Cleaning House

I still need to organize my room. I still have boxes of I don't know what packed in storage. I still have the stuff I shipped home from Carswell in the box. Three weeks home and I've done almost nothing on making my space feel like home. Maybe I'm stuck in a rut.

Best way to get out of a rut?? Make a goal, a reasonable one, and stick with it. For me, that means putting each step into my calendar for the day I am to do it. By the end of July 4th weekend, I will have my room set up how I want it, my things put in their respective places, and all necessary things unpacked (some boxes are just going to stay in storage for a while... three people living in a not-so-big townhouse). This gives me a week to accomplish these tasks. Maybe all I need is to know I'm off home confinement to really get moving.

Today, we have a house cleaner doing some deep cleaning. That will be good motivation for me to get my stuff organized. In fact, I already started, as I needed to clean up for the cleaning lady (isn't that an oxymoron?). I believe a house cleaner should spend their time doing deep cleaning, not moving piles of stuff around to be able to dust.

So, I look forward to accomplishing my home goals. I have a lot to look forward to when I'm off home confinement, I certainly don't want to come home to an unorganized mess. Maybe I should stop this blog post and unpack that box over there...

Emergency Lockdown

The following was mailed from Dragonfly to Survivor on 3-14-2014.

Survivor,

I’m lying on my bed, with all my roommates doing the same, at 3:30pm. We were just told to stand for emergency count. We had full inmate recall at 2pm and they did a staff recall at 2:30pm. I’ve never heard them do a staff recall. Looking out my window, there are several emergency vehicles, staff in hazmat robes, and several inmates being looked after under the outside pavilion. Word is that the mail room opened an envelope that has powder in it. In a place like this, I would think it’s much more likely to be drugs, than anthrax, but we are on lockdown. I say, “word is,” because I never believe anything unless I hear it from staff. Never the less, people in place like this are so immature, faking medical concerns, just to get laughs. This place makes me think of junior high more and more. I hope they don’t just keep us in the dark to make up stories. I pray they will tell us the truth about what’s happening. There is a possibility that we could be on lockdown for hours, or even days. Not sure what to expect. I’ve only experienced being on lockdown for hours, except for when the ice storm hit, but we still ate and did email in the main building. The medical staff are here now, doing a second count, which I’ve never seen before, either. Okay, now we’ve been counted 6x, a normal count is just 2x, something is really different.

The inmates that were being held and medically checked under the pavilion were just escorted back into the main building. One, a friend of mine, who is currently in a wheelchair, lives in my unit. Only reasons they’d be going that way would be to go to the clinic, or even, isolation. With all the rumors, anything is possible. I pray this is just a “scare” and not anything real. Don’t’ worry, I was not near the area of the main building where this supposedly happened today.

Another recount, really?!? This is the reality of prison, just do what you are being told to do, don’t ask why…. same count on my floor. We are told to stay in our rooms, but people just go off to the bathroom without permission. Come on, it’s an emergency. I just saw an officer run into the high-rise with an oxygen mask, not my unit. It has truly been the oddest week, since I stopped working.

When they called this recall, I was in the clinic, waiting for my Embryl injection. At first they told us to go, but then they rushed us through. The nurse put the alcohol pad on my stomach to clean the area, but then put the needle in at a different spot. I guess that’s better than one of the nurses, here, who uses the alcohol pad to clean the skin surface AFTER pricking me with the needle. Umm, Duh!

Oh, the inmates that were being held were just brought back to their units, yay! I’ll be able to get the scoop from someone now/soon, I hope. I’ll keep writing this until I know the story, I’m sure you’re curious now.

Most the medical staff have left, but they just announced for us to stand up for another count, really?!? Inmates are yelling, “stop counting.” Like they think that’ll do any good except piss off staff. The first couple counts everyone was so quiet, but now they are jabbering with roommates and some aren’t even standing (yet).

Now we are being told to just stay in our rooms. People can go one at a time to use the restroom, that doesn’t work so well at a place like this. Good thing I don’t have to go. People are disoriented, “I need to pick up my meds at the pharmacy,” “what about dinner?” “can we do our laundry?” People are unable to just accept that for right now (it’s 4:15pm now) we are in our rooms. My roommates are quiet and on their bunks, this is why I like my new room! Someone asked if we can know what’s going on but silence on that topic so far. Oh, they turned off our phones at the recall, so we couldn’t call out, email was on, but of course it’s monitored and takes hours to be processed before it gets to our recipient. I’ve also never seen them turn off phones during a recall before. Well, I’m well stocked in my room, so no matter what, I’ll be fine. I’ve got food, beverages, craft projects, books and plenty of people to write. I finally picked up a pen and paper earlier this week to start writing folks back, I’ve been so bad lately at writing. A friend had sent me some extra stationary when she wrote, so I was able to keep some of the letters concise, like to G.A. members. I barely know on who just signed a card.

