Happy :-)

Letter to Survivor 3-21-2014

Survivor [HAPPY STICKER],

I put “happy” because I am. I wonder if you can feel my smile all the way there, it’s warm enough to even melt your snow. My exit summary is complete and my papers are being mailed to my region on Monday to request my home confinement. May 28^th, 65 days and a wake-up….I can do that!

It’ll be the perfect time of year. I may be having to stay indoors during home confinement, depending on my probation requirements, but it will be nice weather and my windows can let in fresh air! Hope will be ready to be ridden. With all the students heading home earlier in May, some jobs may be available as well. My future starts in May J

I miss you sooo much. It’s been 7 months since you dropped me off in the parking lot. My emotions were on hold, as I walked to the truck to begin the 5-minute ride across base to the prison. Shock was all I felt for days. I want to help ensure less of us ever have to go through this experience. Prison is not the answer for non-violent addicts. I need to help build the alternative, be part of the solution.

I started writing, I think a book. It wasn’t intentional. I couldn’t sleep a couple nights ago and at 4am, it all just spewed out of me, my Prologue. I’ve had 4 people read it. They say they want “more.” I want it to read like a novel, even though it’s non-fiction. I think it achieves that and draws in readers. I’m writing it long-hand, of course, but I’m just inspired to give a message of hope to others. I’m putting out to the Universe that I’m going to publish with a major publisher, and try to be on Oprah’s Book Club choice. Why not? Ha!...

I love you, Dragonfly J

Getting Past Our Anger

When I was first accused of embezzlement at my former employer's business I was angry. The stories that were being told about me were not the truth. Since I was never "asked questions," the people in my life put together their own realities of what they believe must have been true. In most cases, their stories do not even come close to the truth. Lawyers told me that I should not go public with my story as the proper advice to any potential criminal defendant is to stay silent, so I did. My truth never fully being able to be told.

A couple weeks ago, at my sentencing, I listened to some of my former mentors and friends speak their "personal truths" to the judge. I realized at that moment that these made up stories are the stories they must tell themselves to protect themselves. For them, it just would not make sense a woman they loved and trusted to do something this bad. If I had such a bad addiction, wouldn't they know it? But they did, they just didn't know what the signs were. Most people don't. So, in reality, these made up false stories are just as real to the people we hurt or to the court as the truth is for us. There is no way to prove absolute truth when witnesses are involved. 

Anyway, earlier today, a woman reached out to me and seemed angry about the prison time she is looking at and was telling me about her crime and the reasons for it. This was my response:

"As for the crime and punishment, I am going to propose something that may be nearly impossible to do. Acceptance. A while ago I had to realize that in order for me to move forward with my life, I had to let go of the fact that no one would ever believe or fully understand my Truth versus the story the prosecutor was telling. I was found guilty of 30% truth and 70% made up stories that people thought were true. But since 30% was true, it really didn't matter that the rest was false. For me, I needed money and I had my employers debit card - enough said. It really does not matter why I thought it was legitimate to withdraw the money because the act itself was illegal. If you can come to acceptance about your "act" being illegal regardless of the reasons behind why you did it, the peace will help you get through this. Carrying the anger can't be helping you as you face something as scary as we are."

Sometimes, I am able to see the growth my recovery program has given me. Acceptance is certainly one of them.