Two Weeks at Home

After two weeks on home confinement, I really question why this is not a viable option for so many non-violent offenders that are sent to our federal prisons. I am culpable for my actions, I am able to take on real responsibilities and work, I can maintain community ties, and I'm much more likely to be able to meet my restitution requirements. I'd like to say that there was some benefit I received by doing my time in a prison, but the benefits I received were of my own doing. There was no program, staff member, or opportunity offered by the BOP that made it make sense for me to be in prison. Here, I'm still under BOP custody, AND I'm able to be a much more productive member of society.

I admit home confinement isn't the right fit for everyone. You have to be fairly independent. You have to accept limitations to freedom. You have to marry your home phone. You have to be able to support yourself or have someone willing to help you out. You have to follow lots of rules - some that may be illogical. You have to keep your home alcohol and drug free. You have to have healthy outlets for stress at home. You have to be willing to go wherever the BOP wants you to go and whenever they want you to. You have to be able to answer your phone out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. You have to allow strangers to randomly stop by anywhere you are supposed to be to ensure you are there.

I am doing pretty well on home confinement. I really have no complaints. Due to my health, I've had a lot of practice spending long periods of time at home. I'm also lucky to always have the great companionship of Superdog, who still rarely leaves my side. Having a pet at home can make home confinement much more bearable.

I have just over two more weeks until I'm officially at my "out date" and supervision starts. I'm hoping the last year has helped me slow down enough, that I don't try doing everything my freedom gives me at once. Supervision will come with its own set of challenges that I imagine I will face. Even so, this home confinement options seems like a good option for so many people. With the prisons overcrowded with too many non-violent offenders, a home confinement sentence in lieu of prison should be considered a much more viable option and better for community as a whole!

100 Things

Sometimes, I can't help but get caught up in the negative. I think writing yesterday's blog actually led me to thinking about the haters too much. I did the thing I should never do, I googled myself. It's like I was asking to be punished.

Once my head was filled with all the anti-me crap out there, sleep was impossible. I went to Sporty's room at like 3am, woke her up, and said I couldn't sleep - just like a toddler does to their parents. She works my same program, so what she said to me was the advice I would give someone else... Make a list of 100 things I'm grateful for. She meant to write one in the morning, but instead I just started going through my head and naming things - ga, people, house, being home, clothes, walking, cooking, education, places I've traveled to, etc. the list got long, although no one counted it, and I was able to sleep - my head now filled with positive things instead of negative. 

The Internet is a wonderful thing - we can find the answer to nearly any question at lightening speed. When a child asks, "why is the sky blue?" We can give them the scientific reason. I don't know can nearly escape our vocabulary. Instead it's, "well, let's google it..."

It can also be an enemy. The Internet has a much longer memory than people. Yesterday's news can resurface. It doesn't know to let go of the past or not worry about an unknown future. It finds answers based on popularity, not timing. Words, not thinking.

If ever you make the mistake I did, and google yourself, try making your 100 list. Then, remember, words are words and may live forever, but people are able to forget, forgive, and move on.

Furlough

I am sitting at Au Bon Pain at DFW airport eating a toasted bagel with cream cheese. It's the first bagel I've enjoyed in 10 months. I have about an hour until I take off. My morning was full of emotions, and, yet, now I'm here. I'm on furlough to the RRC (halfway house). Legally, I'm still in custody.

Sleep was difficult last night - but I did get 4-5 hours. At 5:30am, I got up and started getting ready - change out of a pair of grey shorts and t-shirt into a different clean and ironed grey shorts and t-shirt. Pack my last minute items - book light, pillow cover, book, water bottle, and attempt to zipper my bag. People came to me and hugged me, wishing me luck. I stood with the Third one, waiting for the announcement that food service is open - announced at 6:05am, which is when we are allowed to leave the unit.

Taz walked with me and Freckles met us outside. I could already tell that Freckles would cry - happy tears. We've literally gotten each other through this experience. She'll be leaving in just over a month - so she's right behind me. Unfortunately, Taz still has a couple years.

Taz stood at the line with my overflowing grey bag, while I went down to the chow hall with Freckles. Two bites of a bad bagel and about 10oz. of mile and I got up to go back to the line - anxiety was hitting me. Taz took off to get some breakfast and I stood in like with Freckles, Red, and the Third one. People kept walking by and at least one of us was being hugged. A lot of "don't come back!" was uttered.

Another wait as the mail line started to form behind us - and then we heard keys. An officer held our files and called us to follow him to R&D. I hugged Freckles and Taz one last time and down the hall I went. It was only my second time in R&D. The lock-up cells lining the left wall. I remembered back to my first day and sitting there with Chi as we were processed in.

As we walked in, the officer opened a cell and told Red to have a seat on the concrete built-in bench. He closed the door and locked it. She has a detainer from her home city and we didn't know if they'd come and pick her up or let her come home first. For months, she's been trying to get an answer. She has young kids at home and is needed there. We prayed she'd be busing out today. She gave me her mother-in-laws (MIL) phone number just in case the Marshall's did come for her.

The Third one and I got processed - another thumb print, signatures, see if my clothes arrived (nope!!), etc. I peaked through the cell window at Red when I could. I hated that she sat in that room alone and no one knew yet if she would be going home or with the Marshalls.

When the Third one was being processed out, the paperwork had a big mistake - she's supposed to be flying out - but in her pocket they'd showed she was busing it - for like 3 days. Even I know that she was supposed to fly - she's a care level 4 (the highest!). She got super mad, had "words" with the officer for a while. I felt powerless. Finally, the officer told us to follow him to the business office. I put my hand on Red's cell window, not knowing if I'd see her again.

About 7:15am, we went to the business office. They talked a long time and wah-lah, they found the Third one's plane ticket! Once again, have they never done their jobs before?

Freckled happened to walk by and so we got one more good hug in. She was waterwords this time. She will always be a good friend - we have South to thank for connecting us!

When I got up to the business office window, they handed me cash for my taxi and meals - $69, and a debit card with my personal balance $3.15! I can't even us and ATM to withdraw that amount. But, hey, it's like almost what I made my first month working in prison. It's valuable to me. The debit card is from the BOP, has my name on it, AND it has my prison photo!! The height chart behind me and all! That's something to be proud of - ha!!

Many of my former students came by to hug and thank me. I told them to continue learning, some to go to college. We exchanged warm hugs!

We walked back to R&D, past everyone in line for records, the mail room, and property. They watched us, with our grey bags - we were leaving. Lots of waves and "good luck" and we were back at R&D. Peeking in at Red, she motioned that she's not going home. I also heard the C.O.'s talking about waiting for the Marshalls to arrive. She is going to county to be picked up within 30 days to then be brought back to her home state and stand before a judge. I can only imagine what is going on in her head, but I was very sad. I don't like leaving someone I care about facing the unknown alone. She's strong (much stronger than me), though, and she'll pray and at least she'll be out of Cars-Hell! Good thing I have the number to call her MIL.

The C.O. then processed our medications - I received my seven self-carry meds for 30 days and, later, a large box with my enbryl on ice packs. Now, I had to squeeze the medication into my bag and start carrying the now pretty light but LARGE box, with no handle. The Third one had to help me stuff the medications in my grey bag. I received a cd of my medical records as well :-)

As we walked to the exit gate, Freckles was there once again - waving and screaming goodbye. What a friend!!!

I'm on the plane now - waiting for take-off. I had priority boarding and a window seat. Other than my dark greys, and see through grey bag, you'd never know I was a felon on furlough. Anyway, back to leaving.

We headed to the security office at the prison, received our envelopes with our cash and tickets and I was given my box of medication and we were then brought to a white van. the can is considered a "town car," and is driven by two women inmates from the camp. Nearly every day, their job consists of taking inmates who are leaving to the airport and bus terminals. Quite a different job than those available to us behind the fence.

We dropped a camp inmate who'd been down six years to the front gate first. Her family was supposed to pick her up at 7am. We were there at 8am and there was no sign of them. So, we had to leave her at the visitor's center. I hope she found her family!

We then started our drive out of Fort Worth, past Cowboy's Stadium, past Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor, and finally toward the airport. The Third one and I were each dropped at different terminals to catch our flights. Security is always a nightmare when carrying liquid medication. It can't go through the x-ray, so I have to ask for a hand search. My other stuff went through the x-ray and I go through the fancy machine where I have to put my hands over my head and it puts an image of me on a screen - all clear.

Then I am pulled to the secured area. I'm told I have to be pat down due to my needing a hand check. I say, "I know, no problem, been through that before." They don't know that just recently I learned the correct stand for a pat down. I turn around and put my arms out and she tells me that I should face her - okay, that didn't work at Carswell last week! As she does her pat down, she informs me of how and what she is doing at each step ("the back of my hand will now go under your breast"). Another thing that doesn't happen at Carswell. My body, my medication, and my bag are all cleared and the NTSB guy builds me a handle for my large box out of NTSB tape. Now, I don't have to use two hands to carry it. I thank him and find my way to the gate.

