From Dragonfly: Survival of the Fittest

Being in prison has a brand new meaning to me of "survival of the fittest" - a good ole Darwinian explanation of how people and animals survive in a difficult world. I'm trying to gather the evidence of what makes someone "fit" for life at Carswell. I have only come up with a couple answers so far, but I thought I would share them.
1) A person must have strong self-esteem. I can honestly say that most of the women I come across here do not have that strong sense of who they are and the self-esteem to go along with it. They "act" strong, but they do not express themselves to be strong. They need to have the comfort of others to help them through this, rather than a confidence in themselves. They survive, but their actions to survive often include going against the rules.
2) A person must have good manners. Once again, many people I come across do not show themselves to have many manners. I often here people telling others what to do, without a single "please" or "thank you." I hear responses to the C.O.'s often with swears, rather than just acceptance that they got caught doing something wrong. I see people accidentally bump each other, without an "I'm sorry" or "excuse me." These issues bring people on edge of their aggression and fights break out. A little respect could go a long way, even if you do not feel it is always deserved.
3) A person must be able to sleep with sound and light. There is no true darkness and no true silence in prison. Period.
4) A person must stay connected with the outside world. There are way too many inmates who receive very few, if any, connections from the outside world (on email, phone, or snail mail). They see their entire existence as within the gates of the prison. They are unable to even imagine life beyond their daily existence here, especially if they've been inside for a long time. I recently met a woman who is going home in 6 months after 24 years in prison. She has never used a cellular phone. She has never used a debit card, has never seen a hybrid car, and never driven on a five lane highway. She says that her first trip outside of prison will be to see her first Wal-Mart.
5) A person must accept that they are not the center of this world. Things will not just be given to you. You work for nearly nothing. You wait in lines for nearly everything. Sometimes it appears unfair, many times it is unfair. It is what it is. If you need help, want an education, or have a specific medical issue, it can take months for it to be addressed. Don't be passive about it, but also realize that every person here has needs and there simply is not enough resources.
6) A person must realize that daily sustenance is different than nutrition. Main line meals average 2,500 calories a day. Too many for most inmates. If you eat everything put before you, you will gain wait and likely become less healthy. The food does not taste that great either. So, give yourself some limits. Make sure  you get enough protein, which is the hardest to get enough of here. Don't sustain yourself through just commissary purchases because they are all heavy fat and calories. Make smart choices and eat until full, not until your tray is clean.
7) A person must get comfortable with the unknown. Every day something new happens or some rule changes. I used to be able to get into a separate line for my meals, since they were Kosher and I didn't need to wait in the long line to get into the meals. Now, I have to wait in the long line, until I am in the dining hall, and then I split off. A different C.O. can change how count is done for them and then another puts you in a different place for count. Just go with all the rules and changes. You gain nothing by being difficult.
8) A person must respect the staff. The staff know who the trouble makers are. When something happens, they will act differently depending on who is involved. This is no different than in the outside world with a group of kids. If a person is a trouble maker, they will be listened to less often and with more skepticism. If you are kind and respectful to the staff, especially the C.O.'s, you will be treated with some respect back. I've seen it first hand.
9) A person must be comfortable seeking out their own job under different rules. If you do not want a job in the kitchen or working the grounds as a custodian, then seek out your own employment. Start right away. Ask questions of staff about how to get hired into their department. Do what they say. I started trying to get hired into Education from my second day here. Yesterday, I got offered the job of a tutor. I start work on Tuesday. I would not have been hired, had I not taken an algebra test first and then a week later, sought staff out again to see if I passed. They did not inform me one way or the other. It wasn't until I showed up that a staff member said, "we want to hire you." It was up to me to go back, not to be waiting to hear back. These rules are different from the real world. I was told I started Tuesday - with no idea of time, etc. I had to learn the times on my own. 7:30am-1pm. These are the realities of working in this prison.
10) A person must take time for them self. So important! Find time to just lay/sit on your bed and reflect, meditate, find peace within yourself. Every minute on the compound, we have to know our surroundings and follow rules that sometimes just don't make sense. Use any skills you have to find peace within yourself, even if you can't with your surroundings. I am going to seek out from education and/or religious services a place for quiet solitude for perhaps 1 hour every day or every couple days. A place to study my education books and have real quiet. I am not sure if this is possible, but if I don't seek it out, I will never get it.