One of my roommates, the young longwinded one, decided to make herself something to eat, pig skins with hot water, Vienna sausages. Well, let me just say, it stinks! I’ve never had a pork skin, and I don’t anticipate ever trying it. She just asked what I’m writing. I told her my bff and that I could write you an entire notepad and never run out of things to say. A new officer just came by with a clipboard and our names, my roommate had started napping but she said she had to “see her face,” so we woke her. She checked off each of our names and moved on to the next room, is someone missing? Why so many counts? Are all the housing units going through the same thing? Perhaps I’ll get the story tomorrow or rather stories, as so many rumors are bound to persist.

My roommate says she ‘thinks’ she saw a news van leaving the premises. We are on a military base, the news couldn’t get here, that’s the kind of rumors that spread.

It’s 4:30pm and usually our insulin lines are released now and people also start heading (by unit) to dinner. If dinner happens tonight, which I’m sure it will, my unit will be eating super late. Of the 8 units, we are last because we failed inspection last week. I’m guessing dinner for us will be sometime between 7-8pm. Those that have to do the 2-hour pill-line wait will likely be out til after 10pm. This place is all about order, and when something goes wrong, the routine goes haywire, causing inmates to get restless and agitated, best thing for me is to stay in my room all night.

I’m currently reading “The Goldfinch” and it’s an excellent book, but 250 + pages in, I’m not even halfway through it, so that will keep me good company, and of course, there’s this letter to you.

People are allowed to do their laundry, it’ll be hours off schedule, but that is indicative of some normalcy coming back. Please keep this letter, I will probably want to give it to Hazel [here it is going on Hazel!] in the future! Of course, we have no idea how it will end.

Nearly 7 months next week. Each day an eternity, but not so bad looking back. Just 3 ½ months left at a maximum. I got a message back from the Warden today that he’ll check with medical, but ultimately my release is dependent on their paperwork, that should have been completed in December. Two of my roommates are in the exact same boat as are hundreds on this yard.  We are forced to max out because paperwork is not completed on time.

I was just thinking, if this happened in the mailroom, they may not provide us with any of our mail, we will never know who wrote, what was sent, etc. That would really suck! It’s 4:50pm now, still no word on anything. People are freely using the restrooms, although I don’t think anyone would dare risk a shower.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about school. I’m not prepared to give up on it, yet. I need to follow through and try to “reapply” and perhaps look at some additional programs to consider. 

Staff that was supposed to switch over an hour ago are still here, working alongside the folks who came on duty at 4pm. Once again, something that does not usually happen.

5:25pm. Still on lockdown. Ate some fake Doritos and read from my book. There are two officers outside talking with an inmate who is crying. No idea if it has anything to do with the emergency, but they are the only one’s out on the compound. Now there are 3 officers with her and she’s being walked into the main building. No idea why. New rumors flowing, but no real new news, everyone is still locked down.

Back from a restroom/gossip break. 5:40pm. Everyone hears about the white powder. Even if they have to treat it like anthrax, we think it was probably coke or something like it. Could the woman who was taken into the main building be the person it was addressed to, perhaps? Even those locked up for years say they’ve never heard a “staff recall” and/or had so many people doing counts. Lucky me for still being locked up so I can experience this, not!

Oh, “insulin line” officially called, they ‘may’ be reopening the compound, we still are not allowed to roam our unit (no “clear”), but it’s progress, nearly 4 hours since this “emergency” started. 

I need to decide if I’m going to dinner. Lola and I planned to meet up and eat together, but our units may not be called for hours. Plus, it’s enchilada casserole which is really disgusting, here. There are a few meals I like, but most are pretty gross.

“Clear!” we are finally allowed to roam our unit. I’m off to talk to [my friend] in a wheelchair, who most likely knows what happened! Stay tuned…

6pm, okay, here’s the story. A woman in the mail room opened a package and a white substance came out out and the worker immediately broke out on both of her arms. The ventilation system was turned off, everyone was watched to see if contamination occurred and someone was carted off to the main building, probably the “recipient” of said package.

