What does it look like when you are making 12 cents per hour? Well, I was paid for ALL last month yesterday. I work 7-8 hours per day, except for Mondays when I work 12 hours, and five days per week. I average about 140 hours per month. They take NO taxes out of my payment, because this is not considered a real paycheck. My check was $15.21. That amount didn't cover half my $40/month FRP payment, but hey, every little bit helps. No matter what my paychecks look like once I am out of here, I will NEVER complain. Even minimum wage would seem like a lot. I thank god every day that I have amazing friends who are helping to support me while I am in prison. Without their help, I wouldn't even be able to buy shampoo or deodorant, much less the juice that I drink each morning.
When I was gambling, I lost A LOT of money. I remember days, when I'd be hitting my hands against my poor steering wheel, saying "never again," where I'd realize I lost so much money I could have bought a couch with it, or a nice television, or even a used car. Sometimes my losses were not as much as other times, but they sure do add up. Yet, when I won, I did not buy a couch, television, used car, or even pay my bills correctly, winnings allowed me to gamble more. Winnings may have allowed me to pay rent and eat - but it never helped me thrive. One January, I won a very large pot of money. By March, I was broke once again. Gambling addiction is so complicated, but one thing I can say for sure, it is always a lose-lost situation. When I meet up with people here in prison who struggled with drug addiction, our stories are more similar than different. I truly believe addiction is addiction - and that's why people who are not getting to the root of their addiction, cross-addict. For example, in GA, we have many people who were already working AA. AA has many people who had been in NA. It's all a cycle - unless they fully surrender to their addiction and then do the VERY HARD work of dealing with the underlying emotional illness. I get really upset that here in Carswell, the drug/alcohol residential recovery program tells the participants that addiction is NOT an illness. Are they at all familiar with the research?!?!?! Once these folks are released, and hopefully will go to a 12-step program, they will be told otherwise and it will really confuse their recovery. How the DOP can claim that addiction is not an illness just makes no sense to me.
Part of my addiction was really not comprehending the value of a dollar. Money in my pocket meant money to go to the casino with. Once the money was changed into "casino chips," it no longer was money in my pocket. It was my antes. It was my bonus bets. It was the big win I would get once again. Money meant a chance at more money. In my twisted thinking, $10 could become $100, $100 could become $1000, and $1000 could become $10,000. My addiction was so strong, that I could only see what money could become, rather than what money was. I mean, $1,000 could support me for a long time, but since I could not stop myself from making it into $10,000, I would gamble it to nothing (or something, unfortunately). The worse thing for a compulsive gambler, honestly, is to win. The first time in a casino, I won, and it was the easiest money I ever made. My "stinking thinking" was progressive over time. Now, I wish I never walked into my first casino.
That's not to say that I wouldn't have found myself in the same place. I worked hard with my counselor and working my steps to fully understand my underlying emotional issues that made me susceptible to addiction. I confronted those issues, and in response, I changed. My thinking changes. I was no longer the victim of my life, but I became a survivor. Everyone's story is different. Had my illness not brought me to gambling, it likely would have led me to a different addiction. Like I said, addiction is addiction.
I bring all this up, because while I only make 12 cents an hour right now, and my monthly paycheck was just over $15, I understand the value of that money. Here, $15 will help me get my hygiene products. It will help me get yarn to crochet. It will help me purchase sweatpants or a sweatshirt. Every penny in my commissary account has value, and that is ultimately, what will help me continue my path of recovery. I will never place a bet again, because if I do, I will be right back where I was, and my life will fall apart. Instead, I will work hard, make the money I earn, pay my restitution and school loans, and, hopefully, one day, afford a house. Money in my pocket now means saving what I can for my future, and trying to get out of debt - even if I have to do it with $0.12 per hour.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
From Dragonfly: Chasing Enbrel
Writing earlier today, I had no idea what my day would bring. Well, now that the day is nearly turning to evening, I can tell you. It involved "chasing enbrel" all day long. As you know, I am on a medication called Enbrel (an injection that assists me in my autoimmune issues). It is important that I keep it at its regular schedule (I get a shot every Monday and one every Friday). Since the clinic was closed today, due to the ice outside, I decided to follow the advice of a nurse from last week. The nurse told me that if the clinic is ever closed on my injection day, I should go to "Med Surge" which is the real hospital floor at Carswell. After breakfast, I took the elevator to the 4th floor for the first time since I've been here (we are not allowed to wander around the hospital, we must have a reason and talk with C.O.'s in the process).
