I have several friends that want to visit me - including Sporty and Survival. Both required the paperwork going to the Warden for approval based on something in their past. I was SOOOOO worried that they would not be approved. Yesterday, I learned both were approved! It took about 3 weeks for their approval (whereas my family was approved within days of their form arriving). Therefore, do not be surprised when some approvals take time, it does not mean they will not be approved! Now, I get to know that Sporty will be flying down and visiting me this weekend - all weekend. Yeah!
We have had a change in guards this week, which has a lot of people in an uproar. The way it works, is that every 3 months, the C.O.'s are assigned to new units. Our new day officer is a female C.O. who has quite the reputation of being a "hard ass." The problem in most inmates eyes seems to be that she follows the rules!! In fact, she expects inmates to do exactly what is in our A&O book. Consequences are severe if we fail.
I have no problem with how this C.O. wants to run the unit. Of course, I don't fail the rules. People have been getting their lockers searched if their rooms are not inspection-ready by 8am. Anything they are not allowed to have, is confiscated. Our craft project permits have to be in order. We have to be in our rooms 30 minutes before count. We cannot use the restrooms while they are being cleaned. We must use the cosmetology department for haircare. If we use a chair, we must put it back where they are stored under the stairs when we are finished. We cannot hang around the front door waiting for the "chow" call, we must be in the open area. We cannot use the irons if it is not our wash day/time. We can't have anyone else do our wash. We cannot go in anyone else's room. We can't scream between the 1st floor and the 2nd floor to get someone's attention. We cannot hog the televisions - if it is not our "time" that we signed up for, we must give the control of the remote to the person who did. We must share and clean the microwave (or it will disappear). There are lots more rules. But, for the most part, I think they are very reasonable! Too bad they can't force people to be kind to one another!!
There are some people in here who spend all their time thinking about life after prison. I have not been doing that. My program has taught me that "one day at a time" is the only way to live and not worry all the time. I must say that it is working. Each morning, I wake up and face my day. At the end of the night, I almost always say out loud, "another day done." Today is my 37th day at Carswell. Each day is unique and requires 100% of my energy. There are people I have met that are kind. I have been teaching myself crochet (with the help of other inmates). I may try and make a scarf (easiest first project), but I'll have to mail it out to someone (we can't keep our craft projects, generally). Survivor sent me a fancy crochet book, that I received yesterday, so now I can learn more than the single stitch. About 5 inmates immediately asked to borrow the book.
I've also been reading A LOT. I read, "Room" in one day. I am just about done with "A Dog's Journey" and know that someone will send me the next book in the 2-book series (hint, hint). When I don't have new books sent, I venture into the library and start something old that I never read. It helps the time go by. I'm also watching television, now that I am housed on the television floor (1st floor). Last night I watched "The Voice." It is the first show, since I've arrived, that everyone seems to laugh together with. Usually our televisions are divided into factions of people - a lot by race. When "The Voice" is on, people from all different backgrounds are watching. I love that!
It's almost time to get to education. I need to borrow some toilet paper off someone because I forgot to keep some on me and we have to carry our own for all restrooms.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
From Dragonfly: New Morning Routine
Now that I am working in education every weekday, I have a new morning routine. I awake around 5:50am. I am usually awake even earlier, but I stay in bed, stretching my muscles and joints. I have to be VERY careful doing so, as my bunk mate above me screams if I jiggle the bed. It's hard to do my stretching and not jiggle a little bit. There is no where else in the unit I could do it, and with my morning stiffness, just getting out of bed takes stretching.
Once I am up, I gather my uniform and head to the restroom. I was trying to dress in my room, but my roommates, again, complained that I was waking them, so I compromised and bring it all to the restroom stalls. I shower at night, so my hair looks like a nightmare in the morning. I always wet it down in the sink and do what I can. My hair has been growing wildly. The humidity of Texas is making it even curlier than it was before I was imprisoned, and there is little I can do but hope it doesn't stick out everywhere. I am letting it grow while I am in here, because I would prefer all my hair to be shoulder length when I leave. So, everyday is a bad hair day!
I take all my morning pills, once again frustrating my roommates (I'm not sure how I am not to make any noise in a 70 sq. ft. room. One roommate never complains. She understands that I have a job and must get ready. The other two do not work and just lounge around most of the day. Well, one has a job - cleaning showers 2x/day, but total time doing it is around 2 hours/day. After pills, I grab a plastic chair (we have all our community chairs stacked under a staircase and if we want one, we need to carry it ourself to one of the community area, after, we must return it under the staircase), and I go watch the news for a couple minutes. Once Freckles is ready as well, we go to breakfast - sometimes with others, sometimes just ourselves. It's nice having Freckles have the same schedule as me. And, she gets ready in her room, along with another of her roommates, and no one complains!!!
We only go to breakfast on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Banana days are just too crowded and we will not get to work on time. Breakfast usually consists of a wheat bagel (not toasted) and a morning cereal of all-bran, grits, or oatmeal. Each day is one of those options. I do not enjoy any of the three. I usually get dry toast as an alternative unless they happen to have small pieces of breakfast cake or muffins (rare). I always grab two packages of the skim milk packets as well - it is the only real dairy I receive and I am always craving it. It may not be the best breakfast, but at least I can teach for three hours without feeling hungry. On Wednesdays and Fridays, Freckles and I are starting to eat cinnamon rice cakes with peanut butter and strawberry jam in our unit (all available in commissary). I never realized how much I could enjoy a rice cake, until I put pb&j on it!! I purchased a couple cans of V-8 juice, which we share.
If I get out of breakfast before 7:15am, I make my way to the email lab (because now that I work, access to email is a lot harder). I don't always have time to fully respond to anyone's messages, but just reading things from my friends makes me very happy. If something is important, I (of course) respond. Sometimes, though, based on time, I can't respond until much later in the day or the next day.
By 7:30am, I am walking into the education department. I have to check in with one of the teachers, so they know I am there. So far, only twice, has my teacher been in. She is ill and needs a lot of time off from work. On days she is not in, I teach the entire day and love it! On the two days (so far) she was in, I just spend my time grading and am silent at my work desk (not so much fun). My teacher cannot remember my name, ever, so if she wants me, she screams, "Hey!" and/or snaps her fingers. I feel a bit like she thinks I'm a dog. I definitely prefer the days where I am the teacher! I think she is going to retire in a couple weeks (when she turns 50). She's mentioned it and I am hoping she does whatever is best for her. However, I do hope she will start to treat me with even a little respect. Oh, and she tells entirely inappropriate stories to the students, gets off track, and fails to actually get the students to the day's lessons, sometimes. My thoughts about how we teach adult students are constantly filled. Here, though, I am not a scholar. I am just an inmate.
My students treat me with great respect, though. They always say, "hi," to me and smile. They appreciate my help as they work toward their GED. When the teacher is in the classroom, they look at me with sad eyes. I always say things like, "today, please respect our Teacher," so they know I will not engage in any conversations against her. The students are working hard and two of them are testing this week for their GED, and based on practice tests, they should pass! Hard work pays off!
I stay in my classroom from 7:30am-11:30am. I no longer have to go back to my unit at RECALL at 10:30 due to my job. 10:30-11:30 is the most time I have to grade papers (so I take them back to the unit sometimes with me at night). I get to eat lunch with the education tutors always at 11:30. We do not need to wait in the long line with our unit. This ensures we can be back at work by 12:30pm, so start our afternoon shift.
On Mondays and Fridays, I receive my enbryl shot at 10:30am. The clinic was good to work with me and stop me having to come at 7:45 am (which caused me to be locked in the clinic until the next open move at 8:45 am). Working has certainly added some worth to my stay, as well as a way to be busy half the day. I am SO glad I chose to seek out this employment!!
Once I am up, I gather my uniform and head to the restroom. I was trying to dress in my room, but my roommates, again, complained that I was waking them, so I compromised and bring it all to the restroom stalls. I shower at night, so my hair looks like a nightmare in the morning. I always wet it down in the sink and do what I can. My hair has been growing wildly. The humidity of Texas is making it even curlier than it was before I was imprisoned, and there is little I can do but hope it doesn't stick out everywhere. I am letting it grow while I am in here, because I would prefer all my hair to be shoulder length when I leave. So, everyday is a bad hair day!
I take all my morning pills, once again frustrating my roommates (I'm not sure how I am not to make any noise in a 70 sq. ft. room. One roommate never complains. She understands that I have a job and must get ready. The other two do not work and just lounge around most of the day. Well, one has a job - cleaning showers 2x/day, but total time doing it is around 2 hours/day. After pills, I grab a plastic chair (we have all our community chairs stacked under a staircase and if we want one, we need to carry it ourself to one of the community area, after, we must return it under the staircase), and I go watch the news for a couple minutes. Once Freckles is ready as well, we go to breakfast - sometimes with others, sometimes just ourselves. It's nice having Freckles have the same schedule as me. And, she gets ready in her room, along with another of her roommates, and no one complains!!!
We only go to breakfast on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Banana days are just too crowded and we will not get to work on time. Breakfast usually consists of a wheat bagel (not toasted) and a morning cereal of all-bran, grits, or oatmeal. Each day is one of those options. I do not enjoy any of the three. I usually get dry toast as an alternative unless they happen to have small pieces of breakfast cake or muffins (rare). I always grab two packages of the skim milk packets as well - it is the only real dairy I receive and I am always craving it. It may not be the best breakfast, but at least I can teach for three hours without feeling hungry. On Wednesdays and Fridays, Freckles and I are starting to eat cinnamon rice cakes with peanut butter and strawberry jam in our unit (all available in commissary). I never realized how much I could enjoy a rice cake, until I put pb&j on it!! I purchased a couple cans of V-8 juice, which we share.