We may never know what substance it is/was, but my friend who was getting her tooth pulled at the time, was there, held back for monitoring, and I know she spoke the truth. I’m glad she’s okay.

We did not receive our mail today, and something tells me we will never receive anything that arrived today. We receive no mail on Saturdays. Hope I had nothing important today, I still usually get mail every day.

Well, thanks for waiting out this ‘emergency’ with me. I’m glad we are no longer on lockdown. Crisis averted, I suppose. I’ll always wonder though, what was the white substance and what was the crying woman’s connection to it all… Unlike a CSI episode, this mystery may never be solved.

I love you!

Dragonfly J

A January Letter Tells All to Survivor

As done earlier in this blog - I am posting a letters that was written during my time of incarceration. The following is the explanation posted on 9/13/13 in the first letter posting:

"In a later post - after I am home - I state that I will post some of my letters home on the date that they were written. I post everything from the letter except for things that are personal about the person I am writing that is not relevant to the experience of myself or prison. In the letters I may not have used their pseudonyms - however that is changed for the purpose to keep this blog consistent and to keep everyone anonymous as always. Other than those few changes for the purposes of consistency and anonymity, everything listed here is exactly as it it written in the letter - including how I used shorthand or symbols. Some things may be similar to what I write in prior/later blogs. Other things I may not have written at the time on the blog because I knew it was being monitored. I take photos of any images and include that as well."

1/27/14

Survivor -

I haven't been writing letters much. It's a failure of my emotions and my hand. It hurts when I write a lot. Also, I always write less when I most need to write - when my emotions are in overdrive. It's so much easier to write when I'm fine and I can just observe everything around me. It's much more difficult when my thoughts are lost in my head, my senses on overdrive, and I can't exactly put words to what I'm feeling. That has been the case for sometime now.

I am honestly okay. I will survive this and I will be stronger for it. In fact, this place helped me find my creative side again and I hope it lasts - not just crafts or writing Hazel - but I wrote a play in my head a couple days ago - that hasn't happened since I was a teen. In many ways I am inspired in new ways, although I am not giving up on my old goals.

I am going to fight my way back into [my University]. I know it's not the end of the world if I don't receive my PhD, but I've worked too hard and am too determined not to keep moving forward. If I give up now, I'm a victim, but if I hold my head up high and reach my goal, I can be living proof of moving forward, succeeding when others want you to fail, and following healthy ways of living.

We can either wear our addictions, recovery, and convictions as chains or they can be scars - always there, but forever healing and fading. My life just got a little more interesting, that's all.

My visit with my folks was alright. it's the first time someone left and I cried. I want to be able to be there for my folks, my grandparents. The stress on my mom is highly noticeable. The reality of visiting me here showed on their faces. [My step dad] was brought to silence, my mom to shock.

I am currently in the "lab." I was on a call-out to have blood pulled today. I'm supposed to be tested every 1-2 months, but this is the first time since early October. I'm very curious what the results will show. I had to send cop-outs (requests) to get them to order the labs, saying, "please look at my paperwork and order appropriate labs..." But what I think officially got me in was my trip to the rheumatologist last week. She immediately asked why my labs are so old, I just looked at the C.O. with me. "I'm in prison", is my thought. So she ordered Carswell to do my labs. I pray everything looks good enough, so I can get medically cleared. Otherwise, I may be here until my out date in July :-(

I'm not upset to be missing work today. There are a lot of mean people there who decide to gang up against me and try to get me fired. It has nothing really to do with me, but I just take it all as it comes. I'll be out of here long before them.

I'm becoming quite the crafter. I can't sit and do nothing, so I always have a project going. My crochet is getting much better. My plastic canvas designs are a hit. Unfortunately, it's hurting my hand a lot. The way the rheumatologist talked about my condition is form of spondyloarthropathy that is mimicking rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and fibromyalgia. Why can't anything with me be simple? My fatigue is super bad right now and I've had a cough for several weeks. I'm going to sick call this week.

Being at Carswell is truly a one of a kind experience. Throw away all the "how to survive prison" handbooks. They simply do not apply here. Also, it's b.s. that you walk out with no friends - all us white collar folks tend to find one another. It'd like people in G.A., people you never thought you'd make friends with, but in the end, we support one another through this. It's not like my relationship with you, or people on the outside, but it is real. [The officer we met the day before I surrendered] made many statements that day before my self-surrender, that are just not true. Even the people I room with show kindness and goodness at times.

