2.5 Hours of Freedom

I slept. Some. I meditated. Some. I dreamed. Some. I thought about words I didn't yet say and people I hadn't reached out to and yesterday's advice from the correctional officer and how bizarre and amazing that we had that moment with the correctional officer and the number of times Survivor and I have gotten lost in the 48 hours since arriving and how almost no restaurants were open on a Sunday night (not even McDonald's) and my sadness at turning in the handbook project not quite complete and that this motel lied about having free wifi if it goes in and out every other minute and how I will take a shower if I can't buy shower shoes for a couple days and ...

I think my ADD comes out especially strong at moments of high stress. At the same time, though, I'm resting comfortably and I did send one last message to some of my close friends:

"Never think I wouldn't be happy to hear about the good things in your lives because of where I will be. Also, never think that you can not complain to me because of it either. Remember that I am not the center of the universe. I hope you all will share with me your ups and downs. I care about you all (okay, some of you a little more than others - ha). I am and will be okay! I have all the tools of my recovery program to get me through this and I am not alone. I am going in with an army fighting for me at every second. If someone starts in on me, I truly believe that all I need to do is close my eyes and you all will be in my head calming me, holding me, loving me, patching me up, and helping me as if you could step outside my dreams. The scary inside those gates have nothing on the calm and love you all have shown me throughout this ordeal."

I share this because I believe it to be true and I never want my friends to feel that they cannot be whole with me because of my situation. My imprisonment is only temporary and my friendships and love, hopefully, are permanent.

A Quick Last Request

I have a special group of women in my life. We are all in G.A. together and have formed a special community of support and recovery. In my first year of recovery, one of the women, Peppy, mentioned to me that it would be great to have a special retreat for women in G.A. and told me about an experience she had with another group. It lit a spark and within months, I developed the first annual women's recovery weekend retreat to be held at my aunt's property - wonderful, serene land in a rural Midwestern farming and arts community. Seven woman signed up that first year - most sleeping on air mattresses - and we played a great game for women, called "Cowgirls." It is a game where women friends can learn more about one another, laugh, reveal, tell stories, and be strong. We found ourselves playing that game every night, in addition to our other activities of campfires, cook outs, discussions, reflections, creative projects, writing, sharing and much more. More women have joined us since that time (although we top out at 10 people) and we've held the retreat every year, but we are now officially the "Cowgirls." This year, the retreat will go forward without me, and I'm glad it will. This retreat is about each person in the group, not just me, and we all look forward to it every year. I'll be looking forward to hearing how our 5th annual festivities helped each woman find a little more serenity.

Two days ago, I made a request of my fellow cowgirls. I asked if we all could do a conference call together before my self-surrender and say the serenity prayer. The serenity prayer runs through all 12-step programs, from what I understand, and is an important part of keeping ourselves thinking and acting rationally. So often, we become obsessed with those things that we have no power over. The serenity prayer gives us the words to refocus our thoughts to only that which is possible. We must have serenity to accept the things we cannot change. I must accept (and my friends must accept) that there is nothing in our power to change the fact that I am going to prison tomorrow. We must have courage to change the things we can. I must have courage (and my friends must have courage as well) to find the strength to make difficult decisions regarding my health, finances, education, relationships, etc. We must have the wisdom to know the difference. I must have wisdom (and my friends must have wisdom as well) to know when something is or is not within our control. For me, right now, almost nothing is within my control. I've signed over legal documents to put everyone else in control of all my affairs. Instead of taking responsibility, I will be walking away from it while my friends take on all of mine. But they, too, must have the wisdom to accept when even with their best efforts, they may not be able to better my situation(s) from the outside.

Having this time, tonight, at 10pm (12 hours before my self-surrender) to have all my cowgirls on the phone line was like having a boost of love and energy sent to me through the phone. I thought we would just do the serenity prayer and hang up, but we actually spent 30 minutes talking. Some friends spoke kind thoughts to me, others asked questions. I just took it all in. These women, strong, smart, capable women - all here for me - two even celebrating their birthdays tonight - but they chose to support me and be there for me.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom --- Indeed.

I Meet My First Carswell C.O.

Today we made it to Fort Worth, Texas and made our first stop finding FMC Carswell. I read multiple times on Prison Talk that people get lost often. I was pleased to find the prison on my google maps, and this is what we found (the following is a video - make sure you turn up your sound):

Things did not end there, however. We soon learned that we had found the right gate for weekend visitation (there is no longer Friday or Monday visitation at Carswell for some reason), but a different gate for self-surrender. I’m not sure how I was supposed to know this specific information, but I was open and honest with the Corrections Officer at the visitation security booth and he told me and Survivor to pull over and he would come over and give me directions to the “right” gate and some “hints” for doing my time at Carswell.

I need to start by saying that this C.O. was incredibly friendly, even when what he was telling me was  un-politically correct. In fact, I’m going to share some of the transcript with you – the breaks are because he was also waving cars by and doing the job he was supposed to do. He talked to us for over 15 minutes. We asked little - he offered all the topics and his comments. I imagine he's been asked some questions before. I imagine most haven't done the research I have. I’m keeping him anonymous – but as I said, he was kind. Later today, I looked at Survivor and commented, “oh my, his speech was almost identical to the counselor’s speech to Piper on her first day in 'Orange is the New Black'!” I kid you not. If I stay away from trouble and keep to myself, I will be okay. Oh, and stay away from the 'lesbians'. Don’t we all hear that advice over and over again?