If I get out of breakfast before 7:15am, I make my way to the email lab (because now that I work, access to email is a lot harder). I don't always have time to fully respond to anyone's messages, but just reading things from my friends makes me very happy. If something is important, I (of course) respond. Sometimes, though, based on time, I can't respond until much later in the day or the next day.
By 7:30am, I am walking into the education department. I have to check in with one of the teachers, so they know I am there. So far, only twice, has my teacher been in. She is ill and needs a lot of time off from work. On days she is not in, I teach the entire day and love it! On the two days (so far) she was in, I just spend my time grading and am silent at my work desk (not so much fun). My teacher cannot remember my name, ever, so if she wants me, she screams, "Hey!" and/or snaps her fingers. I feel a bit like she thinks I'm a dog. I definitely prefer the days where I am the teacher! I think she is going to retire in a couple weeks (when she turns 50). She's mentioned it and I am hoping she does whatever is best for her. However, I do hope she will start to treat me with even a little respect. Oh, and she tells entirely inappropriate stories to the students, gets off track, and fails to actually get the students to the day's lessons, sometimes. My thoughts about how we teach adult students are constantly filled. Here, though, I am not a scholar. I am just an inmate.
My students treat me with great respect, though. They always say, "hi," to me and smile. They appreciate my help as they work toward their GED. When the teacher is in the classroom, they look at me with sad eyes. I always say things like, "today, please respect our Teacher," so they know I will not engage in any conversations against her. The students are working hard and two of them are testing this week for their GED, and based on practice tests, they should pass! Hard work pays off!
I stay in my classroom from 7:30am-11:30am. I no longer have to go back to my unit at RECALL at 10:30 due to my job. 10:30-11:30 is the most time I have to grade papers (so I take them back to the unit sometimes with me at night). I get to eat lunch with the education tutors always at 11:30. We do not need to wait in the long line with our unit. This ensures we can be back at work by 12:30pm, so start our afternoon shift.
On Mondays and Fridays, I receive my enbryl shot at 10:30am. The clinic was good to work with me and stop me having to come at 7:45 am (which caused me to be locked in the clinic until the next open move at 8:45 am). Working has certainly added some worth to my stay, as well as a way to be busy half the day. I am SO glad I chose to seek out this employment!!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
From Dragonfly: Showers
This week, for the first time since my arrival, we had real rain showers. Many people ran through the rain to get to whatever building they needed. Me, I can't run, so, I walked and was soaked by the time I was at my classroom. We needed the rain - everything was looking very brown outside. The weather was in the 90's and so humid. The rain cooled things off. Most inmates can be seen wearing their sweatpants and/or sweatshirts this weekend. At least in the morning. Then, the sun comes out and it warms up to a good 80-something degrees. Much more reasonable. We are inside so much, however, that the inmates that went out to enjoy the cooler temps yesterday, all got back to the unit sunburned. We all need the natural Vitamin D, though. I didn't have any time outside, due to my visit with SIL, so, at least I am not sunburned!
I figured this was a perfect opening for describing our "other" showers... the ones in the bathrooms. I am pleased to share that all our showers have doors (and most of them lock). Some of the showers are better than others... as they have a hook on the door and do not flood. Newbies (such as myself when I first arrived) will see an available shower, go in, and suddenly be standing in a puddle of water not going down the drain. We learn quickly - that is a bad shower. I try to warn the newest newbies to not use shower #_ or shower #_... Why should everyone have to learn the hard way?
Our toilets are also all behind doors that lock. I am so grateful for the shower and toilet privacy! Also, our cleaning staff are inmates in the unit. They clean our bathrooms/showers several times every day. I wouldn't use a shower without my shower shoes on, but I am not afraid to touch anything. They are clean.
A weird feature of the showers is the height of most of the water spouts. They are about 5' 5" high... I can get under it fine (I'm short), but to do my hair, I'm practically on top of the water handle. For taller women, they need to bend down for their face/hair. I'm not exactly sure of the reason for these low shower heads - which cannot be adjusted - but it certainly may limit the amount of time people are in the shower. I do love that there seems to be unlimited hot water.
Bathrooms are the one place we can be alone behind a door. Now, I only go to such places to do my bathing/bathroom purposes, but at least when I am doing them, I am not concerned about who is looking in or even paying attention to conversations on the other side of my door. I get moments of peace. I never appreciated showers more!
I figured this was a perfect opening for describing our "other" showers... the ones in the bathrooms. I am pleased to share that all our showers have doors (and most of them lock). Some of the showers are better than others... as they have a hook on the door and do not flood. Newbies (such as myself when I first arrived) will see an available shower, go in, and suddenly be standing in a puddle of water not going down the drain. We learn quickly - that is a bad shower. I try to warn the newest newbies to not use shower #_ or shower #_... Why should everyone have to learn the hard way?
Our toilets are also all behind doors that lock. I am so grateful for the shower and toilet privacy! Also, our cleaning staff are inmates in the unit. They clean our bathrooms/showers several times every day. I wouldn't use a shower without my shower shoes on, but I am not afraid to touch anything. They are clean.
A weird feature of the showers is the height of most of the water spouts. They are about 5' 5" high... I can get under it fine (I'm short), but to do my hair, I'm practically on top of the water handle. For taller women, they need to bend down for their face/hair. I'm not exactly sure of the reason for these low shower heads - which cannot be adjusted - but it certainly may limit the amount of time people are in the shower. I do love that there seems to be unlimited hot water.
Bathrooms are the one place we can be alone behind a door. Now, I only go to such places to do my bathing/bathroom purposes, but at least when I am doing them, I am not concerned about who is looking in or even paying attention to conversations on the other side of my door. I get moments of peace. I never appreciated showers more!
From Dragonfly: Squat and Spread 'Em
A room about 10'x10' with a small wall dividing part of it down the middle. Four inmates and one officer. Strip, squat and spread your cheeks (the lower cheeks). That is a strip search here post-visitation. My prior strip search had just an officer in the room. Today, three other inmates could see me naked, squatting, and spreading. I could see them, too. I kept my eyes on the back wall - didn't look anywhere by at the wall. I didn't want to see anyone else. I imagine no one else wanted to see me, either. What a job the C.O.'s have that they have to look at hundreds of naked butts.
The strip search was well worth it, though! I had my first visitor - my sister-in-law (SIL). SIL is the same sister-in-law that I talked about in a much earlier post. I can't remember if I gave her a pseudonym, but for now on she's SIL. She's wonderful, loving, supportive, intelligent, and interesting. She made me laugh, listened to my stories, shared her stories, and purchased me food from the vending machines. I was not super hungry - so I ate a bag of sour cream and cheddar ruffles and drank a can of orange soda. Neither can I get in here. It was great. Next time, I told her I'm trying the pizza. Ha.
I know that she had to wait a bit to come in, but I don't know how long. It did not seem to be a full house today at visitation. Maybe 40 people had visitors today. Sad, since there are over 1,600 inmates! Maybe Saturdays are not as busy as Sundays. I don't know. Most facilities have Friday and Monday visitations as well, but not here. We can have visitors from 7-3 Saturdays and Sundays only. Actually, our visitors are escorted out at 2:45pm. SIL seemed to take in the entire experience well. I think it will freak out my parents a bit if they visit, but who knows.
Interestingly, I realized that another inmate at visitation is a woman I'd read a lot about prior to getting here. She's like the "poster child" of women's prisons (that is what she called herself while we were waiting to exit). She was an attorney that refused to cooperate with the authorities about her client who was accused of being a terrorist. She held her atty-client privilege and they locked her up. She is in end-stage cancer and has months (if that) left of her life. I guess she applied for compassionate release. Her application is with D.C. right now. So many interesting stories here. I am glad her family is able to come here and spend weekends with her.
Many of my fellow inmates tell me that they asked that no one visit while they are here. They think it would be hard to say, "goodbye," and would make them even more homesick. After having my visit today, I need to disagree with this statement. I know it is hard to see people we miss, but they need the visitations as much as we do. We need to remember that our families go through the reality of our incarceration at the same time we do. For example, I talked with T.S. this morning. She is doing alright starting college, but the adjustment and expected level of studying is difficult and she really misses having me there to talk with. I miss her everyday, but I do not have the ability to talk with her everyday. So, I just try to make our conversations count. I can't wait for her to visit me in December, when she is on break, though. Then, for hours, we can talk. I can be the parent-figure I've been to her for years. I can't wait to get home and be available all the time, but our families just want us around, period. Visits make that possible.
Sporty has been trying to visit for several weeks. She must fly here. However, her visitation form has not been approved yet. In fact, just SIL's form is approved so far. It can be quite the wait to have visitation forms approved. I highly recommend NOT making any travel arrangements until visitation approval is already received. It has been over 3 weeks for several of my friends/family so far. I think anyone listed on the PSR as family can have nearly automatic approval. Others may take time. SIL is on my PSR as family and that may be why her approval came so quickly. I am certainly glad it did. For 2 1/2 hours today, we were just the sisters we are and I was not just an inmate. Nothing can be better while incarcerated!
The strip search was well worth it, though! I had my first visitor - my sister-in-law (SIL). SIL is the same sister-in-law that I talked about in a much earlier post. I can't remember if I gave her a pseudonym, but for now on she's SIL. She's wonderful, loving, supportive, intelligent, and interesting. She made me laugh, listened to my stories, shared her stories, and purchased me food from the vending machines. I was not super hungry - so I ate a bag of sour cream and cheddar ruffles and drank a can of orange soda. Neither can I get in here. It was great. Next time, I told her I'm trying the pizza. Ha.