I called Red's MIL, but only get her voicemail. I left a message about the Marshalls, hating that I had to leave a message. I'll try calling again later.

The plane just took off and I'm flying out of Texas. My furlough ends in about five hours. I'll likely sleep through most of it. Thank god I brought my earplugs. Turns out a chatty-Cathy who is on her 2nd flight ever wants to tell her life story to her neighbor right behind me. I'm looking down on clouds.

The Last Night

Okay, I need to admit yet one more thing... going home didn't really hit me. Too many walls up in a place like this. I hoarded things - "what if I'll need this?" I held on to more clothes than needed. I had a bunch of "just in case" thoughts.

It didn't help tonight when I looked at the call-out sheet and I'm not listed for R&D tomorrow morning. None of us are. Someone really failed in their job. We were not on any of the usual "hey, you're leaving" call-outs. I'm only sad about that because across the fence, at the camp, Lola will not see that I'm leaving. The camp and prison share a call-out sheet. That's how I know when Lola and Chi went through camp orientation, that Chi got a job at the power plant, and that Lola is a camp orderly. I can kinda still keep tabs on my friends from afar. I know Lola is looking me up too. She won't know, yet, that I'm leaving.

So, Red, the Third one and I suspect we should be at R&D at 6am. They could come get us earlier or we can stand there for over an hour, no way of knowing. Doesn't matter, we are all leaving here tomorrow - one last line to stand in.

Tonight, I had dinner with Nurse. Others joined us at the table. Nurse made a spice noodle tuna soup concoction - sounds different - but I ate my part all up - YUM! Then, I sat with Mama and other friends and played a couple games of Canasta. A perfect wind-down. I, then, took a shower, for the last time in those prison showers, and got comfy.

People shared contact information with me - parents/spouses names and phone numbers, so I can check up on how they are doing. I shared my info as well. We aren't allowed to communicate, but it doesn't stop us from caring about one another.

I had some good talks with friends - Cali, Taz, Red, Bunkie, and others. They know I care. I know they do. Soon, I pray, it will be them going home. I gave my lock, a highlighter, and anything else I had left to give away to a new woman who has no financial support. She was grateful.

So all that, and I still didn't have a big smile on my face. I still didn't believe I'm leaving. Until... I threw away five pairs of cheap, nameless, tearing at the seams, stretch band coming off, white granny underwear!!! That one act got a huge smile on my face. I'm leaving and I can wear my cute hipsters once again! I am still carrying a couple pair with me, since I didn't get my out clothes, but, soon, those will be tossed as well.

So, what got me to fully realize I'm leaving is getting rid of the tighty whities. Who knew it could be so simple??

From Dragonfly: Shiny Happy People...

How do you make about 20 inmates excited, cheering, high 5ing, hugging, and crying tears of joy all at the same time? This is not intended as a joke... you inform them that the U.S. Sentencing Commission unanimously passed the new sentencing guidelines to take non-violent drug mandatory minimums down two points. This is what I announced yesterday evening, and that was the response of almost everyone around me.

The mandatory minimums for drug crimes have overfilled our prisons with sentences of five, ten, twenty, and even lifetime sentences. People who have never held a gun, never hit another person, are behind bars (and away from their children) for decades. Many people with drug-related crimes can receive sentences higher than murderers, sex offenders, or other violent crimes. This has been going on for many, many years. In my experience in this prison, nearly half the people I meet here are for a drug-related (conspiracy) charge.

When I announced that the new law passed (Congress could still act on it, but it is not expected) and will go into effect in November, with retro-activity, nearly everyone near me was here under one of those mandatory minimums. The amount of time off their sentences varies greatly, but generally they are looking at years off their original sentence. Some will be eligible for release the minute the law goes into effect, others will still have some time to serve, but the end is much closer. One inmate, standing near me, said, "That means I have only 14 months left... seven months once the law goes into effect. After six years of being here, I will go home next year!" She looked a little in shock and everyone around her gave her a high-five.

Another inmate announced that she will be eligible for immediate release. She received hugs. The thing is, I'm not quite sure there will be any "immediate releases." Imagine the paperwork that will need to be completed by every federal prison in the U.S. for each of the inmates who will be eligible for the reduction. Even if the computer system automatically reduces everyone's sentence, the case managers will need to prepare for each person's release - halfway house, home confinement, or straight home. Each inmate will have to go through all those hoops (especially in a medical facility like this one), to ensure they are medically able to leave. As of right now, no processes, no regulations, are yet written on this tremendous news. People will still need to have patience to see what will happen and the timing of everything.

It's easy for me to just write all that, the law does not affect me. I am a fraud case, a sentencing topic that the commission is also considering a 2-point reduction on, but has not taken action yet. Also, I will already be home when this law goes into affect. For others, this law will allow them to move forward in their lives, hold and hug their babies, and live without a fence blocking them from the rest of the world sooner than they imagine. I was very happy that I was the person who was able to deliver the news. I usually don't just make announcements, but this was news I was not going to keep to myself.

From Dragonfly: Seeing Improvement

Region has been here for the week. I don't know what was said, but there's already some improvement that we are seeing. For example, a bunch of people were called to pack-out, and they are going to the camp across the street. Like me, these folks had been waiting, waiting, waiting... only, they were not denied due to medication like I was. We've seen four people from my unit and several from others heading to R&D to get processed and change their Khakis to Greens.

The food has been better this week as well (although, they appear to have run out of butter). They are following the menu and things are even tasty - like the soup I had two nights ago was the first time I could stomache their soup. My pork chop last night was really over-cooked, though, so some improvement is still required.

Tuesday, at sick call, a person from region sat in the corner. He saw how the papers were picked up at 6:15, but no one was seen until after 7. He questioned them, openly, and low and behold, everyone was seen by 10:30am. No 5 hour waits! People have been talking with the regional people about transfers, medical levels, halfway house denials, lack of accessibility, and more. They've gotten an earful. I imagine this happens at every institution, but we certainly had a lot to share that are probably unique to this one.

There's no way of knowing what will and will not change in the long term. Running a place this large, with so much turn-over, cannot be easy. I certainly would not want the job. I would say, straight out, that putting all these folks together would not work. The medical staff is overwhelmed, the lack of separation of security levels is cause for concern, and the inability to have anyone's papers processed timely borders on cruel. People are forced to stay incarcerated because they have yet to see a doctor, decisions are made based on paper notes and nothing actual medical, and people are not given straight forward answers on what and why. It's certainly troubling.

I know that I will be gone soon enough, but I hope that things do get better. There are good women here, and they deserve to be treated thoroughly and respectfully. A woman with a single lung should not have to live up 24 stairs. A woman shouldn't have to threaten, "take me to the hospital or take me to the SHU" because she absolutely knew something real was wrong... she went to the hospital and died there. A woman should not have to walk around with legs as blown up as tree trunks with no idea of what to do or how to get any relief. A woman should not have to wait months for her first doctor's appointment, when she was sent to a medical facility. A woman should not have to wait in line for hours to obtain pain medication for pain made worse by waiting in line for hours. A woman in a wheel chair should not have to do "extra duty" because her roommate did not clean her own bed area well. A woman should not have to urinate on herself because she was not given access to the elevator to use the bathroom for over an hour and a half. Her friends having to carry her up the stairs so she could then clean herself off in the shower. There are a lot of things people shouldn't have to do, even in prison. People deserve their dignity. So, improvement is really necessary.

I'm glad to see the improvements. I hope they continue and that the staff here are learning about ideas that are economical and, yet, necessary. Prison is not supposed to be comfortable or friendly, but it should provide the most essential things to every person behind the fence. I thank region for spending the week here. I know that a lot of people are excited about what they learned when talking with some of them at main line. Maybe, just maybe, that is why we are starting to see these improvements.

From Dragonfly: The Sounds of the Morning

Around 5:40 every morning, a mass amount of the nearly 300 women in my unit are awake and the sounds start. This morning, while stretching and after reading my daily meditation/serenity reader, I closed my eyes and just listened. This is what I heard between 5:45 and 6:05am.