 “Here’s the advice I’m going to give you. Come here. Do your time. Be as productive as you can while you are here. You only have a year, right? Ten months or so. So, you already need to be in the mindset of getting out. You don’t need to get involved with all the bullshit that goes on in prison. Because there is quite a bit of it. I’m not going to lie. 'Dyking' and all that stuff. It’s a female prison. It goes on here. Just like it would go on at a male prison. If you do the right things, people aren’t going to mess with you, because they want to be involved in the dirty stuff. Does that make sense to you? So, if they get an inkling that you want to go that route, they’re going to suck you right in….”

“About the medical care. You can read all kinds of stuff about any hospital not just a prison. Pull up any hospital and you’re going to read all kinds of crap. You can find good things you hear bad things. I’ll tell you this. The inmates here will see the same doctor here and you and I would. They don’t make, trust me when I tell you this, they’re not calling around to see who is the cheapest doctor, they’re not taking you in the alley somewhere to get you some treatment or nothing like that. You are going to get the best medical care that you can find. So, I hope that helps ease your mind. Okay? This is a hospital, so we have nurses, we actually have PA’s here, we have everything you need at a regular hospital, other than we are not going to do operations or anything like that. All that gets sent out to the local hospitals. The guards go with you. You get your medical stuff done and you come back. So, that should ease your mind. Right about that part anyway…”

“As far as like the prison life itself, inside of the prison, it’s a lot harder inside than if you were going to the camp. That’s why I asked you if you were going to the camp. Because of your medical condition, this is the only medical center. So, with that being said, right, in those housing units, depending on where they put you, typically 200-300 inmates per housing unit with just one officer, so you really got to look out for yourself. Like I said, if you stayed to yourself, I’m not telling you to come here and not to talk to people. You know, do like you would do out on the street in an unfamiliar area. You know use your manners and stuff like that. There’s a lot of programs that you can get involved with. Like I said, remember, you’re going to have a short time. Get involved as soon as you walk in the door. Start with education. They’ve got the chapel. They’ve got all kinds of programs. If you want to lose some weight, they have a walking track, it’s a half a mile. Get out there and walk early in the morning, you don’t have to jog. Right? You’re going to have a job, right? Depending on how bad your sickness is, you may not have a job while you are here. But then you might. You might want one. So, you’ll see inmates that don’t want to do nothing while they’re here…”

“The food, it’s not the greatest. But I’ll tell you this, it’s better than the troops are eating over in the desert. So, when it comes to that kind of stuff, the inmates, I hear them complaining, but I don’t hear them. Does that make sense? Cause a lot of these inmates, they have it better than they did out on the streets. It might not be better than you’ve been used to, but a lot better than some of them. So, you take it for what it’s worth. You know? We have a commissary, so you’ll go shopping in the commissary. A lot of the inmates – I mean you’re going to notice all these games that the inmates play – you’ll, I mean, being around on the street you’re going to be able to see them. You’re going to see inmates running around and doing whatever. You do what you think is right. Obviously, if you go and tell and they find out who told, you’re going to cause problems for yourself, right? Now, on the down low, we always get a lot of inmates dropping notes or they catch the officer by themselves. Well, that’s on you to do. We’re not going to ask you to do it. A lot of the inmates feel that they need to do that. Unbelievable stuff that goes on here in prison.”

I really liked this part of his monologue to me:

“Trust me, this is going to be a life changing experience for you. The bad thing about this is that you’re the one getting the time, …., anybody in your life is also getting to experience this at the same time. While you’re doing your time, everything comes to a standstill. It’s not just you. Okay, so don’t go in there and get to being sorry about yourself, because you’re not the only one doing the time. Your family is too. It sucks for me to come here and have to see the families come inside to visit….”

 “So, have a tough skin when you get here. Not too tough, okay? You’re a woman, so it’s okay to be a woman… Ten months is a short time. To be honest with you, if there’s anything else medically wrong with you, this is the time to get it fixed. You know what I’m saying? It’s going to be free. Everything is going to be free, so anything that you usually have copays out there, you’re not going to have to pay for here. Okay now, they do charge for sick calls and things like that, it’s like $2.00 bucks. You know what I’m saying? Personally, if I was locked down, I’d get everything done. So, don’t turn this into a negative. Make sure you’re keeping it positive. Like I said, you’ve got a short time. You’re going to see those inmates doing 30, 40, 50 years, life. Don’t get sucked into them suckers. Because they’re going to try to be your buddy. Because they know what you get out, you’re going to have a job and they want money coming back in. When you get here you’re not going to have a single friend. You’re not coming here with anyone going in or out, because that’s how you’re going to leave, by yourself.”

He then told me to be incredibly grateful for my circle of people supporting me from the outside and to assure everyone that I’m okay – no matter what – I’m okay. CO's will call me "inmate" or by my last name. I am to refer to the CO's by Officer (insert last name here) and look them in their eyes. I should respect the officers even if I were to bump into them after I leave the prison.

“I didn’t put you here, you put yourself in here.”