The Med Surge officer told me that I need to go back to my unit and have my officer call over and then they will let me come back for my shot. So, I bundled myself back up with my two shirts, sweatshirt, and jacket, and made my way back to my unit. My friend Lola took that trip with me and I knew that she would not want to venture out into the cold again... Anyway, I get into my unit and see an officer. I tell him what Med Surge said, and he tells me to go next door to 1 North (I live in 1 South) and wait by the officer's office and he will call for me. Turns out that the officer supposed to be on 1 South today couldn't make it in due to the weather.
So, I enter 1 North for the first time ever. It looks a lot like our unit, but I like the color of their columns more (ours is a dull pink, theirs is a bright turquoise). They also have decorations hanging - signs made by some of the inmates who are doing "programming" like Life Connections (a Christian program lasting 18 months to help women build self-esteem, find god, and make healthier decisions).
Anyway, the officer starts to call medical, when his "replacement" officer came into 1 North and so the first officer handed my id off to the second officer. And, so it goes. That officer says that I should go back to my unit and he will come tell me what he learns. It is now 8:15am.
About 9:15am, the officer finds me and tells me that Med Surge was not set up to give injections for the clinic today and that he passed my id off to the new officer that just arrived in 1 South and that I should check in with him at 10am. At 10am, I go to the officer, who has no idea why he is holding my id. I tell him that I'm supposed to get an Enbrel injection today, but since the clinic is closed, I need to go to med surge, however, med surge needs a Physicians Assistant to call them so that they can get all the supplies. The officer calls the P.A. on duty and then tells me to come back at 11am.
At 11am, I go back to the officer, he says that Med Surge will be ready to give me my injection after lunch. I take my id back and make myself and Lola some tuna roll-ups for lunch (it's Friday, so it's fried fish sandwich day in the chow hall). I don't do that kind of fish. I will eat tuna, though. I know, I'm weird. After lunch, I bundle back up in all my layers, and make my way back to the medical building. I go to the back elevators and go back to the 4th floor.
This time the C.O. allows me further onto the floor, to the nurses window. Since this is my first day ever on the floor, I need to say - whoa, it really looks like a hospital!!!! Except, of course, the nurses station has glass all the way around it protecting the nurses from the patient (inmates!). Inmates are in single or double rooms, with bathrooms. They have medical beds. They have their own television. So, I guess it's good to know that the really ill here are cared for. Also, the nurses there are nice... or at least they seemed like it!
Anyway, back at the 4th floor nurses window, I talk with a very friendly male nurse who looks at a list and informs me that I am not on it. I explain that I get my injection every Monday and Friday, and he looks on his computer to see my medical file. It does show my enbrel, but that the prescription "expired" yesterday. My doctor quit and left this place in November, so lots of stuff hasn't been done - including renewing prescriptions apparently! So, the nurse tells me that he needs to reach a doctor and to come back in an hour. I'm getting used to this.
I must say that this Enbrel story is kind of like getting anything done here. We wait, wait, hurry up, and then wait, wait...
So, I bundle myself back up and walk to the housing unit. Everyone asks if I got my injection and I make a negative thumb sign. At that point it is 12:45pm and all I've done is "chase enbrel" for the entire day. I lay down in my bed for a little rest and get up 45 minutes later. I sit with some friends in the atrium and then the hour has passed and I bundle myself back up and walk back to the medical building and go to the back elevators and make my way up to the 4th floor for the 3rd time today. The nurse is busy giving the other people needing injections their shots. We all know one another, because we stand in line together every week. One woman has severe MS, another severe rheumatoid arthritis, there are several with autoimmune issues, others that just need B12 shots. Every person has a story. Many of them are on walkers and in wheel chairs. I'm glad that I'm still walking (albeit slow).