The constant hummmmmmmm of the ice machine.
"Hey, can you grab my sweatshirt?"
Bang, bang, bang, boots going down the metal staircase.
Screech, someone pulling a plastic chair on the concrete.
Click, click, click, click, as people unstack plastic chairs to sit and wait on.
Chatter - can't make out the words as people wait near the front doors.
Swish - every toilet flush can be heard.
"R____!!!!" "R_____!!!" (calling someone's name).
Bing, bing, bing - an alarm clock going off
Bang, bang, bang, someone coming up the metal staircase.
Click, click, click, more chairs.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, two people going down the metal staircase.
"Hey, can you grab my mp3 player off the charger and bring it to me?"
SSSSSSSS, a new shower is turned on.
Flush.
Bang, bang, bang.
Pound, pound, metal on metal as someone empties their trash can into the larger receptacle.
Swoop, swoop, someone getting ice out of the ice machine.
Ice machine goes quiet for a moment.
Flutter, flutter - a new sound, pigeons in a fight on the small landing outside my window.
Flush.
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
"Turn off that damn alarm!"
Bing, bing, bing, bing.
Sssssss.
Kaboom! The ice machine released a huge amount of ice.
Swoop, swoop.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter.
"Hey, S_____, going to breakfast??"
Flush.
Pound, pound, pound.
Flush.
Ssssssss.
Sweep, sweep, sweep, someone near my room is sweeping their floor.
Flutter, flutter - the birds are at it again.
Chatter, chatter, chatter.
Hhhhhhmmmmmmm - the ice machine pops on again with it's constant Hmmmmmmm.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Swoop, swoop, swoop.
Sssssssss.
Flush.
Laughter.
Click, click.
ZZZZZzzzzzzz - a hairdryer is turned on.
Hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm.
Chatter, chatter, chatter.
"Are you awake??"
Laughter.
Squeek - a desk stool that needs oiling.
Chatter, chatter.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Bang, bang, bang, bang.
Flush.
Ssssssss.
Swoop. Swoop.
Pound, pound.
Sweep, sweep, sweep.
"Hey, can you grab the dust pan??"
Chatter.
"Good morning everyone."
Screech.
Click, click.
"Hello."
Ring. Ring. The guards keys hitting each other.
Bang, bang, bang.
Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hhhhhmmmmmmmm.
Squeek.
Pound, pound, pound, pound.
Flush.
Flush.
Click. click.
Swoop.
"Ugh." - someone screams as all the lights are turned on.
Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter.
Pound.
Flush.
"Ah, choo."
"God bless you!!!"
Screech.
Chatter, chatter, chatter.
bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
Flush.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Click. Click. Click. Click.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Pound, pound, pound.
"Shit, I forgot my i.d."
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Flush.
Pound.
Sweep, sweep.
"Hospital food service is now open, hospital food service is now open..." over the intercom.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.
Clack, clack, clack - a person on a cane walking to the door.
Vvvvvvvvvvvv - women dragging their walkers.
Vvvvvvvvvv.
Bang, bang, bang.
Clack, clack, clack.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom - chairs being restacked.
Clack, clack, clack.
Vvvvvvv.
Screech.
Bang, bang, bang.
"You coming?"
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Flush.
Click, click.
"Wait up!"
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Bang, bang, bang.
Boom, boom, boom.

Well, I think you get the idea. These sounds will now continue until after 11:30pm tonight. Welcome to the sounds of Carswell.

From Dragonfly: Just Three More Hoops, I Hope

My plan to obtain insurance was accepted by social work and she sent the plan, along with her "verification" message to all the appropriate parties. I tried to talk with the woman responsible for finishing my exit paperwork, but she was not in her office, so that is hoop #1 tomorrow - to get her to officially complete the exit summary and upload it to my computerized file.

Tomorrow's hoop #2, will be to see my case worker, for the forth time this week, at 2pm tomorrow. If the exit paperwork is in the system, she will complete the paperwork necessary to send to my region for processing. Once that is mailed, it's a waiting period of up to 60 days to hear back.

That's hoop #3, region "accepting" the plan and approving me to go to home confinement in May. They could still decline me due to my health condition or if they don't believe my resources will allow me to be taken care of financially/medically. I pray that the research we did in the last 24 hours will help them feel okay about the plan. Even someone I know, recently went to the ACA website for health care and were qualified for a $400/month policy for only $65/month based on family income. Even if that were my monthly fee, that's affordable - exactly what the affordable healthcare act was meant to happen - help those who are unable to afford health care coverage, to receive it at an affordable rate.

So, if this paperwork is sent off this week, there is a chance that I will be able to go home on my home confinement date of May 28th. There's no possibility of it being sooner, as there is simply not enough time and there are procedures on how much home confinement someone can receive. If I'm okayed, but it takes too long for the process, I could be going home in June. Of course, there's the absolute end date of July 2nd if all else fails. I have a lot of hope for the 28th, though. That's just over 2 months and something for me to really look forward to - an out date that will put me home just after my parents' anniversaries (both sets of parents have the same anniversary - long story) and I will be able to start my process of getting back on my feet that much earlier. I can't wait to start my future - one day at a time.

So, there are LOTS of us facing this same number of hoops in order to be released from here as a care level 3. I have had soooo many people come up to me and ask about my process so that they know the next step for themselves. Due to my experience, I watched one woman jump about three of the initial hoops just today - she went to social work, she talked with the person responsible for the paperwork and she went to team to get the official paperwork request. All these things could take weeks/months if you don't know the process.

Therefore, I decided to sit down and write the full process of trying to be eligible for community programs (halfway house/home confinement) for people who are a Care Level 3 at Carswell. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote - 6 pages worth of steps and information for everyone to consider. They can now look at it and start their process 17-19 months out, or if they are here shorter, the day they arrive. It's a guide to all of this and it took me only an hour to write it all out. I showed it to Appeal, because she, too, receives a lot of questions from folks. She read through it, loved it, and offered to type it up for me so we can make copies. That's awesome. I'll share what I wrote here, once I get it back from her. It lays out everything, including all the ways we can have to max out, if we are not approved at each hurdle. I hope that the information I am providing to folks will get more women out of here earlier, and closer to their spouses, children, grandchildren, and their life after incarceration. Perhaps, long after I am gone, that document will still exist and women for a long time will not have to learn the process as they go, like I did, but will be given the tools to advocate for themselves from day 1.

Getting Out of Prison...If you are a Care Level 3 at Carswell:

On March 22, 2014 I wrote that I would share the 6 handwritten pages that I wrote about the process of getting out of prison one you are above a Care Level 2 in federal prison. I am posting it later and through the magic of "blogger" I am able to have this post as of 3/23/2014. However, I am actually typing this up from the comfort of the lanai at my mother and step-father's home in Southern Florida, where they moved in late 2015.

1. 17-19 months prior to your exit date, your case worker should start the process for halfway house/ home confinement.

• If you arrive with under 17 months of incarceration remaining, this process should begin at your first team meeting (30 days maximum after arrival.

2. If you are needing a case transfer from the district you were sentenced within to a different district in which you actually will be going to or live in within the U.S., this process should start as soon as possible. Your case worker will need to do a little leg work to find the appropriate office in the state of transfer, and will submit paperwork on your behalf. You will need to sign these documents before they are sent.

• In order to transfer your case, the best case scenario has you having a home address you plan to live at once released (even if going through halfway house first. A probation officer in the new district will visit the new address within 45 days of receiving the paperwork, will interview people living there, and will approve the new home. They will then send a letter to your case worker saying the transfer is complete.
• If you do not have an address yet, you can still try for the transfer based on the halfway house you will be going to, but there may be additional hoops you will have to jump through.

3. Before your case worker can submit your documents to the region your district is in requesting community confinement (i.e. halfway house/home confinement), you will need medical services to complete an exit summary and upload it to your computerized file.

• As of my time in prison, there was only one person who could do this, and her last name was a favorite day of the week. Only she could complete the paperwork and she started in her position in January, 2014. She, also, has several steps to her process - the most important  being a request to your assigned doctor to write a simple declaration stating what community confinement programs you are "Medically Appropriate" for. You must be medically cleared for this process to occur.
• As a medical level 3, the doctor can recommend halfway house, home confinement, both options, or neither. Medically, some people are forced to MAX out their time.
• If you are approved for halfway house, it is UP to your team to decide how much time to request. Some people are recommended for one month, some up to 12.
• If you qualify for the second chance act to receive up to one year halfway house (drug/alcohol treatment during prison, etc.), that process should begin at the 17-19 months prior to your exit date, if at all possible.
• If you are approved only for home confinement, you must do some more work on your own to get your exit summary approved.

4. If you are only qualified for home confinement, the prison requires you to be able to prove you have health insurance prior to approval.

• You will need to to to Social Work in the psychology offices.
• Working with the social worker, you will need to show that you are financially capable of supporting yourself (or you have someone at home who is going to help support you until you can get back on your feet) and your healthcare needs can be taken care of financially while on home confinement:
• Early in your incarceration, is possible, have a spouse/partner/parent send in a NOTARIZED letter saying that they agree to help you financially and medically upon release sent to your case worker. Have a copy of the letter sent to you so that you have the copy in your personal records (just in case).
• Even if you cannot get such a letter, you can also show proof of employment, your financial plan, or proof that you qualify for government financial assistance (i.e. social security, disability, etc.). You have to have someone do this work for you on the outside or you have to do this work for yourself BEFORE you turn yourself in, because NO ONE can do it for you and you can't do it for yourself once you are on the inside. There's no way to find the answers and no access to the internet.
• In order to show proof of health insurance, you have several options - THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT:
• obtain a copy of your current insurance card with a phone number so the social worker can verify you are covered and/or will be covered upon release
• show proof of medicaid/medicare from the past and some proof that you will requalify. Provide a phone number to the local office if possible. Important to note that you are NOT QUALIFIED while incarcerated, so your benefits are cut-off while you are/were in prison.
• If your state is an "extended medicaid" state un the Affordable Healthcare Act (i.e. Obamacare - like the law or not, it brought a lot of healthcare rights to ex-prisoners), bring in proof that your state approved the extension, what it covers, and the application process. If you did not do this research before going in, have someone look it up for you and send it in to you asap.
• Some states allow you to apply while still in prison, some will not. For me, I had to apply after I was released, but was approved immediately for medicaid and paid $0/mth. I was asked to reach out to the Social Workers at FMC Carswell and tell them about my experience so they felt more comfortable about having people use Obamacare if in an extended medicaid state and they actually wrote me back and thanked me for letting them know my experience.
• Have a family member go to the Affordable Care Act (ACA) website and find what other health care plans may be available to you due to low/no income. Under the ACA, a plan can start at as little as $9/month. 