There are many more items that go toward being the "fittest," but these are a good start. If you don't want prison to totally break you of who you are or make you too rough around the edges, remember that this is only TEMPORARY. It may be months or years, but one day, you will be outside those gates again and what kind of person you want to be on the outside, can also exist within the gates.

From Dragonfly: Kosher Fare Not So Fair

While I had done all that work in advance of my coming here to ensure my kosher meals, they had no record of it when I arrived. However, since I'd been insistent on it since day 1, they did give it to me temporarily and then I met with the Chaplain who asked me a bunch of questions about my religious needs and why I wanted a kosher meal. I was immediately put officially on the list. Here in prison, the kosher meal is actually referred to as "common fare." Many people, not just someone who is Jewish is on the diet - including many women who are Muslim. We wait the 40 minutes in meal line (that's the top amount, but there's always a line) and then when we get into the dining hall, we go to a different line for "medical diets." There, we sign a book and are given our kosher tray. There is a 5 week schedule for the "common fare." In total there are 15 different meals plus basic breakfasts. The 5 week schedule has the 15 meals spread out with only some consistencies - Friday night is meatloaf night. Saturday lunch is tuna. Saturday dinner is pb&j sandwiches. Any "hot" meals in the "common fare" are served in tv dinner type trays that are double wrapped by Glatt Kosher. We take our trays to a single microwave and have to heat up our own dinner with the wrapping still on it so everything cooks right. It takes about 6 minutes to heat up. With one microwave, we can wait in a new line for up to 18 minutes depending on how many folks with trays are in front of us. By the time my food is heated up and I sit down, South (the woman I usually go to eat with) has already gotten her food at the food line, sat down, and eaten her meal. South tries to eat slow, but sometimes they rush us off because there are just too many inmates here trying to get in - ergo the long entrance line.

The bigger issue, though, is actually what they serve. While there is a 15 meal rotation, I have only received 5 different meals in the last week and a half. They are "out" of all the other foods. So, I look at my menu each day, look forward to what it says if for a meal (hot dogs and franks, spaghetti and meatballs, veggie stuffed cabbage) and instead my tray comes out and on it is a can of sardines, 3 slices of bread, an apple, and sometimes a bag of chips. Sardines?!?!?! I do not like sardines. However, they are out of so many of the meals, that sardines is their regular meal replacement. I've been handed a tray with sardines 5x since arriving on the 19th. I have forgone my meal of sardines 5x as well. Often my meal consists of iceberg lettuce off the salad bar (all the salads are just iceberg lettuce, nothing more) and dressing. Yes, I am losing weight, but I am also lacking protein or proper nutrition.

Yesterday, I sent a "cop out" (request to staff) to the chaplain to talk about the Kosher fare. I explained that I simply cannot eat most of the meals and need to discuss options. I hope to hear back soon with a "call out" (appointment). Otherwise, I just may have to go to the main line. I can avoid foods I won't eat there and ensure I get veggies and protein. There are definite benefits to the Kosher meals - smaller portion sizes (more reasonable), fruit every meal, bread every meal, and of course the certainty that the food is made from the right products. However, if sardines are the choice, then I am not sure I have really have a choice!

In my opinion the Kosher fare is not exactly fair. Others love it. They love sardines. They love the fresh fruit. They don't mind the microwave line. They enjoy eating the same thing day after day. Two days ago, the main line had chef salads - real salads with tomatoes, onions, peppers, etc. I was given sardines. Since I get the kosher fare, I can not get the main line fare at all. So, with eyes wide open, I stared at everyone enjoying their chef salads and said to myself, "Okay, maybe this Kosher fare thing is just not for me." We will see.

A Letter on Sex and Gender in Prison

I wrote the following letter to Cache 10 days into my incarceration. This was based on observation and thoughts of what I was witnessing. It is not based on empirical research of women's experiences in prison.

