From Dragonfly: The Finer Things in Life

For just one hour this morning, I almost felt normal - like I was not sitting in prison. It was my first haircut since I arrived. Carswell has a cosmetology school as part of it's educational offerings. The classes are always filled. The women in the classes start cutting real hair (not just mannequins) after about 6 weeks of learning every weekday. The school offers free haircuts and other hair services (braiding, highlights, color, twists, deep conditioning, etc.) for free to inmates. We have to buy our own products in advance. We must bring our own shampoo/conditioner. If we want color, we must purchase it at the Commissary and then have them pick it up (we can't bring it back to our units). That way our color is on hold in Cosmetology until our next day. The way it works here, is that once you are on the list, you are called in for an appointment every 3 weeks or so. Today was my first appointment, my next is October 31st. We can have only one thing done each appointment. Today, I had a haircut. Next time, I am going to do highlights.

The cosmetology school is right down the hall from where I work, but I'd never been down that hall. Once you enter, it is like a little bit of normalcy. There are chairs for waiting clients, shelves filled with different magazines, and even music in the background (I heard some Journey, John Mayer, and Pink!). We are brought into the salon area, once our name is called, and it looks just like any salon - well, any salon at any cosmo school. There were a lot of hair stations for the students and graduates to work from. There is a line of hair washing stations, just like at home. They put a cape over your clothes and towel around your neck. Everything is done correctly.

I decided to finally get my hair done because it was growing out in every direction. Just before my sentencing, Survivor and Faith talked me into getting my hair cut (yes, my hair was not so good then either). It was cut fairly short and in layers. I hate layers. I want my hair about shoulder length, now, but the layers are a nightmare - especially since my hair seems to want to be very wavy in Texas! So, my hair was cut to the hair line in a nice sort of bob. My bangs are still growing out, as well as some side layers. It sits better, though.

When cutting my hair shorter, I was actually conscious about how short I was wanting to go, for I did not want to be seen as a "boi" when it was complete (boyish hairstyles usually indicate the inmate wants to be "boi" - whether or not they are homosexual). I have looked like a boy much of my adult life and I don't care about it on the outside. However, in prison, if I want people to pretty much leave me alone, I don't want to stand out. Boi's, here, are usually sought after for relationships. I've made it clear that I am not interested in a "prison romance." Not only is it against the rules, but the sneaking around, making out in bathrooms, and other things are totally "junior high." I choose relationships that are mature, healthy, and leave me without any guilt. These could not exist within a prison environment. My friendships are enough for me.

An inmate just tapped my shoulder. They are from the same state as me and we root for different college football teams from our state. We enjoy watching Saturday Football and giving each other sh*t for their teams' behavior. Good, innocent, fun! It's nice to still have a little bit of normalcy with college football Saturdays!!

So football and haircuts... one is quite feminine, the other not so much... but they both give me moments of the finer things in life and are welcome distractions in a place such as this.

From Dragonfly: Nothing is Permanent in Prison

The reality of living in prison, is to know that things change all the time. One minute, you are getting used to your roommate, the next they are moved. You may love something they sell in commissary, but they choose to stop selling it. You may make a good friend, but then they are sent to halfway house. You may get used to having a microwave, only to have it taken away from the unit for days at a time. You may enjoy watching a specific tv show, only to find out that you can't watch it. You may want to play softball, only to be told that you were kicked off your team. You may be expecting roast beef, and be served pork roast instead. Everything changes and nothing is permanent. The goal, don't get too comfortable, ever.

Today, a major change is occurring that affects me. Freckles was officially accepted into the RDAP program (residential drug and alcohol program). She is being moved out of my unit and also will not be able to tutor anymore in Education. RDAP is a very intensive 9 month program. The incredible news for her, is that once she completes the program, they will let her out 9 months early... so she will be able to go to halfway house/home confinement in October, rather than summer, 2015. Of course, for her, that is wonderful!!!!

I will miss my daily chats with Freckles. She, too, is from the Midwest and we enjoyed watching Saturday college football together. We also did our breakfasts together. She is someone I have found that I can trust in here.

Soon, South and Danbury will also be moving on. South is probably going to go to home confinement within a couple months. Danbury is officially released in December. I've made other "friends." There is Star (a young, pregnant woman), Army (my roommate), Ark (Army's best friend), and many more. But, since I have been here, Freckles, South and Danbury have been my closest confidants. All will be heading to greener pastures, I hope.