I think Sporty is coming in for another weekend in March. She's been so good to me. She sent me pics of my new room and it looks very warm, cozy, and comforting. I can't wait to sleep in a real bed again - with enough blankets, a comfy pillow, and no alarm, count, or people yelling out, "dryer three." (that's the call to tell the person in Dryer 3 that their clothes will be removed from the dryer unless they immediately com e and remove them as it is time for the next person's clothes). I wash on Sunday's & Wednesdays. The laundry wars are fierce - how do 260+ women wash their clothes 2x each week in 45 min wash/dry cycles? Fights, yelling, stolen items, etc are all part of the daily routing in the laundry wars. I think A & E should pick it up as a new show.

I've not yet given up on going to the camp across the street. My doc just needs to sign off on it, but I've never seen my doc. I'm thinking I should have an appt within 2 weeks. Perhaps God wants me here to see South off. She leaves 2/10. I can't wait to introduce you two some day. You will love her!! We'll have to take a road trip some time to see her.

Well, move is about to open. Back to work for the rest of the morning.

Miss you tons - Love you more!

Dragonfly

Letter Mailed Home to Survivor

In a later post - after I am home - I state that I will post some of my letters home on the date that they were written. I post everything from the letter except for things that are personal about the person I am writing that is not relevant to the experience of myself or prison. In the letters I may not have used their pseudonyms - however that is changed for the purpose to keep this blog consistent and to keep everyone anonymous as always. Other than those few changes for the purposes of consistency and anonymity, everything listed here is exactly as it it written in the letter - including how I used shorthand or symbols. Some things may be similar to what I write in prior/later blogs. Other things I may not have written at the time on the blog because I knew it was being monitored. I take photos of any images and include that as well.

9/13/13

Hi Survivor,
I've thought a lot about you today. I wonder if something is happening to you or your family that is putting you at the forefront of my brain - or maybe it is just that I miss you!

I have a new room! The whole room is 10' long and 7 1/2 ' wide. About 2' separate the 2 bunk beds - four people in 75 square ft. Here's a diagram: Room 140 in Unit 1 South (first floor)

They moved 4 of us out of the bus stop to make room for the people who are not paying their frp (restitution payments) due to lack of finds or being an frp rejector.

Unfortunately South is still stuck in the bus stop and she is not happy about it, but she does not complain. It's going to be hard not having her nearby - as we have really supported one another a lot. Since I'm housed on the first floor, I can't go on the second floor so there's few ways for her and I to communicate. My new roommates I don't know, but they are named ***, ****, and *****. Not good that my name rhymes with 2 of my roommates.

I do not have a great window view. I see the indoor center and a lot of perimeter fencing (a constant reminder that I am locked in). My window faces east. The bars on it are thick and grey - yep, I'm behind bars... But, a new adventure starts with this move. There's no guarantee that I'll be in this room permanently - nor my roommates, so it's all a day at a time.

I'm having a blanket crocheted for me. It's going to be brown, ayran, and possibly burgundy. I figured I can take it home with me and it will go will with my room or the living room. 

In 10 minutes, 8:45 pm, I have to check-in for "extra duty" - meaning I have to clean the unit from 8:45- 11pm, except for standing count (which I do not have to stand outside my room for anymore, just inside). I was talking with Chi in the hall & didn't realize it was 4pm - which means we both have extra duty tonight. People with extra duty have to wash walls, floors, etc. I let the C.O. know that I can't stand the full 2 hrs & need a job that accommodates that. We will see. I keep getting in trouble for not knowing rules... Must go.

Love,

Dragonfly

Why my judge said I can't complete my doctoral program, why she iswrong, and why I do not have to listen to her

It sounds a little uppity, my saying that I know more than my judge or that I do not have to listen to her. Truth is, we cannot change our sentence, especially if we accepted a plea. Part of a federal plea is to know that we cannot be absolutely promised a specific sentence and that we cannot appeal the sentence we receive. Our only appeal rights are for insufficient counsel (very hard to prove unless your counsel happened to miss your court date or slept through your hearing) or if the judge went beyond their scope. In the case of my sentencing hearing, neither specifically occurred, although it appeared the latter had.

I mentioned prior that we had not prepared for the sentence I received. Even more so, we all believed - my lawyer, probation and even prosecutor, that my being back in school doing well and working on my doctorate degree in education was a mitigating factor in my favor. All the sentencing briefs stated as much.

