From Dragonfly: When Prison Starts to Feel Normal

Last night, I was up way too late reading a book and then walked to the restroom. First, I looked at my watch - 1 a.m., "good, the midnight count is over...," I thought. I'd been so rapped up in my book, I hadn't even noticed the guards walking by and counting  us.

As I walked to the restroom, I thought of how normal my life felt right now. They say that it takes a month to make a habit and at least three months to make something a lifestyle change. I've been at this "prison thing" for nearly eight months. If asked what would feel more natural to me - being here or being somewhere else, I would have to be honest that the answer is being here. I am no where near "institutionalized," but I can easily see how it happens.

Yesterday, it felt totally normal for a fight to erupt in the back of my unit. It felt normal to watch a line of people in wheelchairs and walkers, waiting outside the main building until they are allowed in for pill line. It felt normal to have to show my i.d. in order to play games in the rec. It felt normal to look at barbed wire and a car slowly going around the fence, ensuring nothing "funny" is going on. It felt normal to have a conversation with a friend about how she is constipated from the food here. It felt normal to be in bed before 10pm (even though I was not yet sleeping due to my book). It felt normal to walk on concrete floors. It felt normal to use a shared hallway bathroom and to avoid the sinks that are not draining correctly.

It's the changes, here, that don't feel normal. For example, we are all up in arms this morning, as breakfast was served 1 1/2 hours late and we were not allowed to spend time on the compound before/after. It does not feel normal when there's no officer telling us when we can leave the food line and walk into the chow hall (all orderly and stuff). It did not feel normal when only one unit at a time was allowed in the chow hall. These are the things that make us uneasy - yet, they are so insignificant in reality.

It's normal, now, for me to be strip searched after visitations. It's normal to be locked down in the unit for hours. It's normal to stand count. It's normal to avoid the bathroom at certain hours of the day. It's normal to sit on my bed and crochet. It's normal to watch television without any sound. It's normal to fight my way into the right laundry washer at my pre-set time. It's normal to clean my room, wiping down the bars on the window.

Yes, life feels normal now. Normal does not mean good. It does not mean bad. We can all get used to being anywhere, the reality of life changing and our needing to accept those changes. I do not know how long it will take for me to have my new life on the outside feel normal. It could be days, weeks or months. It'll happen, though. And, if you are facing prison, life in here will feel "normal" to you at some point as well.

From Dragonfly: Shiny Happy People...

How do you make about 20 inmates excited, cheering, high 5ing, hugging, and crying tears of joy all at the same time? This is not intended as a joke... you inform them that the U.S. Sentencing Commission unanimously passed the new sentencing guidelines to take non-violent drug mandatory minimums down two points. This is what I announced yesterday evening, and that was the response of almost everyone around me.

The mandatory minimums for drug crimes have overfilled our prisons with sentences of five, ten, twenty, and even lifetime sentences. People who have never held a gun, never hit another person, are behind bars (and away from their children) for decades. Many people with drug-related crimes can receive sentences higher than murderers, sex offenders, or other violent crimes. This has been going on for many, many years. In my experience in this prison, nearly half the people I meet here are for a drug-related (conspiracy) charge.

When I announced that the new law passed (Congress could still act on it, but it is not expected) and will go into effect in November, with retro-activity, nearly everyone near me was here under one of those mandatory minimums. The amount of time off their sentences varies greatly, but generally they are looking at years off their original sentence. Some will be eligible for release the minute the law goes into effect, others will still have some time to serve, but the end is much closer. One inmate, standing near me, said, "That means I have only 14 months left... seven months once the law goes into effect. After six years of being here, I will go home next year!" She looked a little in shock and everyone around her gave her a high-five.

Another inmate announced that she will be eligible for immediate release. She received hugs. The thing is, I'm not quite sure there will be any "immediate releases." Imagine the paperwork that will need to be completed by every federal prison in the U.S. for each of the inmates who will be eligible for the reduction. Even if the computer system automatically reduces everyone's sentence, the case managers will need to prepare for each person's release - halfway house, home confinement, or straight home. Each inmate will have to go through all those hoops (especially in a medical facility like this one), to ensure they are medically able to leave. As of right now, no processes, no regulations, are yet written on this tremendous news. People will still need to have patience to see what will happen and the timing of everything.