I know that she had to wait a bit to come in, but I don't know how long. It did not seem to be a full house today at visitation. Maybe 40 people had visitors today. Sad, since there are over 1,600 inmates! Maybe Saturdays are not as busy as Sundays. I don't know. Most facilities have Friday and Monday visitations as well, but not here. We can have visitors from 7-3 Saturdays and Sundays only. Actually, our visitors are escorted out at 2:45pm. SIL seemed to take in the entire experience well. I think it will freak out my parents a bit if they visit, but who knows.
Interestingly, I realized that another inmate at visitation is a woman I'd read a lot about prior to getting here. She's like the "poster child" of women's prisons (that is what she called herself while we were waiting to exit). She was an attorney that refused to cooperate with the authorities about her client who was accused of being a terrorist. She held her atty-client privilege and they locked her up. She is in end-stage cancer and has months (if that) left of her life. I guess she applied for compassionate release. Her application is with D.C. right now. So many interesting stories here. I am glad her family is able to come here and spend weekends with her.
Many of my fellow inmates tell me that they asked that no one visit while they are here. They think it would be hard to say, "goodbye," and would make them even more homesick. After having my visit today, I need to disagree with this statement. I know it is hard to see people we miss, but they need the visitations as much as we do. We need to remember that our families go through the reality of our incarceration at the same time we do. For example, I talked with T.S. this morning. She is doing alright starting college, but the adjustment and expected level of studying is difficult and she really misses having me there to talk with. I miss her everyday, but I do not have the ability to talk with her everyday. So, I just try to make our conversations count. I can't wait for her to visit me in December, when she is on break, though. Then, for hours, we can talk. I can be the parent-figure I've been to her for years. I can't wait to get home and be available all the time, but our families just want us around, period. Visits make that possible.
Sporty has been trying to visit for several weeks. She must fly here. However, her visitation form has not been approved yet. In fact, just SIL's form is approved so far. It can be quite the wait to have visitation forms approved. I highly recommend NOT making any travel arrangements until visitation approval is already received. It has been over 3 weeks for several of my friends/family so far. I think anyone listed on the PSR as family can have nearly automatic approval. Others may take time. SIL is on my PSR as family and that may be why her approval came so quickly. I am certainly glad it did. For 2 1/2 hours today, we were just the sisters we are and I was not just an inmate. Nothing can be better while incarcerated!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
From Dragonfly: Creative Projects
I mentioned in an earlier post about things we can do to keep ourselves occupied. One of those items are creative projects. The most popular projects I see are crocheting blankets, locker organizers, and pillow cases. I have never held a crochet hook in my life, but yesterday someone gave me a plastic hook. My goal is to learn a basic stitch, so that I can make myself a locker organizer. I am leaning on others for the bed blanket right now.
Locker organizers are made of plastic needle point backing that is cut and stitched in different ways to make pockets for items - such as pens, medication, notes, brush, etc. Every locker organizer looks different. At the top of the organizer a crocheted hanger is made to go around the top of the locker (holding it in place). The locker closes with the organizer placed inside the locker so everything is locked up safe.
In order to have any of these items, we have to fill out a project form at indoor rec. It is a simple form, but if you have a blanket or a locker organizer or a crocheted stuffed animal, etc and do not get the permit, they can be confiscated. It's so interesting to see what projects people make. I especially love the crocheted stuffed animals. Inmates send them home to their kids.
Another popular project is paining mugs/jugs. The true artists among us (not me) do this. We see mugs with Hello Kitty, Winnie the Pooh, Betty Boop, realistic self portraits, and much more painted on mugs and jugs. The jugs are HUGE and hold like 64oz of liquid. It's amazing the creativity some inmates have in making their beds and, even, their mugs look personal and special.
I have a water bottle that has my name on it written in bubble paint. That is the extent of my creativity SO FAR. However, I intend to leave here with the full bed set and locker organizers and I intend for at least most of it being done by yours truly. We will see how this turns out... I may have the holiest blanket on the unit!
Locker organizers are made of plastic needle point backing that is cut and stitched in different ways to make pockets for items - such as pens, medication, notes, brush, etc. Every locker organizer looks different. At the top of the organizer a crocheted hanger is made to go around the top of the locker (holding it in place). The locker closes with the organizer placed inside the locker so everything is locked up safe.
In order to have any of these items, we have to fill out a project form at indoor rec. It is a simple form, but if you have a blanket or a locker organizer or a crocheted stuffed animal, etc and do not get the permit, they can be confiscated. It's so interesting to see what projects people make. I especially love the crocheted stuffed animals. Inmates send them home to their kids.
Another popular project is paining mugs/jugs. The true artists among us (not me) do this. We see mugs with Hello Kitty, Winnie the Pooh, Betty Boop, realistic self portraits, and much more painted on mugs and jugs. The jugs are HUGE and hold like 64oz of liquid. It's amazing the creativity some inmates have in making their beds and, even, their mugs look personal and special.
I have a water bottle that has my name on it written in bubble paint. That is the extent of my creativity SO FAR. However, I intend to leave here with the full bed set and locker organizers and I intend for at least most of it being done by yours truly. We will see how this turns out... I may have the holiest blanket on the unit!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
From Dragonfly: A Night's Sleep
For some reason, whenever I receive bad news, I have a cycle. At first, I react emotionally. I do not tend to have a lot of anger, but I have a million emotions and thoughts going through my brain. I always reach out to others to discuss this and I also wrote here about all those thoughts.
Then, I go to sleep. I almost always wake up way too early after a bad news day, with stress and thoughts on my mind. This morning, I was awake by 4 a.m. Falling back asleep is useless, as my brain almost always has an answer, or at least a plan. Today, I woke up and knew my next steps.
I am going to respond to the letter I received yesterday. I am going to concentrate specifically on their charge of my not including a former employer on my resume for admission. I am going to point out that over the 8 year period of 2000-2008, I never worked just one job. In fact, I worked in non-profits as a consultant and/or employee with over 60 non-profits, including during the time I worked at the employment in question. I did not include all these jobs. Instead, I lumped them together and was honest in describing my work over that period of time. The work was not relevant to my application for admission, really just a side-note, as the relevant work I had done was put separately and individually on the resume. Had the job been listed on my resume, it would not have affected my admission. The non-profit in question was not well known beyond the community I lived in. What got me in to my program was my other work, in the academic community, and my personal statement. All of which was true. I will speak of the work on recovery I did over the 2 1/2 years prior to my admission and how that prepared me to undertake the role of a graduate student. I will highlight my successes since starting at my school, showing that I was ready and capable for study and work. These are the truth and respond directly to the allegations.
I will offer to send a copy of my PSR, since they are sitting on my indictment. I will also offer to send a copy of my more than 30 letters of support that was provided to the judge in my sentencing, to show who I am as a person today.
That will be my proper response. I will write several drafts. I will fight for my place and my goals.
Then, I go to sleep. I almost always wake up way too early after a bad news day, with stress and thoughts on my mind. This morning, I was awake by 4 a.m. Falling back asleep is useless, as my brain almost always has an answer, or at least a plan. Today, I woke up and knew my next steps.
I am going to respond to the letter I received yesterday. I am going to concentrate specifically on their charge of my not including a former employer on my resume for admission. I am going to point out that over the 8 year period of 2000-2008, I never worked just one job. In fact, I worked in non-profits as a consultant and/or employee with over 60 non-profits, including during the time I worked at the employment in question. I did not include all these jobs. Instead, I lumped them together and was honest in describing my work over that period of time. The work was not relevant to my application for admission, really just a side-note, as the relevant work I had done was put separately and individually on the resume. Had the job been listed on my resume, it would not have affected my admission. The non-profit in question was not well known beyond the community I lived in. What got me in to my program was my other work, in the academic community, and my personal statement. All of which was true. I will speak of the work on recovery I did over the 2 1/2 years prior to my admission and how that prepared me to undertake the role of a graduate student. I will highlight my successes since starting at my school, showing that I was ready and capable for study and work. These are the truth and respond directly to the allegations.
I will offer to send a copy of my PSR, since they are sitting on my indictment. I will also offer to send a copy of my more than 30 letters of support that was provided to the judge in my sentencing, to show who I am as a person today.
That will be my proper response. I will write several drafts. I will fight for my place and my goals.
From Dragonfly: A Little Hope(less)
I always try to be positive, but am unable to do so at the moment. Not that some okay things haven't happened since I last wrote. I was called into the Education Department on Monday morning and told that I would be taking over as Head Tutor that moment in a classroom with that educator who told me off last week. She didn't know about my hire until today (because she is out sick quite a bit). So, I love having the job and working with the students, but there is stress with her anger at the fact that her last tutors were fired and I was hired in their place without her say. She has lost her say in hiring decisions, but this puts me at a very high level of expectations. My issues are not with my new job, however.
Have you ever been in that position where you think you know your path and that you think you are doing the right next thing, but, somehow, life throws you for a loop and you are lost? That's me at this moment. I'm not as lost as I was in 2008, when losing everything put me on the brink of killing myself and I had a deep belief that I was "broken." I'm not there, because my recovery and therapy from addiction helped me come to terms with what "broke" me and how to be okay with who I am (including my prior bad acts I did while under the reality of addiction). I am a constant work in progress and believe that every new day is a chance to learn something new and be just a little bit better. Hard to do in prison, but I try, nonetheless.
