Monthly Report

There is a required report each month that goes to probation. It's a requirement that it be completed the first few days of the month, although I was warned that sometimes the system crashes. Every person on federal supervision trying to do their report at the same time, that's a lot of server traffic!

Since my supervision started July 2nd, I completed my first report this evening. It was clear skies throughout my reporting - waiting til night is probably a good choice. What was not a good choice, though, was my unprepared self trying to answer detailed questions about all my finances this month. I checked the box, "follow up with my probation officer" on nearly every question. I now remember my PO telling me to track every expense, but I didn't. I tracked the big stuff and my regular bills, but I didn't track every time I bought gasoline or what I spent eating out at a restaurant. I carried a small amount of cash with me and I did not track where every penny went. How many times did I ride the public bus for $0.60/ride? What about when I pooled my money with others and then paid for a meal? Do I report the full amount that I used my debit for, or just the amount I actually paid? I lived within my budget, but I did not track my expenses in the way I need to.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to carry a small pad of paper with me everywhere. I will track all my expenses there. Early in G.A., I did something similar in order to learn to live on a real budget. Now, I have the duty to report everything to the Feds every month and I don't want any red flags on my file. I did the best I could for July, I guess that's all I can do now. 

It's been easy to forget the supervision reporting requirement since everything was given to me at a meeting a month ago and never revisited. Today was a wake-up call, though, that I need to get my act together. Maybe with the need to record every penny spent, I will be motivated to spend less. It's not like I've had the money to go crazy, but knowing I need to justify purchases should help me stay closer to needs over wants.

I will not complain about the reporting rules, though. It's such a small requirement compared to incarceration. I need to remember that I'm still not quite free, even when it feels as if I am. Some day I'll have true financial freedom. Until then, though, I will track expenses and report in as instructed.

A Felony is a Felony

My university informed me that I need to submit the court documents related to my felony in order for them to make a final admissions decision. Since everything I read stated that it's the department that makes graduate admission decisions, I asked what the official university policy was on admittance of students with past felonies. The woman I was talking to said, "it goes before a committee... We need to make sure there's no threat of harm to the university or students." 

I responded, "it was a nonviolent felony."

She responded, "a felony is a felony," in a rather accusatory way.

I need to disagree - a felony is not just a felony. There are class A, B, and C felonies. There are violent and non-violent crimes. There are repeat offenders and first time offenders. There are juvenile offenders and adult offenders. A felony is NOT just a felony!!

It takes me back to my time at Carswell when C.O.'s made statements like, "you all lie." Just because some people lie, doesn't mean we all do. Just because some people break the rules, doesn't mean we all will. Life is not black vs. white - there's a whole lot of grey in the middle!

So, I'm going to gather the documents...

Ten hours later... I'm now finishing this blog post. I had all the documents I needed to send on my computer except for my release paper which I scanned and added to my electronic legal file. I decided to send my PSR/PSI, the court judgment, and my release paper. There is no list of what I need to provide, so I figured that would be the most balanced of items to send.

With the documents, I sent an email that listed three professionals - two from the university and my PO, that they could speak with if they need to. I have nothing to hide and I want them to see that people in the university are supporting my application.

I also sent the statement, "I hope to be able to officially be enrolled soon. Thank you!!" I wanted to keep the email positive, even though she'd made it clear that not only is a felony a felony, but a felon is a felon in her mind. Without knowing anything about me, she decided I was the same as John Wayne Gacy, Susan Smith, Ted Bundy, and Lizzie Borden.

I emailed the documents to her at 2:30 this afternoon, and I like to think that she chose to look through them before her response at 4pm which said, "Thank you for sending this information so quickly!  I will see that someone reviews this on Monday, I will let you know when I hear something." Quite a change of attitude from our phone conversation earlier. Also, she put, "Best," as the salutation. I hope she realizes she was wishing the best to a real live felon!!!

I could have really talked back to the woman earlier on the phone. I could have shown anger and become belligerent from her judgment. Instead, I hope I chose the higher road, and just maybe, showed this woman that a felon is not just a felon; and a felony is not just a felony.

Probation Flies In

Yesterday afternoon, I talked with my PO and he asked me when I would be home today. I'd always thought that he would just "show up," but he actually set a time with me to come by my home. Well, okay.