It's easy for me to just write all that, the law does not affect me. I am a fraud case, a sentencing topic that the commission is also considering a 2-point reduction on, but has not taken action yet. Also, I will already be home when this law goes into affect. For others, this law will allow them to move forward in their lives, hold and hug their babies, and live without a fence blocking them from the rest of the world sooner than they imagine. I was very happy that I was the person who was able to deliver the news. I usually don't just make announcements, but this was news I was not going to keep to myself.

From Dragonfly: The Interested

Okay, best to know in advance and be prepared for it. I've written a couple times about it, but, still, people are surprised. Whether you are tall or short, thin or heavy, black or white, old or young, gay or straight, in a wheel chair, on a walker, or use your own two feet to get around, you will more than likely be approached, flirted with, wooed, and/or considered by another inmate in a "girlfriend" sort of way. Do not project onto the person who seems to like you all your built up homophobia in the world, as you can just easily show no interest. Truth is that people in prison get lonely, they want a "special" friend (sometimes), and they must like something about you. You should be flattered for their attempt, and you have a choice - also show interest or say, "no." There's nothing wrong with you, regardless of which you choose. This is whether you are a lesbian in the outside world, or not. Just because you may be a lesbian, does not mean that you have to choose to be in a prison relationship. Maybe you have someone special at home, or are even married to your wife. Maybe you don't think a prison romance is right for you. No matter the reasons, you have a right to not be in a relationship here.

I have been hit on several times since I arrived. Most of the women are very nice, and are probably "gay for the stay," as they have husbands/boyfriends in the outside world. My disinterest in having "prison romance" has been enough to keep it as a friendship and nothing more. I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I have pictures of all the people at home that are the reasons that I don't choose to be in an unhealthy prison romance. Nonetheless, the fact that someone thinks I'm cute, is something I just smile at. It always feels good to be liked. It's how we react to someone that matters. As long as I know I'm not interested in anything, I am left alone on that front.

Even if you are one of the people that does not wish to engage in a prison romance, please put your homophobic thoughts and responses at bay. There's no reason to lash out at someone who happens to be gay or is in a same-sex relationship, as it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Likewise, become aware of transgender folks and know that they will be housed right along with you. They may carry themselves quite well as guys, but there's a reason they are in a women's prison - sometimes it's for their protection - sometimes because they don't meet the BOP definition of a man - it matters not, what matters is that they are an inmate right along with you and deserve the same respect as anyone else. We are all just doing our time together, trying to get home to our families. No matter how different the people around you are to you, you will find that you have far more in common than you do different. It makes us much wiser and stronger to meet and get to know people who are different from ourselves.

I can't emphasize enough that no one causes your negative reactions to people and their lifestyles, except your own issues. Try to not project that on others. Everyone has a right to live their life the way they need/want to. You can have boundaries, though. You can say that you don't want someone's girlfriend in your room, because if they are caught, you all get in trouble. You can say that you are not quite comfortable with something. Allow it to be a conversation, a learning experience for you both. If all you do is act disgusted by behavior you may not understand or are just not prone to, then you close yourself off to finding peace in yourself. Like I said above, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. No one will force you.

Just this week, a woman I've known since my arrival has started to flirt with me. She's totally "straight" in real life, but it's honestly just playful flirting. I do not encourage it and I am fully able to stay friends with her. While I'm flattered by her attention, I know that I'm not interested and will not "go" there with her. I don't need to make it something about her, it's about myself, my boundaries, my choices, and my commitments to people back home. She can flirt all she wants, we all know that it's nice to be flirted with once in a while. She's not overbearing, stalking, trying to be physical, or putting me in a compromising position. She's just nice. What matters are my choices and my reactions. I choose to laugh, walk away, and be at peace.

