I wrote the following letter to Cache 10 days into my incarceration. This was based on observation and thoughts of what I was witnessing. It is not based on empirical research of women's experiences in prison.
8-29-13
Cache,
I was
already planning on writing this note around sex and gender here before what
just occurred, but it is even more relevant now. There is a counselor here, Ms.
X, she is the counselor in the mental health unit. She is tough, very
tough, but she is sweet, respects every inmate and most definitely wants the
inmates going home to their babies! She just came to our 4pm count as tough as
tough can be. Screaming at anyone who got out of line and establishing new
rules for the count (now not just my room has to step outside the room, but
every inmate does). After count, she has
us all go downstairs for a “town hall meeting.” We all had to stand the whole
time and my ankles were killing me. Anyway, she stands on a table and starts by
dispelling all the rumors about the counselor in this unit (Mr. T) who
has been gone 2 ½ weeks. People were spreading all kinds of bad rumors about
why he’s been gone, when actually he is enjoying himself in Hawaii at the
moment - rumors in this place spread, change and become something bad every time.
Next, she goes into a speech she actually makes at orientation (so I heard it
last week). The speech is about the fact that as women, as ladies, we (inmates)
are disgracing ourselves with all the crazy relationships, sex and std’s that
occur as a result. I’m not sure how those in relationships felt about it, but
I, for one, greatly appreciated her telling folks to calm it down. She was/is
much more graphic with her language (talking about licking women’s v-g’s, etc).
Plain and simple, this is not about sexual orientation/preference, it is about
the prison rules, the fact that there are many women here (including myself)
who just want quiet and sleep at night. I kid you not that from my
observations, a good 90% of the inmates I’ve been in contact with violate the
relationship/sex rules. So, here’s my thoughts on why and what I see.
Most
of the women do not arrive here claiming any sexual orientation other than
heterosexual. But they also arrive lonely, ashamed, and filled with self-disgust
and incredibly low self-esteem. When another woman starts to pay them
attention, the attention they crave, they can escape their self-reflection and
focus on someone else, anything else, but look at their own pain. The
relationships are unhealthy from the get-go. I watched a young inmate get beat
up by her “girlfriend” who is many years her elder here and hours later they
were “back together” paying no attention to the bruised fat lip. What these
women crave is attention, someone to tell them that they matter, that they are
loved and lovable,…I see it in their eyes. I know the look, it was me before I
actually started to work on myself, face my demons, and accept myself. I
couldn’t be alone ever, before I was able to find my own worth. I wish this
place helped more of these inmates find their own self-worth too.
There
is also a gender reality here. All around I see individuals that I can say
‘appear’ to be transgender, their hair, way they carry themselves, etc is all
male/masculine, just like the many trans people I’ve known through my life. But
here, I don’t know if that is what it is. It may be playing the “stud” role,
the self-identified lesbian who wants the ‘straight’ women to do the chase. And
that’s what I do see, the feminine women chasing the bois (the very masculine
women). Is this the same as a trans on the streets or is it prison play? I,
honestly, do not know. And, I’m not referring to just a few bois. There are a
lot of them, with perfectly barbered hair, possibly binding their breasts. Yet,
being referred to by their given female name and called women. If they are in
fact trans, the women’s underwear, bras, names, etc would break them, depress
them. Trans bois become suicidal at times when they can’t truly express their
gender. How is it in here? They are definitely safer here than at a men’s
prison, and they seem to get their pick of women. I wonder how Ms. X’s
speech sounded to them. Their real gender having to be put aside while here.
So,
I’ve talked relationships and I’ve talked gender, now about sex, not the
chromosomes, the act. Women have sex here, they do. They sneak around and take
chances and act stupid. Sex will get you put in the SHU. It will take away your
“good time” so you have to be here longer. Why on earth do they have sex? Just
like teenagers, where emotional and mental maturity has not caught up, it is
fun, exciting and risk taking. Other than us white collar offenders, most these
women love risk in their lives. They ran the streets and snuck around all their
lives. Now, why wouldn’t they do the same thing here, in prison, where they
have no self-esteem to start with. Prison can be boring, but sneaking around
and not getting caught is exciting. They have no regard for the others, having
sex in a room while the roommates try to sleep but scared to tell. Having sex
in showers, on toilets (not kidding) and in stair wells. Public places. Why?
The risk. No one wants to walk in on 2 people having sex, or more people which
happens too. But, common respect is not a part of the life here in prison. So
many inmates disrespect their roommates, their C.O.’s, their counselors, and
themselves!
I’m
not trying to say I’m “better” than anyone here. But, I will follow the rules.
I desire to keep to myself, respect others, and give back. Seeing young women
beat by their “girlfriends” or the drama of who is dating whom actually breaks
my heart. These young women need direction and help. Instead they are finding
escape and risk in prison. What will they be like when they leave? The revolving
door of prison exists because we fail to help these young women find direction.
Just my thoughts,
Thoughts??
Love, Dragonfly
P.S. A code for women who want to find another woman is to
have your shorts pockets sticking out, like really? Look ridiculous to get
picked up!
P.P.S. I keep thinking of more things to mention on this
subject. A lot of the ‘relationships’ are based on $, those who have none in
their commissary trying to get with someone who has $ and will purchase items
for them. Like I said, it’s a game. The newbies are easy targets, assumed to
have $ and support. Why do they allow themselves to be used in this way?
Attention and low self-esteem.