I appreciated his candor and support and the fact that he was straight forward and kind. He kind of lost me a bit with "dyking," as his judgements of people showed nearly immediately. But, generally, his advice is true and while I do not intend to get excessive medical care I do not need, I will try to make the best of my time in Carswell.

Pictures of Serenity

I was given a rare opportunity just one month prior to my sentencing. I was allowed to travel internationally with several colleagues from my school to South Africa. I am bringing with me into Carswell many memories of awe inspiring beauty. I thought I'd share a couple images I took that are now instilled in my brain when I close my eyes:

We can never forget that there is incredible beauty in this world and reasons to take our next breath.

The Last Minute Details

Today is about doing those things that needed to - or I wanted to - wait until today to ensure completion. I will officially move from my smart phone to an old phone, drop my service to the lowest basic possible Verizon phone service available, and then suspend my account. In three months, Survivor will suspend my account again. Then, for the final months, my bills that will be due, will be a fraction of the amount I was paying with an iPhone plan. The phone I'm switching my account to does not even work. It is just a account holder, so I don't break my contract or lose my number.

It's going to be a lot of phone calls first! I have to make sure I at least try to call some people before officially turning off this phone - my last communications for a very long while that are protected by the first amendment, where I can speak my mind, have no time limit, not worry I'll be censured, and not fear who is listening in.

Before any of that, I'm going to have breakfast with my step-sister and my niece whom I adore. We will have no talk of tomorrow. A perfect start to my day.

An Email as I Travel

I receive emails and messages often and they all bring me to tears. This one just came to my email and I needed to share with all of you - my community. I am truly one blessed woman!

"Good morning dragonflyhazel-

My name is __________. I came across your blog yesterday thru prisontalk.com-what a blessing that website

is. You brought tears to my eyes on more than one occassion. It brought back memories of a few years ago when my fiance turned himself in-fought his case for a year so we knew it was coming, but as I'm sure you already know, no matter how much you prepare for it, you're never truly prepared. You are such a

strong woman and will come thru this "detour" in you life even stronger.

 

I am so glad you included your email address because I have a picture for you that I don't believe I can send replying to your blog (a little technology challenged here.lol). It's my 13year old cat, Oreo. He gets a little irritated if he feels the computer is getting more of my attention than he is. I have found him in this

same pose on more than one occassion. I hope the picture is clear enough to see what's on the monitor -that he appears to be reading. If not, please let me know & I'll try sending it again-I'm positive it will put a smile on your face.

 

Anyway, good luck to you & I hope the next 10mos will fly by for you. Always remember that your prisontalk family is here praying for you and looking forward to hearing from you thru your friends-and what an incredible network of friends you have. Stay strong, take care & God Bless You."

Logging My Day

I'm going to keep on editing and updating this post as the day occurs.

All central time

4:37am - It is the third time I'm waking for the night out of a bad dream. The stress must have taken on my subconscious. I had an allergic reaction to an odor last night and I'm still nasal and have a mild headache from the experience. I'm thinking about when to do the official message on Facebook that I'm going on "hiatus," whether I need to make contact with certain people one last time even though it's hard, if there's anyone I've forgotten to talk to or give my address to, and looking up a GA meeting in Dallas/Fort Worth to attend tomorrow.

5:00 am - I just learned that the Lone Star State does not have any GA meetings in Fort Worth, only a Spanish meeting in Dallas on Saturday night (where unfortunately I will only understand "hola"), and nothing in Dallas Sunday until later in the day when we will already be in Fort Worth area and preparing for my self surrender - including driving by the gates of Carswell once to ensure we know the route (lots of posts about getting lost).

8:30 am - As I sat and watched the trees and birds while laying on the couch, I could hear Cache's alarm go off in her bedroom. I decided that the smell of bacon is the best way to wake and I knew she wanted bacon this morning with breakfast. Only took 25 minutes for her to join me and start dj'ing my morning (she loves music and I enjoy her choices). She enjoyed the bacon as well.

11:00 am - I am in Traveler's car with her and Joy headed toward the airport. We are nearly 1 1/2-2 hours from the airport, so we have to plan early and we wanted to stop for lunch. I wanted them both to be with me. They are good friends, but don't know one another well. It's worked out great so far, they are talking a lot and I'm spending time taking in the nature outside, responding to phone messages, and seeing posts on my Facebook page in response to my "hiatus" announcement. Asked what kind of food I want, I said Thai. I love ethnic food and won't be getting it for a long, long time.

Saying goodbye to Cache was one of the  ones I was not prepared for. That's about all I can say here about it, but I'm just glad "goodbye," is only in-person and not by all means of communication.

1:30 pm - I am at the airport. The Thai food we found was wonderful, but I was unable to eat much, Joy will enjoy my leftovers. I received a new email response to this blog that made me smile, so I shared it. I've heard from people in New York, California, Florida, Illinois, Texas, and beyond. It's humbling to say the least!

In May, 2008, I also rolled a single bag through the airport to a scary unknown. I was leaving where I'd been living for a decade and heading back to the Midwest, to heal from a hysterectomy and my life falling apart. I'd spent the night at a dingy, dirty motel the night before that stunk of cigarettes and I was scared to even catch a glimpse of what beneath the bed could look like. I was alone, broken, and only a miracle saved me from killing myself that night.