8-29-13

Cache,

I was already planning on writing this note around sex and gender here before what just occurred, but it is even more relevant now. There is a counselor here, Ms. X, she is the counselor in the mental health unit. She is tough, very tough, but she is sweet, respects every inmate and most definitely wants the inmates going home to their babies! She just came to our 4pm count as tough as tough can be. Screaming at anyone who got out of line and establishing new rules for the count (now not just my room has to step outside the room, but every inmate does). After count, she has us all go downstairs for a “town hall meeting.” We all had to stand the whole time and my ankles were killing me. Anyway, she stands on a table and starts by dispelling all the rumors about the counselor in this unit (Mr. T) who has been gone 2 ½ weeks. People were spreading all kinds of bad rumors about why he’s been gone, when actually he is enjoying himself in Hawaii at the moment - rumors in this place spread, change and become something bad every time. Next, she goes into a speech she actually makes at orientation (so I heard it last week). The speech is about the fact that as women, as ladies, we (inmates) are disgracing ourselves with all the crazy relationships, sex and std’s that occur as a result. I’m not sure how those in relationships felt about it, but I, for one, greatly appreciated her telling folks to calm it down. She was/is much more graphic with her language (talking about licking women’s v-g’s, etc). Plain and simple, this is not about sexual orientation/preference, it is about the prison rules, the fact that there are many women here (including myself) who just want quiet and sleep at night. I kid you not that from my observations, a good 90% of the inmates I’ve been in contact with violate the relationship/sex rules. So, here’s my thoughts on why and what I see.

Most of the women do not arrive here claiming any sexual orientation other than heterosexual. But they also arrive lonely, ashamed, and filled with self-disgust and incredibly low self-esteem. When another woman starts to pay them attention, the attention they crave, they can escape their self-reflection and focus on someone else, anything else, but look at their own pain. The relationships are unhealthy from the get-go. I watched a young inmate get beat up by her “girlfriend” who is many years her elder here and hours later they were “back together” paying no attention to the bruised fat lip. What these women crave is attention, someone to tell them that they matter, that they are loved and lovable,…I see it in their eyes. I know the look, it was me before I actually started to work on myself, face my demons, and accept myself. I couldn’t be alone ever, before I was able to find my own worth. I wish this place helped more of these inmates find their own self-worth too.

There is also a gender reality here. All around I see individuals that I can say ‘appear’ to be transgender, their hair, way they carry themselves, etc is all male/masculine, just like the many trans people I’ve known through my life. But here, I don’t know if that is what it is. It may be playing the “stud” role, the self-identified lesbian who wants the ‘straight’ women to do the chase. And that’s what I do see, the feminine women chasing the bois (the very masculine women). Is this the same as a trans on the streets or is it prison play? I, honestly, do not know. And, I’m not referring to just a few bois. There are a lot of them, with perfectly barbered hair, possibly binding their breasts. Yet, being referred to by their given female name and called women. If they are in fact trans, the women’s underwear, bras, names, etc would break them, depress them. Trans bois become suicidal at times when they can’t truly express their gender. How is it in here? They are definitely safer here than at a men’s prison, and they seem to get their pick of women. I wonder how Ms. X’s speech sounded to them. Their real gender having to be put aside while here.

So, I’ve talked relationships and I’ve talked gender, now about sex, not the chromosomes, the act. Women have sex here, they do. They sneak around and take chances and act stupid. Sex will get you put in the SHU. It will take away your “good time” so you have to be here longer. Why on earth do they have sex? Just like teenagers, where emotional and mental maturity has not caught up, it is fun, exciting and risk taking. Other than us white collar offenders, most these women love risk in their lives. They ran the streets and snuck around all their lives. Now, why wouldn’t they do the same thing here, in prison, where they have no self-esteem to start with. Prison can be boring, but sneaking around and not getting caught is exciting. They have no regard for the others, having sex in a room while the roommates try to sleep but scared to tell. Having sex in showers, on toilets (not kidding) and in stair wells. Public places. Why? The risk. No one wants to walk in on 2 people having sex, or more people which happens too. But, common respect is not a part of the life here in prison. So many inmates disrespect their roommates, their C.O.’s, their counselors, and themselves!

I’m not trying to say I’m “better” than anyone here. But, I will follow the rules. I desire to keep to myself, respect others, and give back. Seeing young women beat by their “girlfriends” or the drama of who is dating whom actually breaks my heart. These young women need direction and help. Instead they are finding escape and risk in prison. What will they be like when they leave? The revolving door of prison exists because we fail to help these young women find direction.

Just my thoughts,

Thoughts??