The crazy thing is that once we are each released from prison, we cannot communicate legally - not until we are off supervised release (for me, 3 years). So, keeping in touch and knowing how one another are doing is a little tricky - and I certainly do not intend to get in trouble while on Supervision. However, there are some good people in prison. People who are genuine, scared, kind, honest, and good. Even among the chaos that exists, friendship can and does occur.

Good luck to Freckles! I will see her in passing and, perhaps, on the play field. But, I will miss our being able to support one another through this crazy experience. I know her spouse is happy that she will be going home earlier. I am as well.

From Dragonfly: Food Creativity

I've talked a lot about creativity in prison, but I have not talked much about the food creativity. This is where commissary and other means to get food comes in. There are plenty of edible meals in the chow hall, but every so often, there is a meal you just don't want/like. Or, you are not feeling up to the walk and long wait. Or, you just need something a little different. Or, like many people, you've been here long enough to prefer your own creations to the kitchen staff's creations. Whatever, the reason, there are choices - as long as you can afford them.

The number one way people get their food for use in their unit is through their commissary purchases. As I've mentioned before, there are many different kinds of items available - for a slightly higher price than we would pay on the outside. Categories of food available include: rice, tortillas, cheese, spices, condiments, coffee, ramen soups, cookies, crackers, pudding, ice cream, candy, chips, packaged meat/soy products, and more! From these purchases, people can make roll-ups, potato logs, cheese cake, tacos, chicken and rice, and much, much more!

There are additional ways (legitimate and not) that people "somehow" get foods. One way is what they can get from their meals in the chow hall. We are allowed to remove any whole piece of fruit and/or dessert with us for later consumption. These tend to be apples or oranges. Dessert is just on Wednesdays and is usually either a home-made cookie or packaged pudding. Some people sneak other parts of their meals out (baked potato, bread, sliced cheese, sugar, butter, and much more). How they sneak it out and where they put it on their body is always a mystery to me! The most illegitimate way inmates get food is through the kitchen. I do not ask questions and know nothing about how people get their additional items from the kitchen (brown sugar, blocks of butter, tomatoes, onions, etc.). All I know is that people have stuff and you never ask how they got it or where they got it from. With these additional items, apple pie, caramel, potato soup, and thinks that smell very yummy are also prepared for meals in the unit.

The next challenge is how inmates cook their meals. In most units, inmates have whatever Tupperware they may have purchased from commissary (or from another inmate), and a hot water spout. The prison got rid of any food they believe required microwaves. I live in the only unit with a microwave - there is one little microwave for 264 women! In units without a microwave, inmates use wax paper (not sure where they get that!) and IRON their food! How else would you melt your cheese??? An additional way food is cooked is through their large thermoses. They fill the thermos with hot, hot water and then put whatever needs to be cooked in a plastic bag in the thermos. This can heat meat, cheese, pizza sauce, etc.

With all these limitations, I still see the most amazing meals being prepared. Pizza is made on Goya crackers or tortillas, with pepperoni and three kinds of cheeses (none of which require refrigeration). Cheesy rice and taco meat rolled into tortillas is wonderful. Baked potato, cheese soup was last night's new adventure in cooking. Cheese cakes made with fruit or just plain vanilla or chocolate are prepared in multiple sizes. Popcorn balls, made with melted marshmallows are the bomb! There's also honey buns with melted chocolate and Graham cracker crumbs, smores, or granola toffee bars that can be made. Noodles (made from the ramen) with beef, chicken, or even seafood is possible! The possibilities are endless!!!

Last night, a fellow Tutor made crepes... a flour tortilla with butter marshmallows, and cinnamon, then another tortilla on top - ironed to perfect crunchy harmony. In my unit, we can prepare this in our microwave, although, we waited over 2 hours to make our dinner last Thursday.

This week is Danbury's birthday. We are trying to plan a special meal, plus dessert for her. Commissary was out of most of the items we needed to purchase, when I was allowed to shop yesterday. South will try to get them on her shopping day - Thursday. If not, we will, undoubtedly, still come up with a fabulous, celebratory meal! It's just a little different how we go about doing it in prison!