This afternoon, he came by with another officer, a woman, who was introduced to me and I immediately forgot her name. I do that a lot. Immediately, my PO says that they do not have a lot of time, so I should take them on a tour of my home.

Superdog was in the basement, since my PO told me that I must keep my dog away from the officers. However, they asked to start the tour with the basement. Superdog is an incredibly well trained dog - does therapy in nursing homes - yet the officers immediately backed away from her and told me to grab her collar and lock her in somewhere. I selected the half bath - poor Superdog had no idea why I was forcing her into a bathroom.

My PO used a flashlight as we moved around the house. It was daylight and I turned on lights as we went from room to room, but I guess he was cool looking like the officers on law and order or CSI. I always wondered why they didn't turn lights on when walking into a crime scene. Not that there's any crime scene at my home. The worst thing he saw was unmade beds and a pile of laundry. 

The place most thoroughly checked was my closet, but more to say that it was really a long closet than to see what was in there (clothes, hangers, bags...). Even the nearly silent female officer made a comment about the long closet. Glad they showed some interest in my place.

I talked to my PO for about ten seconds about what's going on with school, and he said to mention that he will gladly talk to them if they want. I need to fill out a release of information, of course. He also told me to bring a tracking sheet to all my GA meetings, even though the sheet is AA/NA - they really don't prepare for other 12-step programs.

Less than ten minutes later, the officers were heading out the door. I spoke to them with respect and manners. I called him, "Sir," and told her that "it was nice to meet you." I wasn't even thinking about who these individuals are and the power they currently have over me. A small mis-step and I could be headed back to Carswell. 

I am not a danger to anyone. I think my PO knows it. On his voicemail he ends with, "have a drug-free day." Unless he's talking about methotrexate and enbrel, I don't think he's referring to me. I don't know if everyone just gets fly-by stops that are scheduled by their PO's or if they have more frequent interaction, but I'm great with how today went. Maybe next time he schedules a stop, I'll have tea and crumpets waiting (although I don't think he's allowed to accept any food or beverages from a client).

My Civic Duty

When I first realized I'd have a felony, I immediately looked up if that meant I could no longer vote. It turns out every state has it's own rules. Luckily, at some point in the future, I will have the right to vote. Some states forbid felons from voting for life. In how many ways are felons marginalized in their lives? Is my vote not acceptable because I broke the law in the past?

There are few civic duties in being in the USA. The most important is voting. Another is the duty to serve on a jury. Yesterday, I received my first summons since moving to this state. On August 25th I am to show up at the state courthouse. Before going, though, there is a questionnaire that must be filled out within ten days. They mailed the paper form, but I could answer the questions online instead. Something told me that this wasn't going to go well... The questions included:

and

I decided to do some research before filling out the form online. Research showed that jurors cannot have a past felony. In this state, I am barred from ever serving on a jury. In the past it was my law degree that would keep me from being selected for a jury, now I can't even get that far in the process.

I filled out the online questions and immediately, the result was, "Disqualified. You are not expected to show up at the courthouse." The thing is, I would love to do my civil duty and sit on a jury. Of course, in my future, my phd in criminal justice may also keep me from ever serving regardless of what state I live in.

Some people may actually think I'm lucky to be able to "avoid" jury service. I believe the opportunity to have a 'jury of your peers,' is very important - even if our broken system does not result in a real diversity of our peers. In truth, it's a duty everyone should be honored to do. Sure there isn't much pay, but you are ensuring our justice system can work to the best of its ability. 

Since I retain my right to vote, I may look for opportunities to vote on stopping the lifelong marginalization of ex-felons. There are a lot of good people with mistakes in their past. I'd prefer to have people who have overcome their past on a jury, than someone who has never known the reality of inner change.

Nothing is Quite that Easy

My criminal justice program admission email with letter came on July 18th. Since that time, I've gone into my online account with the University to try to register my courses several times. It just keeps saying that I have no enrollment status for next year. There is a process in getting admitted to the University in a grad school program. First, the graduate program recommends you for admission (that's the notice I received on the 18th), and then multiple offices complete their parts so that you can officially enroll and register for courses. So, a bit of a wait is always there, but something was telling me that I should have heard something by now, so I called.