Today, two amazing women brought me to the airport, cried as they hugged me goodbye, and assured me that I was not a bad person and I was loved. Just moments prior, they'd offered to assist me while I'm incarcerated in a way I could never imagine a friend being. They are truly selfless and kind and all I could do was cry of the gratitude that I've been allowed this opportunity to have a community of beautiful people and support around me. 

I had nothing and no one through addiction and I have the greatest of life's gifts through recovery - even at a time as difficult as today, as I face minutes until I board my flight toward prison.

For the last year, going through airport security has been an interesting experience. Since I am on enbryl - a biologic autoimmune medication requiring refrigeration - I travel with a special travel case with ice and fridge packs. The medication and the case cannot go through X-ray, so neither can I. Therefore, I'm an automatic pat down. I'm friendly about it, give myself enough time, and definitely do not give security a problem. Today, I had an incredibly kind guard who offered me a private room. I thought to myself, I'm getting pat down, over my clothing, by a woman I will never see again; whereas in two days I start receiving strip searches, naked, where I must squat and spread my lower cheeks in front of someone who will then see me nearly every day. So, I let her just do it. She was kind, informed me of her next area of pat down, and did not touch me anywhere inappropriate. Now to keep my medication cool until I reach my destination hotel later tonight.

2:45 pm - I was doing well. Kept to myself and waited for boarding. Group 3 was called and I made my way down the ramp and as I boarded the flight, I informed a flight attendant of my need to keep some medication cold. She took my seat number. Approaching my seat, three men, without my asking, took my bag and stowed it in the overhead for me (I am a mere 5' tall). Gentlemen. I watched out the window as a baggage guy on the Tarmac slowly took bags off his truck and placed them perfectly on their wheels one after the other. When he pulled off the last bag, he threw it at all the other bags and they all tumbled to their sides (STRIKE!). Hope there was nothing fragile in any of them. He then got into his truck and drove away. The bags sat there, on the Tarmac, no plane or person to posess them. I suppose that's how one gets lost luggage - a rare game of luggage bowling on the Tarmac.

Then it was time, we started pulling out of the terminal and I stared out my window and the tears became blinding. I touched the plastic window glass wishing I could feel today's perfect weather just one last time. I held memories of certain goodbyes and people. Those people who are my people. The person who is my person. I cried and stared at trees and runways and grass and numbers and clouds and the total lack of wind. The air is perfectly still today, something so rare here. A still day - a day that stands still. Yet, I am moving.

4:15 pm - We are starting our descent ahead of schedule. A nice man talked with me a bit about his three kids and their college choices. I mostly worked on my computer on a handbook I am trying to complete - my one last responsibility - as a summer fellowship project - before my incarceration. But after nearly an hour's work, my computer restarted on its own due to updates, I missed the warning because of window glare. I lost everything I'd written today except one sentence. Guess it was not meant to be. Candy Crush kept me company until now, but I've been on the same level for over a month, have hundreds of free turns because I don't play very often, and still can't beat the darn thing. Good distraction, I suppose. 

I discovered a paperback book left in my seat pocket. I was hoping to pull it out and find some perfect book to go along with this moment of life. It appears it was not a symbolic book left for me, but could be an interesting read nonetheless - I sometimes like postapocalyptic novels -  "Edenborn," by Nick Sagan. I will leave it for the next passenger. I can't take it in with me, so I do not want to start something if I can't finish it. Not everything is about me, after all.

7:15 pm - Survivor and I are finally at our hotel. Our map application sent us 50 minutes in the wrong direction. We passed downtown Dallas 3x and finally found our way to our hotel in North Dallas by the Galleria Mall. One thing I don't need to do is shop. I can't take it with me! Survivor does a good job of distracting me from reality, but my head can't help but want to go through all the paperwork and planning we must do. My other pea in my pod, sitting on her bed, reading and sharing with me. How would I have gotten through these final days without her?

11:30 pm - Can't believe I'm still awake. We remarkably selected a random Mexican restaurant that was wonderful and talked little about the upcoming reality I'm about to face. Survivor shared stories of her kids and grand kids, who I know and love to hear updates about. Survivor and I never run out of topics.

Then we made our way to a liquor store. Oh, get your head out of where it is going! They have western union. It was both of our first times ever filling out the western union form to deposit money into an inmate account. We, of course, started with the wrong form. Then the clerk told us that the BOP stopped allowing transfers - but he checked and they'd started again. Had it actually been on hold, and I'd not mailed money in earlier, I could've had to wait over a week for any commissary funds. It was especially odd putting my own inmate number and name on the "to" line. After much discussion and reading, I deposited $400 for the initial fund. It will be in my account by morning. Even though at the beginning there are many items to "stock up" on, we are still limited to the $290/month maximum (except for phone, email, and stamps). Survivor will send the rest of my deposits (lower amounts) through the Iowa p.o. box and ensure they arrive around the 7th of the month. My $290 limit will reset on the 10th of every month (the last digit of the first five in my inmate number multiplied by 3 and add 1. Mine is a 3. So (3x3)+1=10.