From Dragonfly: No Habla Espanol

I have no idea as to the demographics of other prisons, specifically federal prisons, but here, at Carswell, about 50% of the inmates appear to be of Hispanic origin and the vast majority of those speak Spanish as a first language. Depending on how long they've been in the United States, they speak at all levels of English. Some have spent 20+ years, or were born in the U.S. Others never spent a day, before being arrested trying to cross into the U.S. They tend to have the hardest time with speaking English.

Generally speaking, I have no problem with people speaking any language they feel comfortable with. I have traveled internationally, and my language remains English. I think the U.S. is the only country that has one official language. There's actually a joke.... What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Answer: Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Answer: Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language? Answer: American. Bad joke, I know, but true in many ways.

When I was in Junior High, I was given a choice - take French or Spanish classes as my chosen foreign language. Always having had a fascination with Paris, I chose French. There was no talk about practicality. I've been to only two places in my life that speaks any French, and that lasted only a couple days of my lifetime thus far. I did take one semester of Spanish in college, but by then I was so versed in basic French, that learning basic Spanish got confused in my head - I'd start saying the Spanish alphabet, and suddenly be doing the French one. Also, I never could quite roll my r's. Needless to say, I am able to say, "Gracias," and a few other basic terms - count to 20, etc., but Spanish is not my forte. In fact, neither is French anymore. I grew up learning Hebrew, but only how to read and speak it, not understand it. I don't think foreign languages are my strong point.

I mention all this because when Blondie left for home last week, we knew we'd be in for a new roommate. The new roommate is not new to the prison, but seems nice enough. Only thing is that her English is not strong. She speaks Spanish. This has resulted in my being in a room of three strong Spanish Speakers, so 95% of everything said in my room is in Spanish. I am able to pick up a word here and there, but generally speaking, I just am not part of the conversations. I know that they are not being rude, as some of my fellow inmates would claim, they are just leaning on a language they are comfortable with - why should I be accommodated when there's another woman in the room who can not understand the English as well? Whenever they need me, they speak to me in English, and we all get along pretty well. Longwinded often acts as a translator for the new woman to me, who I will call Mexico, as Mexico has difficulty with many words.

Like the others in the room, Mexico is already looking at her out date this year. She is expecting to leave in June. She's one of many Mexican nationals who are forced to go back to Mexico after serving their time here. She moved here with her parents when she was a teen and lived at a border town, which is why she really never learned English. She's had five children, all American citizens, the youngest is only 1 year old. However, she was only here on a visa, and being in prison takes away that visa, so she is forced back to Mexico. Her children will remain here with her parents. They will travel across the border on weekends to see their mom, and then come back to the U.S. for school and opportunities. Mexico will likely never be able to come back into the U.S. again.

So, I'm probably with my last group of roommates now. Of course, anything can change at any time. I have no problem with my room. Everyone is kind. We all keep the room clean. We go to bed early, and no one is mad if someone wakes early. These are the things that matter. As for language, we figure it out a day at a time - but I sure wish I had chosen Spanish as my foreign language! (My friends, Traveler and Joy, know many languages - given the opportunity, that is certainly the way to go!)

From Dragonfly: Loss...

I'd written about it before, and yet, it is something that cannot ever be properly described... when someone loses a loved one while incarcerated, the devastation is just overwhelming. My friend was on the phone, calling home as she does frequently to check in. Her husband has been ill, but stable, and she was looking forward to seeing him soon. In just 10 days, she is being transferred to a camp a short drive from home. They would see each other in less than 2 weeks. They talked frequently and could not wait to see and hug one another. He'd had a health scare last year, and it was truly a miracle, when he got off life support and started gaining his strength again. She kept praying for his health, and it seemed to be working.

So today, on the phone, we heard her scream, "no, no...," and then she just dropped to the ground, the phone receiver hanging down, the total devastation was beyond anything you could imagine. She was staring in space, unable to even see anyone around her, unable to accept anyone's touch, she could only say, "he's gone." Her tears led to mascara lines down her face and she just sat there, unable to get up to a chair, she'd not been able to say "goodbye," he'd been doing so much better. A crowd gathered, most of us her friends, hands over our mouths, tears in our eyes. My heart actually ached. This woman really loved her husband. She was raw and alone and in shock.