5. Once you are able to prove financial and medical coverage, type up a statement of what you have found, with any support documents, and provide this to your social worker.

• Once the social worker feels you have health insurance and support and/or are likely under the ACA to obtain medicaid, they will send an email to Medical Services to say they have verified everything. At that time, Medical Services can complete your exit summary.

6. The exit summary must be uploaded to your computerized profile (which is done when they get to it). Once uploaded, your case worker will complete some documents, likely requiring your signature, and send it off to your region. It can take 60 days to hear about halfway house space, depending on your region. Some regions are quicker than others. Your region can still deny you medically for halfway house and/or home confinement, so just stay hopeful and do your best to have no health complications during your stay at Carswell (or another medical facility). If denied, you will likely have to max-out your time.

7. Even with health insurance, sometimes the out-of-pocket expense for our medications can be quite high. Please have someone go to the medication website and look up "financial support" options for people who have low income. Often the manufacturers have assistance, secondary to your insurance, and ensure you will have a low/no copay.

• For me, this was one of my requirements, I had to show that I would still qualify for the Enbrel financial support card that ensured my co-pay was never more than $5 whenever I was not on medicaid. Medicaid paid 100% so it was not an issue during that time.

8. Another option for some, is to work with their doctor to lower their care level to a 1 or 2 (Freckles was able to do this). Some conditions or medications preclude this from being an option (like mine). If you can do this, you can avoid needing an exit summary, and just work with your case worker to get things moving (much, much easier!!!).

Happy :-)

Letter to Survivor 3-21-2014

Survivor [HAPPY STICKER],

I put “happy” because I am. I wonder if you can feel my smile all the way there, it’s warm enough to even melt your snow. My exit summary is complete and my papers are being mailed to my region on Monday to request my home confinement. May 28^th, 65 days and a wake-up….I can do that!

It’ll be the perfect time of year. I may be having to stay indoors during home confinement, depending on my probation requirements, but it will be nice weather and my windows can let in fresh air! Hope will be ready to be ridden. With all the students heading home earlier in May, some jobs may be available as well. My future starts in May J

I miss you sooo much. It’s been 7 months since you dropped me off in the parking lot. My emotions were on hold, as I walked to the truck to begin the 5-minute ride across base to the prison. Shock was all I felt for days. I want to help ensure less of us ever have to go through this experience. Prison is not the answer for non-violent addicts. I need to help build the alternative, be part of the solution.

I started writing, I think a book. It wasn’t intentional. I couldn’t sleep a couple nights ago and at 4am, it all just spewed out of me, my Prologue. I’ve had 4 people read it. They say they want “more.” I want it to read like a novel, even though it’s non-fiction. I think it achieves that and draws in readers. I’m writing it long-hand, of course, but I’m just inspired to give a message of hope to others. I’m putting out to the Universe that I’m going to publish with a major publisher, and try to be on Oprah’s Book Club choice. Why not? Ha!...

I love you, Dragonfly J

From Dragonfly: Passivity

In my life, prior to recovery, I was very, very passive. Everyone who knew me, knew that I could stand up for others, but not myself. I was always concerned with what others thought of me - my entire self-esteem was built on reputation. I took it incredibly personal when someone was mean to me - and I allowed myself to be the victim of all types of abuse. In many ways, I believed I deserved it. This was in my "broken" sense of self, lost in addiction and victimization.

It took a couple years of recovery and counseling, but I learned to say, "no," and mean it. I learned to set limits and have healthy relationships. I learned where my passivity stemmed from and I worked hard to change myself. It is a process, likely lifelong, but it is always interesting to see me not act passive. It shocks me as much as anyone else. I used to just allow myself to be pushed around, I didn't even think about it, and, now, I have boundaries.

I had a test as to my passivity last night. As I've written before, three days of being iced in has made everyone restless... and I must add that today is ANOTHER day of being iced in... no work, no education, no activities... anyway, I digress.

Anyway, last night after dinner, I came back to the unit (no where else to go) and wanted to work on a creative project I am doing. The atrium offered no available tables or chairs, so I set up at the small desk in my room. No one was there, and it's the perfect surface. It is about a foot and a half long and 2 feet wide. I took all my items and set them up on the table and my bed (which is directly to the left). Colored pencils, markers, glue, notes, pictures, drawings, cards, etc. Everything was placed where I could easily reach it and I started to work on my project.

Next thing I know, my roommate walks in and asks me, "how long are you going to be at the table?" I respond that I don't know, I'm working on a project. She informs me that she is unable to be in her bed if I am sitting at the table, because she is 'clausterphobic.' I tell her that I don't know how long I will be, but she's welcome to sit on her bed. She continues to argue with me that my being at the table is disrespectful to her. Now, just two days ago, she was at the table for hours working on making a cheese cake. I said nothing. It's a table that all four of us can use - that's why it is there.

I tell her that I'm sorry she is uncomfortable on her bed with me on the table stool, but I really want to work on my project and there are no available chairs or table space in the atrium. So, she starts to scream at me that I am inconveniencing her and not respecting her needs. I say nothing and go back to my project. She then informs me that when I am on my bed wanting to sit, she will sit at the desk. I say, "That's fine. That's the reason the small desk is here." I go back to my project. She calls me a bunch of really ugly names, says I'm being inconsiderate, and storms off.

I sit there shocked for a minute. In my past life, I would have done anything and everything to avoid any confrontation. I knew she was being unreasonable, but I would have still given in and moved and stopped working on my project. As always, others heard this disagreement from outside the room and was telling me how insane she is, that she is so selfish, and that they are glad I stood up for myself. I am, too. Of course, now, she has not said a word to me in a day. I'm fine with that.

Funny thing is an observation Army and I made about Bandana. As soon as one of us starts talking to the other, Bandana will start singing loudly or start a conversation with Braids. She does it intentionally to make it difficult for me and Army to talk. Just last night, I was working on a crossword and asked Army if she knew the name of a Venetian boat ("Gondola" - but I'd spaced on it). Anyway, Bandana starts loudly singing her song as we discuss the word. Army thinks it is because Army is intimidated by the more intelligent conversations Army and I have. I don't know the reason, all I know is that Bandana is much more inconsiderate than I could ever be!

Now, I could have just given in to Bandana and stopped using the desk. There was no where else I could go to do my project, but I could have just given in to her and things would be much less stressful. That's what she wants. She wants to see that she can "control" me. She's been locked up for 12 years - since she was 19 years old - and only knows life as a convict. On the other hand, I will leave here in months and I need to leave here being at least as strong as I was when I entered. Sure, I am passive at times... Braids asks me to get something out of her locker almost every time I'm standing at mine. I say, "yes," because it is in no way out of my way and there's no good reason for me to say, "no." She doesn't ask if I'm in my bed.


It's important in prison to not be passive. It is also important to always remember that others' attitudes, activities, choices, aggression, bad behaviors, smells, passivity, violence, etc. has nothing to do with you. It is about them. Best thing to do is to separate yourself from their negativity and find something to keep you busy - for me it's all my projects. Usually, work also helps. When I have none of these things, I read. It's just like "filling the void" with recovery - we need to find healthy activities to keep us busy and away from the craziness.

I am no longer the passive person that everyone can push around. I am proud of this growth. It makes me a better person, even if it pisses off those who want a victim. I am not their victim. They may be angry, but that is not my fault. "No," is a very real part of my vocabulary now.

Letter Mailed Home to Survivor

In a later post - after I am home - I state that I will post some of my letters home on the date that they were written. I post everything from the letter except for things that are personal about the person I am writing that is not relevant to the experience of myself or prison. In the letters I may not have used their pseudonyms - however that is changed for the purpose to keep this blog consistent and to keep everyone anonymous as always. Other than those few changes for the purposes of consistency and anonymity, everything listed here is exactly as it it written in the letter - including how I used shorthand or symbols. Some things may be similar to what I write in prior/later blogs. Other things I may not have written at the time on the blog because I knew it was being monitored. I take photos of any images and include that as well.

9/13/13

Hi Survivor,
I've thought a lot about you today. I wonder if something is happening to you or your family that is putting you at the forefront of my brain - or maybe it is just that I miss you!

I have a new room! The whole room is 10' long and 7 1/2 ' wide. About 2' separate the 2 bunk beds - four people in 75 square ft. Here's a diagram: Room 140 in Unit 1 South (first floor)

They moved 4 of us out of the bus stop to make room for the people who are not paying their frp (restitution payments) due to lack of finds or being an frp rejector.