The liquor store was about a mile from our dinner restaurant and a random choice for western union. The irony of the place was the side room, with three sad looking electronic slot/poker machines and tired older men playing desperately trying to hit something. The western union slips were next to the side room and I couldn't help but think about the connection of how those machines were the initial imputus for my entry into casino gambling. Spinning reels of fruits at 21 years of age fast forwards to the initial support of my prison commissary account at 40 years of age.

Back at our hotel room, we went over all the folders of paperwork I brought. The drawback of not living in the same state anymore. Survivor will need to bring home paperwork for herself, Faith, Sporty, and my mom. I think Survivor has earnined her angel wings ten fold! We laughed that I may be the most organized person ever entering prison. Health records. Check. College transcripts. Check. Surrender letter. Check. Advocacy group for medical support on the outside. Check. Pretty much a check to everything, except for haircut. I haven't decided if I'm going to get one. I may just let it grow while incarcerated. I don't want to deal with the underground barter system if I can help it.

I did an enbryl injection, took my nightly medications, and spoke my incredible gratitude to Survivor.

It is 12:35am now. I've been awake 20 hours. I now have 33 1/2 hours and I must sleep much of them away. Thanks for being a part of this day and following this log.

A Blank Calendar

My appointments, responsibilities, and life as I lived it for the past few years has officially ended. My phone calendar, which typically beeps at me constantly to remind me of my next thing to do or place to be, is empty. My twelve keys went to ten, then seven, then six, then four, then two, and now zero. I leave tomorrow with a small roller bag filled with more medication and paperwork than clothing.

I laughed tonight. A lot. I saw a wonderfully funny - smart funny - movie. A perfect distraction. My tears came at times later, but I could focus and move forward. 

An earlier blog mentioned the idea of Survivor and I taking a road trip, but expenses were too high. Instead we are each flying in, from different airports, as we live several hours away from one another. We will meet in Dallas, spend the first night in a nice hotel, and ensure my finances and other needs are all being properly cared for by someone. We will laugh too, Survivor always makes me laugh!

I sent an email today to the student who broke my trust which resulted in many negative consequences. I chose to apologize to her as I do not want to leave with any ill will. It really makes no difference that she broke my confidence, because other people's reactions are based on my being a felon and going to prison. My anger at her is displaced. I cannot put blame on others for how people react to pieces of my story - real or fictionalized. My challenge is to help people understand the reality of this addiction more so compassion and forgiveness is possible.

I am leaving in peace and with hope that I will be back here soon, adding keys to my keyring, appointments to my calendar, and a bit better at not displacing my anger or fear on others.

Oh, and another update on the future of this blog. Additional friends will be assisting to keep it going. I will be writing posts often and emailing them, which will be posted with their date written. Friends may talk about their experiences around all this. Stay on this journey with us. I look forward to seeing how things look and reading the blogs and comments upon my return!

3 days til self surrender. 14 hours til I fly to Texas.

Last Day at School

I woke up perfectly at 5:30am central time. I've trained myself well to wake to the alarm of my watch. At least I will not dread the mornings. I highly recommend getting yourself ready for the early morning wake-ups if you are not already!

I did not make today a "light" day or a fun day. Although I will have a lot of fun anyway. I am spending the entire day doing what I love - teaching. I literally won't even have breaks. I'd figured I would offer to help facilitate the training program for new international teaching assistants this week - mind as well do what I absolutely love my last days here and remember what I hope to come home to.

Tonight I'm going to dinner and then a movie - a comedy. I can still live in the day - the moment - when I need to.

On Monday morning, my life will change forever. There is no book written for what that change will be for me and I'm going to keep believing that there is a positive purpose for my imprisonment, for the fact that I am needing to be at FMC Carswell.

At the time my life fell apart five years ago, I did not know these things, yet I now know there was a purpose then as well. I was supposed to get the help I needed and I was supposed to help others. I was supposed to meet T.S., Sporty, Survivor and others and down the road, I was supposed to come to terms with my past and my "family." I was supposed to discover a new career and engage in learning on a new level. Had I not gone through the difficult and unknown, none of that would exist for me today.

So, five years later, I'm being told to strip myself again -literally and figuratively - of everything I know and go through the difficult and unknown. I cannot know what will exist for me on the other side of this experience I am about to endure, but I will endure it, there will be an other side, and one day I will share with all of you once again that we must walk through these experiences in order to look back on them, reflect, and realize the gifts that we actually gained along the way.

The Ups and Downs

Five years ago, I went from having a good paying job, partner, kids, friends, nice home, although my life was a mess due to my addiction and behavior to a sudden shift of being homeless, jobless, broke, alone, mourning the reality that my partner and kids left me, and still a total mess - until I found gamblers anonymous and my life got better one day at a time. 

Two months ago, I happily sat on a couch in my apartment that not only felt like home to me, but nearly every person who entered. I had a leased car and was able to pay the bills on time. In fact, I paid all my bills and my taxes on time. I had a job I loved that I had just recently been hired to do and as the boss said, was a "perfect fit." I had health insurance that covered even my most expensive medications. I had a fellowship and a research project and a class I cared about. I was projected to finish my phd in 2016.

Today, I am homeless, as I crash at Cache's apartment until I leave. I have no car, as my parents are taking on my lease. I will not have the funds to ensure full payment of my bills while away. I am unemployed, as my last day of work was yesterday. I have no health insurance, which came with the job. I have no current fellowship, research, or classes and no definite projection for my degree.