The nurse sees me and says, "I still haven't reached a doctor." He starts to tell me to go back to my unit, but sees my face, and tells me to sit on the blue bench instead. I mention blue bench, because all the benches we have are a blue wire weaved bench. They are not at all comfortable. There are not a lot of benches indoors - just in the medical waiting areas, and then the ones you never want to sit on - those outside the lieutenants office (for people in trouble!). So, I sit on the one blue bench in med surge. There is a woman from my unit, who shares my real first name, and is in a wheel chair all the time, also near the blue bench. We have never spoken, but like in any waiting room, we find ourselves talking to new people about our ailments.
She has numerous autoimmune conditions as well - and has been locked up for 20 years --- but she's my age. Currently, her legs are soooooo swollen that they are about 3x their normal size (OUCH!!!). They've gotten worse and worse for 5 days, but the clinic gave her a run around. Now that she's being seen in med-surge, I hope they do something for her. She should be checked for DVT and they must do something to bring down the severe swelling. I'll see what they do when she rolls back into the unit --- hopefully not too soon. I hope they take her to a hospital! She's also really, really sick right now - immunocompromised like I am. Well, I know it wasn't a good thing that they had me sitting next to her for about 40 minutes with her sneezing, coughing and heavy breathing. I washed my hands immediately, but it's taking everything to keep myself healthy in a place like this. So, at 2:00pm, the nurse called me over and less than a minute later, I am done with my enbryl shot. A doc renewed my prescription and I was able to bundle up for the last time today (I am not going to make it back for chow tonight... I will make something in the unit). I unbundled again because I wanted to do email for a bit and the move was "closed." It has just reopened. So, I am bundling back up and heading back to my unit.
Mission accomplished... enbrel injection achieved.
The Med Surge officer told me that I need to go back to my unit and have my officer call over and then they will let me come back for my shot. So, I bundled myself back up with my two shirts, sweatshirt, and jacket, and made my way back to my unit. My friend Lola took that trip with me and I knew that she would not want to venture out into the cold again... Anyway, I get into my unit and see an officer. I tell him what Med Surge said, and he tells me to go next door to 1 North (I live in 1 South) and wait by the officer's office and he will call for me. Turns out that the officer supposed to be on 1 South today couldn't make it in due to the weather.
So, I enter 1 North for the first time ever. It looks a lot like our unit, but I like the color of their columns more (ours is a dull pink, theirs is a bright turquoise). They also have decorations hanging - signs made by some of the inmates who are doing "programming" like Life Connections (a Christian program lasting 18 months to help women build self-esteem, find god, and make healthier decisions).
Anyway, the officer starts to call medical, when his "replacement" officer came into 1 North and so the first officer handed my id off to the second officer. And, so it goes. That officer says that I should go back to my unit and he will come tell me what he learns. It is now 8:15am.
About 9:15am, the officer finds me and tells me that Med Surge was not set up to give injections for the clinic today and that he passed my id off to the new officer that just arrived in 1 South and that I should check in with him at 10am. At 10am, I go to the officer, who has no idea why he is holding my id. I tell him that I'm supposed to get an Enbrel injection today, but since the clinic is closed, I need to go to med surge, however, med surge needs a Physicians Assistant to call them so that they can get all the supplies. The officer calls the P.A. on duty and then tells me to come back at 11am.
At 11am, I go back to the officer, he says that Med Surge will be ready to give me my injection after lunch. I take my id back and make myself and Lola some tuna roll-ups for lunch (it's Friday, so it's fried fish sandwich day in the chow hall). I don't do that kind of fish. I will eat tuna, though. I know, I'm weird. After lunch, I bundle back up in all my layers, and make my way back to the medical building. I go to the back elevators and go back to the 4th floor.