My favorite time of the day is always "mail call." I did not receive much today - except for a letter. A letter from my University. A letter from the Dean of my Graduate School. All those things that were told to me just two months ago, about my support and that I had a home at my school. It's all crashing down. That leak in my friends who decided to break my trust and send my indictment to others. The others who bullied me and kept the indictment moving forward. The advisor who was my biggest advocate, who decided could not support me anymore. All of it based on an indictment that speaks of one sides case and so much was not even in my plea. Now, my University is questioning whether my admission will be rescinded. I have until October 12th (or earlier because mail from here takes time) to respond to the allegations that I should not be a student at my school because I did not share this prior employment on my resume. I know that you do not have to share every job ever worked on your resume, as long as the resume speaks the truth. My resume does. It also doesn't include the day I worked at a cell phone graveyard (long story), the six months I served as a paralegal (not relevant to anything), etc. Everything on my application resume was true, but I left off the position that I was terminated from. It was an old position by the time I applied to my school. I had three jobs that were more recent and relevant (whereas my prior job was not relevant) to the field of study I was applying to. I can fight these accusations, but then I question, "why?" I mean I LOVE school and I LOVE what I do and I am GOOD at it. But, I will only return to a school that does not want me there, a department that will not support me. I don't know how I would be able to put together a guidance committee, find a new advisor, or receive recommendations when I graduate.
At the same time, the right thing to do is fight. My crime occurred in 2008. I applied to my school in late 2010. I have not gambled since 2008. I have not done a bad act since that time either. I lost two careers - my legal career and my non-profit career - due to my crime. I turned to education. Education promises second chances for adults. There are programs for ex-offenders to get into higher education. Somehow, because my crime affects people emotionally (I hurt a community I love and that supported me greatly), they cannot see beyond the bad acts. These are people who have only known me in recovery. People who have seen me give back and help others. Who I am today seems to not matter.
I do not know how I am supposed to look forward to release when I am losing something I love and have committed myself to. If I do fight, I could win. What then? Do I change programs in my institution? Sporty and T.S. just moved to where my school is. T.S. is a student there and Sporty is getting a job there. She is setting up the home I will return to after I am released. I only live there because of school. School provides me inspiration, my job, my health insurance, everything. Should I really just be flipping burgers? Am I not worthy to be a professor because of my past? Am I not worthy of obtaining my PhD, even though I have a good gpa and have shown myself a good researcher and educator? Should my gifts be wasted because of my past?
It is times like right now that I wish I had my G.A. meetings. I wish I had the ability to surround myself by my incredible friends and community. I question my higher power. I don't question his existence, I question what I am supposed to do and why this is happening all over again. Most people in G.A. may lose everything once. For me, I'm losing it all again, even though I never placed another bet nor continued my prior bad acts. Is there a purpose for all of this? Am I supposed to fight? Am I supposed to just give in?
I don't think I should give in. I think, at the very least, I need to write back and speak my truth. I may include a copy of my pre-sentence report (which a friend will have to send to them because I have no access to any documents). At least in the PSR, it is two sided. It talks about all the work I've done on myself. It mentions that I have done everything a person could do to ensure they never commit another crime. Yet, the school is interested in why my resume did not include that one job. I have a defense for that. I find it unfair that I am having to fight this within the confines of prison, rather than their waiting for my release. So powerless, I feel.
I know, this is a rambling writing. I apologize. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out. I tried calling friends. None answered. I hadn't been able to get into email for a while (technical difficulties while installing thumbprint readers for security). I don't like that this is the first message I am writing. But, sometimes, I can't just show my observations. Life is about feeling the emotions of what is happening and going through it (in addiction I was all about avoidance). I cannot avoid the situations I am currently presented with. I must face them all - sometimes at the same time. It is hard. It is emotional. It is lonely. It causes sadness, anger, fear, and so much more. I must live this one day at a time. I must trust in the truth and maintain my HOPE, even when feeling hopeless. I know, I'm a contradiction. And, that's where I am today - a not so good day.
Have you ever been in that position where you think you know your path and that you think you are doing the right next thing, but, somehow, life throws you for a loop and you are lost? That's me at this moment. I'm not as lost as I was in 2008, when losing everything put me on the brink of killing myself and I had a deep belief that I was "broken." I'm not there, because my recovery and therapy from addiction helped me come to terms with what "broke" me and how to be okay with who I am (including my prior bad acts I did while under the reality of addiction). I am a constant work in progress and believe that every new day is a chance to learn something new and be just a little bit better. Hard to do in prison, but I try, nonetheless.
My favorite time of the day is always "mail call." I did not receive much today - except for a letter. A letter from my University. A letter from the Dean of my Graduate School. All those things that were told to me just two months ago, about my support and that I had a home at my school. It's all crashing down. That leak in my friends who decided to break my trust and send my indictment to others. The others who bullied me and kept the indictment moving forward. The advisor who was my biggest advocate, who decided could not support me anymore. All of it based on an indictment that speaks of one sides case and so much was not even in my plea. Now, my University is questioning whether my admission will be rescinded. I have until October 12th (or earlier because mail from here takes time) to respond to the allegations that I should not be a student at my school because I did not share this prior employment on my resume. I know that you do not have to share every job ever worked on your resume, as long as the resume speaks the truth. My resume does. It also doesn't include the day I worked at a cell phone graveyard (long story), the six months I served as a paralegal (not relevant to anything), etc. Everything on my application resume was true, but I left off the position that I was terminated from. It was an old position by the time I applied to my school. I had three jobs that were more recent and relevant (whereas my prior job was not relevant) to the field of study I was applying to. I can fight these accusations, but then I question, "why?" I mean I LOVE school and I LOVE what I do and I am GOOD at it. But, I will only return to a school that does not want me there, a department that will not support me. I don't know how I would be able to put together a guidance committee, find a new advisor, or receive recommendations when I graduate.
At the same time, the right thing to do is fight. My crime occurred in 2008. I applied to my school in late 2010. I have not gambled since 2008. I have not done a bad act since that time either. I lost two careers - my legal career and my non-profit career - due to my crime. I turned to education. Education promises second chances for adults. There are programs for ex-offenders to get into higher education. Somehow, because my crime affects people emotionally (I hurt a community I love and that supported me greatly), they cannot see beyond the bad acts. These are people who have only known me in recovery. People who have seen me give back and help others. Who I am today seems to not matter.
I do not know how I am supposed to look forward to release when I am losing something I love and have committed myself to. If I do fight, I could win. What then? Do I change programs in my institution? Sporty and T.S. just moved to where my school is. T.S. is a student there and Sporty is getting a job there. She is setting up the home I will return to after I am released. I only live there because of school. School provides me inspiration, my job, my health insurance, everything. Should I really just be flipping burgers? Am I not worthy to be a professor because of my past? Am I not worthy of obtaining my PhD, even though I have a good gpa and have shown myself a good researcher and educator? Should my gifts be wasted because of my past?
It is times like right now that I wish I had my G.A. meetings. I wish I had the ability to surround myself by my incredible friends and community. I question my higher power. I don't question his existence, I question what I am supposed to do and why this is happening all over again. Most people in G.A. may lose everything once. For me, I'm losing it all again, even though I never placed another bet nor continued my prior bad acts. Is there a purpose for all of this? Am I supposed to fight? Am I supposed to just give in?
I don't think I should give in. I think, at the very least, I need to write back and speak my truth. I may include a copy of my pre-sentence report (which a friend will have to send to them because I have no access to any documents). At least in the PSR, it is two sided. It talks about all the work I've done on myself. It mentions that I have done everything a person could do to ensure they never commit another crime. Yet, the school is interested in why my resume did not include that one job. I have a defense for that. I find it unfair that I am having to fight this within the confines of prison, rather than their waiting for my release. So powerless, I feel.
I know, this is a rambling writing. I apologize. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out. I tried calling friends. None answered. I hadn't been able to get into email for a while (technical difficulties while installing thumbprint readers for security). I don't like that this is the first message I am writing. But, sometimes, I can't just show my observations. Life is about feeling the emotions of what is happening and going through it (in addiction I was all about avoidance). I cannot avoid the situations I am currently presented with. I must face them all - sometimes at the same time. It is hard. It is emotional. It is lonely. It causes sadness, anger, fear, and so much more. I must live this one day at a time. I must trust in the truth and maintain my HOPE, even when feeling hopeless. I know, I'm a contradiction. And, that's where I am today - a not so good day.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
From Dragonfly: Entertainment Options
So, what do us inmates do when we are not working, standing in pill line, or in our rooms sleeping or awaiting count? Every facility is different, but here there are some options. First, there is indoor rec. At indoor rec, they have pool tables, games, work out equipment, aerobic and yoga type classes, craft classes, opportunities to order your own craft supplies, cd's to listen to, and some inmate programs (like weight loss). Most nights, the facility is packed with people playing cards, pool, and attending classes. I ordered some craft supplies from indoor rec and should receive the package in about 45-60 days from now. Nothing happens fast. I want to design my own cards to send out.
Another option is the outdoor rec center. There, inmates can borrow basketballs, softballs and mitts, outdoor yoga/stretching mats, walk the track, play on a softball league (I hear that there will be volleyball and soccer leagues as well), horse shoes, and more outdoor style items. The softball league is SUPER popular here, with games not only against different housing units and teams by inmates, but also an outside team comes once in a while and plays the all-star players. At big games, about half the inmates are either playing or watching. The heat and sun have kept me away (because my medication makes me very sensitive to the sun).
Third, there is this email room - TruLinks. TruLinks is a timed time on the messaging service. It is not really email, as nothing can be attached and every message is monitored ("hello" to whomever is monitoring this message). This is true for emails coming in or going out. However, each inmate can spend approximately 1 hour on TruLinks if they have funds (5 cents/min) and time.
Fourth, the compound yard is quite popular. There is an area with covered picnic style tables, tables that are not covered, and numerous benches. As long is it is not "inmate recall" or bad weather, the outdoor space is usually filled with women talking, laughing, brushing/braiding hair, avoiding bird droppings, checking out women walking by, fighting, and more. I only sit outside when I have to wait for the unit doors to be unlocked.