It's crazy to think this is the best way to ensure I can meet my restitution obligations. 

Since my "unintentional intervention" (the day I was found out to be a compulsive gambler and my bad acts were discovered), I have had to walk away/resign from two careers and while I retain hope for the one I'm working in now, we all know prison and a felony complicates things.

Why am I writing this? Because these "downs," they are not easy to take. I start to ask myself, "really?? I haven't lost enough yet? I haven't paid enough punishment YET?"

I take pity on myself. It's hard to get my head out of that place. I cry and try to control the outcomes. And then all I can do is accept.

At the same time, there are situations in which we must be our own advocates, where change is possible. We must be wise and seek advice and really only spend our energy on those areas in which we are being wronged. Anger is not the answer. Resources, logic, assistance, and truth may be. I am in one of these situations right now. I am just a day away from leaving for Texas, and some areas of pre-planning have suddenly not gone the way intended and I'm not sure why. I'm sorry to be vague, but it's really a long story and I do not yet know the outcome. What I do know, is that what has happened has the potential to affect my life substantially outside of prison while I am in prison and I will not be able to do anything about it. So, with just 48 hours (I started this Thursday) I've sought out help of colleagues, mentors, and professionals, and advocated for myself. I may not be able to cause change, but I'm not being passive either. I'm also establishing a paper trail so if something does occur while I'm in Carswell, I have what I need to continue the fight if I choose to upon my release. I have determination! 

Another reason I share all this is that I want to show that you can lose absolutely everything and think your life is never going to be good again, but I'm living proof that it can and does get better. It didn't even take a full five years, my life was significantly better in a year.

I honestly don't know when I'll be coming back here from Texas and what I will have to come home to - job, school, etc. What I do know is that it really doesn't matter. I will not give up hope. I'm going to get my phd. I'm going to have a home again that I love. I'll rebuild my credit. Everything is only temporary, as long as we are willing to do the work to make change.

Serenity Prayer

Today was one of those days where I had to keep reminding myself to refocus my energy and thoughts to those things I can actually change. Which is very little - since we cannot change people, places or things - no matter how much we try. If I'm actually able to stop trying to manipulate things I have no control over, I am able to be much more content and grounded. Being human, though, seems to lean to wanting people to act a specific way, having expectations even when we never voice them, and believing our own way is the right and best way. We waste so much time worrying or upset because things don't go according to our plan, people don't have the power to read our thoughts, and no one wants to follow our lead. Instead we need to focus on ourselves, flexibility, open mindlessness, and willingness to sometimes listen to others, to sometimes follow instead of lead, and to be clear about our own needs and desires.

Even when practicing these principles, it still hurts when someone harms you by their actions. It is still hard at times to fully acknowledge our needs until we know they are not being met. It's still hard to follow when we know our idea may work better.

Today was hard for all these reasons for me. The important thing is that I was able to deal with them without causing any further harm to myself or others. I will be able to sleep tonight. That's important as well.

There was good today as well. I received a top notch work evaluation and a pretty convincing invitation back as long as I am back next summer in time. My coworkers took me to lunch as well. My supervisor tried to give me $50 cash, but I refused it. She kept pushing, but I said my appreciation and told her that I could not accept the money. She was disappointed, but I knew I was doing right. I have her a huge hug for everything and that ended my job. I guess I'm officially unemployed. My class ended too, I guess I'm losing most my identities and soon to just be known as, "inmate."

5 days til self surrender

The Future of this Blog

Just days from my self surrender and this blog has over 4,000 hits. I know some friends read the blog. I've heard both on the blog and privately from anonymous readers. I wonder who the general audience is. Do you accidentally come across this blog due to a google search? Did you learn about it on prisontalk.com? Were you intentionally looking for information about self-surrendering or FMC Carswell or a women's prison camp? I never changed the subtitle of the blog, because I was sentenced to a prison camp, but like so much in our lives, where we are actually designated is out of our control.

This blog and Dragonfly Hazel has helped me in many ways over the past 6 weeks getting prepared. I've had a place to share my thoughts, fears, experiences, and hopes with others. It keeps me grounded and gives me a responsibility I hold myself to. I believe I've only missed one day since I started this blog. Feedback inspires me to keep it going throughout prison and maybe even beyond.

It will not be maintained daily while I am incarcerated and. I will not be the one updating it. I plan to share insights and thoughts with Survivor, who will share them with you. I will try my best to tell my story from inside as I have from outside. All messages and communication is monitored, however, so I will be somewhat edited in voice and description. I apologize in advance. I will try to theme the pieces that are for this blog, like I usually do, so it won't all be a look at a daily life (although it may be an interesting post now and then).

If people have questions for me, please feel free to post them as comments. One of my friends who reads this blog will reach out to me, ask me, and get back to you (although it won't be overnight). Comments and/or questions can also be sent to dragonflyhazel@gmail.com.

Even though I won't be here to read it, please, let's not stop the conversation!

6 days til self surrender.

One Day at a Time

I'm sure that most people reading this are not in a twelve step program - especially given that this blog has had about 3,500 hits already since its conception just six weeks ago. I hope people find it helpful, interesting, informative, and even quirky at times. Anyway, this blog is going to talk about not just the saying, "one day at a time," but how I intend to use that concept to make it through each day in prison.

