality, hurting oneself, and blaming everyone else. Addiction is a lost-world, where our thoughts and our actions do not match, where we are the center of the universe, and where others perceptions of us matter much more than our own perception of ourselves. It is a time when our fears dictate our actions and running away from consequences is a matter of survival.

Acceptance is a step toward reality. If we can accept and love ourselves. If we can accept and thrive in our consequences. If we can live in the day and let go of our past demons and stop the worry of what is to come, we can find true acceptance. Sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough, yet, here I am, four months into my imprisonment, and I am still believing in my serenity. I am still loving my friends and family, and they are loving me in return. I still turn to my higher power when I feel powerless, and I am still not gambling, and I've not crossed into a different addiction. I am accepting the circumstances of my situation, and I even laugh every now and then. Yesterday, my best laugh came when I was reading the January edition of "Reader's Digest." There was a picture in there that was funny, although we know it was not intended that way - it was connected to a serious story. I made my entire table of friends laugh as I made a "crack" about the photo. We laughed hard. We needed that laugh. Perhaps it would not have struck us as funny outside of where we are, but it did last night, and I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful that I helped others find some laughter. Yesterday, was a sad day for many. A friend, Mama, was missing her kids, especially since her middle child turned six yesterday. A bunch of us were missing Star, as she was moved to a room in the medical center - since she is less than one month from having her baby. It will be rare, now, for us to see her. With Christmas approaching, those in their first year (especially) are having a tough time thinking of the holidays without their family. Some are receiving cards from friends and family members for the holiday, that they haven't heard from in months, or even a year. I know that I've received numerous cards from G.A. members, who may or may not really know who I am. I appreciate all the love and support, others just go to dark places. They are, often, unable to accept that their life has brought them to this place.

I have no idea how this experience would have been, had I been having it five years ago, when I was just trying to understand my addiction, and my self-hatred was at an all-time high. I know that "acceptance" would have not been a part of my experience, I was too 'broken' to see through my actions, the consequences, or that I could have a future beyond this experience. Since I live in the day, I know that I can not even begin to know what that future looks like, but in the past, I would have made up a million stories in my head of the hatred, failures, and demons that would follow me. Today, I do not. I am, of course, concerned greatly about what comes after this, and even what the next 4-5 months here will be like, but it is something I release when the fears grow.

I know from experience, that my life is never where I think it will be, and my thoughts are always worse than reality. In reality, some people thrive even in the worst of circumstances. For me, I know that I am not in the worst of circumstances - there are prisons all over this world far worse than I am in. There are people imprisoned far longer than I am, for crimes they may not even have committed. There are people who fear for their life, just for being who they are, on the streets in nearly every country. There are people who sacrificed years of their lives for ensuring a better future for the future generations. I can always think about Nelson Mandela and his book, "Long Walk to Freedom," and the prison I visited that showed me where he lived for most of the 27 years he was incarcerated, and I know that there are countless others who have done similar for their beliefs and the betterment of others.

I am in prison due to my own actions. My addiction is an explanation of the actions, but I accept that I must face the consequences. I accept that I am one of few people who believe that prison is not an end, but just another road block to a wonderful and fulfilling life. I know that this experience is something I will grow from, and will not hide from in the future. If I am open and honest with others, they will be powerless to hold this experience over me as a threat. I will no longer be threatened about my past and who I was/am. Yes, I will always be a felon. Yes, I am going through a very difficult experience. Yes, without my addiction, I would never have made such bad choices. I accept myself. I accept my choices. I accept my situation. I will accept what happens next because of it. Acceptance, again, is the way to serenity. At least, it is for me.