Love, Dragonfly

P.S. A code for women who want to find another woman is to have your shorts pockets sticking out, like really? Look ridiculous to get picked up!

P.P.S. I keep thinking of more things to mention on this subject. A lot of the ‘relationships’ are based on $, those who have none in their commissary trying to get with someone who has $ and will purchase items for them. Like I said, it’s a game. The newbies are easy targets, assumed to have $ and support. Why do they allow themselves to be used in this way? Attention and low self-esteem.

From Dragonfly: Inspection!

Every week, each housing unit is inspected for cleanliness and following the rules. Are the beds made correctly? Is there dust on the window sill? Are the shoes properly lined up against the wall? Has the floor been swept and mopped? Are the bathrooms clean? Have the showers been scrubbed? Are the trash cans emptied? There are a lot of items they look at. Yesterday, I was in my room laying down when suddenly I heard a loud scream, "inspection!!!" Everyone in the unit jumped to their feet and started to clean and ensure that everything was exactly as it should be. The benefits of being one of the cleaner units is that the unit is called to meals quicker - getting to commissary quicker, etc. Units are called in the order of their prior week's cleanliness. If your room is one of the reasons the unit loses points, the residents of that room are given extra duty - cleaning not only their room, but throughout the unit. Every night, there are women cleaning the walls, windows, floors, tables, etc. My room has a disadvantage - more people = more mess. There are only two rooms in the entire place with more than 4 inmates and I happen to be in one of them. Of course, this resulted in, yet, another argument. Thank goodness it was not put towards me this time. I don't even think it was about the cleaning. It was about politics, I think (I was writing at the time on my bunk and trying to ignore everyone and everything around me). Anyway, one woman starts screaming at the other woman and next thing you know one has stripped down to her bra and the two of them are about to box. I walked out of the room. That is what I do when people are being angry or unreasonable, I take myself out of the situation. I wish more people around here would do that. The two women had to go to the Lieutenants office for talking before an actual fight broke out. The sad thing about the situation is that the 5 of us remaining in the room at the time were like, "okay, they have better mattresses...," if they go to the SHU, who gets what mattress. Priorities in prison are about comfort and access to the better things. Neither was sent to the SHU - no one gets a fancy mattress. I decided that the best mattress should go to a woman in our room who is 66 years old and has almost no meat on her spine. She needs the comfort more than any of us. Others agreed. But, she will have to wait. Amazing what little things can result in big fights here on the compound. The craziest thing about all this is that inspection did not even occur yesterday. The inspector went off to lunch and never came back. Inspection was this morning. Less than half the number of people were in the unit and neither of the two roommates were there at the time. Thank goodness. Just in case, though, I listened for "open move," and took myself to the computer lab. I think I will avoid all days of, "Inspection!!"

From Dragonfly: Bananas!!!

Wednesday is a very important day at Carswell. It is banana day. Inmates set their alarms for early - 5:30, 5:45, wake up, get dressed, and stand in bunches by the doors, waiting to be let out of their units. Once their unit is called for breakfast, the mad rush is on for getting in the breakfast line. Wednesday morning is when they give our bananas. Inmates are allowed to take their one fruit ration out of the chow hall and back to their unit. These bananas are coveted to make pudding, fruit salad, and many Latina dishes.

As someone on the Kosher diet, I need not run anywhere. Makes no difference to me. I get a banana twice during my week as part of my tray meal. Regardless, I did not go bananas this morning - as I had several "call outs" starting at 6:15 this morning. The first one was to the laboratory - where they took 26 vials of blood (no kidding!). The phlebotomist said that in her many years here, that was the second most vials of blood she's ever had to take. Most people have between 2-8 on a visit. Mine included all the tests that I've repeatedly been tested for associated with my autoimmune condition. I even had to say "yes" to another HIV test (even though I just had one months ago at home as a requirement). I am negative. No chance that has changed!

After nearly purging myself of all my blood, I had to go to the mail room. Sporty sent me some nice Penny Press puzzle magazines. I received them in the mail room because there was one too many. The maximum allowed items in a book/magazine package is 5, but this one had six. My discolored shoes showed my newness and they let me have the books this time. Next time, receiving too many books at one time would result in the entire package being sent back to the publisher (good thing to know!).