I started with the registrar's office. It seemed like the right place to ask about my enrollment, but they sent me down to admissions. I talked with two different women in admissions, and I finally received my answer, "you answered 'yes' to the application questions about having a felony, so we are doing research around that..." I guess some felons are allowed to attend and others are not. I know many people who have successfully entered college with a felony or serious misdemeanor. I am just to sit and wait patiently for the process to unfold. It is what it is.

I do not for a moment think that I will be denied admission at this point. What gets me is that there is no policy that I can find by the University that states why a student, already admitted by the department, could be denied admission by the University. Everywhere it states, "admission decisions are made by the graduate department." If there is a policy around having a criminal background when applying, I think they should make it clear to all applicants, or at least those that answer "yes" on their application. It's an online application, so no harm in having a little box come up with whatever policy they use.

Well, I know I will officially be starting my studies in less than a month. I know that I will be registering for my courses soon enough. I know that it is absolutely OKAY that the University chooses to follow-up on the background of any student applicant who says, "yes," to a felony. It's yet just one more hoop those of us with criminal backgrounds have to jump through. One would think that my calf muscles would be huge given all the hoop jumping I've had to do this year.

I was proud of myself, though, when talking with the woman in admissions who informed me that I am going through a background check. I had no fear in admitting that I am a felon and in asking if it automatically disqualifies me from admission (it does not). The ability to talk about the truth of my past in a straight forward and non-embarrassed way will be very important as I face the continued road blocks toward my dreams and goals. I must always accept that people will not necessarily understand or accept me and my past. Such is true for many people even without a criminal history.

I think it's important that I write about these issues, as a balance to the fact that I am feeling pretty good about how my life is going. A set-back is not defeat. Defeat is not a dead end. No matter what happens at this point with my University, I know that it will all work out. I just read an appropriate quote last night:

On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good.

I don't know who wrote it, but it's very true. We all have bad days or receive bad news now and then. We will all get past it - we always do.

In the meantime, I am planning my school year and just waiting for that official admissions email informing me that I can register for my fall and spring courses. It will come. Perhaps not on my timeline. But, it will come.

Two Months Out

I left Carswell two months ago today. It feels like forever ago. I can't believe how fast I got acclimated to life on the outside. I'm lucky that I wasn't incarcerated very long and didn't have to get used to the fast changing world. I'd say I'm right back where I was with technology, my biggest difference from where I was before I was incarcerated is that I watch less television. However, Sporty was just given a 60" television, which gets put up on Wednesday, so that may change everything!!! I thought I would want to come home and catch up on all my missed shows, but I spend my time doing other things - walking SuperDog, volunteering, relaxing, reading, preparing to go back to school, taking short road trips, connecting with friends, working out, and eating way too much food! Maybe the food part is a bit too much like life before Carswell!!!

The good thing, though, is that I've done my best to keep active. I found that Comcast offers a lot of fitness videos for free. I have done many of them and enjoyed the variety of choices. I was missing the workouts I did at Carswell to Jillian Michaels for beginners, though. It consists of two dvd's - one is the frontside and one the backside, but I was physically able to do almost all the exercises and I loved the way I felt doing it. Freckles and I both stated that we would purchase the set and keep doing  the workouts as part of our routines.

Turns out that the workouts I was doing via Comcast fitness were good, but not as good. I finally purchased the Jillian Michaels videos and did the frontside yesterday and the backside today and let me tell you, I'm feeling it!! These last two months have not been good on my staying conditioned. I wear a fitbit flex and do what I can to reach 10,000 steps every day (many days I get to only 7,000 or so). I take Superdog on walks. I do the workouts on Comcast. However, nothing works me as hard as that Biggest Loser coach. So, I'm going to keep doing her workouts and I guess I'll carry that little bit of FMC Carswell with me into the future.

In other news, I am officially getting my car back from my parents. Since I will start earning some money in August, I will be taking back my car. It will be nice not having to depend on others all the time for rides. I was also re-approved for my handicap parking permit. While I am fully capable of getting around with traditional parking right now, in fact I chose to walk up and down two floors of stairs at school today, when the weather starts to turn, I will need to have a close parking spot. My body and icy sidewalks don't do well together. I will challenge myself to only use the permit when I need to, and to walk the distance when I am capable of doing so. I think Jillian Michaels and Freckles would approve of that decision.