This time the C.O. allows me further onto the floor, to the nurses window. Since this is my first day ever on the floor, I need to say - whoa, it really looks like a hospital!!!! Except, of course, the nurses station has glass all the way around it protecting the nurses from the patient (inmates!). Inmates are in single or double rooms, with bathrooms. They have medical beds. They have their own television. So, I guess it's good to know that the really ill here are cared for. Also, the nurses there are nice... or at least they seemed like it!
Anyway, back at the 4th floor nurses window, I talk with a very friendly male nurse who looks at a list and informs me that I am not on it. I explain that I get my injection every Monday and Friday, and he looks on his computer to see my medical file. It does show my enbrel, but that the prescription "expired" yesterday. My doctor quit and left this place in November, so lots of stuff hasn't been done - including renewing prescriptions apparently! So, the nurse tells me that he needs to reach a doctor and to come back in an hour. I'm getting used to this.
I must say that this Enbrel story is kind of like getting anything done here. We wait, wait, hurry up, and then wait, wait...
So, I bundle myself back up and walk to the housing unit. Everyone asks if I got my injection and I make a negative thumb sign. At that point it is 12:45pm and all I've done is "chase enbrel" for the entire day. I lay down in my bed for a little rest and get up 45 minutes later. I sit with some friends in the atrium and then the hour has passed and I bundle myself back up and walk back to the medical building and go to the back elevators and make my way up to the 4th floor for the 3rd time today. The nurse is busy giving the other people needing injections their shots. We all know one another, because we stand in line together every week. One woman has severe MS, another severe rheumatoid arthritis, there are several with autoimmune issues, others that just need B12 shots. Every person has a story. Many of them are on walkers and in wheel chairs. I'm glad that I'm still walking (albeit slow).
The nurse sees me and says, "I still haven't reached a doctor." He starts to tell me to go back to my unit, but sees my face, and tells me to sit on the blue bench instead. I mention blue bench, because all the benches we have are a blue wire weaved bench. They are not at all comfortable. There are not a lot of benches indoors - just in the medical waiting areas, and then the ones you never want to sit on - those outside the lieutenants office (for people in trouble!). So, I sit on the one blue bench in med surge. There is a woman from my unit, who shares my real first name, and is in a wheel chair all the time, also near the blue bench. We have never spoken, but like in any waiting room, we find ourselves talking to new people about our ailments.
She has numerous autoimmune conditions as well - and has been locked up for 20 years --- but she's my age. Currently, her legs are soooooo swollen that they are about 3x their normal size (OUCH!!!). They've gotten worse and worse for 5 days, but the clinic gave her a run around. Now that she's being seen in med-surge, I hope they do something for her. She should be checked for DVT and they must do something to bring down the severe swelling. I'll see what they do when she rolls back into the unit --- hopefully not too soon. I hope they take her to a hospital! She's also really, really sick right now - immunocompromised like I am. Well, I know it wasn't a good thing that they had me sitting next to her for about 40 minutes with her sneezing, coughing and heavy breathing. I washed my hands immediately, but it's taking everything to keep myself healthy in a place like this. So, at 2:00pm, the nurse called me over and less than a minute later, I am done with my enbryl shot. A doc renewed my prescription and I was able to bundle up for the last time today (I am not going to make it back for chow tonight... I will make something in the unit). I unbundled again because I wanted to do email for a bit and the move was "closed." It has just reopened. So, I am bundling back up and heading back to my unit.
Mission accomplished... enbrel injection achieved.
From Dragonfly: Sleet
So, what happens in Fort Worth when it is cold, sleeting rain, and a bit icy outside? Everything closes down. They are not prepared for weather like this, like we are in the Midwest. This morning, I was prepared to go to breakfast at 6:30am, when I noticed that no one had been released for breakfast yet (usually open at 6am). So, I waited with a friend and they made NO announcements... Then, at 7:30am, they released us to breakfast, pill line, and email. The rest of the compound is closed. I was all ready for work today. The facilities and landscaping employees (also inmates) are working hard outside in large snow suits, shoveling the heavy ice-snow off the roads and side walks. I'm glad that's not my job!!!!