The judge, however, prior to even giving the sentence in my case made it clear her opinion on the matter stating something close to, "I believe you need to consider a new path. The education path you are on is not going to lead to a job and it is INCONCEIVABLE that you will get hired as a faculty member in education with a felony at any public or private non-profit institution..." She then put a restriction on my post imprisonment supervision on my having credit or loans (including school loans). I explained that I will be eligible for a loan forgiveness program sponsored by the us government after ten years of working as a faculty member, but again she emphasized that I am kidding myself to think I could gain employment in that sector.

It was one thing to be going to prison and have to stop out of school and work, but her insisting that I must drop out of school was devastating to me. I've been back in school for two years. I have worked very hard, I have earned fellowships, scholarships, and research grants. My goal is to make a difference in how students are able to engage in the classroom. I've been fortunate to travel to Vietnam and South Africa to learn and work with colleagues. Walking away from this new career (that I love) absolutely makes no sense. My addiction and crime caused me to give up my former careers, friends, etc. I could not believe the judge was forcing me to do it again.

That night, after the sentencing, I cried harder than I had in a very long time. Later, with a clearer head, I realized the judge overstepped her role and I needed to read the judgement. If she forbade my education in the judgement, I could appeal. If she did not, then it was up to two people at my institution if I could stay and to answer whether I would ever get a job - the ombudsman and my advisor. I received a copy of my judgement earlier this week, financial restrictions will make it hard for me to stay in school, but the judges comments were not officially part of the sentence. She saved herself from an appeal. On to handling this within my school.

The Ombudsman serves as a confidential, neutral, informal and independent resource for student concerns and conflicts. I actually spoke to the office of the ombudsman at my university immediately after knowing the case against me was moving forward many months ago. I didn't want to hide. I knew the office was confidential and I needed to know my rights and responsibilities. Being a doctoral student gave me more rights than I realized. I had no responsibility to tell anyone anything, as long as I did not lie on my application, which I did not (these charges came nearly 2 years after I applied). In fact, I never had to tell anyone, even if I were to be convicted and going to prison, like I am. I at least agreed with the idea that until I knew what was happening, I had no responsibility to tell anyone.

That all changed last Friday, though, when I realized I would be gone for a full school year and that the judge believed I would need to leave school. I decided the person I needed to tell was my advisor, Dr. P. When you are in a doctoral program, you are assigned to a faculty advisor who kind of mentors you, assists you through your program, helps select your courses, ensures you stay on track, and if you stay with them, heads your dissertation committee. I've been wanting to tell Dr. P. and dreading telling Dr. P. for a long time. Dr. P. is a very well known and well respected scholar. Yes, I feared her judgement, her rejection. I feared she would say something similar to what the judge said, only I started fearing that long before the judge ever said it. But after the sentencing I knew my education fate was essentially in Dr. P.'s hands. If she wanted me out, I'd be out, if she were willing to fight for me, I may be allowed to stay. Our minds play wicked games on us. We always fear the worst things happening. Scenarios, even when bad things do happen, rarely turn our as bad as our minds think they will go.

Anyway, I had to wait until today to meet with Dr. P. I asked her last Sunday for a nontraditional meeting, outside her office and not confined to a short time. Neither of these things have I ever asked for and she accommodated both, but she knew I was not coming with good news. We met in a private conference room where no one would bump into us after, so if I were in tears, I could just leave without explaining myself.

I prepared many thoughts/questions in advance. I did not know what she would say, so I was prepared for most scenarios. Typical, I wasn't prepared for what really happened. Not only did she understand and support me and tell me that I'm "stuck" with her. She told me that she understands addiction from people in her life, that she is sorry this is happening to me, and that without a doubt I will not be kicked out of my university or my program. Even more, without my even asking, she wants me to do an independent study while incarcerated and do some reading toward my dissertation and also journaling around my observations of higher education for women prisoners.

When I told her about what the judge said, she said that she would like to, "smack the judge on the head" (in a nice kind of way of course) and that the judge absolutely does not understand our careers, how we get hired, or my employability. Dr. P. emphasized that the judge was absolutely wrong. In my line of work, if a background check is done at all, it's after hire, and as long as I am honest, it will not keep me from being hired. She also said that with my story, my background, skills, and areas of specialty, I will be very hire-able within the sector and she is not worried. She is willing to tell that to probation if she has to. Dr. P. feels that no one else needs to know the exact reason I'll be gone and I'm comfortable with that. We will tell folks that I am taking a leave of absence for personal reasons. It is not a lie. Once again, it is the difference between discretion and deception and discretion makes sense.

So, that's why the judge said I had to quit school, why she's wrong, and why I do not have to listen to her!