From Dragonfly: Changes

I just wrote an email to a good friend. I wish I could call it back, but I can't - once it's sent through Trulincs, it is out of my control. While the way I ended the email was honest, I feel bad for being so negative. This is what I wrote:

"Health wise, I am declining. Mentally, I am declining. Spiritually, I am strong. Emotionally, I am numb."

Why did I write that? I think it goes to how people change in difficult vs. positive times.

In the GA program (as well as other recovery programs), we often tell people that they've changed (for the better). We say that it's not the person who will see the changes in themselves so much, over time, but rather their family, their friends, and the people in the recovery rooms. Change happens too slow for us to always see it in ourselves. Recovery helped me find my voice. It helped me deal with how passive I was and how much I blamed myself for everyone's issues. It helped me become less co-dependent or have a self-esteem based on what OTHERS thought of me, rather than myself. When I was able to tell someone that what they were saying about me was not true, I was shocked that I was able to stand up for myself. GA and recovery helped me do that. I've changed a lot since walking into my first GA meeting (the changes are about the person much more than the stopping of the addiction). If we change, we are much less likely to relapse or even want to do something so unhealthy (addictive behavior) again.

So, I think, I walked into prison much stronger than I would have 5 years ago. I am not "hard," but I am not as "soft" as I used to be.

However, just like in recovery, those around us can see the changes in our behavior, attitude, personality, etc before we realize we've changed. Last night, Danbury told me that I am not the same person she met here a couple months ago. She and South say that I've been "down" and rather "bitchy." I know that behavior is not intentional. Danbury thought I no longer wanted her as a friend because of my attitude.

When I look at my attitude as of late, I know that I am 100% more tired than I was when I walked in 3 months ago, even though I am always tired. My legs hurt. Bad. My walk has slowed considerably, and I've never been a fast walker (especially since getting sick). I keep to myself more. I suppose I've humbled myself to this experience. If anyone ever needs a lesson in humility, just spend one week in prison!

I didn't realize that these changes have come off on my relationships with other people here. I know they've affected my relationships with the people I care about back at home. At first, I wrote letters every day. I called someone most days. I wrote individual emails to different people. Now, there can be long breaks without letters, calls or emails. Why? It is impossible to "fake" it in order to act like everything's okay. It's also unfair to put the stress of my current circumstances on anyone but myself. I must admit, not only have my letters trickled, but the letters I receive have trickled down as well. As you know, at first, I was receiving a lot of mail. Now, I may get 3-5 letters/cards per week. A couple people have been consistent in writing, and I appreciate it sooooooo much. Others, have not. I don't blame them at all. They have their lives and things to do that is much more important than writing me. Plus, since I have not been a good friend back, I cannot have any reason to expect them to be a better friend than I am being.

I do not like the way I am "changing" at this time. I'm not sure if it happens to everyone, or just some people. For me, I'm still far stronger a person than I was 5 years ago. I am just becoming "harder." I am drained emotionally, physically, and mentally. I see scary things every day. I hear frightening stories every day. I sit next to murderers every day. I witness medical neglect every day. I fear doctors and their actions. The only place I feel safe is my twin bed. Even there, I hear fighting. I hear crying. I hear people gasping for breaths. I hear C.O.'s screaming. I hear constant noise.

I suppose it's inevitable that such experiences will change a person. I pray that my current changes are just temporary. I know that I am just becoming a product of prison life. I move slowly through each day, wearing the same khaki as every other inmate, go to my job, eat three meals, and pray that I get a good night's sleep.

So, I suppose what I wrote to my friend is as true as it gets. I just wish it weren't so.

From Dragonfly: GED Countdown

So, as you know, I work as a GED tutor. What that means is that I spend my days working with students on the 5 subject areas: math, science, social studies, writing (test and essay), and reading. Students tend to move at their own pace, even though we do have full-class assignments most days. Every couple months, students are submitted for TABE tests. There are three levels of TABE - an easy, a medium, and an advanced. If students do well on the easy TABE, the next time they test, they will take the medium or the advanced. Once a student scores well on either the medium or advanced TABE, the student is signed up for an official GED Pre-Test. The Pre-Test is closer to the actual GED test in most ways than the TABE. Once a student scores well enough on the Pre-Test (which we do every 1-2 months), they are signed up for the official GED Test. Om order to pass, students have to receive a 410 minumum score on all subject areas with at least a 450 average. Each subject test is out of 800 points. Sometimes, students are doing well in several subjects, but struggling in just one - usually math. When that happens, we do more intensive teaching on the subject. Well, that's how we usually do things.