I have no idea what this day will bring... whether the compound will open later... whether I will work this afternoon... how I will get my Friday enbryl injection (even the clinic is closed)... whether I will leave my unit at all, when I leave email...
The good news, is that I have plenty to do. I am working on sending out the holiday cards I made (yes, they are dorky, but made with love). I am halfway through two different crochet projects. I have several books to read. So, if this weather lasts the full weekend, I am set. I even have a couple mugs worth of hot chocolate mix and mini marshmallows, just in case!! Oh, and I bought long underwear, so I am comfortable in my unit with my shorts and shirt over the long underwear (it makes quite the fashion statement, but it's what everyone else is wearing too).
It's amazing to hear the responses about the snow from people who have spent their lives in the south. I'm afraid they will think it appropriate to make snow balls... but this is icy snow and it will HURT. It is perfect for making a snowman, but there's not that much of it, and we are not allowed on the grassy areas... maybe it can happen by outside rec sometime today. I'd participate in making a snowman if I had gloves, but I do not. I don't even own a scarf. Both are available at commissary, but I hadn't bought them (I was wearing shorts outside just 4 days ago).
Well... I'm going to med surge for the first time to see how I get my enbryl injection. I pray they can give it to me, or I will not be out of my bed much this weekend!
I have no idea what this day will bring... whether the compound will open later... whether I will work this afternoon... how I will get my Friday enbryl injection (even the clinic is closed)... whether I will leave my unit at all, when I leave email...
The good news, is that I have plenty to do. I am working on sending out the holiday cards I made (yes, they are dorky, but made with love). I am halfway through two different crochet projects. I have several books to read. So, if this weather lasts the full weekend, I am set. I even have a couple mugs worth of hot chocolate mix and mini marshmallows, just in case!! Oh, and I bought long underwear, so I am comfortable in my unit with my shorts and shirt over the long underwear (it makes quite the fashion statement, but it's what everyone else is wearing too).
It's amazing to hear the responses about the snow from people who have spent their lives in the south. I'm afraid they will think it appropriate to make snow balls... but this is icy snow and it will HURT. It is perfect for making a snowman, but there's not that much of it, and we are not allowed on the grassy areas... maybe it can happen by outside rec sometime today. I'd participate in making a snowman if I had gloves, but I do not. I don't even own a scarf. Both are available at commissary, but I hadn't bought them (I was wearing shorts outside just 4 days ago).
Well... I'm going to med surge for the first time to see how I get my enbryl injection. I pray they can give it to me, or I will not be out of my bed much this weekend!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
From Dragonfly: Cookies and Egg Nog
So, I've mentioned that the facility is all decorated for Christmas. There is a tree in the foyer, and another in the chow hall. They've wrapped a couple support beams in reddish paper and have a large box (empty) wrapped and with a nice bow. There are special commissary items - such as Christmas cookies, Christmas tree cakes, chocolate Christmas trees, laughing cow cheese, hot and spicy cheese-itz, hot and sweet sauce, bridge mix, caramel milky ways, raspberry thin mints, chocolate covered pretzels, peanut brittle, cliff bars, tuna with jalapenos, peanut butter snickers, chocolate covered coffee beans, soft batch cookies, junior mints, carnitas, and more on sale right now in the commissary - for just the months of November and December. They started sending out the list called "special Christmas items," but someone must have talked to them, because now the list is called "non-denominational holiday specials." Ha. Inmates are allowed an extra $25 per month to spend at commissary (in case the $320 limit they already have is not enough!). I do not spend close to the limit, now that I've been here for a couple months, but some people spend the limit every single month! They are not just buying for themselves, but for their "bills" --- paying the people who do their laundry, people they've 'bought' items from, etc. Some people spend their entire commissary on other people. (Which is not allowed, of course).
