From Dragonfly: Doing What Is Right For Me

So, I've spent most of my life as a passive person. When someone tried to overpower me, I would just curl up in a ball - literally when I was young, figuratively when I was older. I always ran as far as I could from confrontation, which meant never sticking up for myself. However, I could stick up for anyone else. I was a strong advocate and passion showed when I needed to defend someone, but I was unable to defend or stand up for myself.

When I started in recovery 5 1/2 years ago, this was one of the big changes I had. I started to even notice how passive I was, and I started to gain the self-confidence to be able to stand my ground on my own behalf. There were failures, I allowed a supervisor to emotionally attack me for 4 1/2 months before I said, "enough is enough," and in the end was able to speak my mind and come to peace within myself to never allow someone to act that way to me again.

Instead of just being passive for the past several years, I have taken a deep breath, taken a chance, and faced life head on. It was hard and sometimes I didn't like the result - like what's happened to me with school, but at least I know I am not running away. Fear is not stopping me from taking care of myself by being honest, grateful, and giving it over to my higher power when I need to. That is what recovery is all about and I thank god every day for my years of recovery and the gifts it has brought me.

So, for the past few weeks, I have taken a couple steps back. That's what progress is all about - it's not about perfection, but about trying our best. I allowed someone at work to bully me and I did not confront it back. I never asked, "why?" I fell victim. What we know, is that the more we allow someone to step all over us, the more they will. It started with the person just "snapping" at me now and then. Then she started to blame me for things that I know are not true. I figured it was just a bad spell and we'd somehow get past this. But, I was wrong. I should have said something.

Today, everything came to full circle. It always does. Never think that things won't come out sometime later, it always does. The person was being asked about something and she threw me under the bus, claimed I did something I didn't. Something that I knew could result in my being fired. When I learned about it, I took the non-passive route and brought myself directly to the staff member to state the truth about my own actions. I was done hiding from the person who has been unkind to me, I had to stand up for myself. Well, that got us both in the office and when the staff member asked me how the two of us have been working together lately, I spoke the truth. The hard truth - as hard for me as for her - as I was admitting that I allowed myself to be treated badly and I was "spilling the beans" right in front of the person. It was so uncomfortable, but I had had enough. I was not going to be treated like my coworker has some power over me because I never spoke up. So, I finally did. In the end, nothing happened, nothing at all. But I'd accidentally gotten a student in trouble in the mean time - throwing someone under the bus by accident, while speaking the truth. Certainly, not what I was intending. Back at my unit, I walked up the student, who had already been talked to, and told her that according to my recovery program, when I am wrong I promptly admit it. I told the student that it was my fault for bringing her up and that I was sorry. I was trying to make a point and hadn't considered the impact of telling something. She could have gotten in trouble. I'm glad the staff member did not do that. This is not about that student, this is about the relationship between my coworker and myself.

So, while I am telling this student my apology and she is forgiving me, my coworker walks up to me and starts going in at me. She doesn't know that before I left work today, I told the staff member to please plan a time for us all to talk, because relations are really bad between my coworker and myself. Secondly, I said, "and if someone has to go, please let me go... I have four months, she has years." I truly believe that. I LOVE my job, but I will not allow someone to take away my serenity or ability to survive prison day by day and still be able to sleep at night.

After the coworker went off on me, I just walked away. That's what I learned to do when someone is being unreasonable and angry, just walk away. Do not engage. I walked away and I wrote a note. I resigned from my job. It sucks, but it is the right thing to do for me. I can still help students on the side, if they want some help. I have only months left, I don't want this other person to look at me as an enemy and she is really good at math and the students will benefit from her teaching them. I was good too, but I will not allow myself to again be stressed about going to work everyday, because I fear how someone will talk to me. This is the way I will know that I can keep my head up and not be constantly walking on egg shells. It's going to be okay. I am about to deliver the note in person. I do not know the reaction I will get, but I suspect it will be fine. I am just an inmate. I can be replaced.