I was talking with Survivor earlier today and I could only admit that I'm still amazed at how things are coming together in my life. It was so easy while in Carswell to only imagine the worst things happening. No one tells you that it is possible to have life turn out okay after incarceration. They only tell you how hard it will be. If you believe them, then inevitably, your life will be hard. We are able to  cause our own destruction by our negative thinking. We are also able to cause our own success by positive thoughts. We need more stories - more evidence - of what helps ex-prisoners find success after prison. I hope I can help find those characteristics that help people move forward through my research. Perhaps it will help build programs that can be alternatives to how prisoners are treated at the moment.

In the meantime, I suppose I will keep just moving forward and counting the days, weeks and months since my release. There's a strong part of me that knows I HAD to go through the FMC Carswell experience, so I can understand the value of everything in my life. I needed to go through it, so I could do something to make a difference for others. I needed the experience so I could continue to change myself. I'll be able to say that my crime did not and will not define my life. My incarceration did not and will not diminish my future.

Our Paths

Perhaps you've known your path all your life. You grew up knowing exactly what you wanted your life to be like, what career you would choose, and what experiences you would have. Okay, if anyone said, "yep, that's me!" You are not only lying to me, but you are lying to yourself. Life never exactly goes the way we thought it would. Life's path is not straight like a tree's trunk, it's the tree's branches with starting in one direction, veering to the right, then left, left again, going in that direction for a while, then another left, perhaps a u-turn or a large knot we need to get over, and a new path path begins.

Whenever I talk about my life, I always say that you would never know how I went from point A, to point B, to point X, to point T, but here I am, living proof that we need not decide what we are going to do for the rest of our life when we are 18 and just in college, or 22 in our first "real" job, or even 70 and retiring. Life happens. Life changes our paths. If you think about the most interesting people in our lives, it will usually be those who have vast experiences doing many different things and adventures over their lifetime. 

Sometimes our path veers through our own decisions. We go into a career or take a job we really do not enjoy and quit. We get married. We have children. We choose to move across the country. We change our major in college. We choose to commit a crime. We get a divorce. We travel to far away places. We retire.

Often, our paths veer due to things outside our control. We are fired from our job. We write a best-seller (wishful thinking). We are promoted into a leadership position. We experience the death of someone close to us. Our child moves out of the house. Floods. Tornados. Hurricanes. Car accidents. Prison. Friends come and go. Money woes. Stardom. Addiction. Theft. Mental illness. Chronic illness. Broken body parts. Aging. The list of those people, places, and things that are out of our control is endless - the only things we can control are ourselves and the choices we intentionally make.

I believe we do our youth an injustice when we tell them the path we believe they should be on or we tell them that at the age of 18 and entering college (if that is their path) that they must choose their career path for life. How many of us are doing what we thought we would be doing when we were 18 years old? Unless you are 18-19 right now, I imagine that no one reading this would raise their hand to that question. 

Yes, we all have our own paths, we all need to do today what we need to do in order to fulfill our goals at the time. We just need to add in the flexible and creative thinking that allows us to accept change when it comes, accept that sometimes we need to make change in order to find happiness, and that we need to encourage the people in our lives to chase dreams, allow for changes, accept success, move forward from failure, and be able to get over the large knots in our path. Looking back, our paths may not be a straight line, but we will have had the opportunity to try a lot of incredible things in our lifetime.

What brings all this up? T.S. is nervous that she wants to change her undergraduate major for the second time. She is entering her sophomore year. Did you know that the average undergrad changes their major formally or informally five times? It's normal to try new things, stick with some, and want to move away from others. It's also normal to have many interests and experiences that may lead us down paths we never considered before. If someone told me even ten years ago that I would be getting my doctorate degree, I would have laughed. If they told me it was in criminal justice, I would have fallen over in shock.

So, you find yourself unemployed, in a career you hate, with a child who can't stand you, in prison, divorced, lost, on a cruise ship that's broken down, homeless, famous, ill, broke, grieving, moving, getting married to the person of your dreams, being offered an opportunity that you never considered before, and then what???

No matter the ways our paths veer, it will be okay. We have our lives of successes and failures, adoration and heartache - and you will experience them all. Don't be afraid to allow your life to go down a new path. It may be for just a bit or it could lead to yet another knot or veer to the left. All you need to be able to do is come to acceptance and allow for change to make you the most interesting person in the room.