For the past week, I have had a class of 10 students who are taking the GED next week. Instead of keeping them in the classroom assigned, the instructors pulled them out and put them in a math-intensive, all-day GED study class. All but one of the students is not so excited to sit in a classroom all day. The GED test changes early in 2014, and it is important they pass before that time, or they will have to start all over again with some harder material. Why I was selected to put together the curriculum and spend my full days with these students, I'm not sure, but I am enjoying it. The white board in the room we are using looks like one from "A brilliant mind" or "good will hunting" where there are equations everywhere and numbers and answers and geometric shapes... it's kind of cool! I spent 2 hours this morning helping students set up how to solve algebraic word problems. If I took the GRE (graduate record examination) again (since I last took it in 2010), I would imagine my math score will increase 10 fold!!! In fact, I may just do that, if I have to start applying all over again for grad school... I hope I don't!

So, for 4 days, I have been with these students. Although, we are down to 8 students as of today. The teacher in charge officially kicked 2 students out of the intensive study class and won't test them next week. Not because they aren't capable, but due to attitude. They were disruptive to everyone and didn't want to be there. One thing the tutors and teachers agree on, is that we can't want the students to get their GED more than the student does. They won't be tested unless they have the right attitude.

I try to focus the students away from their low self-esteem on what they didn't learn earlier in life and struggle with today. To me, it is not about what they don't know (they do not need a perfect 800 on the test). It is about how much they DO know, and how much more they've learned since starting these classes. That's what matters! I hope to celebrate in a couple months when we officially learn how many of these students pass the test before the end of December. I'll know that I may have helped them understand a new concept or as happened yesterday in class, "I just had an epiphany.... I get it!!!" one of the students yelled out. A worthwhile job indeed.

From Dragonfly: Cold Shower

Every so often, you get into the shower here and there's only cold water. Our water has been exclusively freezing since last night. I still took a shower this morning, but it was awfully fast... most people did not do the shower route. Anyway, I did not expect this day to go anywhere good after a morning cold shower, but I was pleasantly surprised, and it is only 7:15am.

While eating a pop tart and watching the morning news in my unit, a woman sitting next to me and I started talking. Turns out that she was born in the city where I was prosecuted for my crimes... then it turns out that she was also a compulsive gambler. And, she is here for wire fraud for crimes connected to her gambling... first person who has my story.

Unfortunately, she has never been to a GA meeting and knows nothing about recovery. So, I offered her some materials. I lent her one of the books sent to me, as well as some materials my counselor sent my way. Although she hasn't gambled in 2 years, it is like a dry drunk, you need the recovery program to help you - especially once released from prison. Also, many people outside of G.A. don't recognize that contests, raffles, etc are also gambling. They may say they haven't been to a casino, but they may still be feeding their gambling action needs through different forms of gambling (which are plentiful in prison). So, I hope Ska decides to talk with me more about her gambling. She gambled in the same casinos as me - as well as the ones up in Alaska. We were surprised by our similar stories that led us in to prison. I hope she chooses to seek recovery. Whether or not she does, I know that I've armed her with some great reading materials and hope that she tries to understand the underlying gambling addiction. Only then, can she be able to make the changes necessary to ensure that she does not find herself going back to gambling, or, as happens with so many, switching to a different addiction.

So, cold water was just a disguise for a day where I was able to do something for someone else. It felt good.

From Dragonfly: Three Foot Locker

What would you hold precious if all your belongings had to fit in a locker that was 3' tall by 1.5' wide? Imagine looking at all your belongings and making the decisions of what to keep with you. Would it be your cell phone? computer? For me, I would probably include my grandfather's pipe and pictures of the people I am closest with. Many would choose their sunglasses, perhaps some paper and pens. Maybe an Mp3 full of favorite tunes. Some favorite books may be held. But don't forget, all your clothing also must fit in this locker. How would you organize? How would you manage?

That's what the truth is in prison. Some prison's give inmates tall lockers and/or under the bed storage. At Carswell, we have a small locker and that's it. What we can keep outside our locker is one uniform, one towel, and our bedding (our beds made perfectly). We also can keep our dirty clothing in a bag under the bed and our shoes lined up against the back wall. So, everything else, must go in the locker. The locker has three shelves on one side and is open on the other. Inmates can not have the metal hanging bar that would normally go on the open side, so we make bars out of rolled up magazines and hang our hangers from that. Until I had a magazine bar, I used yarn pulled through the side holes a bunch of times to hold the weight of the hangers.

My locker has all my clothing, water bottle, puzzle magazines, books, cards mailed to me, handmade calendar, medication, toiletries and all hygiene products, lined paper, craft paper, yarn, embroidery string, snack food, address book, address labels, envelopes, extra batteries, book light, peanut butter & jelly, my winter cap, radio, legal documents, letters, scissors, pens and pencils, folders, crochet needles, finished crochet projects waiting for mail out, towels, wash clothes, cheese, juice cans, sprite, work calculator, my i.d., commissary bag, pictures, two reader's digests, people magazine, school books, lotion, ear plugs, utensils, 7 cup Tupperware bowl and lid... well, you get the idea.