The libraries are another option. There is a room that has the law library (all computerized) and the regular library. We can check out up to 4 books at a time. Most of the titles are older, but they do receive newer titles now and then. We cannot donate the books we receive from the outside and finish reading, which is a bummer. The law library computers offer DOP policies and the U.S. code and decisions of the federal courts. They do not have state court/law information. That's difficult for some, as they have state charges pending and cannot conduct any research on their issues at times. Since we have access to cases, anyone here who ever appealed their case is free reign to read about, so people will know exactly their crimes and punishment. There is also a Chapel library. There are more books for check-out there - they all have some religious undertones and there is fiction and non-fiction available. None of the libraries are large, but an inmate would have a lot of reading options before running out of books to consider. Reading is my favorite activity that I do A LOT!!!
Religious Services also offers other options, in addition to the library. They have a lot of videos, dvd's, and cd's (all religiously based) for inmates to check-out and watch on one of several screen options. There are cubbies, where an inmate must wear headphones to hear their movie - meant for one watcher at a time. There are also two rooms that sometimes are available, where several people can sit together and watch a movie on a larger television with sound. I've watched one movie here so far. However, since it is the Jewish Holidays, I may check-out Yent'l (a favorite of mine) for a 2 hour break in my day. On some Sundays, Religious Services airs one of their movies in the chapel for inmates to watch. This institution does not offer regular "movie nights" like many other facilities do.
In the Unit, there are 6 televisions. Four require radios and headphones to hear and two are in smallish rooms with sound available. One room is only for sports/news. People "sign up" to be in charge of a television on some day at some time. I have not done so yet. However, a group of us wants to watch "Big Bang Theory," so we are hoping that one of us can get close enough in line to get a Thursday night television for a couple hours. Yesterday was the first time, ever, that I watched television in my unit. I watched a little bit of a cheesy Lifetime movie and then watched the Wisconsin/Arizona State football game with Freckles. I realized that I need to get my school football schedule to see when I may be able to watch the games on ESPN or ESPN2. It would be nice to have a little bit of home for a short while here. Maybe I'll see someone in the stands I know!
Other than the above options, a lot of people spend time napping, writing, doing their crafts (needle point, knitting, crocheting, card designing, and more). Others do things they should not (against the rules). I've seen people getting their haircut in the unit (it is only allowed in the cosmo school), doing tattoos in very unsafe ways (needle and ink), engaging in relationship activities, and more. Some people go in and out of the SHU quite a lot due to their need to go against the rules. In the SHU, you lose access to nearly all activities.
I'm sure I've missed some things on this listing, but it's what I could come up with this morning. Days that start before 6am are tough on my thinking! I miss sleeping in!!! However, when I am not sleeping, at least there are "some" options for me to be busy (even if I don't take advantage of every option). For me, I do a lot of low-key things and try to stay away from crowds or trouble. I figure it is my best option for getting out of here the quickest way possible.
Another option is the outdoor rec center. There, inmates can borrow basketballs, softballs and mitts, outdoor yoga/stretching mats, walk the track, play on a softball league (I hear that there will be volleyball and soccer leagues as well), horse shoes, and more outdoor style items. The softball league is SUPER popular here, with games not only against different housing units and teams by inmates, but also an outside team comes once in a while and plays the all-star players. At big games, about half the inmates are either playing or watching. The heat and sun have kept me away (because my medication makes me very sensitive to the sun).
Third, there is this email room - TruLinks. TruLinks is a timed time on the messaging service. It is not really email, as nothing can be attached and every message is monitored ("hello" to whomever is monitoring this message). This is true for emails coming in or going out. However, each inmate can spend approximately 1 hour on TruLinks if they have funds (5 cents/min) and time.
Fourth, the compound yard is quite popular. There is an area with covered picnic style tables, tables that are not covered, and numerous benches. As long is it is not "inmate recall" or bad weather, the outdoor space is usually filled with women talking, laughing, brushing/braiding hair, avoiding bird droppings, checking out women walking by, fighting, and more. I only sit outside when I have to wait for the unit doors to be unlocked.
The libraries are another option. There is a room that has the law library (all computerized) and the regular library. We can check out up to 4 books at a time. Most of the titles are older, but they do receive newer titles now and then. We cannot donate the books we receive from the outside and finish reading, which is a bummer. The law library computers offer DOP policies and the U.S. code and decisions of the federal courts. They do not have state court/law information. That's difficult for some, as they have state charges pending and cannot conduct any research on their issues at times. Since we have access to cases, anyone here who ever appealed their case is free reign to read about, so people will know exactly their crimes and punishment. There is also a Chapel library. There are more books for check-out there - they all have some religious undertones and there is fiction and non-fiction available. None of the libraries are large, but an inmate would have a lot of reading options before running out of books to consider. Reading is my favorite activity that I do A LOT!!!
Religious Services also offers other options, in addition to the library. They have a lot of videos, dvd's, and cd's (all religiously based) for inmates to check-out and watch on one of several screen options. There are cubbies, where an inmate must wear headphones to hear their movie - meant for one watcher at a time. There are also two rooms that sometimes are available, where several people can sit together and watch a movie on a larger television with sound. I've watched one movie here so far. However, since it is the Jewish Holidays, I may check-out Yent'l (a favorite of mine) for a 2 hour break in my day. On some Sundays, Religious Services airs one of their movies in the chapel for inmates to watch. This institution does not offer regular "movie nights" like many other facilities do.
In the Unit, there are 6 televisions. Four require radios and headphones to hear and two are in smallish rooms with sound available. One room is only for sports/news. People "sign up" to be in charge of a television on some day at some time. I have not done so yet. However, a group of us wants to watch "Big Bang Theory," so we are hoping that one of us can get close enough in line to get a Thursday night television for a couple hours. Yesterday was the first time, ever, that I watched television in my unit. I watched a little bit of a cheesy Lifetime movie and then watched the Wisconsin/Arizona State football game with Freckles. I realized that I need to get my school football schedule to see when I may be able to watch the games on ESPN or ESPN2. It would be nice to have a little bit of home for a short while here. Maybe I'll see someone in the stands I know!
Other than the above options, a lot of people spend time napping, writing, doing their crafts (needle point, knitting, crocheting, card designing, and more). Others do things they should not (against the rules). I've seen people getting their haircut in the unit (it is only allowed in the cosmo school), doing tattoos in very unsafe ways (needle and ink), engaging in relationship activities, and more. Some people go in and out of the SHU quite a lot due to their need to go against the rules. In the SHU, you lose access to nearly all activities.
I'm sure I've missed some things on this listing, but it's what I could come up with this morning. Days that start before 6am are tough on my thinking! I miss sleeping in!!! However, when I am not sleeping, at least there are "some" options for me to be busy (even if I don't take advantage of every option). For me, I do a lot of low-key things and try to stay away from crowds or trouble. I figure it is my best option for getting out of here the quickest way possible.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
From Dragonfly: New Room, Continued
I had to break in the last post. When an announcement is made saying, "Inmate Recall," it matters not what we are doing, we must all immediately go back to our units. Sometimes, we are told why, most of the time we are not. Sometimes it is because someone from super max has to be brought on the grounds for some reason (medical, trial, etc.). Other times, it is the staff needing a break from inmates to have a "going away" party for another staff member, or something like that. Sometimes it is just because we need to have a meeting. Regardless, "inmate recall" is important and failure to accommodate their request can result in time in the SHU.
So, my new room. I explained the dimensions already. I have three roommates, all who've been here a while. One, Bandana, has been here 12 years (since she was 19 years old) and has some major anger issues (which she immediately told me about). My lesson, do not touch her stuff or get on her bad side. Period. Another, Army (a 22 year Army vet), seems kind, and is either out with her friends or has her earphones on all the time. The one who is my bunky, Braids, is also out of the room most of the time. Thing is, manners don't really exist in prison, and in a space of 75 sq. ft., it is hard when people are rude to one another. Given the lessons I learned in my prior room, I'm keeping to myself and reading or writing. It is no guarantee, but this is likely my room for the rest of my time here. I am still doing meals and spending time with South and Danbury. I hope that continues.
I did not have any quality time with my roomies last night. I had "extra duty" (cleaning the unit) for 2 hours because I was talking with Chi and didn't notice it was 4pm and we MUST be in our room at 4pm. I was about 10' away. Oops. Chi and I both got "extra duty." After an hour of cleaning clean walls, I talked to the C.O. about allowing me to complete my second hour his next night on duty (Monday). I think he could take one look at me and see that I was about to faint (flushed, sweaty, etc.). He agreed. One hour is do-able. Two hours on my feet trying to hold a mop up against the wall is nearly impossible for me. My shoulder joints were so inflamed. Kind of crazy that the extra duty here is not "accessible" for people with medical issues - since this IS a medical facility. I did fall asleep pretty well last night, though. Exhaustion will do that.
Oh, one more update. Yesterday morning, I was told NOT to seek any employment outside of education. They definitely want me as a tutor. Freckles had started before me and she's good too, so it was the right decision to hire her in the classroom I was in. But, there are two more instructors seeking tutors AND that instructor who was super rude to me the other night, well, BOTH of her tutors were fired by the instructor's supervisor yesterday and she is no longer allowed to hire her own tutors. I don't know the story in full, but I know that at some point soon, I will likely work in some classroom in education. That is good enough for me. Never give up HOPE!
So, my new room. I explained the dimensions already. I have three roommates, all who've been here a while. One, Bandana, has been here 12 years (since she was 19 years old) and has some major anger issues (which she immediately told me about). My lesson, do not touch her stuff or get on her bad side. Period. Another, Army (a 22 year Army vet), seems kind, and is either out with her friends or has her earphones on all the time. The one who is my bunky, Braids, is also out of the room most of the time. Thing is, manners don't really exist in prison, and in a space of 75 sq. ft., it is hard when people are rude to one another. Given the lessons I learned in my prior room, I'm keeping to myself and reading or writing. It is no guarantee, but this is likely my room for the rest of my time here. I am still doing meals and spending time with South and Danbury. I hope that continues.
