8 Years

Mother's Day, 2016. This week marked my 8th anniversary of my "Devine intervention" - my last gamble, getting caught, coming clean with the people around me and myself, stopping my impending suicide, and beginning the path that would start my road to recovery. My life has certainly moved forward a long way, looking back I was in a place of believing myself "broken" and beyond repair. I was unlovable, never good enough, and undeserving of anything and everything in my life (these things I believed). I could not see past my own issues of addiction, shame, guilt, and fear to fully experience anything in my life.

Today, my life is full of wonder and awe. I live in confidence, love, honesty, openness, willingness, peace, and much more happiness. I am married and surrounded by young people. I give back to my community and do my best to do so without expectation of anything in return. I am forgiving. I seek forgiveness when necessary without expectation of forgiveness in return. I try to make healthy choices of mind, body, and spirit.

I make amends for my past in various ways both public and private. I speak openly as a felon and of my crime and those I hurt. I do not hide from my past, as perhaps I can help open minds and educate others. I take my recovery seriously and continue in my recovery knowing that no one is ever cured of addiction and that we must always be there for the new people who walk into our rooms. I give back by taking leadership through participation in Gambler's Anonymous intergroup and helping with area rooms and conferences. I make my monthly reports to my Probation Officer, showing that I have not gambled, have not done anything in violation of my supervision and that I am doing everything I can to ensure I would not find myself in the position to commit an addiction motivated crime again.

I rebuild relationships with those I hurt as much as I can. Any chance I see anyone in person, my openness, honesty, and willingness to speak and ask forgiveness is usually accepted. Those that have chosen to not forgive me, I will never give up trying to make amends to. I shall carry their names with me and if/when the time comes, I shall ask again. It will always be up to them.

I pay my restitution every month. Some months are harder than others to honestly meet the 10% of income threshold. We have 3 college students in our household and our finances are tight. It is a priority payment, though, and it is paid. It is something I do not just because I am told I must, but because it is a very real reminder of where just one gambling bet could take me. I do not have urges to gamble, but if I ever did, I just need to remember that I already have 10% of my income going out because of gambling, I certainly do not need more (besides violations of my supervision, etc.). I could not imagine anything taking me back to gambling, yet 95% of people who start recovery, do go back out. I guess I am fortunate to not have had a relapse (knock on wood). I surrendered to recovery and GA the minute I walked into the door. I knew I had a problem and wanted to find a way to stop. It was no longer fun - I just could not stop. GA gave me a way, as long as I was willing to sit and listen to those who stood in my shoes before me. Crazy to think I am now one of those people who helps the new person now.

Things have not been all roses. I have been sick for months. This academic semester brought with it the Norovirus and several additional infections over a period of time. I've had bronchitis for over 1 1/2 months. One thing seems to get better and the next hits me. My docs have me off all my meds for my chronic health issues in hopes that my body could fight off the infections, but it has not been helping, so my pain and fatigue levels have gone up. It's been very difficult and I was not able to finish my thesis this semester due to my health. I now have a goal of June. The stress of everything with fighting the school appeared to make it all a bit worst.

However, I am alive. I have a job I love. I am looking forward to classes that will challenge and enlighten me. I have an incredible family. I will get off supervision in 2016. I am loved. I am good enough. I deserve the good that happens in my life. What a difference 8 years makes!

I do want to put a shout out to all the Mom's in Carswell or incarcerated anywhere. I remember that day well. It is a very hard day for Mothers. Be good to your Mom today. Happy Mother's Day!

Step 7

"7. Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings."

Step seven in gamblers anonymous (and most 12 step programs) reminds us that we are not necessarily able to remove all our personality and emotional defects on our own. They are a part of us, some we may not even know exist or we may not know how to describe, but they pain us or others and add difficulty to our lives. Our goal is to tackle such shortcomings one at a time and find healthier ways of thinking and living.

I must admit, I'm being tested on my ability to "let go," "have patience," "accept what seems unlikely," and just release it all to my higher power. I am one resolved to do just that. For six years doing so has never steered me wrong and I know, really know, that this time will be no different.

I'm obviously talking about the University. I'm obviously admitting that I did not hear anything today. Friday's workday came and went and I did not hear a peep about the hold on my registration and enrollment. 

This is what I must do. The department of criminal justice told me to assume that the hold will be lifted and to attend orientation Tuesday and my class Wednesday. My boss has me working, with no pay, my fall hours, assuming the same hold is being lifted. Everyone is just moving forward being positive, and doing their part.

I shall continue to do the same. I spent so much time looking to see if I had a new email today, that Sporty and T.S. Did me a favor and took my phone from me for an hour. I'm glad I had to have that anxiety break. Nothing will change this weekend, so that's another 48 hour break. Truth is, it doesn't even matter if news comes Monday or Tuesday, now, because I'm already attending class next week no matter what. 

