My email to the Rabbi resulted in a return phone call hours after his death. She gave condolences, even though the email indicated he had not yet passed, yet when she left her call he had. I realize she didn't know that, but I like to think that somehow she just knew that from the time I wrote and the time she called, she just knew. I don't know why I like to think that, but I do.
I didn't know it would be a female Rabbi, but I was pleasantly surprised listening to her voice in the message. It was soft and kind. It is so nice to see temples hiring females into their rabbinical roles, and not just as lower level rabbis. She said that I should come to services tonight and tomorrow, even though I am not affiliated. I am welcome. She said she would have a ribbon for me and would look for a candle. It was a sincere invitation and I knew that my prayers were answered, my dad passed away this morning, but I was not alone, I could be in synagogue.
Even more important, as part of each service during these holidays, is the mourners Kaddish/prayer which is usually done in the home as part of the shiva (usually mourning for a week after the funeral - reformed Jews sometimes shorten it to 3-5 days). Usually, 10 people must be present to say the prayer, so I couldn't do it on my own. Being in synagogue, I can think of my dad as we say it.
On the 22nd is Kol Nidre, the Eve of Yom Kippur which is a special service about those we have lost. I have lost my grandma and my father this year. I am grateful to feel I now have a synagogue to attend where I can honor them in our faith. Perhaps this experience will be the impetus to finally affiliate me with a local synagogue!
My stepmother made the decision long ago to cremate my father. I'm not sure his wishes, but since my wishes are to be cremated, I am not fighting her. In Jewish faith, we are to be buried, but I believe we have decided a better legacy for my father that helps us feel peace and I'm more than sure is okay with God. We are donating my dad's body to cancer research. His bladder cancer spread throughout his body and in the end, killed him. They will be able to learn from him and, hopefully, be able to help others in the future. What could be more righteous a life? They will cremate his ashes and we will receive them next month.
I will then fly out there. My stepmom and I will go to Route 66. He loved taking that road. We will choose a section and let him scatter. I wanted to make something or keep some ashes, but my stepmom said, "no." I decided it was not as important to me as just being present.
It's a new year for me. A Jewish new year. It's my first new year without my dad. He died on the last day of last year. His legacy starts on the first day of this year.
For the next 30 days I wear a torn black ribbon over my heart. The ribbon is called K'riah. Only mourning children wear the ribbon over their heart according to custom. Orthodox Jews tear their clothing instead of wearing ribbons. That is where this comes from. I had to say a special prayer with the Rabbi when the ribbon was cut. ...'Dayan Ha'emet,' ..."Blessed is the Judge of Truth." According to a website I read, this is said "because as mortals, we can not understand God's decrees and judgements. Rather, all we can do is accept those judgements, and to acknowledge that God is in control of all life."
What an amazing explanation - just like the serenity prayer... Except we all know how hard it is to accept when it comes to losing someone we care about. I will wear the ribbon, although I feel very exposed. I don't like that part. I don't really want people asking me why I'm wearing a ribbon and most of the people I know, wouldn't know the reason. It's like seeking sympathy. I know that I'm allowed to and am supposed to mourn, but it feels like a private process. The ribbon makes it very public.Tomorrow night Sporty and I will cook a real Rosh Hashanah dinner aside from my going to synagogue. It's a good time for tradition, family, and keeping busy.