AA was the first 12-step program and I think almost every 12-step program after bases some of their principles on the lessons learned through AA and recovery. One of those concepts is one day at a time (ODAAT).

When someone walks into a recovery room for the first time their life is usually in pieces and everything needs fixing - family, employment, financials, house mortgage, friendships, legal issues hang over your head sometimes, etc. Every person's situation is unique, but almost everyone has some problems needing to be "fixed."

Once we stop our addictive behavior, we want everything to be fixed immediately. But we didn't cause all the problems in a day and we can't fix all the problems in a day either. Therefore, the way we talk about this in the G.A. program is to "be patient - don't try to solve all you're problems at once." Similarly, we can only live ODAAT and solve the problems of a day a a time. If we try to take on everything, we get overwhelmed with impossible expectations on ourselves and others.

Similarly ODAAT provides a way of getting through life in general. If things are bad in prison and we count the number of days in front of us, we will worry every day about a future that has not occurred yet. If we miss our family and only spend our time in regret or wallowing, we will only live with what we fail to have in the moment except to look around us and see, perhaps, opportunities that may help bring us closer to our family when we do see them again. When we live ODAAT, we are able to experience life not necessarily by our expectations, but by the ability to open our eyes wider to the moment and use all our senses and be open to change in ourselves and our life.

I used to live exclusively in the past and the future, almost never in the moment. Even the consequences of the moment couldn't affect me due to my addiction. I couldn't get past things that happened to me when I was young and I couldn't stop dreaming of the life "I wished" I could have. When I started to live my life ODAAT, my past and future were no longer my focal points and I was able to actually work on myself for the first time in my life.

So, living life one day at a time does not mean you do nothing for the future. We must do today what we can to ensure our future. I must go to work today, but today I am not worrying about tomorrow being my last day at my job. That's my day tomorrow. I must take my classes to get my phd. I can't worry about what institutions will hire me with a felony, that is about 3-4 years down the road. I must finish this blog post. I can't worry how many blog posts Survivor will do for me while I am in prison, it is out of my control and in the future.

I live my life one day at a time. If the commissary doesn't have shorts, I will survive. If I am not able to stomach a meal, I will survive. If my roommates snore, I will survive. If I don't get a lot of mail after a while, I will survive. If I run out of money, I will survive. If I have no visitors for a while, I will survive. If someone punches me, I will survive. If I am put in the SHU for my own protection, I will survive. If I'm not released on time, I will survive. I will survive each of these things because they will not all happen on the same day and I live ONE DAY AT A TIME!

More Reveals

I'm not sure I could've made myself busier this last week before incarceration. It wasn't necessarily intentional, yet I need to squeeze so much in. It also means a constant announcement of my taking a leave of absence, which may or may not include the reasons. I had three notable reveals today.

First, I've been working alongside a colleague on an independent study all summer that we presented to our supervising professor today. The professor seemed interested in taking our work further - publications, conferences, classes. I revealed my leave for personal reasons and she asked no questions (very professional). It was agreed we would all pick it back up next summer. Something to come back to!

Second, today was my final pre-prison doctor appointment. It was with my Rhumatologist (who really guides most of my medication). My doctor's role is to be my advocate, so I made it clear that I really wanted to talk to her directly and not just a P.A. or assistant and I didn't want any of the young note takers in the room.  I was accommodated. I explained the circumstances of why I am going to prison and why they are putting me in FMC Carswell. I talked specifically about the need to have her notes specify my necessary medications, what medications have not worked, and why I'm on the meds I am on. Finally, they listed my necessary accommodations- bottom bunk because I have horrible stiffness in morning and a top bunk would be dangerous; soft shoe exception because of my lower extremity swelling and Achilles issues; standing limitation of 10 minutes; walking limitation of 2 blocks;... I also have my necessary blood tests and frequency marked as well as the fact that I'm immuno-compromised. It's important this all come from the docs and advocates. I can't be my own advocate if I don't want to be seen as a troublemaker, but I will make sure I don't regress in my health condition best I can.

Finally, I ended the day at an orientation. I am working all week as an educator for new teaching assistants at my university. The head of the program is an assistant dean I highly regard at my institution. As we were leaving for the night, I intended to just inform her that I am taking leave for personal reasons. Well, it turns out, the gossip group I've blogged about earlier has spread to faculty and administrators and she was on the receiving end this weekend. However, she was not judgmental. She was concerned for my well-being and impressed that I selected to still participate in the program this week. I explained that I wanted my last week to be doing what I love and she was glad to have me. I'm at a major institution of higher education and while I know I will not always get support from everyone, the fact that so many key professors and even administrators support me is giving me so much hope for a future that allows me to finish my PhD and follow my dreams - even if people know my past.

We can live in fear of our past and of revealing our truth, but then we never will know who our true friends really are and we won't have the advocates we need when or if we need them. Stop wearing shame and instead wear responsibility. Stop wearing blame and instead wear acceptance.

The Last Week

What am I doing specifically in this last week to prepare to self surrender? So many things, but I am happy to highlight a couple of them:

- Instead of waking up to my cell phone alarm, I'm waking to my watch alarm so I can get used to it. I've also set it for the same time I'll be needing to wake at Carswell. I have tough mornings and need to acclimate myself.