Today, the rumor is that there will be inmate recall at about 12:45pm. This means that my afternoon class will be cancelled and everyone, including the workers, have to go back to their housing units. Then, one unit at a time, we will be called to the chow hall to pick up a package of Christmas cookies (sugar-based cookies in tree designs with sprinkles) and a small bottle of egg nog. They do this every year. I guess next week, this will occur again and we will all receive a bag of candy.
Other than books, photos, cards, and letters we receive from the outside world in the mail, these will be our holiday gifts for the year. I received a wonderful holiday gift (Chanukah's) yesterday. Sporty and T.S. went to Walgreens.com and uploaded some pictures and made me a small "picture book" and had it shipped directly to me at Carswell. Since it came from an official store, and was in book form, it is allowed. These are wonderful ideas for your loved ones - you can use snapfish, walgreens, or any number of online sites to make picture books for your incarcerated family members. I know that mine brought me to tears --- it was full of pictures of Sporty and T.S. having fun - and their smiles made me smile!
Another friend sent me a couple books - good books! One is a daily reader called, "Peace One Day at a Time." It appears to be written for recovering alcoholics, but would apply to anyone. I read the daily reading out loud to my roommates as we wait for count each day. Yesterday's was about anger and one of my roommates got a lot from it. I keep the book on my pillow (like many people keep their bible) and that way I know I won't fail to read it every day.
Hope this gives people some ideas for the holidays. For me, I will be eating cookies and drinking egg nog this afternoon and thinking of all the people I am grateful for!
Today, the rumor is that there will be inmate recall at about 12:45pm. This means that my afternoon class will be cancelled and everyone, including the workers, have to go back to their housing units. Then, one unit at a time, we will be called to the chow hall to pick up a package of Christmas cookies (sugar-based cookies in tree designs with sprinkles) and a small bottle of egg nog. They do this every year. I guess next week, this will occur again and we will all receive a bag of candy.
Other than books, photos, cards, and letters we receive from the outside world in the mail, these will be our holiday gifts for the year. I received a wonderful holiday gift (Chanukah's) yesterday. Sporty and T.S. went to Walgreens.com and uploaded some pictures and made me a small "picture book" and had it shipped directly to me at Carswell. Since it came from an official store, and was in book form, it is allowed. These are wonderful ideas for your loved ones - you can use snapfish, walgreens, or any number of online sites to make picture books for your incarcerated family members. I know that mine brought me to tears --- it was full of pictures of Sporty and T.S. having fun - and their smiles made me smile!
Another friend sent me a couple books - good books! One is a daily reader called, "Peace One Day at a Time." It appears to be written for recovering alcoholics, but would apply to anyone. I read the daily reading out loud to my roommates as we wait for count each day. Yesterday's was about anger and one of my roommates got a lot from it. I keep the book on my pillow (like many people keep their bible) and that way I know I won't fail to read it every day.
Hope this gives people some ideas for the holidays. For me, I will be eating cookies and drinking egg nog this afternoon and thinking of all the people I am grateful for!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
From Dragonfly: Probation/Supervision
I just received an email from Sporty informing me that my probation officer contacted her today and they are coming by tomorrow morning to see my home. Once approved, my institution will start the paperwork for halfway house/home confinement. What the courts don't tell us, when we are sentenced, is that in addition to our "good time," most of us are eligible for extended halfway house and/or home confinement. I knew very little about this when I walked into Carswell.
Depending on how long you are in prison, you are eligible for an amount of halfway house time. Security level and medical issues affect the availability of this. During my first weeks here, my case worked submitted for me to have 120-150 days of halfway house... however, it's rare for the full amount of time to be approved... more likely that it will be in the 30 days or so... however, that means I "could" technically be leaving Carswell anywhere from February to May (150 days would be late February). It's most likely that my halfway house time would be in April or May.
