Nervous

I want to write that I got this and I'm holding my head up high and can take on the world. Reality is that I'm totally nervous. I'm sitting on the first floor of my school of education building waiting to meet with a professor I don't know and tell her my whole story in hopes she will support me joining her department... Even though the department works collaboratively with my old department a lot. It's a good match for my interests, but I can't help but feel like I'm sitting somewhere I'm not wanted.

A professor I took a class with, and even traveled overseas with, walked by a bit ago. He saw me, I saw him, so I said, "hi," and he said, "how are you," and I said, "good, thanks," with a smile on my face. He kept walking and I kept sitting, but my stomach dropped. If the department doesn't know I'm back in town yet, they will now. It's okay, just everything makes me nervous.

I actually don't care what they think of me. In fact, I look so much better than the last time they saw me. Plus I'm more confident in a good way. This place just used to feel like home to me, I pray it will again.

In order to not get stuck in my head, I walked next store and found T.S. having lunch. It was my first time ever bumping into her on campus, as I was gone her whole freshman year. She sat, talked to me and hugged me when I headed back to the school of Ed. She took the parent role for that minute. 

I need to concentrate on all the good in my life and get my head away from the "what ifs."I know, easier said than done. Entirely possible, though. I just have to remember, no one gets to tell me that I don't deserve my education! I'm here to move forward, not stare at my past. This is a perfect time for the serenity prayer.

SERENITY, ACCEPTANCE, COURAGE, WISDOM

13 Days

My days ahead are packed beyond belief and my list of things to do continues to grow, even as I accomplish things every day new things come up (return Internet modem to UPS for shipping; send thank you card to ___; add ___ to my list of 30; have discussion with gossips; etc). It is still important that I'm putting all of these down or I will forget some. 

Included on my list today are to write and mail myself letters of things I want to have in prison. On the outside of the envelope(s) I have to write, "SAVE FOR REPORT DATE 8/19/2013." Inside one or more envelopes will be my list of 30 (30 names and addresses and telephone numbers for my phone privileges); another list with all my family/friends' names, addresses, emails, and/or bdays. So I can fill out to visitation request form, write people, and so I can use the prison links email system. I will also bring a copy of these with me and have my friend hold a copy just in case. 

I will also mail myself a handful of photos. I will only send myself photos I have digitally, in case I never receive them. I don't want to send in too many, in case my friends send me some, as we do have restrictions, but there are some people I must have photos of, like my T.S. and another with a group of women I am close to.

I may have 13 days til self surrender, but I have only 4 days til my move (out of an apartment I love); 8 days til my last day of work (for now); and 11 days til I fly down to Texas.

At least I know I face none of this alone. I also say the serenity prayer a lot when things get difficult. You've probably heard it, but it goes:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The serenity prayer could not be more applicable to those of us facing incarceration. We must have acceptance, as we cannot change that fact. We must have courage to adequately prepare ourselves and change ourselves to ensure we NEVER have to go to prison again! We must have wisdom to not misplace our efforts on those things that we can't change and instead, work on ourselves. We cannot change people, places, or things. What we can change is us, how we think, react, our emotions, our education, our goals, etc. 

A wise person told me that time in prison can go two ways. It can perpetuate the person and choices that got you incarcerated or it can be an opportunity to spend some time with yourself changing, exploring, and growing.