These are the items I value while in prison. So, how do we organize all this? We make ourselves locker organizers. They are made of plastic needle point squares that fit in our inside locker door. I have one and am making a second one. I cross stitch the design onto the plastic that is about 70 holes tall and 70 holes wide. It takes about 2 1/2 to fill the entire locker door. I'm making one that is 2 pieces of plastic long. I am having fun building small, medium, and large pocket attachments out of additional pieces of plastic (cut to the sizes I want). I am long stitching the background and the accents are in burgundy. Here's a skill I never knew I would learn! I stitched my name into the top of the organizer. The other organizer I have is not as fancy, I'll start fixing it when I finish the one I started this weekend (will be done tonight or tomorrow). Small items fit well in the pockets, which allows the inside of the locker to be more organized with larger items.

Another thing I made was a can holder. Every time I would reach in my locker for something, one of my juice cans would fall out. I took some of that plastic, and designed a long can holder so that they cannot fall out (it makes the cans fit the same as a 12-pack cardboard container for the fridge, but mine fits 6 cans. It's helped a lot.

Finally, I made 3 small shelves for part of the empty side of the locker. They hang off of 2 hangers and hold my panties, socks, and bras. I'm the only person I know who has done that. A lot of people make one of their door organizers into crochet pockets for their underclothes. I like my shelves - very convenient.

I'd like to say that all this stuff makes my locker incredibly organized, but no matter how many pockets, boxes, or unique item holders I make, I still have too many items for the small locker. Nearly every time I reach into the lock, something falls. I'm not giving up on it, though. I clean the locker every weekend. I organize, organize, organize... until I no longer can find the thing I need to find (whoops...). The locker may have an area of 4.5', but to me, it's the most important 4.5' in this entire institution.

From Dragonfly: A Horror Story

Last night, while my room was waiting for 9:30pm count (which occurred after 10pm), we were all telling stories about our first days incarcerated. I am going to share a story, which I verified with the individual (as I gave her a hug that I think I needed after hearing her story even more than she did). When she came to Carswell, she was designated to the camp across the street. In addition to the FMC, Carswell has a small women's prison camp (about 200 inmates) that live at an old motel on the military base. We can see the facility outside our gates. The camp has no fencing, the inmates can walk around a lake, work on the base, and have no "closed" moves. That's what those of us who are "minimum" security, but stranded in the FMC, are supposed to get for treatment - but the medical center treats every inmate the same - at a medium security level (except for the few women in MAX, the SHU, or in some administrative type status).

Anyway, this inmate has severe kidney issues. I believe she was born with only one kidney, and at the time of her incarceration, her kidney was not well-functioning and she had an outer bag to help her. When R&D learned about the kidney issue and bag, she was told that she could not go to the camp, but rather would be in the medical unit. I guess they were not expecting her, so they needed to do the redesignation, so they put her in an administrative cell - single cell, large metal door, small hole that opens to the hallway, a small window to the hallway, no control of lighting, metal bed with no mattress, one sheet, no blanket or pillow... and she had the bible that she brought with her from home. Well, they forgot about her in that cell... for two days. She self-surrendered on a Monday and no one gave her any food or water until someone opened her cell on Wednesday and asked, "Are you ______ (last name)?" She was then moved to a regular housing unit.

The inmate says that while in the cell, she figured that her time in Carswell would be that experience and that she would spend 2 years in the cell, with no interaction with others. She did not understand why they weren't feeding her. She would bang on the door, begging for water, but none came. She prayed a lot - and her bible gave her comfort. She was in shock.

At one point, they were doing "count" on the floor, and someone screamed into her door to "stand count" (which she did not yet know what that meant). So she stood up and then waited for when she would be told she could once again sit... 45 minutes later, someone came by and asked why she was still standing. She didn't know that the standing was just for the time of count.

I nearly cried hearing this story. My first days here were so very scary. I can not imagine having an experience such as this woman. She was locked up with no ability to communicate with loved ones and lost in the system. Terrifying doesn't begin to explain the emotions one would go through. I hugged her last night, because, to me, she is a survivor. You would never know that she faced such terrifying beginnings here. She usually is a very positive person - the kind of woman who you know only found her way to prison by a real mistake and intends to never find her way back. She is religious, kind, and giving (qualities that are not all that common in prison). I know that I am privileged to have met her.


Since it is a holiday, today is a day they feed us "special" food. For breakfast, we had strawberry frosted flakes and some turnovers. What a treat! They say that later it will be bacon cheeseburgers. I've only seen bacon here once (on another holiday). I don't really want yet another HAMBURGER, but we will see. Yesterday, I had a wonderful lunch in my unit - tuna. Sometimes, it's just better to make one's own meals - expensive, but better!

Finally, I am actually becoming a 'decent' crocheter. I've finished two projects so far (both with mistakes, but the second is far better than the first) and I'm going to keep crocheting. Who knows, maybe it will be a skill I will need as I make my way through the world once released.

Well, my best to all the veterans - including Army!