Unfortunately South is still stuck in the bus stop and she is not happy about it, but she does not complain. It's going to be hard not having her nearby - as we have really supported one another a lot. Since I'm housed on the first floor, I can't go on the second floor so there's few ways for her and I to communicate. My new roommates I don't know, but they are named ***, ****, and *****. Not good that my name rhymes with 2 of my roommates.

I do not have a great window view. I see the indoor center and a lot of perimeter fencing (a constant reminder that I am locked in). My window faces east. The bars on it are thick and grey - yep, I'm behind bars... But, a new adventure starts with this move. There's no guarantee that I'll be in this room permanently - nor my roommates, so it's all a day at a time.

I'm having a blanket crocheted for me. It's going to be brown, ayran, and possibly burgundy. I figured I can take it home with me and it will go will with my room or the living room. 

In 10 minutes, 8:45 pm, I have to check-in for "extra duty" - meaning I have to clean the unit from 8:45- 11pm, except for standing count (which I do not have to stand outside my room for anymore, just inside). I was talking with Chi in the hall & didn't realize it was 4pm - which means we both have extra duty tonight. People with extra duty have to wash walls, floors, etc. I let the C.O. know that I can't stand the full 2 hrs & need a job that accommodates that. We will see. I keep getting in trouble for not knowing rules... Must go.

Love,

Dragonfly

I Didn't Want to Lie to You

On 9/11/2013 Dragonfly Hazel wrote a letter to Survivor during a really tough day. It did not start or end with "I am okay." The truth was, she could not lie to Survivor:

9-11-13 

Survivor,

Just finished the final standing count of the day. I’m in my bed trying desperately to stop the water falling from my eyes. I’m telling myself the serenity prayer. I’m repeating that, “other people’s opinions are none of my business.” I am just not emotionally strong or capable of handling the meanness of people here, especially some of my roommates and no one has my back. No matter what kind of “friendship” I think I’m forming, in the end the only person here I can count on is myself. Recovery wise I am strong but part of my recovery was to “feel” again. I had years of barely ever crying in my life, but feeling comes with consequences and my tears are one of those consequences. People tell me to be strong, but I’m not made that way. I am kind and sensitive, both of which are weaknesses in prison.

So, what happened? My roommate [Danbury] made us dinner tonight. I assisted a bit. We had fun and enjoyed the food. My roommate separated the food in 7 pieces, one for each of us, but 3 of the roommates were not here at the time, so the food was put aside for them. Around 8:40pm, I came back to my unit/room from the email office. We all have to be in our room at that time. Well, the roommate who cooked, offered the food to the others and when one of them didn’t immediately take her up on it, I added that the food is really good. Supporting the roommate that cooked. Suddenly, the other roommate [Hust] who had declined the food screams at me to not butt into the conversation. It’s not like it was a personal, private conversation. Then she tells me that everyone in the room is just annoyed and frustrated with me, since I “know” things and sometimes give my thoughts on stuff. Everyone else is allowed to, but I guess I am not. I pointed out that she often gives her opinion on things I’m talking about and/or breaks into conversations as well. We are a ‘room’ and people just talk all the time. They just don’t want me talking. I sure as hell don’t think it’s a good thing to fit in at prison. South, my older “friend,” said nothing, she just reacted facially to the other roommates mean, hurtful comments. That’s the thing about prison, no one has your back, silence is our safety.

So, I just lie down, open my book, start trying to read and hide my tears. But, my friend Chi comes by and wants to talk, so I go out of the room with her and she can see I’m upset, but I won’t’ tell her why, she just knows my roommates can be particularity mean. They are in the bus stop because of their past actions (unless they are new) including time in the SHU, fights, mouthing off, and more. I am stuck here because the minute a lower bunk opens somewhere, there is a new inmate placed in it. I am stuck due to no bed space anywhere.

I get back in my room and my roommate immediately think I was talking about her and I was not. I said nothing, Chi saw I was upset and comforted me, but I have held true to my conviction to tell on no one for any reason, to avoid getting beat up or worse. So, as she is telling me not to talk about her, I reply, “I don’t talk about you.” Such satisfaction she gets from her power trip, I have only been nice to her, but she can’t stand that I have a hard time bending down to get things under beds, that I am educated, that I follow the rules here and don’t engage in the underground market, and that I have commissary funds. She doesn’t like that on my second day, I did not hide food for a different roommate whose locker was being searched and that I said, “I’m here to do my time, not anyone else’s.” She hates the amount of mail I get. She calls me a brat because of my outside community of support. Putting me down is her power trip. She said everyone is annoyed with me, yet who gave her the power to speak for everyone in the room? I didn’t see or hear anyone else nodding or agreeing. These are strong women from the streets, involved in humongous drug rings. Yet, I know that inside they are just a product of unfair circumstances and/or addiction. They have fired guns, been in fist fights, and have high violence tendency. I am a “0” on the prison’s violence scale. They are imprisoned for years, the woman harassing me has been here 10 years. 

Meeting someone like me probably makes no sense to her. Later, as I was reading, Hust came over to my bed, not to apologize per se, but to hug me and tell me she still likes me. I guess she got an earful when I was out talking to Chi. I sat here and she hugged me, but I did not return the hug, no matter how hard she tried. All I said to her was, “Okay” to whatever she said, acknowledging but not forgiving. This is the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and it is important that I forgive, but I need time. Her hug made me think of any abuser, who goes psycho, but then tries to hug for forgiveness. She stated clearly that she does not think she did anything wrong, as she is “warning” me because other inmates will treat me even worse. Like somehow her actions will change me and my personality?!? What if I have finally come to terms to accept myself just the way I am and I do not need a career offender telling me how I should “act.” I am humble, giving, sincere, and honest. I choose to maintain these qualities, even if it means that I am not liked. 

This is not about being comfortable in prison, my goal is to accept responsibility for my past actions and to accept that it means spending months being uncomfortable and out of place in this place. 

People do not have to like me, but I cannot be their verbal punching bag either. I had a harassing supervisor at [a past job] who put me in a bad place, but I had choices and could leave that job and the harassment. Here, I have no choices. I must handle everything with no place to feel safe or accepted/acceptable.

I do not want to be hardened by this experience. Recovery gave me the right to have emotions. I feel prison will try to take it away. Every day, my letters and emails help me hold true to my true self. I will continue to be so grateful for the short breaks they give me from my current reality.

Okay, I know, depressing letter, ugh. But I can’t give a therapy and I needed to get all of this out. Thank you for reading.

Love, Dragonfly

p.s. Sorry I didn’t start this letter with, “I am okay.” I didn’t want to lie to you.

Logging a Full Day at FMC Carswell

(Handwritten 9/9/13 - added to blog much later and backdated to correct date)

The following is 12 double-sided pages (24 pages) which start at 4:45 am and the last entry is at 10:45pm.

4:45am

Wake-up on own; stretch painful joints

4:55am

get out of bed to go to restroom. Bump into South on way out of room. She has a 4:50am laundry time & must wake early on Mondays in order to do her laundry for the week. Everyone seems to have at least one bad laundry time (Mine is 11:30pm on Wed.)

5:00am

Back from restroom where I see women who work in the kitchen already getting ready for the day. I give my booklight to South because she now needs to stay awake in order to move her laundry to dryer in 30 min & then take her clothes out of dryer later. Although there is no complete darkness here, it is still too dark to read where her bed is situated. I try to go back to sleep, but 2 roommate alarms go off several times over the next half hour. Instead, I stretch my muscles & joints while laying in bed. Officers do bed checks.

5:45am

One of my roommates starts speaking in her regular voice (ignoring that some are asleep) to another roommate. Lockers bang as some roommates start to prepare for the day.

5:53am

All the lights in the unit are turned on 7 minutes early by an inmate, pissing off one of my roommates who screams, "It's not even 6am yet."

6:00am

Chatter - people are using the restrooms, showers, and standing around in large open space downstairs. Constant noise seeps into room. People are waiting for door to be unlocked for breakfast - a walk to the main building & down to the chow hall. I usually do not go to breakfast and today I remain in bed (writing this). Loud announcement about male and female officers.

6:10am

Chatter stops indicating the offer unlocked the door. Now noise is bathrooms and roommates getting ready only. All roommates are awake, but not all are getting ready, yet. Almost all of us shower at night or during the day, so getting ready is a fairly quick change of clothes into our uniforms.

6:18am

South hands me my watch. On Sunday nights she borrows it so she can wake at 4:35am for her laundry use. She is done now. She & Danbury go through the laundry to find a couple items owned by Danbury (who does not have a laundry time yet). As people wake and leave the room, their beds are completely made - in case of inspection. We must wear shoes at all times when off our beds, so shower shoes (crocks or old flip flops) are usually worn in the room & within  the unit. Sneakers for leaving the unit. Carswell is the only institution I know of that does not require steel toed shoes - except for certain jobs.