I did not have any quality time with my roomies last night. I had "extra duty" (cleaning the unit) for 2 hours because I was talking with Chi and didn't notice it was 4pm and we MUST be in our room at 4pm. I was about 10' away. Oops. Chi and I both got "extra duty." After an hour of cleaning clean walls, I talked to the C.O. about allowing me to complete my second hour his next night on duty (Monday). I think he could take one look at me and see that I was about to faint (flushed, sweaty, etc.). He agreed. One hour is do-able. Two hours on my feet trying to hold a mop up against the wall is nearly impossible for me. My shoulder joints were so inflamed. Kind of crazy that the extra duty here is not "accessible" for people with medical issues - since this IS a medical facility. I did fall asleep pretty well last night, though. Exhaustion will do that.
Oh, one more update. Yesterday morning, I was told NOT to seek any employment outside of education. They definitely want me as a tutor. Freckles had started before me and she's good too, so it was the right decision to hire her in the classroom I was in. But, there are two more instructors seeking tutors AND that instructor who was super rude to me the other night, well, BOTH of her tutors were fired by the instructor's supervisor yesterday and she is no longer allowed to hire her own tutors. I don't know the story in full, but I know that at some point soon, I will likely work in some classroom in education. That is good enough for me. Never give up HOPE!
From Dragonfly: I've Been Moved
Last night, the counselor in my unit held a "town hall." As part of this meeting (which none of us could fully hear due to his turning each direction and when we were in the other direction we couldn't hear much), our counselor informed us that anyone who is not paying their FRP (Financial Responsibility Program) for their court fees or restitution will be moved. The place they go is the Bus Stop, so that meant that those in the bus stop who are not trouble makers and are paying their FRP were to be moved. For some reason, South was left in the bus stop (but she pays her FRP and is most definitely NOT a trouble maker). I was happy to be moving away from the drama, but alas we can not select our new room and there are many rooms in prison with trouble-makers and drama! Some people did not luck out with their new rooms. I'm in a better situation, I think.
All the rooms, except the bus stop, have two bunks (four people) and are approximately 10' long and 7.5'. They were built for 2 people. There is no room for two people to be between the bunks at the same time bending down to get shoes or in their lockers, but it's okay. I have a window to the outside world!!!! It has thick bars, but I can see nature. I can also see barbed wire and fencing, but the natural light is wonderful. The room is also much darker at night, except for a large light outside our window that makes the room glow orange.
The move was rather difficult on my body, getting everything down to the first floor (no more 24 steps up and down) and getting everything set up in my locker (somehow in less than 1 month, I've filled my locker to capacity!).
Inmate recall. Must end this here.
All the rooms, except the bus stop, have two bunks (four people) and are approximately 10' long and 7.5'. They were built for 2 people. There is no room for two people to be between the bunks at the same time bending down to get shoes or in their lockers, but it's okay. I have a window to the outside world!!!! It has thick bars, but I can see nature. I can also see barbed wire and fencing, but the natural light is wonderful. The room is also much darker at night, except for a large light outside our window that makes the room glow orange.
The move was rather difficult on my body, getting everything down to the first floor (no more 24 steps up and down) and getting everything set up in my locker (somehow in less than 1 month, I've filled my locker to capacity!).
Inmate recall. Must end this here.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Letter Mailed Home to Survivor
In a later post - after I am home - I state that I will post some of my letters home on the date that they were written. I post everything from the letter except for things that are personal about the person I am writing that is not relevant to the experience of myself or prison. In the letters I may not have used their pseudonyms - however that is changed for the purpose to keep this blog consistent and to keep everyone anonymous as always. Other than those few changes for the purposes of consistency and anonymity, everything listed here is exactly as it it written in the letter - including how I used shorthand or symbols. Some things may be similar to what I write in prior/later blogs. Other things I may not have written at the time on the blog because I knew it was being monitored. I take photos of any images and include that as well.
9/13/13
Hi Survivor,
I've thought a lot about you today. I wonder if something is happening to you or your family that is putting you at the forefront of my brain - or maybe it is just that I miss you!
I have a new room! The whole room is 10' long and 7 1/2 ' wide. About 2' separate the 2 bunk beds - four people in 75 square ft. Here's a diagram: Room 140 in Unit 1 South (first floor)
9/13/13
Hi Survivor,
I've thought a lot about you today. I wonder if something is happening to you or your family that is putting you at the forefront of my brain - or maybe it is just that I miss you!
I have a new room! The whole room is 10' long and 7 1/2 ' wide. About 2' separate the 2 bunk beds - four people in 75 square ft. Here's a diagram: Room 140 in Unit 1 South (first floor)
They moved 4 of us out of the bus stop to make room for the people who are not paying their frp (restitution payments) due to lack of finds or being an frp rejector.
Unfortunately South is still stuck in the bus stop and she is not happy about it, but she does not complain. It's going to be hard not having her nearby - as we have really supported one another a lot. Since I'm housed on the first floor, I can't go on the second floor so there's few ways for her and I to communicate. My new roommates I don't know, but they are named ***, ****, and *****. Not good that my name rhymes with 2 of my roommates.
I do not have a great window view. I see the indoor center and a lot of perimeter fencing (a constant reminder that I am locked in). My window faces east. The bars on it are thick and grey - yep, I'm behind bars... But, a new adventure starts with this move. There's no guarantee that I'll be in this room permanently - nor my roommates, so it's all a day at a time.
I'm having a blanket crocheted for me. It's going to be brown, ayran, and possibly burgundy. I figured I can take it home with me and it will go will with my room or the living room.
In 10 minutes, 8:45 pm, I have to check-in for "extra duty" - meaning I have to clean the unit from 8:45- 11pm, except for standing count (which I do not have to stand outside my room for anymore, just inside). I was talking with Chi in the hall & didn't realize it was 4pm - which means we both have extra duty tonight. People with extra duty have to wash walls, floors, etc. I let the C.O. know that I can't stand the full 2 hrs & need a job that accommodates that. We will see. I keep getting in trouble for not knowing rules... Must go.
Love,
Dragonfly
From Dragonfly: Good News
Not the best news (which would be an earlier out date), but good news for my health. I was on the "call out" to the nurse this morning and thought it was to once again do my vitals. But, instead, it was the injection group. I am OFFICIALLY getting my enbryl on Mondays and Fridays (starting today). I have no reference for how the medication finally got approved (as it was denied formally by the DOP central medical offices twice).
My guess is one of two things. The first is that they took the 26 vials of blood from me a couple weeks ago. Depending on the results, perhaps that supported the change in approval for enbryl (it will take another 1-2 months before I actually see those results). The second possible reason is that nice Jewish prisoner organization I reached out to prior to self-surrendering. They had said that they would advocate for my medication and my friend, Faith, took it on to contact them when I was not approved. It is possible that their contacts with the regional or central offices got me approval. There's no way for me to know which item, or whether both, worked. All I can say is that I will have way less fatigue, sweating episodes, and pain because of this change. It makes me very happy.
On a negative note, having this medication may keep me a "level 4" medical inmate and not allow me the earlier release (where I have to be a level "2"). I will still talk with the nurse next week to see what I need to do to get my medical level down. According to the different level descriptions, I should fit into a level 2 hands down. Level 4 is for inmates who need constant medical attention and assistance with their daily needs (dressing, washing, etc.). I am not that ill and hope they will see that. But, one day at a time on all this. Today is already starting better than the last couple days.
My guess is one of two things. The first is that they took the 26 vials of blood from me a couple weeks ago. Depending on the results, perhaps that supported the change in approval for enbryl (it will take another 1-2 months before I actually see those results). The second possible reason is that nice Jewish prisoner organization I reached out to prior to self-surrendering. They had said that they would advocate for my medication and my friend, Faith, took it on to contact them when I was not approved. It is possible that their contacts with the regional or central offices got me approval. There's no way for me to know which item, or whether both, worked. All I can say is that I will have way less fatigue, sweating episodes, and pain because of this change. It makes me very happy.
On a negative note, having this medication may keep me a "level 4" medical inmate and not allow me the earlier release (where I have to be a level "2"). I will still talk with the nurse next week to see what I need to do to get my medical level down. According to the different level descriptions, I should fit into a level 2 hands down. Level 4 is for inmates who need constant medical attention and assistance with their daily needs (dressing, washing, etc.). I am not that ill and hope they will see that. But, one day at a time on all this. Today is already starting better than the last couple days.
From Dragonfly: Unassigned
As I wrote in the last couple of days, the education department had liked my "try out," but instead of working for the instructor I was "trying out" for, I was informed that another instructor wanted me as her head tutor. After trying to see her for 3 days, as I was told she was looking for me, I finally found her in her office last night. I was second in line to see her, when a bunch more people came and she decided to walk out of her office and do other things as we waited, and waited. She then came back and asked us all who we were. I knew that she'd been seeking me out, so I told her my name, and she said, "oh, wait here." She then proceeded to help every other person waiting to talk to her. About 1 hour 45 minutes later, she came up to me (I'd been sitting in the hallway waiting patiently), and said, "now who are you again?" I told her my name and that I understood she had been looking for me. One instructor and several tutors in Education had informed me of that. She looked at me and abruptly said, "I have not been looking for you."
I informed the instructor that I was told she was interested in hiring me as one of her tutors. She said to me, "I am not hiring another tutor. I have not yet made a decision if I want another tutor. I don't know where you were told this." I told her how I had come about the information and she just stood there in the hallway looking annoyed. I told her my background; that I am getting my PhD and my interests in education. I told her about my teaching experience. She seemed totally uninterested in anything I have done. She asked me what I have taught in high school and I said that I am not a high school teacher, but that I have been tutoring the students in the other teacher's class for a couple weeks and he thought I was good and that I had done well on the tutor test. I also told her that I do research in student learning motivation and how to engage learners and she stopped me and said, "well, that will do you no good here. We just teach the GED-prep books, nothing more." I explained that I understand the curriculum is based on the books, but if a student is struggling with a concept, I can help find ways to help them with it. I gave her the example that when I was tutoring a student the other day, she was struggling with multiplying numbers. I worked with her in making a multiplication table to help her get the numbers down better (rather than guessing). She was disturbed by this action I had done. It is not in the GED books to do such a thing. She then said, "I am really not interested in having another tutor at this time."
