I mentioned in an earlier post about things we can do to keep ourselves occupied. One of those items are creative projects. The most popular projects I see are crocheting blankets, locker organizers, and pillow cases. I have never held a crochet hook in my life, but yesterday someone gave me a plastic hook. My goal is to learn a basic stitch, so that I can make myself a locker organizer. I am leaning on others for the bed blanket right now.
Locker organizers are made of plastic needle point backing that is cut and stitched in different ways to make pockets for items - such as pens, medication, notes, brush, etc. Every locker organizer looks different. At the top of the organizer a crocheted hanger is made to go around the top of the locker (holding it in place). The locker closes with the organizer placed inside the locker so everything is locked up safe.
In order to have any of these items, we have to fill out a project form at indoor rec. It is a simple form, but if you have a blanket or a locker organizer or a crocheted stuffed animal, etc and do not get the permit, they can be confiscated. It's so interesting to see what projects people make. I especially love the crocheted stuffed animals. Inmates send them home to their kids.
Another popular project is paining mugs/jugs. The true artists among us (not me) do this. We see mugs with Hello Kitty, Winnie the Pooh, Betty Boop, realistic self portraits, and much more painted on mugs and jugs. The jugs are HUGE and hold like 64oz of liquid. It's amazing the creativity some inmates have in making their beds and, even, their mugs look personal and special.
I have a water bottle that has my name on it written in bubble paint. That is the extent of my creativity SO FAR. However, I intend to leave here with the full bed set and locker organizers and I intend for at least most of it being done by yours truly. We will see how this turns out... I may have the holiest blanket on the unit!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
From Dragonfly: A Night's Sleep
For some reason, whenever I receive bad news, I have a cycle. At first, I react emotionally. I do not tend to have a lot of anger, but I have a million emotions and thoughts going through my brain. I always reach out to others to discuss this and I also wrote here about all those thoughts.
Then, I go to sleep. I almost always wake up way too early after a bad news day, with stress and thoughts on my mind. This morning, I was awake by 4 a.m. Falling back asleep is useless, as my brain almost always has an answer, or at least a plan. Today, I woke up and knew my next steps.
I am going to respond to the letter I received yesterday. I am going to concentrate specifically on their charge of my not including a former employer on my resume for admission. I am going to point out that over the 8 year period of 2000-2008, I never worked just one job. In fact, I worked in non-profits as a consultant and/or employee with over 60 non-profits, including during the time I worked at the employment in question. I did not include all these jobs. Instead, I lumped them together and was honest in describing my work over that period of time. The work was not relevant to my application for admission, really just a side-note, as the relevant work I had done was put separately and individually on the resume. Had the job been listed on my resume, it would not have affected my admission. The non-profit in question was not well known beyond the community I lived in. What got me in to my program was my other work, in the academic community, and my personal statement. All of which was true. I will speak of the work on recovery I did over the 2 1/2 years prior to my admission and how that prepared me to undertake the role of a graduate student. I will highlight my successes since starting at my school, showing that I was ready and capable for study and work. These are the truth and respond directly to the allegations.
I will offer to send a copy of my PSR, since they are sitting on my indictment. I will also offer to send a copy of my more than 30 letters of support that was provided to the judge in my sentencing, to show who I am as a person today.
That will be my proper response. I will write several drafts. I will fight for my place and my goals.
Then, I go to sleep. I almost always wake up way too early after a bad news day, with stress and thoughts on my mind. This morning, I was awake by 4 a.m. Falling back asleep is useless, as my brain almost always has an answer, or at least a plan. Today, I woke up and knew my next steps.
I am going to respond to the letter I received yesterday. I am going to concentrate specifically on their charge of my not including a former employer on my resume for admission. I am going to point out that over the 8 year period of 2000-2008, I never worked just one job. In fact, I worked in non-profits as a consultant and/or employee with over 60 non-profits, including during the time I worked at the employment in question. I did not include all these jobs. Instead, I lumped them together and was honest in describing my work over that period of time. The work was not relevant to my application for admission, really just a side-note, as the relevant work I had done was put separately and individually on the resume. Had the job been listed on my resume, it would not have affected my admission. The non-profit in question was not well known beyond the community I lived in. What got me in to my program was my other work, in the academic community, and my personal statement. All of which was true. I will speak of the work on recovery I did over the 2 1/2 years prior to my admission and how that prepared me to undertake the role of a graduate student. I will highlight my successes since starting at my school, showing that I was ready and capable for study and work. These are the truth and respond directly to the allegations.
I will offer to send a copy of my PSR, since they are sitting on my indictment. I will also offer to send a copy of my more than 30 letters of support that was provided to the judge in my sentencing, to show who I am as a person today.