My very young roommate uses the railings of the bed to dry and hang her stuff - her locker is overflowing, so I always find a towel, shirt, socks, and even her mirror hanging onto my bed or having fallen onto my bed by morning. She never apologizes. I have to pick my battles with her and her volatile reaction to everything keeps my mouth silent. Sometimes South throws the young one's stuff back on her bed for me. No one gives South a hard time because of her age and grey hair. Everyone but Danbury and I calls her "Grandma." For some it is a sign of respect, for others it is a sign that she is easily taken advantage of because of her age. But South is smart and doesn't do what she doesn't want to (although she's a bit too generous to people who want things without anything in return). I call her by her first name - because she is a friend and because I want to acknowledge her as an individual - not just one of the several women over 60 who live here (going to the chow hall you hear "grandma" frequently toward anyone a little older). 

6:30am

South is making her bed. She informs me that she will wash my blanket later in the week. Last night the young roommate was 'cooking' and using Mayo and "accidentally" sprayed it across the room. It landed all over the floor and also on South's top sheets and blanket. The young one was informed that she needed to wash the sheets/blanket - which must be a separate load than our clothes which take up the full washer. The young one did have laundry yesterday, but did her girlfriend's laundry, instead of South's bedding. Not cool. She never even talked to South about it. So South will need to beg for another laundry time or wait 4 days til her other laundry time, to get them done. I sleep with only my sheet on me these days, so I have South my blanket last night to use. I am fine with it. Although I am pissed that the little one got away with having no responsibility. As said earlier, we must choose our battles - this girl likes to fight! 

6:50am

South and I sit on our bunks and whisper. Danbury returns from ironing her uniform. She uses the trashcan upside down to sit since she has a top bunk. She says, "another fu**ing day down." Silently, South and I just not our heads. South informed me that I tossed and turned all night. I'm not surprised due to the stiffness & pain in my joints. Rocker, another roommate, falls asleep. She couldn't sleep all night, but falls asleep with all the background noise. South says Rocker has her nights & days  messed up. With no outside window, I can see how that could happen.

Danbury, South, and I sit quietly watching all the morning movement to/from the restroom through our big window and open door. South and Danbury drink coffee.  The little one enters, having ironed her girlfriend's clothing and tries to look cute as she goes to work her "extra duty" of 50 hours that she earned for being caught in her girlfriend's room last week. She has many 'friends' and is constantly being social. South tells me to just stay in bed all day. I have no call-outs today. She has one - getting her vitals checked for the 16th time since her arrival one month ago. One day, they checked her vitals three times. No one, not even the nurse checking them, knows why South gets a call out every other day for vitals. 

The  little one came to the room, took her soap so she could wash her girlfriend's mug and then gave it to her girlfriend. It sickens South and I because she is a slave to her much older girlfriend who does nothing in return.

 7:00am

Hust, another roommate, comes in speaking in her regular voice, waking Rocker. The little one comes in too. Hust made a deal with our room last night, she will clean everyday if we each give her something for the week - a ramen, ranch dressing, batteries, a hug, anything! To stop the tension around cleaning, we all agreed, except ID, who refuses to really clean or pretty much do anything for the room. For some reason, though, the Little One starts cleaning the room now. The light flicks on in our room, causing Rocker to officially wake. No one warns of turning on/off our room light - whether we are reading, sleeping, etc. Respect for the others does not exist. Every time South or I do it, we count "1-2-3" to warn others, but no such warning back.

7:05am

Danbury realizes that the officer trying to help her get a 'real' mattress is not on duty for a couple days. The need for 'real' mattresses, especially by those of us on medical, becomes a real issue that gets rather frustrating as our requests can be ignored, forgotten, or promises that never come through are given.

7:20am

The little one loves to wear headphones with her Mp3 player and sign out loud, even though she cannot hold a tune. I'm "needing" to leave this room. I'm grabbing my uniform, so I can go out.

7:40am

I am in my uniform, but can not leave the unit for an hour. Our current C.O. gave passes early, so I am late for this hour. I have to wait until 8:45am for a pass to email. I just finished the Jonathan Kellerman book I was reading, so I am without a book at the moment. This is one of the biggest differences between a camp and being here. Here we can't "move" until there is a 10-minute "open move" - in a camp there is an "open campus" for hours at a time. I look at the camp across the street and the women can take long walks and be out and about, except for formal "count" times.

7:45am

Rocker tells Danbury that the new federal law about past actions being forgiven will apply in her home state. I explain that state law and federal law are two separate systems and the state does not follow the federal criminal code. Rocker argues with me and I just give up. She does not realize I have a J.D. and know what I am talking about. She constantly says things that are untrue. South and I have already learned to double-check any information Rocker says to us. 85% of the time, Rocker is mistaken. It gets exhausting because she will argue her side forever, even when proven to be wrong. Here, my knowledge is not honored by most. I've just kept my mouth closed mostly, but I like Danbury and I don't want her believing something that is untrue. Conversation ended when Danbury had to leave for a "call-out" to the labs.

When Rocker leaves to go watch a movie in the chapel, South and I get an opportunity to have the room to ourselves. We are both drained by this time in the morning. The drama, conversations, and constant noise (as well as well as the overhead lights) are all mentally draining. At least once a day we look at each other and can't believe we are here. 

8:05am

Rocker comes back in the room. She couldn't get a pass. I finally look at how she dressed this morning - she's wearing one of the uniform "dresses" - which look more basic and uglier than an amish dress. It is like overalls on top with no style as it goes almost down to the ankles - straight down except for a large pocket on each side. At the bottom, inmates must wear socks & gym shoes or their boots. A t-shirt is worn under.

I drew a picture - I think you get the idea. It is not flattering on anyone!!! I do not have one. 

Rocker is talking about how many "partners" her kids have children with. Most out of marriage. She has six grandkids. Most of her family is currently also in prison as part of the same offense. A random woman walks in and asks for a dust pan. We don't have one. All of us have to search for cleaning supplies when we need them.

8:45am

Wake from a nap. Going to get a pass and go to email. Can't believe I slept with so much noise. Hust and the little one are in the room. Spanish music is playing out of headphones loud enough for the whole room.

9:00am

Arrive in email room. I like mornings because there is no line.

9:44am

Finish email. I had one message and sent out about seven. I also printed five mailing labels. No open movement yet, so I stand near the doors leading out of the building.

9:55am

Arrive back at my unit after passing South on walk back. She's heading to get her vitals checked. I walk in 1 South and pass a woman who flirts every time she sees me. I say, "hi," and keep walking, showing no interest. She must be on something, because she is always smiling and says she's "wonderful." Walk to the line to return passes and "thank" the C.O. I do not hear a lot of "thank you's" around here. Then I walk past the phones (all used plus line) and past the 10 tables set up in the atrium between four silent tv's where women sit listening to the television of their choice with their radios and headphones and work on crafts. Freckles is there and sometimes I'll talk with her, but I choose to turn and go up the 24 metal stairs to the second floor.

Only Danbury is in our room. She is reading but decides to take a nap. I like quiet moments in the room like this - except for the constant mumble of sound from elsewhere on the unit. Someone will also scream, drop something, yell names from downstairs to upstairs non-stop. It becomes like white noise in here. I've napped through it all.

10:00am

I always lock my locker when I'm gone. I have finally memorized all my #'s - locker, email, phone, registration, and even South's locker (I help her open it). I open my locker and pull out my water bottle. I always have ice and/or water in it. It says my name, as Hurst had a paint marker and put it on it.

10:05am

Hurst comes into the room. She has made up her bed with a bed set crocheted for her - with her name and it goes with the Dallas Cowboys theme. It looks nice. Nearly everyone with much time here gets a bed-set - either they make it or they hire someone to do one. I don't know how to crochet. Hust just promised me the cotton blanket she was using. It is softer than our given blankets and looks like one I use at home from my mother. She hasn't given me the blanket yet. 

Hust gets her stuff ready for a shower - we all grab showers when we can. There are about eight working stalls each upstairs and downstairs - for the 260 or so of us. The showers are not too bad and we have real doors on them (not curtains) and most the doors lock. Hust asks if I will be here so she does not have to lock her locker. People steal if they think they can get away with it. Since South, Danbury or I are usually here (at least one of us), our room is pretty secure. I have about 2-2 ½ hours until lunch now. In 15 minutes there will be “inmate recall” where almost everyone needs to return to their unit. We then just wait until our time to be called for lunch. Our cleaning got us 7^th out of 8 for this week, so we wait longer than 6 other units.

 10:15am

I lay down and just “think.” I also do leg exercises. I am now in my uniform pants with t-t-shirt untucked. As soon as anyone spends time in the unit, we take off our button down shirt, hang it, and untuck our t-shirt. Some go into their shorts or sweats. But I’m planning on lunch, so I just do the top shirt.

10:25am

Hust is back from her shower and dresses into her uniform. She is neat as she gets ready – laundry into her laundry bag (kept under the bunk bed), towel rehung, etc. We don’t ever leave the room with a mess. Well, sometimes little one and ID does, but the rest of us don’t.

10:30am

Inmate Recall. The noise in the unit increases 3-fold as everyone comes in. Danbury’s nap is about to end due to the noise.