So, this left me in a bit of a quandary. I had told the other instructor (through his head tutor) that I will step back and they should hire Freckles (a wonderful tutor with brilliance in math) and that I would talk to this other instructor who was seeking me out. Now, I am still going to be "unassigned" from having a job. There are more instructors, and I certainly do NOT want to work with the instructor I spoke to last night. She was incredibly rude. I am not giving up on working in education, but I can say, it was a little upsetting since I had been assured that she was wanting to hire me. That's the reality of prison, though, things don't work in here the way they work on the outside. Persistence, though, is important. And, I am certainly a persistent person.
I informed the instructor that I was told she was interested in hiring me as one of her tutors. She said to me, "I am not hiring another tutor. I have not yet made a decision if I want another tutor. I don't know where you were told this." I told her how I had come about the information and she just stood there in the hallway looking annoyed. I told her my background; that I am getting my PhD and my interests in education. I told her about my teaching experience. She seemed totally uninterested in anything I have done. She asked me what I have taught in high school and I said that I am not a high school teacher, but that I have been tutoring the students in the other teacher's class for a couple weeks and he thought I was good and that I had done well on the tutor test. I also told her that I do research in student learning motivation and how to engage learners and she stopped me and said, "well, that will do you no good here. We just teach the GED-prep books, nothing more." I explained that I understand the curriculum is based on the books, but if a student is struggling with a concept, I can help find ways to help them with it. I gave her the example that when I was tutoring a student the other day, she was struggling with multiplying numbers. I worked with her in making a multiplication table to help her get the numbers down better (rather than guessing). She was disturbed by this action I had done. It is not in the GED books to do such a thing. She then said, "I am really not interested in having another tutor at this time."
So, this left me in a bit of a quandary. I had told the other instructor (through his head tutor) that I will step back and they should hire Freckles (a wonderful tutor with brilliance in math) and that I would talk to this other instructor who was seeking me out. Now, I am still going to be "unassigned" from having a job. There are more instructors, and I certainly do NOT want to work with the instructor I spoke to last night. She was incredibly rude. I am not giving up on working in education, but I can say, it was a little upsetting since I had been assured that she was wanting to hire me. That's the reality of prison, though, things don't work in here the way they work on the outside. Persistence, though, is important. And, I am certainly a persistent person.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
From Dragonfly: FRP
FRP stands for the prison's "financial responsibility program." If an inmate owes fees and/or restitution, they are expected to make payments while in prison. Of course, none of us have much money - we earn $0.14/hour - if we work at all. Usually, an inmate starts at having to make quarterly payments of $25 to their debt. Today, I had a "call out" to meet with my counselor. There were 20 of us in line. Today's topic was FRP payments.
The counselor looks at an inmate's total due, resources, and makes a recommendation for the FRP payments. I was told I would start at $25/quarter, but my counselor asked me to do $25/month. I agreed. No reason to fight something I owe. A person who does not agree to their FRP payments is called a "FRP refusal." They then have a limit on their spending per month ($25) and also can be put into a bed in the Bus Stop as a punishment. Of course, I've been in the bus stop for 3 1/2 weeks now, not for a punishment, but because it was the only bed available when I arrived. I have 2 or 3 FRP refusals in my Bus Stop. They are more than FRP refusals, but are trouble makers as well. That is the goal of the Bus Stop. Every day, I am reminded how "mean" some of my roommates can be. They are especially mean towards me. It used to be a different roommate they harassed, but that roommate finally was able to get out of the room, so they decided I was next. It is brutal and emotionally hard to take in their comments. Today, I have a migraine headache (no medications) and I'm sure that it came on because of how upset I was last night after a roommate started in on me. If they get you in their sights, there is nothing you can do to stop them. I will not fight. I will not tell. Everything caused new problems. So, I write letters, I read, and when I can (if we are not getting ready for count or told to stay in our rooms by the officer), I try to take myself out of the room. Everyone says that my sentence is "short" and will go by in no time. However, I do not want this experience to change who I am.
I figure that is a GOOD thing that I don't "fit in" in prison. Yes, I must keep my sanity, but I do not need to make friends. My friends are the people who write me, pray for me, email me, and are in my heart. As they say, "you walk into prison alone, you walk out alone." My friend, South, was also in the room, but remained silent, although I could see her agitation. Danbury seems to want to be "friends" with everyone regardless of who they are. That's Danbury's way to survive. South and I know that we can't really "stick up" for one another. We must face our own battles here. Bad things can happen to those who speak up.
During my FRP meeting, I wanted to talk with my counselor about changing rooms, the feather pillow, and Sporty not yet being approved for a visit (she bought a ticket to come this weekend). My counselor did say that Sporty will not be approved for a visit by this weekend (note: do not buy tickets to travel to see your imprisoned loved ones until you receive prior approval). Sporty knew this might be a possibility. Unfortunately, she must cancel all her reservations for the weekend. It breaks my heart as I really want a hug and a couple hours away from the daily reality of being here. Even the strip downs after the visit are worth that time with someone that matters. Another time, I guess. My counselor refused to talk with me about any other matters during the FRP meeting, so I must wait in line again at 1:30pm to see him during his open office hours. Prison is a place full of lines and waiting, well at least it is here.
And that's life for today.
The counselor looks at an inmate's total due, resources, and makes a recommendation for the FRP payments. I was told I would start at $25/quarter, but my counselor asked me to do $25/month. I agreed. No reason to fight something I owe. A person who does not agree to their FRP payments is called a "FRP refusal." They then have a limit on their spending per month ($25) and also can be put into a bed in the Bus Stop as a punishment. Of course, I've been in the bus stop for 3 1/2 weeks now, not for a punishment, but because it was the only bed available when I arrived. I have 2 or 3 FRP refusals in my Bus Stop. They are more than FRP refusals, but are trouble makers as well. That is the goal of the Bus Stop. Every day, I am reminded how "mean" some of my roommates can be. They are especially mean towards me. It used to be a different roommate they harassed, but that roommate finally was able to get out of the room, so they decided I was next. It is brutal and emotionally hard to take in their comments. Today, I have a migraine headache (no medications) and I'm sure that it came on because of how upset I was last night after a roommate started in on me. If they get you in their sights, there is nothing you can do to stop them. I will not fight. I will not tell. Everything caused new problems. So, I write letters, I read, and when I can (if we are not getting ready for count or told to stay in our rooms by the officer), I try to take myself out of the room. Everyone says that my sentence is "short" and will go by in no time. However, I do not want this experience to change who I am.
I figure that is a GOOD thing that I don't "fit in" in prison. Yes, I must keep my sanity, but I do not need to make friends. My friends are the people who write me, pray for me, email me, and are in my heart. As they say, "you walk into prison alone, you walk out alone." My friend, South, was also in the room, but remained silent, although I could see her agitation. Danbury seems to want to be "friends" with everyone regardless of who they are. That's Danbury's way to survive. South and I know that we can't really "stick up" for one another. We must face our own battles here. Bad things can happen to those who speak up.
During my FRP meeting, I wanted to talk with my counselor about changing rooms, the feather pillow, and Sporty not yet being approved for a visit (she bought a ticket to come this weekend). My counselor did say that Sporty will not be approved for a visit by this weekend (note: do not buy tickets to travel to see your imprisoned loved ones until you receive prior approval). Sporty knew this might be a possibility. Unfortunately, she must cancel all her reservations for the weekend. It breaks my heart as I really want a hug and a couple hours away from the daily reality of being here. Even the strip downs after the visit are worth that time with someone that matters. Another time, I guess. My counselor refused to talk with me about any other matters during the FRP meeting, so I must wait in line again at 1:30pm to see him during his open office hours. Prison is a place full of lines and waiting, well at least it is here.
And that's life for today.
From Dragonfly: Preparing for Release
From the moment I arrived at Carswell, I started my work toward my release. I have my out date (7/2/14 due to the national holiday) and my home confinement date (5/28/14), but I learned quickly that there are other dates that are earlier and possible. It ALL depends on specific factors and is individual for the inmate. For me, the most important thing I need to do is get medically cleared. This is because I am at a medical facility and have the highest level of "need of care" given to me - a 4. Only people who are 1's or 2's can be qualified for halfway house and/or home confinement, unless you wait for your out date. You halfway house date can be months, literally months, prior to your home confinement day. This does not mean you spend the months entirely at a halfway house, either. Decisions are individualized, but many people only spend a week or several at the halfway house before being approved to home confinement. Home confinement will last until the out date. It may, or may not, include electronic monitoring and other restrictions. To start this process for me, my case worker is working on transferring my case from the jurisdiction I was prosecuted in to the jurisdiction I live in. I lived 2,000 miles away from where my home is now when I committed my crime. It had been 5 years since my criminal act and I had moved to my family home after I lost everything when I got caught (what I still call my "unintentional intervention"). My school is within a half day's drive of my family home. So, my case needs to move to the state I live in now, in order for me to live there after imprisonment. This is the easy thing that I have to do.