The only thing the officer could do, was to offer her to go off to the chaplains. Her good friend and roommate carried her off there, as she was more able to stare into space than see anything in front of her. We all just couldn't believe that she was going to be close in just days, just days...

From Dragonfly: Two Old Ladies

Aging in prison is not an easy thing. Aging anywhere is difficult, especially when we get to a certain age. But, what about those who arrive in prison already of a certain age? There are many of those...

In my unit there are many older women. Women who are already on social security before they enter prison, and will be returning to social security after. There are specifically two of these ladies that I'm going to write about right now. They each have short(ish) sentences, health issues, and must use a walker. They both have to stand in the awful pill line at least 2x/day. They live two doors down from one another, and they are inseparable. When you see one of them, or hear their walker coming near, you are bound to see the other turning the corner just after them. They eat meals together, watch television together, and look after one another.

In the outside world, their friendship would be like any two widows, who have formed a friendship so neither is alone in life. They share pictures of grandbabies, stories of ailments, and laughter from tales of woe throughout their lives. There's not a lifetime movie or game show they haven't watched, soaps make up the main part of their afternoons, and they have enough attitude to fight anyone in the unit to be able to watch what they want on television.

So, it's just sad, when suddenly, there comes a time when one of them is seen in the atrium, and the other is not. Illness and pain has caused one to not want to get out of bed, except when necessary. The other looks in on her, best she can, but the confines and rules of prison life, make helping one another difficult when confined to one's room. Hot soup will exchange hands with roommates for sustenance, and homemade cards for laughter.

It's hard to watch someone frail become more frail; to watch their excitement for life fade. I don't think this is anywhere near the "end" for either woman, but it's never good to just curl up in a ball and give up. It's too easy to do here, so the rest of us have to make sure it does not happen. We peek in, give a smile, ask, "how are you?," and actually listen for an answer.

On some days, she has enough energy to go and wait the awful pill line, knowing that the medication will help her feel better, if only she is able to walk to the other building and then sit on her walker chair. Many "friends" are there, glad to see her, the old biddy, kinda back to the person and attitude everyone expects. We hope it keeps up, and this evening, she is at a table, with her best friend, enjoying a movie, or working on a new craft project.

She asks what happened on her soaps? I suppose it's the day she stops caring about those characters is the real day we should worry about her future with us. It must be hard to grow old in prison, but I imagine coming here already in those later years of life, may be worst.

From Dragonfly: Women's vs. Men's

As I peered down at the televisions on my way to the restroom this morning, I was struck by the fact that it seems like Lifetime Movie Network is on non-stop in our unit. It made me laugh thinking, "this would never be the case in a men's prison." This of course led me to think of things that I imagine are different between men's and women's prisons:

AT A WOMEN'S PRISON:
- At least one television is always on OWN and another is on Lifetime Movies...
- You will see inmates holding hands and hugging one another nonstop...
- Inmates in their rooms cover up their front side while changing tshirts...
- It's a really big deal when an inmate decides to cut her hair short...
- Inmates will pay big bucks to find a ring for their new life partner...
- Haircare and makeup products are some of the most important commissary items...
- A book with a lot of sex scenes will make its way to dozens of inmates before falling apart at the binding...
- Male staff can be flirted with, female staff are scary...
- At every table in the atrium, someone is either crocheting or doing cross stitch to bide their time...
- Tight clothing is all the rage...
- If someone has nail polish, everyone asks where she got it from...
- A lap dance by one's "partner" is considered a good birthday gift...
- Step class is one of the most popular indoor rec offerings...
- Inmates weigh themselves almost daily to ensure they are sustaining or losing weight...
- New inmates are immediately assessed for whether or not they are lesbian, or at least "gay for the stay"...
- The same inmates that said, "no" to the last item, are re-assessed to see if they've changed their mind after two months...
- Getting hair colored, straightened, or conditioned is the most popular things offered in the cosmo school...
- Caring jobs, such as suicide watch, are so popular, that the hiring team has hundreds of cop-outs all the time for the jobs...
- The throw away panties offered in the SHU sell for big bucks on the compound...

Okay, now read over that list and imagine these things occurred at a male's prison... You can see what I mean :-)