Letting the Control Go

My struggle, as with so many others, is trying to control things that are simply outside my control - which entails all people, places, and things. I don't really try to control people or places, but I certainly do things... but sometimes that does cross over to people and places. My anxiety I wrote about in the middle of the night was connected to this. I want to control both the University and the people working in admissions to tell me the status of my admission on my terms - not theirs. I will always find anxiety and disappointment when I put expectations on others. Truth is, whether or not I know my status tomorrow or next week, it will not matter. I just need to know before the 13th for my assistantship to be able to start officially the following week when it should. That is still several days away, so, I need to allow the people, places, and things responsible for helping make that occur to do their jobs and I need to LET GO.

Perhaps you can tell, but I did have a much better day today. After sleeping nearly 10 hours last night, I woke up bright eyes and bushy tailed and as Sporty put it, "really nerdy today!" I was cracking jokes, making funny accents, and just generally having more pep in my walk. I went into work a little early and immediately produced some good stuff for my supervisor and didn't push her on whether she'd talked to admissions or not. I didn't need to know.

Later in the morning, my supervisor did talk to me about having called admissions and that the conversation went something like this:
"She is admitted and she has gotten all the documents in that we need. We are just waiting for some additional documents..." From whom and from where is unknown to my supervisor and myself. They also said that it could be 10 days (from last Thursday) before we know my status. Well, okay. They said that they told me that, but I would've definitely remembered them giving me a timeline - and they did not. They indicated to me that they would quickly process it because fall semester is about to begin. Oh well - release control!

So, I felt that it was important to let the criminal justice department know what was happening. This is what I wrote to the Director who I first spoke with when I went to visit the department:

"I wanted to give you an update on my admissions status at [the University]. I am very excited to be starting courses with the Criminal Justice program later this month. I just want to make you aware that my admissions has been put on hold at the Admissions office, due to my background of having a felony. It has been on hold since July 7th. They are checking to ensure I am not a harm to the University or community. I am not sure the standard they use in that decision. They told me that I should know my status soon, but I do not know when. I just wanted to inform you of this because I have been unable to register for my courses, although I already have them "planned" and will immediately register and officially enroll once my background is cleared. I, also, thought it would be best to let someone in the department know of the hold on my admission. Please let me know if you have any questions/concerns."

At first, I received a basic response that they appreciate me contacting them and will file my note. Just a few minutes later, though, I received this email from someone else from the Department:

"Thank you... The School of Criminal Justice has asked the Office of Admissions to lift the hold and process admission. Our request must first be approved by the College of Social Science and the Graduate School, but I do not anticipate much more delay. Have a good afternoon, and I'll keep an eye on your admission status as well!"

It was such a pleasant surprise that they did this on my behalf. I cannot control the actions of the College of Social Science or the Graduate School (and as you know I have history with the graduate school), but it means so much that the Department is willing to do what they can to get me through the admission process without my having to ask.

While usually the statement that we cannot control people, places, or things comes from our inability to get what we want. However, in this case, it appears that although I couldn't control people, places, or things today, several people went out on a limb on my behalf on their own. I released control and good things happened. I do not know and cannot control what the University admissions decision will be or when I will receive the news. However, I know that there are many people who have my back through this process and I need to just allow everyone to do what they need to do and I need to get out of the way and stop trying to control everything!

Nervous

I want to write that I got this and I'm holding my head up high and can take on the world. Reality is that I'm totally nervous. I'm sitting on the first floor of my school of education building waiting to meet with a professor I don't know and tell her my whole story in hopes she will support me joining her department... Even though the department works collaboratively with my old department a lot. It's a good match for my interests, but I can't help but feel like I'm sitting somewhere I'm not wanted.

A professor I took a class with, and even traveled overseas with, walked by a bit ago. He saw me, I saw him, so I said, "hi," and he said, "how are you," and I said, "good, thanks," with a smile on my face. He kept walking and I kept sitting, but my stomach dropped. If the department doesn't know I'm back in town yet, they will now. It's okay, just everything makes me nervous.

I actually don't care what they think of me. In fact, I look so much better than the last time they saw me. Plus I'm more confident in a good way. This place just used to feel like home to me, I pray it will again.

In order to not get stuck in my head, I walked next store and found T.S. having lunch. It was my first time ever bumping into her on campus, as I was gone her whole freshman year. She sat, talked to me and hugged me when I headed back to the school of Ed. She took the parent role for that minute. 

I need to concentrate on all the good in my life and get my head away from the "what ifs."I know, easier said than done. Entirely possible, though. I just have to remember, no one gets to tell me that I don't deserve my education! I'm here to move forward, not stare at my past. This is a perfect time for the serenity prayer.

SERENITY, ACCEPTANCE, COURAGE, WISDOM

Six Years

Today marks my six year GA anniversary. It was also my first GA meeting since before I went to prison. It was a great meeting and I was happy to hear a lot of recovery in the room. Giving my therapy, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

A lot of people get some clean time in and then they choose to stop going to meetings. Their lives get busy, they have money again, they believe they can stay clean on their own. Too often, we see them walk back into a meeting weeks, months, or years later. They are once again devastated by their addiction and need help. I've never seen anyone walk into a GA meeting and say, "you all were wrong, I went back out and it was great!" The first gamble to a compulsive gambler is like the first drink to an alcoholic. There is no good that comes out of it.

Also, it's those with a decent amount of recovery time that are so important to newbies who need to hear our stories of recovery, have us to sponsor them, and guide them through the steps. Those who were already in the program helped us and we now pay it forward to those that are new. I gave my contact info to two people who requested it. That's what we do.

There's also no magic time when you should start recovery. Some are successful early after discovering they have a problem, others have to face dire consequences to their addiction. As a rabbi once said in her sermon, "you never reach rock bottom, you just stop digging." The only real rock bottom is death and I pray most will find recovery before that extreme consequence.

Sporty and I have decided to start a new GA meeting in the area. It will start in 1 1/2 weeks. We've successfully helped start two others that are strong today (where we used to live), so we hope this new meeting here, on a night that had no local meeting) will be successful.

I never thought I'd connect with a 12 step program. I also never really understood what it was. At first, it can be very intimidating, but if you keep going back, it becomes comfortable and safe. If you struggle with an addiction, give yourself the gift of recovery. Will power alone doesn't work in the long term.

I gambled for 14 1/2 years, so 6 years of recovery is still nothing compared to my loss of such a long amount of time gambling. I plan to keep going to meetings for the rest of my life, sponsor others, rework the steps, and know that if ever I am in need of a friend, all I need to do is call someone else in recovery or go to a meeting. Yes, it's that simple.