10:35am

ID and Rocker enter the room. ID shuts off the lights as she enters, even though the bus stop lights are supposed to be on all day – she cares about nothing and nobody. Makes no difference that I am writing. She and Rocker start talking in regular voices even though Danbury is asleep.

10:40am

Hust comes in and turns on the light. ID is pissed, but she does not fight with Hust. No one does. If anyone else turns on the light, ID throws a fit! I thank Hust for turning the light on. She says nothing in return.

10:45am

Rocker and Hust start fighting verbally in Spanish. Only thing I understand is when they use each other’s names in English, Hust says that Rocker should help cook their lunch. She asks Rocker to reserve the microwave and help out instead of going to the Chapel to watch movies. Little quips like this happen all day long.

ID is pissed that Hust walked out but left the light on. She is passive-aggressive and says, “I’m tired as shit and I want to go to bed.” But, she is sitting on her bed reading. When she lays back, she continues to complain about the light – although I am writing and Hust is coming in and out singing to herself. Yesterday, Hust complained about tension in the room. I can say three of us are just observers to it all. ID walked out of the room, told Hust she wants the lights off.

10:50am

ID walks back in the room and turns the lights off yet again. Three of us are up doing things, but she wants to sleep. I am very tempted to turn the lights on. But I don’t. These women are not afraid of using their fists, lying, and setting up others to get in trouble to get their way.

10:52am

Rocker turns her headphones up loud enough that everyone can hear Spanish music. The noise outside my room & screaming of names is constant. South comes in. I tell her why the lights are off. She tells me that if this keeps up, she is going to ask to be moved. “Me too.” Although I already requested, but there are no beds. I wish I could record the amount of noise going on right now.

Still 1 ½ hours til lunch and we are all stuck here. I’m heading to the bathroom (must bring my own toilet paper).

11:00am

I give what I’ve written so far to South to read. She agrees I’ve caught the essence of being here. Hust screams, “Why are you whispering?” I whisper that people are sleeping. She says loudly that no one let her sleep yesterday. Then she asks South why she’s reading in the dark and gets off her bunk and turns the lights back on and walks out of the room.

At that, Danbury gets up and is shocked she slept for an hour. So am I, given the constant drama & lights on/off for the last hour!

11:10am

Insulin and short line are called to lunch. They are always first and we go about 45 minutes to an hour later. We are told it’s going to be chicken wraps, so we look forward to lunch today. I’m hungry as I haven’t eaten anything yet. I’m out of any commissary breakfast food.

11:15am

ID wakes and is pissed that the lights are once again on. South is making herself instant coffee. Hust walks back in. ID keeps making faces and is bitching quietly to herself. South and I just look at each other and shake our heads and understand one another perfectly. 

Everyone is up now except ID and Rocker. Tocker is still listening to her music and rocking herself to sleep. She always “rocks” – also her hand is always down her pants – this is not a ‘hidden’ action. South and I can’t figure why she has her hand down her pants or why she rocks, but there you go – that’s what she does. ID continues to bitch about the lights. No one responds.

South informs me that there is a “story” around Hust and the new bedding. I’ll learn it when we head out to lunch. Danbury carries our condiments bag to me and asks if we need it for lunch. We three (South, Danbury, and I) share condiments purchased from commissary. I say, “yes” as the chili garlic sauce or mayo may be good.

11:25am

ID finally sits up. She needs to go to somewhere to fix her email. Danbury tells us that they took 8 vials of blood this morning from her – no one is close to the 26 vials they took from me. She can’t figure out why they didn’t take her cumadin levels – the reason she’s here – typical. South isn’t being treated for Lupus or COPD and I’m not getting my most important medication. Chi can’t get her cast off, even though her arm cast should have been removed last week. Oh well. As always, South and I are just grateful to have someone here that understands.

11:30am

ID’s friend walks in the room (we are not allowed in anyone else’s room) and she talks to ID. Now ID talks loud even though Hust and Rocker are sleeping. Hust is called to switch her clothes from washer to dryer. With such limited time, we constantly hear that someone needs to do something with their laundry. ID finally leaves the room.

Hust sees our condiments in the sad plastic bag we are holding them in. She says she will find us a bag that closes. I’ll believe it when I see it. Danbury starts talking to Hust about the fact that she can’t get a laundry time. She keeps being told there are no open times. Unacceptable – she’s been here a week & has no laundry time. Not cool. Hust then asks if the little one has done South’s laundry yet. Nope. Totally irresponsible.

Danbury, South, & I talk. Danbury talks about how our “asses” get no “air” time and get pimples. Ha!

12:00 noon

I decide to get away from the room’s tension and South and I head downstairs to wait for our “chow” call. Danbury joins us and we join up with Freckles. Freckles and I talk books and James Patterson. We enjoy sharing novels. She is currently reading the Jodi Piccult novel I finished a couple days ago. She wants my recent Patterson book next. Next we talked about how we go about getting medical clearance. We know we need to see a nurse on the 18^th, so Freckles, South, and I are planning on going together. It’s called a 413 – but I’m not sure what “413” exactly stands for. Medical redesignation is “409.” Oh well, we then talk Piper Kerman and the book, “Orange is the new Black.” I’m the only among us who has seen the movie on Netflix and read the book – others read the book. Danbury explains that the women she knows that were serving with with Piper call her a “brat” – as she got a lot of mail and visitors. This reminded me how Hust called me a “brat” a couple days ago. All I was doing at the time was quietly reading in my bed. She didn’t say “why” she called me it at the time, but since I just heard that was said about Piper Kerman and thought, “I guess that’s me.” I get a lot of mail and am expecting Sporty to visit next weekend. I think there is a big difference from someone who is here for violent acts and those of us here for medical designation only. We may have more outside support – although had I been incarcerated 5 years ago, I would have no one. So, I had the benefit of time too.

Finally, we all talked about self-surrender as we got “called” finally to the Chow Hall. Danbury could not believe that South and I were never officially arrested – we showed up everywhere on our own via letters and our attorney requests. She’d never heard of that – she’s been incarcerated several times and never heard anyone say the same. Odd. She almost seemed upset.

12:25pm

Finally, we are called to lunch. The mad rush of 200+ people exiting one door when the C.O. unlocked it. I’m slow, so I am usually toward the rear. For a big change, the line inside the main building for the “chow hall” was short and quick to get inside. They did have chicken wraps, but they also had cheese wraps and I’ve been craving real cheese. There was also potato salad, cream of mushroom soup, and green beans. We made everything tastier with our salt, pepper, sazon, and/or garlic chili sauce. I only fully ate the wrap.

12:55pm

We are back at our unit. South and I want to go to the law library, but we are reminded to get passes first. Good thing, because there was an official closed campus count later and we would have gotten “shots” if we didn’t have one.

1:00pm

Sign in to law library terminal and look up whatever I can find on security and medical designations. South and I look through several policy documents online. I want to find some information for Danbury, based on her state criminal charges and the state code, but only federal information is available here. We are ready to leave when all areas are locked down for the closed census count. Many people received “shots” for being where they shouldn’t be and most of them receive “extra duty” as punishment (extra work). So, South and I just keep looking at policies and decide we should both be “minimum-out” and we are designated here for purely medical reasons.

2:30pm

We are officially allowed to leave the law library and we walk back to our unit – turning in our passes as we arrive. Surprisingly, no one is in the room and we get a little less crazy for a bit.

2:45pm

ID comes in, talks to South, ignores me, says she was lucky to not get a “shot” because she was not yet at work. Then leaves.

3:00pm

Rocker enters. She’s decided to officially have 8:30-10:30am for “her” time – so no one should ask her for help during that time. It’s time for me to lay down (lights on) for a while. Fatigue is a daily reality for me. I hand South and Rocker a piece of licorice.

3:10pm

Rocker mentions that she doesn’t have her GED or high school completion. I hear her say that people have told her that she’s too slow. I told her that I will personally work with her if she gets in a class. She wants the help, but she doesn’t want to join a class. I’ll see what she decides for herself. She is smart enough, she just needs some guidance. Prisons aren’t set up for special needs.

3:20pm

The little one enters with her headphones on singing out loud once again. She sits on South’s bed without asking permission and changes her clothing. She changes at least 3 times everyday - other than her pj’s. She looks in the mirror about 100x/day. She makes new messes all through the day. She leaves and I close my eyes again.

3:30pm

Inmate recall. All inmates must return to their housing unit.

 3:41pm

Awake again. The light had gone off and on again. Danbury passes out cookies. She gives me a nutty buddy bar. We all are supposed to stay in our room now, unless we are doing extra duty. A youngish woman looked in our room and asked who is smart. Hust pointed at me. The woman needs basic geometry help in order to take her GED test. I said, “yes,” so tonight I will help a stranger. I have nothing better to do. As I write this, my pillow is losing feathers. I can’t believe it is taking this long to replace my pillow to one I’m not allergic to…

Danbury is talking about ignoring her health care concerns. No one feels right about getting medical needs done here.