After the mail room, I waited 1 1/2 hours to be seen at records. There, I was able (finally) to have some official idea of my sentence computations - as they stand right now. I was absolutely right that my out date was July 4th, but they do not release on federal holidays. They also gave me one day for the day I did my fingerprints and photo at the U.S. Marshall the day of my arraignment. So, my good conduct release date is July 2, 2014. Prior to the good conduct release date, is the home eligibility date - this is the date you "may" be sent to a halfway house or to home confinement. My date is May 28, 2014. That's just after my parents' anniversaries (they were both remarried to their current spouses on May 26th), so perhaps that will be a nice anniversary present and a good way to celebrate memorial day weekend!

These dates are not absolute. Many people have been given earlier release to their halfway house/home confinement based on the overcrowding here. One woman in my room is serving 6 months of her sentence that was identical to me (1 year and 1 day - 10 months with good time). My health condition is a problem for that early release. I need to be able to show that I can get health insurance to cover my health care costs if released. Other issues as well. One day at a time, though. At least I have dates to hold onto. No reason to go bananas over the unknown!

From Dragonfly: When People Are Untamed

A clearer head later in the day and I can look at the behaviors of those around me earlier today. So many broken people, but they are not getting the things they need here to fix themselves - like the GA program did for me. So many women who don't know how to have healthy relationships, how to set proper boundaries, how to properly show emotions,... instead of being locked up, they need emotional help. How are they going to leave here one day and not find themselves right back in the door? I was apologized to when I went back to my room - by two of my roommates. I was told that it was not about me. I know that. But, she had displaced anger and pointed it toward me. That is still not right. Her coming to hug me was like allowing any abuser come back and later say, "I'm sorry." The fact is that the abuse is never okay and the apologies mean nothing to me. I choose to keep myself away from unhealthy people with unhealthy boundaries, but here, I am forced to live among people who cannot control their emotions and who have the ability to act out before thinking.

The thing that's been getting to me over the last 24 hours, though, is the fact that someone who is eligible for a camp can be put into a secured environment with highly volatile people for the mere fact of their health. I cannot fathom how that is not a problem and does automatically set some to be victims of the craziness of others. Also, I do not understand why they choose to put those with medical issues along side those with mental health issues (serious mental health issues) that are not under control. It would only occur in the medical facilities.

Anyway, I learned yesterday that I will not be cleared to work for a month (at least), but I am still trying to get a job in education. They can choose to hire me at a desk job. I'll be happy just being a grader, if that's all I can do for now. I also learned that due to my health condition, I will not qualify for a halfway house. Whether this is entirely true or not, I do not know. I miss being able to "google" for my answers. I do know that many people talk about Carswell on Prisontalk.com but it is impossible to really talk about what this place is like unless you lived here without a sense of when you will leave. I can only say that each day I am here is one less day I will be here and that I have a lot of incredible support beyond the gates of this prison. 4p.m. is my favorite time of every day, because that is "mail call" and I stand at the door and listen closely for my last name. A smile when it is called and a bigger smile as it is called more than once. If you have a loved one in prison, write them. Write them often. They may not be able to write back as often, but the mail means everything. Mail never meant more to me! Mail gives me moments on my bed when the "untamed" are nowhere in my mind and I am just there, thinking about the person who wrote me, reading their words, and being filled with love and hope.

From Dragonfly: My First Tears

My roommates set up a cleaning schedule. It's simple. There are seven of us. Each of us has a day. Mine is Sunday. Cleaning includes sweeping the floor, then mopping, and then wiping down the tops of the lockers. I effectively did my cleaning on Sunday. Many people were in the room at the time, but it was my cleaning day, so I cleaned on my own.

This morning, a Tuesday, someone else has the day to clean. I did my part by moving all my things off the floor and clearing my locker. Everything is locked in my locker. I was getting myself ready to come here - to the email lab - since I had no opportunity yesterday to use the lab, I was really wanting to get my opportunity. Well, one of my roommates decides to start yelling that we all need to help in the cleaning instead of just laying around reading (I am reading one of my school related books) and sleeping (without my medication, my fatigue is always bad). This was geared toward myself and another woman in the room - both with chronic health issues - who are here for short times and just recently arrived. Then she gets up behind me and starts yelling that she's going to punch someone out. She feels like punching someone out and she's talking about me. I just keep my back to her. I finish what I need to do in my locker, lock it, and walk out of the room.