That will be my proper response. I will write several drafts. I will fight for my place and my goals.
From Dragonfly: A Little Hope(less)
I always try to be positive, but am unable to do so at the moment. Not that some okay things haven't happened since I last wrote. I was called into the Education Department on Monday morning and told that I would be taking over as Head Tutor that moment in a classroom with that educator who told me off last week. She didn't know about my hire until today (because she is out sick quite a bit). So, I love having the job and working with the students, but there is stress with her anger at the fact that her last tutors were fired and I was hired in their place without her say. She has lost her say in hiring decisions, but this puts me at a very high level of expectations. My issues are not with my new job, however.
Have you ever been in that position where you think you know your path and that you think you are doing the right next thing, but, somehow, life throws you for a loop and you are lost? That's me at this moment. I'm not as lost as I was in 2008, when losing everything put me on the brink of killing myself and I had a deep belief that I was "broken." I'm not there, because my recovery and therapy from addiction helped me come to terms with what "broke" me and how to be okay with who I am (including my prior bad acts I did while under the reality of addiction). I am a constant work in progress and believe that every new day is a chance to learn something new and be just a little bit better. Hard to do in prison, but I try, nonetheless.
My favorite time of the day is always "mail call." I did not receive much today - except for a letter. A letter from my University. A letter from the Dean of my Graduate School. All those things that were told to me just two months ago, about my support and that I had a home at my school. It's all crashing down. That leak in my friends who decided to break my trust and send my indictment to others. The others who bullied me and kept the indictment moving forward. The advisor who was my biggest advocate, who decided could not support me anymore. All of it based on an indictment that speaks of one sides case and so much was not even in my plea. Now, my University is questioning whether my admission will be rescinded. I have until October 12th (or earlier because mail from here takes time) to respond to the allegations that I should not be a student at my school because I did not share this prior employment on my resume. I know that you do not have to share every job ever worked on your resume, as long as the resume speaks the truth. My resume does. It also doesn't include the day I worked at a cell phone graveyard (long story), the six months I served as a paralegal (not relevant to anything), etc. Everything on my application resume was true, but I left off the position that I was terminated from. It was an old position by the time I applied to my school. I had three jobs that were more recent and relevant (whereas my prior job was not relevant) to the field of study I was applying to. I can fight these accusations, but then I question, "why?" I mean I LOVE school and I LOVE what I do and I am GOOD at it. But, I will only return to a school that does not want me there, a department that will not support me. I don't know how I would be able to put together a guidance committee, find a new advisor, or receive recommendations when I graduate.
At the same time, the right thing to do is fight. My crime occurred in 2008. I applied to my school in late 2010. I have not gambled since 2008. I have not done a bad act since that time either. I lost two careers - my legal career and my non-profit career - due to my crime. I turned to education. Education promises second chances for adults. There are programs for ex-offenders to get into higher education. Somehow, because my crime affects people emotionally (I hurt a community I love and that supported me greatly), they cannot see beyond the bad acts. These are people who have only known me in recovery. People who have seen me give back and help others. Who I am today seems to not matter.
I do not know how I am supposed to look forward to release when I am losing something I love and have committed myself to. If I do fight, I could win. What then? Do I change programs in my institution? Sporty and T.S. just moved to where my school is. T.S. is a student there and Sporty is getting a job there. She is setting up the home I will return to after I am released. I only live there because of school. School provides me inspiration, my job, my health insurance, everything. Should I really just be flipping burgers? Am I not worthy to be a professor because of my past? Am I not worthy of obtaining my PhD, even though I have a good gpa and have shown myself a good researcher and educator? Should my gifts be wasted because of my past?
It is times like right now that I wish I had my G.A. meetings. I wish I had the ability to surround myself by my incredible friends and community. I question my higher power. I don't question his existence, I question what I am supposed to do and why this is happening all over again. Most people in G.A. may lose everything once. For me, I'm losing it all again, even though I never placed another bet nor continued my prior bad acts. Is there a purpose for all of this? Am I supposed to fight? Am I supposed to just give in?
I don't think I should give in. I think, at the very least, I need to write back and speak my truth. I may include a copy of my pre-sentence report (which a friend will have to send to them because I have no access to any documents). At least in the PSR, it is two sided. It talks about all the work I've done on myself. It mentions that I have done everything a person could do to ensure they never commit another crime. Yet, the school is interested in why my resume did not include that one job. I have a defense for that. I find it unfair that I am having to fight this within the confines of prison, rather than their waiting for my release. So powerless, I feel.