 3:56pm

Mail Call. My favorite part of weekdays. I received eight items today. My favorite was a package of Martin Luther King Jr. memories and [college] items from Cache. Last week she sent me the “Wicked” script and information about Doctor Who’s Tardis. She knows me well! I had to do a double flight of stairs five times during mail call today. Sometimes I receive multiple letters at a time, but I have to come back up to my room until name is called again. It's a work-out!

4:30pm

Standing count. I was not yet done reading my mail, but standing count is official and since I am living in the bus stop, I have to put on shoes and stand in the hallway until count is complete. One the 15 people in the bus stops have to stand outside their room. Everyone else stands inside their rooms. 

The two officers start by counting separately the women downstairs. If they agree on the count, they then count all of us upstairs. If they disagree on the count on either floor, they recount the floor. We stand the entire time in silence until our primary officers starts to go back downstairs and yells every time, "stay in your rooms!" We must all stay in our room until count is cleared. I went right back to my mail.

5:00pm 

I just finished with reading today’s mail. Only one of my other roommates, South, received mail. I guess this makes me a “brat.” I share the funny card sayings with everyone to get them to smile/laugh. We are finally released from our rooms. A long line of people sign a tablet of paper for the microwave order. They are making their dinner, rather than going to Chow. I’m doing Chow tonight, BBQ pork. South is reading the MLK speech/writing. I doubt anyone else in my room would care. I received notice that the medical records received my request for a copy of my labs, 26 vials of blood tests. It says I’m on a waiting list and will now receive a “call-out” in 60-90 days. If something is emergent, I guess I’ll know in 2-3 months.

5:10pm 

South, Danbury, the little one and I are in our room. The little one is trying to get her girlfriend’s attention across the upper floor. Danbury is attempting another nap, but seems uncomfortable and moaning. South is still reading amazing MLK words. I guess last week/this week is the 50^th Anniversary of the 1963 March on Washington. Wow! 

Rocker strolls back in. She has a lot on her mind. Her sister is very ill, her husband gave away all her possessions and lost her house to foreclosure, and her mom and son are also incarcerated. She should get out of here in about 1 month. She successfully got off medical hold. She was on disability before she was incarcerated. She works here on cleaning crew in the main building. When released, her plan is to go back on disability There have been no resources for her to figure out how to work in the future, especially if she does not get her G.E.D.

5:18pm 

Time to start getting ready for dinner. Uniforms are not required after 4pm, but I need to get our condiments together and put on my sneakers.

5:35pm 

South and I are told by the C.O. that we can’t stand where we are as we wait to go to dinner. We have no idea why not, but we move even though others are next to us.

5:40pm 

Chow time. We walk over to the Chow Hall and wait in line. Tonight’s fare is BBQ chicken or pork (I had chicken), sweet potato, corn and salad. It was pretty good. Chi sat with us for dinner. She is originally from China, so I asked her about her education in China and why she came to the U.S. for her Masters. It was a nice conversation. (Chi attended a top-school in the U.S. and then was hired for a great tech company. She is now here on espionage charges she swears she did not do.) 

6:15pm 

We are back from dinner and the woman’s math GED stuff was sitting on my bed. I went over her worksheets and made some practice sheets. Her exam is Thursday. South and I go through what to get from commissary this week. We share and eat together.

7:05pm 

I’m off to tutor GED math J

8:50pm 

Just finished tutoring Fly. She tried hard and I had fun teaching again. Fly was so excited to start understanding math. I gave her homework to write her own multiplication table and geometry problems. I can’t promise she will be ready to take the exam in 3 days, but she will be closer. She ran off and told another tutor about how I helped her. I have been offered tutoring positions now with the other teachers! I said, “the first teacher to officially hire me, I’m there.”

9:04pm 

Hust gets out her toothpaste and Danbury asks what kind of toothpaste she has. I say, “didn’t you get one in your entrance package?” Danbury responded to me. Hust turned and told me that I am not to burst into her conversations. I didn’t realize it was a private conversation being spoken loudly among the roommates. My new lesson, just stop talking when Hust is talking. Danbury seems to be trying to get close to Hust. Cool for them. Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. I’m so glad this day is almost done. 

Hust tells me that I will soon hate being a tutor and that I will be annoyed working with inmates that just don’t “get it.” I informed her that she is mistaken, because this is what I love. I can be patient and work with one individual at a time. I’m happy just helping! Everyone in the room is trying to figure out commissary because it is closed next week. 

Another ‘disagreement.’ Everyone is talking over each other, but I am totally staying out of the conversation. I really wish I were not looking at another 4 months or 8 ½ months of this. Pray I get off medical hold. 

We all have to be in our rooms again, we are getting ready for 9:30pm count and many people are doing their extra duty. South is reading the day notes up to now. Danbury and Hust are talking Catholicism and religion and God. The little one is doing extra duty. ID and Rocker are talking. Hust insists that our counselor is going to move us all. They’ve been saying that since the day I started. It may happen, but I trust no one’s opinion anymore. I only know today, and today we are all in this room. Period.

9:30pm 

Everyone is talking about halfway house. Hust broke into my conversation with Danbury. I guess there is a double standard. South is still reading, ha! I think I wrote too much today. The little one is sleeping on her bunk through all the talk. Her girlfriend must’ve worked her crazy today. Rocker is eating peanut butter on an apple. Danbury and ID are talking about previous halfway house stories. I have certainly entered a world different from any I’ve been in before. Hust just asked Danbury for bread. I gave her mine. Kill them with kindness, right? Hust is making a pb&j sandwich. Our C.O. just walked by. He must be doing count at an attached unit before doing ours.

9:40pm 

Standing Count. Back out to hallway to stand for count. They didn’t agree on count on the top level, so we had to stand through a second count. Many inmates seemed to enjoy ‘looking’ at the new C.O. and his butt. Hmmm.

9:57pm 

Back in room. South is eating an orange. Others are talking about our right to vote and trying to get on disability. Nearly the end of the day, South’s blankets are still unlaundered. My roommates are trying to figure out how to take advantage of government funds upon release. All I can say (and I said nothing), but there has to be small print to what they are saying. I will go to religious services and speak to reentry services, though. I wish I could just ‘google’ or research on my own.

10:07pm 

I’m so glad lights out is soon. The drama and everything is just exhausting. The phones are full; I wish I could ask Survivor about how her mother-in-law is doing (she is ill from what I heard). Extra duty cleaning happening again today. The little one says she is “starving,” but then, that she’s going to bed. Then she looks in her locker, then back to her bed. Kind of like staring in a fridge and nothing looks good. ID can’t stop talking-non-stop chatter. South and I are yawning. ID-chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, … The C.O. just came in and told ED and Rocker that they are too loud and need to stay in the room. ID is telling him off (even though he’s not here anymore). Always drama.

10:15pm 

Danbury is reading a really cool book that gives prayers for all prison experiences. She is reading about “saints” for prisoners. Of course I don’t know that stuff. They just asked if I believe in Saints and Angels and Jesus. I said, “no.” I explained that in Judaism, we pray to just one higher power. Hust just said that she sees no one truly faithful in this place. I’m not sure anyone should judge another’s faith or how they understand their faith and practice their faith. A religious conversation continues. I am silent. They are talking confession.

10:25pm 

Listening to religious conversation is exhausting. I wish I could talk recovery all day. ID is still non-stop talking. Rocker is pretty quiet as well. So much judgement around what is “right” around religion. As they are being judgmental, they are talking about how horrible it is to judge another’s way to practice Christianity, I’ve never heard Jesus so much. ID is planning her unlawful ways after she’s out of here and getting on government sustenance, and here she is saying what a good Christian is. I think everyone needs religion and belief in a way that works for them and their serenity.

10:33pm 

Why aren’t the lights out? Please someone announce “lights out.” Please someone Announce “lights out.” I want to read by my book light and go to sleep. Shhhhh.

There is so much homophobia among my roommates. ID calls C.O.’s faggots and Rocker says the C.O.’s are becoming “fruitier and fruitier.” They constantly make homophobic comments. I can’t believe I have to stay quiet on something.

10:37pm 

“Lights out” by the C.O. 

I can barely walk (I’m so stiff) as I turned off the room light. I turned on my book light and I’m about to start reading Kill the Messenger by Tami Hoag. But my roommates are still talking. Rocker is giving legal advice to Danbury again. She has no idea about the law. I’m done commenting, just listening. Now, they are talking drug conspiracy charges.

10:45pm 

Still talking. The little one is sleeping through everything. Lights out does not mean it is dark. There are always lights on in the unit and they shine into our door and window, not bright, but at least dim light 24 hours/day. I set my watch alarm for 5:50am, to ensure I was up, clothed, and fed by work at 7:30am tomorrow. People are still out of their rooms watching television in the open atrium. There is never silence. South and Danbury are commenting on how one of the roommates has a B.O. issue. Danbury starts spraying her air freshener around the bed of that individual. Next, they talk coffee for like 10 minutes. Then the room erupts in a conversation about commissary, relatives giving money, and the need for funds. 

Literally, the last thing said was by Danbury, who said that her dad was gambling at Foxwoods and he should send her $ if he won. Exactly the last think I needed to hear!