I'm just going for it. That's what all the messages are telling me to do. I may be the crazy woman who can't even take a library book out because she's on hold in the system, but I'm going back to school next week. I think I'll start listening to the messages I'm receiving and not all the self defeating talk in my head. (Note to self - ask God to remove self defeating talk from my head when able...).

A New Meeting

Sporty and I started a new gamblers anonymous meeting tonight. Four people attended, which is good because it is not advertised yet. I chaired the meeting and it felt great! We were able to celebrate Sporty's 6 year anniversary, which was wonderful as well.

The two others at the meeting have been in GA for years, but struggle to stay clean. They are both back just a few months since their last relapses. It's so hard to see people struggle so much with this debilitating addiction. There's no magic cure, we can just pray that at some point they will be able to surrender fully to recovery. Only recovery can really help when the urges to gamble are so strong. Recovery is so much more than attending meetings - it's working the steps, checking in with a sponsor, getting involved, finding ways to fill the void, connecting with fellowship, believing in a higher power, and most of all ACCEPTANCE that we really do have an addiction.

I was very lucky when I came to GA. The meetings I attended were filled with people who worked the full program and achieved many years of clean time. I even know a couple with more than 45 years in the program. With so many people relapsing, it's inspiring to meet people who have not only stayed clean, but who continue to attend meetings and share their wisdom after 5, 10, or more years.

It's really weird to think that I may be one of those people now. Where I live now, there's only a handful of people with more than 5 years clean. Even fewer that have done the steps and really done the hard recovery work. I suppose it's a gift that Sporty and I have something to offer this community - the wisdom gained from our meetings where we used to live. Paying it forward.

I imagine it'll take a couple months for the new meeting to be strongly attended. That's okay, we've helped start two meetings in the past. We won't get discouraged. What matters is that we are giving people another night of the week to attend a GA meeting if they need it. Even if it's just the two of us some weeks, it'll be okay. We only need two people to make it a meeting. And, as is said in any recovery program, meetings make it!!

One Day at a Time

I'm sure that most people reading this are not in a twelve step program - especially given that this blog has had about 3,500 hits already since its conception just six weeks ago. I hope people find it helpful, interesting, informative, and even quirky at times. Anyway, this blog is going to talk about not just the saying, "one day at a time," but how I intend to use that concept to make it through each day in prison.

AA was the first 12-step program and I think almost every 12-step program after bases some of their principles on the lessons learned through AA and recovery. One of those concepts is one day at a time (ODAAT).

When someone walks into a recovery room for the first time their life is usually in pieces and everything needs fixing - family, employment, financials, house mortgage, friendships, legal issues hang over your head sometimes, etc. Every person's situation is unique, but almost everyone has some problems needing to be "fixed."

Once we stop our addictive behavior, we want everything to be fixed immediately. But we didn't cause all the problems in a day and we can't fix all the problems in a day either. Therefore, the way we talk about this in the G.A. program is to "be patient - don't try to solve all you're problems at once." Similarly, we can only live ODAAT and solve the problems of a day a a time. If we try to take on everything, we get overwhelmed with impossible expectations on ourselves and others.

Similarly ODAAT provides a way of getting through life in general. If things are bad in prison and we count the number of days in front of us, we will worry every day about a future that has not occurred yet. If we miss our family and only spend our time in regret or wallowing, we will only live with what we fail to have in the moment except to look around us and see, perhaps, opportunities that may help bring us closer to our family when we do see them again. When we live ODAAT, we are able to experience life not necessarily by our expectations, but by the ability to open our eyes wider to the moment and use all our senses and be open to change in ourselves and our life.

I used to live exclusively in the past and the future, almost never in the moment. Even the consequences of the moment couldn't affect me due to my addiction. I couldn't get past things that happened to me when I was young and I couldn't stop dreaming of the life "I wished" I could have. When I started to live my life ODAAT, my past and future were no longer my focal points and I was able to actually work on myself for the first time in my life.

So, living life one day at a time does not mean you do nothing for the future. We must do today what we can to ensure our future. I must go to work today, but today I am not worrying about tomorrow being my last day at my job. That's my day tomorrow. I must take my classes to get my phd. I can't worry about what institutions will hire me with a felony, that is about 3-4 years down the road. I must finish this blog post. I can't worry how many blog posts Survivor will do for me while I am in prison, it is out of my control and in the future.

I live my life one day at a time. If the commissary doesn't have shorts, I will survive. If I am not able to stomach a meal, I will survive. If my roommates snore, I will survive. If I don't get a lot of mail after a while, I will survive. If I run out of money, I will survive. If I have no visitors for a while, I will survive. If someone punches me, I will survive. If I am put in the SHU for my own protection, I will survive. If I'm not released on time, I will survive. I will survive each of these things because they will not all happen on the same day and I live ONE DAY AT A TIME!