I know, this is a rambling writing. I apologize. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out. I tried calling friends. None answered. I hadn't been able to get into email for a while (technical difficulties while installing thumbprint readers for security). I don't like that this is the first message I am writing. But, sometimes, I can't just show my observations. Life is about feeling the emotions of what is happening and going through it (in addiction I was all about avoidance). I cannot avoid the situations I am currently presented with. I must face them all - sometimes at the same time. It is hard. It is emotional. It is lonely. It causes sadness, anger, fear, and so much more. I must live this one day at a time. I must trust in the truth and maintain my HOPE, even when feeling hopeless. I know, I'm a contradiction. And, that's where I am today - a not so good day.
Have you ever been in that position where you think you know your path and that you think you are doing the right next thing, but, somehow, life throws you for a loop and you are lost? That's me at this moment. I'm not as lost as I was in 2008, when losing everything put me on the brink of killing myself and I had a deep belief that I was "broken." I'm not there, because my recovery and therapy from addiction helped me come to terms with what "broke" me and how to be okay with who I am (including my prior bad acts I did while under the reality of addiction). I am a constant work in progress and believe that every new day is a chance to learn something new and be just a little bit better. Hard to do in prison, but I try, nonetheless.
My favorite time of the day is always "mail call." I did not receive much today - except for a letter. A letter from my University. A letter from the Dean of my Graduate School. All those things that were told to me just two months ago, about my support and that I had a home at my school. It's all crashing down. That leak in my friends who decided to break my trust and send my indictment to others. The others who bullied me and kept the indictment moving forward. The advisor who was my biggest advocate, who decided could not support me anymore. All of it based on an indictment that speaks of one sides case and so much was not even in my plea. Now, my University is questioning whether my admission will be rescinded. I have until October 12th (or earlier because mail from here takes time) to respond to the allegations that I should not be a student at my school because I did not share this prior employment on my resume. I know that you do not have to share every job ever worked on your resume, as long as the resume speaks the truth. My resume does. It also doesn't include the day I worked at a cell phone graveyard (long story), the six months I served as a paralegal (not relevant to anything), etc. Everything on my application resume was true, but I left off the position that I was terminated from. It was an old position by the time I applied to my school. I had three jobs that were more recent and relevant (whereas my prior job was not relevant) to the field of study I was applying to. I can fight these accusations, but then I question, "why?" I mean I LOVE school and I LOVE what I do and I am GOOD at it. But, I will only return to a school that does not want me there, a department that will not support me. I don't know how I would be able to put together a guidance committee, find a new advisor, or receive recommendations when I graduate.
At the same time, the right thing to do is fight. My crime occurred in 2008. I applied to my school in late 2010. I have not gambled since 2008. I have not done a bad act since that time either. I lost two careers - my legal career and my non-profit career - due to my crime. I turned to education. Education promises second chances for adults. There are programs for ex-offenders to get into higher education. Somehow, because my crime affects people emotionally (I hurt a community I love and that supported me greatly), they cannot see beyond the bad acts. These are people who have only known me in recovery. People who have seen me give back and help others. Who I am today seems to not matter.
I do not know how I am supposed to look forward to release when I am losing something I love and have committed myself to. If I do fight, I could win. What then? Do I change programs in my institution? Sporty and T.S. just moved to where my school is. T.S. is a student there and Sporty is getting a job there. She is setting up the home I will return to after I am released. I only live there because of school. School provides me inspiration, my job, my health insurance, everything. Should I really just be flipping burgers? Am I not worthy to be a professor because of my past? Am I not worthy of obtaining my PhD, even though I have a good gpa and have shown myself a good researcher and educator? Should my gifts be wasted because of my past?
It is times like right now that I wish I had my G.A. meetings. I wish I had the ability to surround myself by my incredible friends and community. I question my higher power. I don't question his existence, I question what I am supposed to do and why this is happening all over again. Most people in G.A. may lose everything once. For me, I'm losing it all again, even though I never placed another bet nor continued my prior bad acts. Is there a purpose for all of this? Am I supposed to fight? Am I supposed to just give in?
I don't think I should give in. I think, at the very least, I need to write back and speak my truth. I may include a copy of my pre-sentence report (which a friend will have to send to them because I have no access to any documents). At least in the PSR, it is two sided. It talks about all the work I've done on myself. It mentions that I have done everything a person could do to ensure they never commit another crime. Yet, the school is interested in why my resume did not include that one job. I have a defense for that. I find it unfair that I am having to fight this within the confines of prison, rather than their waiting for my release. So powerless, I feel.
