So, I presented on you again. You being this blog, this experience, this time of my life that now feels forever ago. I am at an academic conference in Mexico City. Had I not gotten off probation early, I would not be here, as I would not have been allowed to apply for a new passport or travel internationally until after July 2nd. Today's presentation was on Collective Efficacy in a Women's (prison) Medical Center. It stemmed from my thesis. I presented with the most remarkable panel of scholars and felt inadequate. I received very positive feedback, though, and was once again encouraged to get this published (academic journals). It's interesting how unique people think my scholarship in this area is, when in fact thousands of women experience what I did on a daily basis and could write this as well. The truth, though, is that few scholarly articles really reflect the realities of life in a women's prison (especially federal and almost nothing on medical facilities). If my writing could help change correctional policy for even one woman, it's all worth it!!
I feel very grateful that I found the way to maintain this blog while in prison. The ability to read some of my experiences really puts any turmoils I currently have in perspective. I mean, if I could survive Carswell, I could survive anything, right?!? I recently celebrated 9 years of being clean from gambling and GA recovery. I went to dinner with two women from my GA group and it was perfect. Fellowship is one of the most important parts of recovery for me.
Here in Mexico, I've felt very alone. I did not travel with anyone here, and I find myself always having difficulty with networking. In fact, today was the first real meal I had with someone (5 days here) and it was a fascinating person who was on the same conference panel as me. Just that one lunch, made me feel so much better. I even went to 2 group conference activities earlier in the week and fails to talk with anyone. I'm like the most introverted extrovert you ever met!
I thank god, though, that even though I was alone all week, I still work a strong program of recovery. It turned out the Airbnb I was staying at was less than a block from a Mexico City casino. I haven't been that close to a casino in years. In our program we know that "caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances" anyone could relapse and gamble again. It's continued attendance and service in GA that helps us be able to make healthier choices. So, I never once even considered entering that casino - even though no one would ever know. For me, just one bet would take me right back to the person I was over 9 years ago. I never, ever, want to be that person, that addict, again. Having paid the huge consequence of being in prison and having a felony for the rest of my life is a constant reminder how low my life could get if I ever placed that first bet.
I learned today that one of my sponsees was just sentenced to about 21 days in jail. She has faced incredible public backlash for her financial crime related to her addiction to gambling. Without that backlash, the prosecutor was recommending probation only. Due to public outcry, she will spend 3 weeks in jail. It may sound insignificant that it is "only" 3 weeks, but I remember feeling that Kay one day was too much! If you read my first 3 weeks in prison, it was overwhelming and fearful. I can only send her prayers and hope she knows I'm thinking of her, because as of right now I do not know where she's been placed. Once I do, I will write to her and visit her when I return to the U.S. from Mexico. I know she read some of this blog prior to sentencing and I can only hope it gave her some insight into the fact that in the end, things will be okay! I just wish I could give her a huge hug right now! Instead I will ask all of you to send her your prayers, and I will give her the pseudonym Peace, because that is what I wish for her!!
I also received news that my first cousin is in hospice. She's barely 50 years old. She's a lovely person too. Cancer :-(. I always had these intentions to spend more time with her and she did me. We always said we'd visit one another, and meant it. Life got in the way. Never let life get in the way of spending precious time with important people. You never know when they may leave your life too soon. One thing I know, though, is she will be one of those dragonflies that Survivor always tells me about - those who have passed and look out for you after. She will be a beautiful dragonfly! I hope to see her before she goes. I want to share one significant experience I had with her. When I was 9 years old, and she was already a young adult, she took me to see E.T. It was the first time we spent time together just the two of us. It was also one of the first times I saw a movie without my immediate family. I fell in love with E.T. and had such an amazing day with my cousin that I still remember it 35 years later. She was one of the first people who talked to me like I mattered. I was more than just a kid, but I had thoughts and she wanted to hear them. Please also send your prayers to her, and I'll call her Drew because Drew Barrymore was so amazing in E.T.!
I'm still not sure as to the purpose of my writing in this blog these days. I hate to fully let it go, though. There have been times when this blog was my best friend and gave me purpose. I could not have survived prison in the way I did, without this outlet and connection to others. It does not get a lot of readers these days, although we did recently surpass 100,000 page views!! Thank you!!! Without readers, this would merely be a diary. I hope I continue to find ways to enlighten, provide humor, and help those that are facing what feels like the end of the world as they know it - prison!