- I'm also trying to get used to sleeping with one pillow, as I've been a two pillow gal a long time.

- I sent several of my favorite digital pictures to Walgreens to print. Not a ton, but a handful that I am mailing to myself just before my self-surrender. I'm hoping my friends will find fun pics with me in with them that they may send me, but I wanted some home memories to start with.

- I made a pile of my college transcripts to date to carry with me into the prison. I'm also still getting the remainder of my medical records together.

- I made sure my friend Sporty knows what clothes to send me for my release clothing.

- I gave my important passwords to my surrogates for when I'm gone. If you can't trust the person, don't make them a coach/surrogate for you!

- I figured out all the bills I could, my budget, my general commissary monthly need, and set up arrangements. No guarantees that everything will be perfect, but that's part of the consequences. Worst thing I could do is take no responsibility and put it all on someone else.

- I'm going to send out a reminder of my mailing address, the way the email system works, and that those who are emailing with me should check their spam mail in the two or so weeks following my ss.

Goodbyes are getting harder, especially with the people I'm closest with. It's almost too hard to get emotional at all, so I just say, "see ya." I'll be talking with them by phone anyway before I go. It's hard to believe that literally, as a new school year is beginning, I too am on a new path of learning. 

As a child I was a very lonely and hurt kid and I used to wish my parents WOULD send me off to military school. I figured I would be safer and better loved there, even with the hard discipline and rules. I may be a rarity of a kid to want to leave home that bad. I guess in some ways, that wish is coming true a little too late in life at a time when I do not need to leave my current life to feel safe or loved. It's very important, though, to remember that for most of us it is only temporary. All these preparations are only to give us the love and security we need to bring with us in an unknown, but it will not be forever for most of us. We will be coming home. Then I'll be able to write about life after I finally got my childhood wish...

Lower Cost on Prison Calls

The cost of long distance calls from 

prison is extremely high. I was planning 

on about $0.34 per minute. Good news came out of the FCC in just the last 48 

hours that they are putting a cap on the 

cost - below is their press release:

FCC BARS HIGH RATES FOR LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS IN JAILS AND PRISONS NATIONWIDE

Reforms Bring Relief to Millions of Families By Reducing the Cost of Interstate Long-Distance Calls

Washington, D.C. – The Federal Communications Commissiontoday took long-overdue steps to ensure that the rates for interstatelong-distance calls made by prison inmates are just, reasonable and fair.

Studies make clear that inmates who maintain contact with family and community while in prison have reduced rate of recidivism and are more likely to become productive citizens upon their release. Lower rates of recidivism also benefit society by reducing crime, the need for additional prisons, and other costs.  

In addition, an estimated 2.7 million children would benefit from increased communication with an incarcerated parent. Many of these children face challenges that are manifested in higher rates of truancy, homelessness, depression and other ills

But the exorbitant price of interstate long-distance calls from correctional facilities today actually discourages such communication because it is too expensive (over $17 for one 15-minute call), particularly for families facing economic hardship. The Order takes immediate action to change this and provide an affordable means to encourage such communication.

The Commission’s reforms adopt a simple and balanced approach that protects security and public safety needs, ensures providers receive fair compensation while providing reasonable rates to consumers as follows:

Requires that all interstate inmate calling rates, including ancillary charges, be based on the cost of providing the inmate calling service

Provides immediate relief to exorbitant rates:

Adopts an interim rate cap of $0.21 per minute for debit and pre-paid calls and $0.25 per minute for collect calls, dramatically decreasing rates of over $17 for a 15-minute call to no more than $3.75 or $3.15 a call  

Presumes that rates of $0.12 per minute for debit and prepaid calls ($1.80 for a 15-minute call) and $0.14 cents per minute for collect calls ($2.10 for a 15-minute call)    are just, reasonable and cost-based (safe-harbor rates)

These rates include the costs of modern security features such as advanced mechanisms that block calls to victims, witnesses, prosecutors and other prohibited parties; biometric caller verification; real-time recording systems; and monitoring to prevent evasion of restrictions on call-forwarding or three-way calling

Concludes that “site commissions” payments from providers to correctional facilities may not be included in any interstate rate or charge

Clarifies that inmates or their loved ones who use Telecommunications Relay Services because of hearing and speech disabilities may not be charged higher rates

Requires a mandatory data collection, annual certification requirement, and enforcement provisions to ensure compliance with this Order

Seeks comment on reforming rates and practices affecting calls within   a state

Seeks comment on fostering competition to reduce rates 

Building on state reforms, the Commission’s action addresses a petition filed nearly a decade ago by Martha Wright, a Washington, D.C. grandmother who sought relief from exorbitant inmate calling rates.  Since then, tens of thousands have urged the FCC to make it possible for them to stay in touch with loved ones in jail.

Action by the Commission August 9, 2013, by Report and Order and Further Notice of Proposed Rulemaking (FCC 13-113).  Acting Chairwoman Clyburn and Commissioner Rosenworcel with Commissioner Pai dissenting.  Acting Chairwoman Clyburn, Commissioners Rosenworcel and Pai issuing statements.

-FCC-

 

News about the Federal Communications Commission can also be found on the Commission’s web site www.fcc.gov.