I go down to the line for the C.O. to get my pass for coming here to the email lab. This roommate storms into the C.O.'s office and puts in some sort of complaint about me. She's screaming and throwing a fit. Not sure what she said (it's sound proof). Doesn't really matter. It will not be the truth. Doesn't matter though. Just being accused here, seems to be enough. I did walk in and ask for my pass to the email lab and was given one. Not sure what the C.O. thought of her frantic anti-me ramblings. I can say that she is all worked up and I was calm, polite, and am a newbie. I still have the newbie shoes, I think that gives me some latitude. I buy my sneakers on Wednesday. At that point, I will not be a newbie any more.

When I return to my unit after sending this email, I may face any number of sanctions, if the C.O. wants or I may face a roommate who will get into my face, possibly threaten me again, who knows. I can't know. I walked out of the unit to walk here and there were the first tears I cried since arriving. My first time feeling entirely unsafe, but trying to hold it all together. I know I will be okay. I will not tell on my roommate, because tattling gets you in much bigger trouble. That is not my goal. I just want to do my time in peace. I did my responsibilities with the cleaning. That is what I must do. I will not be pushed around to do more than my responsibilities. I will not be scared by someone in order to give up my serenity. I am not a hardened person, though. I cannot hide that I am a coward, will not fight, and will be a victim. I might as well wear a big "V" on my forehead for "victim," as much as I want to be strong. Yesterday, I received 17 pieces of mail. These messages of love and hope keep me motivated and moving forward. I also called a bunch of people having a meeting from my G.A. program last night. That helps too. I need to keep my emotions in check. Life on the outside helps make that possible.

I struggled to decide if I would write this. I always want to focus on the positive as much as possible. But there's a truth to this experience I am in that I do not want to ignore. Only due to the fact that I have a chronic health condition, I am in a secured lock-up location with people who have violence as part of their records. I have to share my room with people who do not think before acting and who are not afraid of the consequences either. While a prison camp may have it's issues, I doubt it would be like here, where people who are minimum-security are placed along with high-security inmates. More people are here for mental health issues, than medical issues, it appears. I am going to spend the next 10 months of my life trying to navigate my safety and serenity among such unknowns. Today I walked away. Tomorrow, I will do the same.

I AM OKAY!

On 8-26-2013 I wrote a one page note with the large words "I AM OKAY" with small statements surrounding the words and mailed it off to Survivor. These statements were my thoughts and observations days into my imprisonment. "I am okay" comes from the C.O. we met the day before my self-surrender who told me to tell everyone I was okay no matter what... Thank you Survivor for holding on to the mail I sent you!

8/26/2013

I AM OKAY!

I am continuing to lose weight.

A salad here is iceberg lettuce.

My favorite meal so far was chicken wings. Tuna came a close second. Nothing good to report for third…

I will start the process to remove my case to [my state] tomorrow. Had to wait for “open house” hours with my case worker.

I buy needed sneakers Wed. Will need $ money for commissary next week.L

I may not be approved to work or for a halfway house due to my “chronic health issues” being immune-suppressed.

I’ve met a couple other white-collar offenders. All well-educated. We are all here due to our health. There are a lot of people here not due to health.

I am going to have to feed myself often through commissary purchases. I’ve gotten sardines 4x and fish to microwave 3x.

I say the serenity prayer at least 3x every day. I hung it on the inside of my locker.

Everyone keeps thinking I am about 25 years old.

There are 3 Jewish women here, among 1,600 inmates.

I want to call in during round-ups and cowgirls weekend. Speaker phone?

You will like South, a woman with me, I told her that you and I will road trip down to [where she lives] and visit. She’s funny, 66, and does not belong here!

I got 17 pieces of mail today! Most by GA folks and cowgirls!

I start a new migraine medication tomorrow. I am being sent outside Carswell to a Rheumatologist for an appointment.

Tomorrow, I will meet my counselor (case counselor) for the first time. He has been out for 3 weeks.

I hope to get visitation approval forms to fill out soon. Been waiting for my counselor.

I have not had a dream since I arrived, but I am starting to sleep a little better.

Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you? How much strength, hope, and wisdom you give me every day, even when we are so many miles apart? ...

Love, Dragonfly 

“I AM OKAY!”