A New Sponsee

One of the greatest gifts of being in a recovery program is the opportunity to give back. So many people are there for you when you first walk in the rooms. It then becomes our jobs to be there for those who are new to the rooms later, or who may not be new, but who continue to struggle with this baffling disease. There are many ways to give back in our recovery programs, one of the most important ways is to be a sponsor.

I have been asked to be a sponsor a handful of times over the years. It is a big responsibility and one that no one should take lightly. With so much stuff I've dealt with over the years, it has not always made sense for me to sponsor others, or I've had to tag-team sponsoring someone (for example sharing the duties since I went into FMC Carswell and could not be available to the woman I'd been sponsoring for the year prior).

I'm also a "tough" sponsor. There are all kinds of sponsors in the programs, and I'd put myself on the tough side of things. I believe in the 12 steps and sponsor people who are willing to do the hard work and follow the guidelines of the program. I also believe that change does not happen overnight, so people need to be patient and kind to themselves in the process. However, blaming the rest of the world for all ones problems will likely not get you anywhere.

I guess you could say I haven't had much 'luck' with my sponsees. In fact, other than some good success at working with a couple people through steps 1-5, I have yet to see one of my sponsees make it past two years clean. I don't take that personally, though. Overall, GA has a 3-5% success rate. Yes, that is all. It's really quite sad. Now, people who relapse, often come back, which makes me very happy, but many people struggle in this program. Many people do not fully accept step 1 - they are powerless over gambling. At some point, they go back, experiment with some form of gambling, and it destroys them all over again. It's so horrible to hear their stories. I personally think of my relapses as every time BEFORE I ever walked into a GA room when I would swear to myself that I would never gamble again and then find myself there a day or two later. Nothing could stop me from my addiction - only my recovery (consisting of GA and intensive counseling) helped me stop. I am proud that once I stepped foot in a GA room, and actually since just before the world came crashing down on me in May, 2008, I have not placed a single bet.

Recently, a sponsee of mine had a major gambling relapse and decided that she would not come back to GA. I guess she did not have the guts to let me know, as I learned it through a third party who she knew would let me know. She was working on her 4th step, which we were supposed to go over very soon and we were trying to schedule a financial pressure relief. I am not mad at her. I could never be angry at anyone in GA who relapses. Addiction is so overwhelming and hard for people who are not getting the care they need to overcome it. I knew when I walked in my first GA room that I either needed to quit or my only other option was death. I was that desperate. I think it is harder for people who are not at that level of desperation. Losing a house, their spouse, their job, their savings, whatever, may not be enough. Some people in the GA meetings haven't even gotten that far. They are the lucky ones who admitted they had a problem well before the progression went as far as it could. Staying away from gambling for them, though, I think is harder. I don't know, though, it's just my hypothesis. For those I know that were as desperate as me, we seemed to have less relapses after coming into the program. I hate to think that for most people you have to be that desperate to be successful! At least I do know of some people who never relapsed that never had it as bad as me...

Anyway, I have a new sponsee, and I am excited to start working with her. I am honored that she approached me to be one of her Sponsors. I say "one of" because sometimes people have more than one sponsor in the program and that's okay! She's had a sponsor in the program, but feels like she needs something different. So, we are starting back at step 1 and I gave her the book put out by the International Office of GA. She looked at it with a blank face - not knowing that the International GA office put out books on the steps. I follow the GA way of doing things. This is going to be a different experience for her. I really like who she is too. That's always good when a Sponsor and a Sponsee get along in terms of energy and personalities. I know I have a lot of my plate these days, but none of it would exist without my being in recovery and the GA program. So, when a nice woman asked me to be her Sponsor, I took a brief moment and thought about the time commitment and asked her some questions around expectations, and I said, "yes." This is what being in recovery is all about.

Crime Does Not Exist

I made it as far as the top paragraph of the first page of my criminal theory book before I picked up my phone and started typing this.  It is the quote at the top that I read. Read again. And again. I just need to share it here with all of you:

"Crime does not exist. Only acts exist, acts often given different meanings within various social frameworks. Acts and the meanings given to them are our data. Our challenge is to follow the destiny of acts through the universe of meanings. Particularly, what are the social conditions that encourage or prevent giving the acts the meaning of being crime" (Christie, 2004, p.3)

Welcome to my second semester of my criminal justice program! Classes started today. I have just a one hour seminar on Mondays and work before and after it. Tomorrow starts my first big new class- theory. I get to learn all the reasons why experts "believe" crime is committed. I'm actually really looking forward to the class and Professor!

Wednesdays, I have quantitative methods - better known as statistics. I could've likely fought to be excused from the course, since I've already taken and passed a doctoral level stats course. I don't feel as confident in stats as I want to be, though, so I'll plow forward through more beginner graduate stats happily. Plus, we get to play with statistical software!!! Fun graphs!!! I'm such a geek!

My final semester course is entirely online. It's been a while since I've taken an all online course and I usually don't prefer them. The professor seems pretty great, though, and they are doing me a favor letting me take the course online rather than forcing me to wait til it's offered on campus next fall. The online courses are usually just for the online students. It was fascinating today with everyone's intros. People are in the class from everywhere in the U.S.

I'm pretty excited for the semester. I feel much more ready to start it than I was last semester- when I wasn't even sure if I was allowed to attend til the day before classes. It's taken some time reflecting to realize that I need to be okay that it wasn't the best semester of my life - I was really carrying a lot of stress and only a couple months post-incarceration.

No excuses for this semester, though. I signed up for this and I want this. So, I better put my all into it! Back to reading chapter one... And considering all the contexts in which we decide what acts are given the meaning of being crimes.

70,000 Page Hits

Sometimes I wonder how many people stumble across this blog and are like "that's not what I was looking for..." and quickly leave never to return. 70,000 page hits over 18 months for a blog is not something that makes a blog a stand-out, but it is certainly special to me! The very fact that anyone would want to return to here and be updated on my life is quite amazing to me. I really am just a normal, everyday person doing normal, everyday things. I just happen to write about them.

I say "normal" because I think far too many people think it extraordinary when someone who has been incarcerated and wears that big F on their forehead (FELON) can make it in society. It shouldn't be extraordinary. That should be the norm. Once someone has done their time they "should" be able to still function - right???

I actually don't like the word "normal," I mean by who's definition? I prefer "healthy" or something like that. My GA program's second step has "return us to a normal way of thinking and living" as part of it. I really like to think of that as a healthy way of thinking and living.

It is so difficult to think healthy while incarcerated. We are surrounded by everything that is unhealthy and not in our best interest. How can we best help those who are incarcerated to be able to develop healthy lives on the outside? Think of defining the term "healthy" broadly - not just about body - but about where we live, how we live, who we live with, etc.

I have not mastered the healthy way of thinking and living. I do my best. Progress, not perfection. Last night I think I had an "oh my god, I'm taking on too much over the next six months" breakdown. It was short-lived. I let it out. I slept good. Whew.

I guess that's actually part of a healthy lifestyle - having stress, letting it go. So is this, keeping up with my blog. At least on my end. Maybe for some of you, it's part of yours to read it. I won't pretend to know why. I will just thank you from the bottom of my heart for choosing to spend part of your day with me. It means so much to me! Yay to my readers whether you stumble here and say, "whoa, not for me," or stick around for awhile. It means the world to me!!