I know, this is a rambling writing. I apologize. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out. I tried calling friends. None answered. I hadn't been able to get into email for a while (technical difficulties while installing thumbprint readers for security). I don't like that this is the first message I am writing. But, sometimes, I can't just show my observations. Life is about feeling the emotions of what is happening and going through it (in addiction I was all about avoidance). I cannot avoid the situations I am currently presented with. I must face them all - sometimes at the same time. It is hard. It is emotional. It is lonely. It causes sadness, anger, fear, and so much more. I must live this one day at a time. I must trust in the truth and maintain my HOPE, even when feeling hopeless. I know, I'm a contradiction. And, that's where I am today - a not so good day.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
From Dragonfly: Entertainment Options
So, what do us inmates do when we are not working, standing in pill line, or in our rooms sleeping or awaiting count? Every facility is different, but here there are some options. First, there is indoor rec. At indoor rec, they have pool tables, games, work out equipment, aerobic and yoga type classes, craft classes, opportunities to order your own craft supplies, cd's to listen to, and some inmate programs (like weight loss). Most nights, the facility is packed with people playing cards, pool, and attending classes. I ordered some craft supplies from indoor rec and should receive the package in about 45-60 days from now. Nothing happens fast. I want to design my own cards to send out.
Another option is the outdoor rec center. There, inmates can borrow basketballs, softballs and mitts, outdoor yoga/stretching mats, walk the track, play on a softball league (I hear that there will be volleyball and soccer leagues as well), horse shoes, and more outdoor style items. The softball league is SUPER popular here, with games not only against different housing units and teams by inmates, but also an outside team comes once in a while and plays the all-star players. At big games, about half the inmates are either playing or watching. The heat and sun have kept me away (because my medication makes me very sensitive to the sun).
Third, there is this email room - TruLinks. TruLinks is a timed time on the messaging service. It is not really email, as nothing can be attached and every message is monitored ("hello" to whomever is monitoring this message). This is true for emails coming in or going out. However, each inmate can spend approximately 1 hour on TruLinks if they have funds (5 cents/min) and time.
Fourth, the compound yard is quite popular. There is an area with covered picnic style tables, tables that are not covered, and numerous benches. As long is it is not "inmate recall" or bad weather, the outdoor space is usually filled with women talking, laughing, brushing/braiding hair, avoiding bird droppings, checking out women walking by, fighting, and more. I only sit outside when I have to wait for the unit doors to be unlocked.
The libraries are another option. There is a room that has the law library (all computerized) and the regular library. We can check out up to 4 books at a time. Most of the titles are older, but they do receive newer titles now and then. We cannot donate the books we receive from the outside and finish reading, which is a bummer. The law library computers offer DOP policies and the U.S. code and decisions of the federal courts. They do not have state court/law information. That's difficult for some, as they have state charges pending and cannot conduct any research on their issues at times. Since we have access to cases, anyone here who ever appealed their case is free reign to read about, so people will know exactly their crimes and punishment. There is also a Chapel library. There are more books for check-out there - they all have some religious undertones and there is fiction and non-fiction available. None of the libraries are large, but an inmate would have a lot of reading options before running out of books to consider. Reading is my favorite activity that I do A LOT!!!
Religious Services also offers other options, in addition to the library. They have a lot of videos, dvd's, and cd's (all religiously based) for inmates to check-out and watch on one of several screen options. There are cubbies, where an inmate must wear headphones to hear their movie - meant for one watcher at a time. There are also two rooms that sometimes are available, where several people can sit together and watch a movie on a larger television with sound. I've watched one movie here so far. However, since it is the Jewish Holidays, I may check-out Yent'l (a favorite of mine) for a 2 hour break in my day. On some Sundays, Religious Services airs one of their movies in the chapel for inmates to watch. This institution does not offer regular "movie nights" like many other facilities do.
In the Unit, there are 6 televisions. Four require radios and headphones to hear and two are in smallish rooms with sound available. One room is only for sports/news. People "sign up" to be in charge of a television on some day at some time. I have not done so yet. However, a group of us wants to watch "Big Bang Theory," so we are hoping that one of us can get close enough in line to get a Thursday night television for a couple hours. Yesterday was the first time, ever, that I watched television in my unit. I watched a little bit of a cheesy Lifetime movie and then watched the Wisconsin/Arizona State football game with Freckles. I realized that I need to get my school football schedule to see when I may be able to watch the games on ESPN or ESPN2. It would be nice to have a little bit of home for a short while here. Maybe I'll see someone in the stands I know!
Other than the above options, a lot of people spend time napping, writing, doing their crafts (needle point, knitting, crocheting, card designing, and more). Others do things they should not (against the rules). I've seen people getting their haircut in the unit (it is only allowed in the cosmo school), doing tattoos in very unsafe ways (needle and ink), engaging in relationship activities, and more. Some people go in and out of the SHU quite a lot due to their need to go against the rules. In the SHU, you lose access to nearly all activities.