The medical clearance will be much harder. Going from a level "4" to a level "2" will mean getting the medical team here to re-evaluate my medical condition and say it is not as bad as it was indicated to be on my pre-sentence report (the PSR is the the report all categorizing decisions are made on). So, here's the problem. I do have the medical conditions that were listed in my PSR. At the same time, I am not being treated properly for the conditions (especially my autoimmune condition) while in here. Instead of complaining, I am just getting through each day. I figure months without my medication and the pain, fatigue and issues that may arise, I can handle. Once I can get home, I can go back to my medical providers and they will once again get me on the medical regiment I need. As long as I don't have a flair, I can show my doctors, honestly, that I can be downgraded in their system. I'm unsure how this will actually occur, but I will do whatever I can to get home as soon as I can. A little pain, headache, or sweating is not a big deal when freedom is at stake!
The only way to get this medical clearance is by seeing a specific Nurse here - Nurse Jones - who will meet with anyone seeking clearance on the 3rd Wednesday of each month. That's the 18th of this month. Many, and I mean many, women will wait hours to see Nurse Jones. I will likely have to do this numerous months, in order to learn next steps and get her advice on how to clear my status 4 to a status 2. My doctor here can block the entire process if he assesses me to be too ill. But, I am doing okay. Other than needing a lower bunk and having mild work restrictions (lifting, etc), I am doing everything - including 24 steps up and down numerous times a day from the first floor of my unit to the second floor (where my room is). There is an elevator, but I am not requesting a pass. Once again, anything to show I am not a level "4." Funny thing is that level "4's" tend to be in the hospital units, but I am way too capable of that. I will only have issue if I have a flair and I will do everything to not have one (if I can control it at all).
My recovery comes in well here. I say the serenity prayer a lot. There are many things I can not control about my situation. The few things I can, I do what I can, within the restrictions of the location I am in. I've written 3 cop-outs (staff requests) to get a non-feather pillow (I am allergic to feathers) and none of the cop-outs have been answered. I will do another tomorrow to my counselor. I will keep trying (others do get non-feather pillows). It's about patience and persistence. I've learned patience through recovery and have always had persistence. Prison is a place to use your positive qualities and to be humble to the fact that there are many, many women here who need things as well. I am NOT the center of anyone's universe here. I can, however, show myself to be a positive, courteous, persistent person.
23 days inside...
The medical clearance will be much harder. Going from a level "4" to a level "2" will mean getting the medical team here to re-evaluate my medical condition and say it is not as bad as it was indicated to be on my pre-sentence report (the PSR is the the report all categorizing decisions are made on). So, here's the problem. I do have the medical conditions that were listed in my PSR. At the same time, I am not being treated properly for the conditions (especially my autoimmune condition) while in here. Instead of complaining, I am just getting through each day. I figure months without my medication and the pain, fatigue and issues that may arise, I can handle. Once I can get home, I can go back to my medical providers and they will once again get me on the medical regiment I need. As long as I don't have a flair, I can show my doctors, honestly, that I can be downgraded in their system. I'm unsure how this will actually occur, but I will do whatever I can to get home as soon as I can. A little pain, headache, or sweating is not a big deal when freedom is at stake!
The only way to get this medical clearance is by seeing a specific Nurse here - Nurse Jones - who will meet with anyone seeking clearance on the 3rd Wednesday of each month. That's the 18th of this month. Many, and I mean many, women will wait hours to see Nurse Jones. I will likely have to do this numerous months, in order to learn next steps and get her advice on how to clear my status 4 to a status 2. My doctor here can block the entire process if he assesses me to be too ill. But, I am doing okay. Other than needing a lower bunk and having mild work restrictions (lifting, etc), I am doing everything - including 24 steps up and down numerous times a day from the first floor of my unit to the second floor (where my room is). There is an elevator, but I am not requesting a pass. Once again, anything to show I am not a level "4." Funny thing is that level "4's" tend to be in the hospital units, but I am way too capable of that. I will only have issue if I have a flair and I will do everything to not have one (if I can control it at all).
My recovery comes in well here. I say the serenity prayer a lot. There are many things I can not control about my situation. The few things I can, I do what I can, within the restrictions of the location I am in. I've written 3 cop-outs (staff requests) to get a non-feather pillow (I am allergic to feathers) and none of the cop-outs have been answered. I will do another tomorrow to my counselor. I will keep trying (others do get non-feather pillows). It's about patience and persistence. I've learned patience through recovery and have always had persistence. Prison is a place to use your positive qualities and to be humble to the fact that there are many, many women here who need things as well. I am NOT the center of anyone's universe here. I can, however, show myself to be a positive, courteous, persistent person.
23 days inside...
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I Didn't Want to Lie to You
On 9/11/2013 Dragonfly Hazel wrote a letter to Survivor during a really tough day. It did not start or end with "I am okay." The truth was, she could not lie to Survivor:
9-11-13
Survivor,
Just
finished the final standing count of the day. I’m in my bed trying desperately
to stop the water falling from my eyes. I’m telling myself the serenity prayer.
I’m repeating that, “other people’s opinions are none of my business.” I am
just not emotionally strong or capable of handling the meanness of people here,
especially some of my roommates and no one has my back. No matter what kind of
“friendship” I think I’m forming, in the end the only person here I can count
on is myself. Recovery wise I am strong but part of my recovery was to “feel”
again. I had years of barely ever crying in my life, but feeling comes with
consequences and my tears are one of those consequences. People tell me to be
strong, but I’m not made that way. I am kind and sensitive, both of which are
weaknesses in prison.
So,
what happened? My roommate [Danbury] made us dinner tonight. I assisted a bit. We had fun
and enjoyed the food. My roommate separated the food in 7 pieces, one for each
of us, but 3 of the roommates were not here at the time, so the food was put
aside for them. Around 8:40pm, I came back to my unit/room from the email
office. We all have to be in our room at that time. Well, the roommate who
cooked, offered the food to the others and when one of them didn’t immediately
take her up on it, I added that the food is really good. Supporting the
roommate that cooked. Suddenly, the other roommate [Hust] who had declined the food
screams at me to not butt into the conversation. It’s not like it was a
personal, private conversation. Then she tells me that everyone in the room is
just annoyed and frustrated with me, since I “know” things and sometimes give
my thoughts on stuff. Everyone else is allowed to, but I guess I am not. I
pointed out that she often gives her opinion on things I’m talking about and/or
breaks into conversations as well. We are a ‘room’ and people just talk all the
time. They just don’t want me talking. I sure as hell don’t think it’s a good
thing to fit in at prison. South, my older “friend,” said nothing, she just
reacted facially to the other roommates mean, hurtful comments. That’s the
thing about prison, no one has your back, silence is our safety.
So,
I just lie down, open my book, start trying to read and hide my tears. But, my
friend Chi comes by and wants to talk, so I go out of the room with her and she
can see I’m upset, but I won’t’ tell her why, she just knows my roommates can
be particularity mean. They are in the bus stop because of their past actions
(unless they are new) including time in the SHU, fights, mouthing off, and
more. I am stuck here because the minute a lower bunk opens somewhere, there is
a new inmate placed in it. I am stuck due to no bed space anywhere.
I
get back in my room and my roommate immediately think I was talking about her
and I was not. I said nothing, Chi saw I was upset and comforted me, but I have
held true to my conviction to tell on no one for any reason, to avoid getting
beat up or worse. So, as she is telling me not to talk about her, I reply, “I
don’t talk about you.” Such satisfaction she gets from her power trip, I have
only been nice to her, but she can’t stand that I have a hard time bending down
to get things under beds, that I am educated, that I follow the rules here and
don’t engage in the underground market, and that I have commissary funds. She
doesn’t like that on my second day, I did not hide food for a different
roommate whose locker was being searched and that I said, “I’m here to do my
time, not anyone else’s.” She hates the amount of mail I get. She calls me a
brat because of my outside community of support. Putting me down is her power
trip. She said everyone is annoyed with me, yet who gave her the power to speak
for everyone in the room? I didn’t see or hear anyone else nodding or agreeing.
These are strong women from the streets, involved in humongous drug rings. Yet,
I know that inside they are just a product of unfair circumstances and/or
addiction. They have fired guns, been in fist fights, and have high violence
tendency. I am a “0” on the prison’s violence scale. They are imprisoned for
years, the woman harassing me has been here 10 years.
Meeting someone like me
probably makes no sense to her. Later, as I was reading, Hust came over to my
bed, not to apologize per se, but to hug me and tell me she still likes me. I
guess she got an earful when I was out talking to Chi. I sat here and she
hugged me, but I did not return the hug, no matter how hard she tried. All I
said to her was, “Okay” to whatever she said, acknowledging but not forgiving.
This is the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and it is important that
I forgive, but I need time. Her hug made me think of any abuser, who goes
psycho, but then tries to hug for forgiveness. She stated clearly that she does
not think she did anything wrong, as she is “warning” me because other inmates
will treat me even worse. Like somehow her actions will change me and my
personality?!? What if I have finally come to terms to accept myself just the
way I am and I do not need a career offender telling me how I should “act.” I
am humble, giving, sincere, and honest. I choose to maintain these qualities,
even if it means that I am not liked.
This is not about being comfortable in
prison, my goal is to accept responsibility for my past actions and to accept
that it means spending months being uncomfortable and out of place in this
place.
People do not have to like me, but I cannot be their verbal punching bag
either. I had a harassing supervisor at [a past job] who put me in a bad place, but I
had choices and could leave that job and the harassment. Here, I have no
choices. I must handle everything with no place to feel safe or
accepted/acceptable.
I
do not want to be hardened by this experience. Recovery gave me the right to
have emotions. I feel prison will try to take it away. Every day, my letters
and emails help me hold true to my true self. I will continue to be so grateful for the short breaks they give me from my current reality.
Okay,
I know, depressing letter, ugh. But I can’t give a therapy and I needed to get
all of this out. Thank you for reading.
Love, Dragonfly
p.s. Sorry I didn’t start this
letter with, “I am okay.” I didn’t want to lie to you.
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