8 Years

Mother's Day, 2016. This week marked my 8th anniversary of my "Devine intervention" - my last gamble, getting caught, coming clean with the people around me and myself, stopping my impending suicide, and beginning the path that would start my road to recovery. My life has certainly moved forward a long way, looking back I was in a place of believing myself "broken" and beyond repair. I was unlovable, never good enough, and undeserving of anything and everything in my life (these things I believed). I could not see past my own issues of addiction, shame, guilt, and fear to fully experience anything in my life.

Today, my life is full of wonder and awe. I live in confidence, love, honesty, openness, willingness, peace, and much more happiness. I am married and surrounded by young people. I give back to my community and do my best to do so without expectation of anything in return. I am forgiving. I seek forgiveness when necessary without expectation of forgiveness in return. I try to make healthy choices of mind, body, and spirit.

I make amends for my past in various ways both public and private. I speak openly as a felon and of my crime and those I hurt. I do not hide from my past, as perhaps I can help open minds and educate others. I take my recovery seriously and continue in my recovery knowing that no one is ever cured of addiction and that we must always be there for the new people who walk into our rooms. I give back by taking leadership through participation in Gambler's Anonymous intergroup and helping with area rooms and conferences. I make my monthly reports to my Probation Officer, showing that I have not gambled, have not done anything in violation of my supervision and that I am doing everything I can to ensure I would not find myself in the position to commit an addiction motivated crime again.

I rebuild relationships with those I hurt as much as I can. Any chance I see anyone in person, my openness, honesty, and willingness to speak and ask forgiveness is usually accepted. Those that have chosen to not forgive me, I will never give up trying to make amends to. I shall carry their names with me and if/when the time comes, I shall ask again. It will always be up to them.

I pay my restitution every month. Some months are harder than others to honestly meet the 10% of income threshold. We have 3 college students in our household and our finances are tight. It is a priority payment, though, and it is paid. It is something I do not just because I am told I must, but because it is a very real reminder of where just one gambling bet could take me. I do not have urges to gamble, but if I ever did, I just need to remember that I already have 10% of my income going out because of gambling, I certainly do not need more (besides violations of my supervision, etc.). I could not imagine anything taking me back to gambling, yet 95% of people who start recovery, do go back out. I guess I am fortunate to not have had a relapse (knock on wood). I surrendered to recovery and GA the minute I walked into the door. I knew I had a problem and wanted to find a way to stop. It was no longer fun - I just could not stop. GA gave me a way, as long as I was willing to sit and listen to those who stood in my shoes before me. Crazy to think I am now one of those people who helps the new person now.

Things have not been all roses. I have been sick for months. This academic semester brought with it the Norovirus and several additional infections over a period of time. I've had bronchitis for over 1 1/2 months. One thing seems to get better and the next hits me. My docs have me off all my meds for my chronic health issues in hopes that my body could fight off the infections, but it has not been helping, so my pain and fatigue levels have gone up. It's been very difficult and I was not able to finish my thesis this semester due to my health. I now have a goal of June. The stress of everything with fighting the school appeared to make it all a bit worst.

However, I am alive. I have a job I love. I am looking forward to classes that will challenge and enlighten me. I have an incredible family. I will get off supervision in 2016. I am loved. I am good enough. I deserve the good that happens in my life. What a difference 8 years makes!

I do want to put a shout out to all the Mom's in Carswell or incarcerated anywhere. I remember that day well. It is a very hard day for Mothers. Be good to your Mom today. Happy Mother's Day!

Six Years

Today marks my six year GA anniversary. It was also my first GA meeting since before I went to prison. It was a great meeting and I was happy to hear a lot of recovery in the room. Giving my therapy, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

A lot of people get some clean time in and then they choose to stop going to meetings. Their lives get busy, they have money again, they believe they can stay clean on their own. Too often, we see them walk back into a meeting weeks, months, or years later. They are once again devastated by their addiction and need help. I've never seen anyone walk into a GA meeting and say, "you all were wrong, I went back out and it was great!" The first gamble to a compulsive gambler is like the first drink to an alcoholic. There is no good that comes out of it.

Also, it's those with a decent amount of recovery time that are so important to newbies who need to hear our stories of recovery, have us to sponsor them, and guide them through the steps. Those who were already in the program helped us and we now pay it forward to those that are new. I gave my contact info to two people who requested it. That's what we do.

There's also no magic time when you should start recovery. Some are successful early after discovering they have a problem, others have to face dire consequences to their addiction. As a rabbi once said in her sermon, "you never reach rock bottom, you just stop digging." The only real rock bottom is death and I pray most will find recovery before that extreme consequence.

Sporty and I have decided to start a new GA meeting in the area. It will start in 1 1/2 weeks. We've successfully helped start two others that are strong today (where we used to live), so we hope this new meeting here, on a night that had no local meeting) will be successful.

I never thought I'd connect with a 12 step program. I also never really understood what it was. At first, it can be very intimidating, but if you keep going back, it becomes comfortable and safe. If you struggle with an addiction, give yourself the gift of recovery. Will power alone doesn't work in the long term.

I gambled for 14 1/2 years, so 6 years of recovery is still nothing compared to my loss of such a long amount of time gambling. I plan to keep going to meetings for the rest of my life, sponsor others, rework the steps, and know that if ever I am in need of a friend, all I need to do is call someone else in recovery or go to a meeting. Yes, it's that simple.