I'm sure I've missed some things on this listing, but it's what I could come up with this morning. Days that start before 6am are tough on my thinking! I miss sleeping in!!! However, when I am not sleeping, at least there are "some" options for me to be busy (even if I don't take advantage of every option). For me, I do a lot of low-key things and try to stay away from crowds or trouble. I figure it is my best option for getting out of here the quickest way possible.
Another option is the outdoor rec center. There, inmates can borrow basketballs, softballs and mitts, outdoor yoga/stretching mats, walk the track, play on a softball league (I hear that there will be volleyball and soccer leagues as well), horse shoes, and more outdoor style items. The softball league is SUPER popular here, with games not only against different housing units and teams by inmates, but also an outside team comes once in a while and plays the all-star players. At big games, about half the inmates are either playing or watching. The heat and sun have kept me away (because my medication makes me very sensitive to the sun).
Third, there is this email room - TruLinks. TruLinks is a timed time on the messaging service. It is not really email, as nothing can be attached and every message is monitored ("hello" to whomever is monitoring this message). This is true for emails coming in or going out. However, each inmate can spend approximately 1 hour on TruLinks if they have funds (5 cents/min) and time.
Fourth, the compound yard is quite popular. There is an area with covered picnic style tables, tables that are not covered, and numerous benches. As long is it is not "inmate recall" or bad weather, the outdoor space is usually filled with women talking, laughing, brushing/braiding hair, avoiding bird droppings, checking out women walking by, fighting, and more. I only sit outside when I have to wait for the unit doors to be unlocked.
The libraries are another option. There is a room that has the law library (all computerized) and the regular library. We can check out up to 4 books at a time. Most of the titles are older, but they do receive newer titles now and then. We cannot donate the books we receive from the outside and finish reading, which is a bummer. The law library computers offer DOP policies and the U.S. code and decisions of the federal courts. They do not have state court/law information. That's difficult for some, as they have state charges pending and cannot conduct any research on their issues at times. Since we have access to cases, anyone here who ever appealed their case is free reign to read about, so people will know exactly their crimes and punishment. There is also a Chapel library. There are more books for check-out there - they all have some religious undertones and there is fiction and non-fiction available. None of the libraries are large, but an inmate would have a lot of reading options before running out of books to consider. Reading is my favorite activity that I do A LOT!!!
Religious Services also offers other options, in addition to the library. They have a lot of videos, dvd's, and cd's (all religiously based) for inmates to check-out and watch on one of several screen options. There are cubbies, where an inmate must wear headphones to hear their movie - meant for one watcher at a time. There are also two rooms that sometimes are available, where several people can sit together and watch a movie on a larger television with sound. I've watched one movie here so far. However, since it is the Jewish Holidays, I may check-out Yent'l (a favorite of mine) for a 2 hour break in my day. On some Sundays, Religious Services airs one of their movies in the chapel for inmates to watch. This institution does not offer regular "movie nights" like many other facilities do.
In the Unit, there are 6 televisions. Four require radios and headphones to hear and two are in smallish rooms with sound available. One room is only for sports/news. People "sign up" to be in charge of a television on some day at some time. I have not done so yet. However, a group of us wants to watch "Big Bang Theory," so we are hoping that one of us can get close enough in line to get a Thursday night television for a couple hours. Yesterday was the first time, ever, that I watched television in my unit. I watched a little bit of a cheesy Lifetime movie and then watched the Wisconsin/Arizona State football game with Freckles. I realized that I need to get my school football schedule to see when I may be able to watch the games on ESPN or ESPN2. It would be nice to have a little bit of home for a short while here. Maybe I'll see someone in the stands I know!
Other than the above options, a lot of people spend time napping, writing, doing their crafts (needle point, knitting, crocheting, card designing, and more). Others do things they should not (against the rules). I've seen people getting their haircut in the unit (it is only allowed in the cosmo school), doing tattoos in very unsafe ways (needle and ink), engaging in relationship activities, and more. Some people go in and out of the SHU quite a lot due to their need to go against the rules. In the SHU, you lose access to nearly all activities.
I'm sure I've missed some things on this listing, but it's what I could come up with this morning. Days that start before 6am are tough on my thinking! I miss sleeping in!!! However, when I am not sleeping, at least there are "some" options for me to be busy (even if I don't take advantage of every option). For me, I do a lot of low-key things and try to stay away from crowds or trouble. I figure it is my best option for getting out of here the quickest way possible.
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