From Dragonfly: ...and a Wake Up

There's a saying here in prison. It goes, "____ days and a wake up." Some will say, "100 days and a wake up." Others may be a little giddy and say, "One day and a wake up." What does it mean? It means that in that many days (plus one night's sleep), they are being released. For example, today a very nice woman is headed home. She is a professional marketer and, also, is going to start her own non-profit related to women prisoners. Yesterday, I saw her in the tv room and said, "all you have now is a wake-up." She was all smiles! I wished her well this morning and hope that she can find serenity by finally walking outside the gates of this prison!

I do not count my days yet. I do not know how many more "wake ups" I will have. It is more than I've been here, so it is not soon enough. Plus, I don't know yet if I can get my care level decreased. The 4-5 month difference in when I can leave Carswell is substantial to my number of "wake ups."

At least my wake "wake ups" are comfortable now. Yesterday, my new crocheted blanket was completed. It is aryn (off white) and cafe (brown) and done in a waffle type stitch (can't remember the exact name of the stitch). It is soft, warm, and only MINE! My other blankets have been owned by countless women before me. My pillow has been slept on by many, many heads. I try not to think about it, as it would make me nervous (this is a medical facility... we have no idea the illnesses of the people around us or before us).

I, also, finally was listened to on my pillow issue (being allergic to feathers). I was given a plastic "hypo-allergenic" pillow cover that zippers. I put it on my pillow and my pillow case (stained before I even received it) on top. The pillow cover, at least, was brand new in package. It is kind of like having a hospital pillow, as the plastic case crunches with movement. At least the feathers are not against my face anymore.

All this does not help me get very many zzzzzzz's. There is never time of full quiet on the unit. With open doorways, we can even hear snoring from 5 rooms over. Also, people talk, and talk, and talk. The ice machine bangs, turns off, turns on, releases ice, etc. Plus there is never darkness. There are lights on every night. The C.O. decides which "safety" lights he wants to keep on. It appears that every C.O. has their own choices. None leave the room dark. Plus, there is a huge pole with 6 lights on it that shines in my window. If I wanted to, I wouldn't even need my book light to read. Freckles made a very creative eye mask. I may soon follow suit.

It seems my best sleep is when I can get a nap in. Nearly every day, I fall asleep at some point when we are preparing for count. I don't sleep long, but my roommates are always waking me to stand up. Somehow, I don't hear the C.O.'s yelling, "Stand Up Count!" This must be a very deep sleep!

I am awake every morning before 6 am. My friends would know that it is a very different schedule than I used to keep. Mornings are hard, but I get myself up, showered, dressed and by the time Freckles and I walk to breakfast, I am mostly coherent. By now, 7:15am, I am thinking and ready... it's time to go to work!

From Dragonfly: Letter On My Behalf

I just finished typing the letter I wrote to respond to the accusations against me by my university. I am still slightly in denial that it has come to this. I started on the typewriters, but all my errors made the letter look like it was being typed by a 5 year old - I am a computer nerd - not a typewriter one! So, I retyped it using the email system and printed it out so that I can send it. Unfortunately, the printer shows a header and also causes black lines down the side of the page (making it look like a photo copy), so, I took correction tape to white out the side lines and the header. After using the copy machine ($0.50/sheet), I was able to make the letter look professional. Many, many steps to make something we take for granted on the outside, possible. I even had to type it as two separate emails because of the character limits and then retype part of it when it printed alone on a page mid-letter. But I took my time with it and it is complete. It is just over 4 pages printed (single-spaced). This IS my life we are talking about. Part of me thinks I am saying too much and part feels that I am not saying enough. I believe it doesn't really matter. If they want me gone, they will see to it that my admission is revoked. It would break my heart!

One of my students saw me typing and said, "Oh, you know how to type!" and then proceeded to ask me to help her on the typewriters... Ummmm, we'll see how that goes!!! I guess some skill is better than none and many use the typewriters for official legal forms (very important)! I don't see why they can't provide some of the computers (that are sitting mostly unused in Education) with Microsoft word on them for people to get typing done, but we are in the dark ages. That is why we must be creative by using our email. Here, it is all about creativity with everything.

There is a huge line, so I am going to make this one short. I'm doing alright. The changing weather isn't great on my joints, but I'm surviving. Thank god I have this outlet!!