Many people get "into" their halfway house time, and since the place has no beds, they remain here. I know several people who are still at Carswell months into their halfway house time. So, we can't depend on it, unless we are told the date that we have an official bed. So, it's just a waste of time to get one's hopes up too much.
The coolest thing, though, is that many halfway houses send you home to home confinement within the first week to month of your stay. If you have a home to go to and don't need to get too many services, home confinement is much more likely. That time lasts until your official "out date." Mine is July 2nd. Probation works with the halfway house to decide the requirements on home confinement. Some have to have electronic monitoring, others just have curfews. If I am sent home at some point in the next 6 months, it is likely I will be spending a lot of time at my new home with Sporty and our Super Dog. I haven't lived with Super Dog for several years, so she and I need some good playing fetch time together.
So, once my home is approved, paperwork will be received here at Carswell. Then, my case worker can submit the forms for halfway house. It takes a minimum of 60 days for those to be processed. Then, it's just a waiting game on when a bed will be available for me at my halfway house. The one I am going to is about 1 hour and 45 minutes from my home, but I don't care. I will be more free than here! Although, my supervisor informed me that I don't want to go to a halfway house - as they are full of felons (ummm, I'm a felon too...). He was being serious though, there are very scary people - including men coming out of prison after 20+ years behind bars. So, I just hope I can do the 72 hour orientation and go to home confinement. In time, I will know.
For those who have asked, I still have no further information on when/if I am going to that camp across the street. I've heard nothing from anyone. One of the other tutors spread the rumor around my job, so now my supervisor is nervous that I'm about to walk out on our new class. I can honestly say, if I am really being transferred, it could take weeks or months... I live one day at a time, so for now, I want to work.
Depending on how long you are in prison, you are eligible for an amount of halfway house time. Security level and medical issues affect the availability of this. During my first weeks here, my case worked submitted for me to have 120-150 days of halfway house... however, it's rare for the full amount of time to be approved... more likely that it will be in the 30 days or so... however, that means I "could" technically be leaving Carswell anywhere from February to May (150 days would be late February). It's most likely that my halfway house time would be in April or May.
Many people get "into" their halfway house time, and since the place has no beds, they remain here. I know several people who are still at Carswell months into their halfway house time. So, we can't depend on it, unless we are told the date that we have an official bed. So, it's just a waste of time to get one's hopes up too much.
The coolest thing, though, is that many halfway houses send you home to home confinement within the first week to month of your stay. If you have a home to go to and don't need to get too many services, home confinement is much more likely. That time lasts until your official "out date." Mine is July 2nd. Probation works with the halfway house to decide the requirements on home confinement. Some have to have electronic monitoring, others just have curfews. If I am sent home at some point in the next 6 months, it is likely I will be spending a lot of time at my new home with Sporty and our Super Dog. I haven't lived with Super Dog for several years, so she and I need some good playing fetch time together.
So, once my home is approved, paperwork will be received here at Carswell. Then, my case worker can submit the forms for halfway house. It takes a minimum of 60 days for those to be processed. Then, it's just a waiting game on when a bed will be available for me at my halfway house. The one I am going to is about 1 hour and 45 minutes from my home, but I don't care. I will be more free than here! Although, my supervisor informed me that I don't want to go to a halfway house - as they are full of felons (ummm, I'm a felon too...). He was being serious though, there are very scary people - including men coming out of prison after 20+ years behind bars. So, I just hope I can do the 72 hour orientation and go to home confinement. In time, I will know.
For those who have asked, I still have no further information on when/if I am going to that camp across the street. I've heard nothing from anyone. One of the other tutors spread the rumor around my job, so now my supervisor is nervous that I'm about to walk out on our new class. I can honestly say, if I am really being transferred, it could take weeks or months... I live one day at a time, so for now, I want to work.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Frmo Dragonfly: Mourning
How does one mourn for a lost family member when they are locked up? Yesterday, South was told to go to the Chaplain's office. There, she was told that her sister passed away. Her sister was 65 years old, healthy, and just retired from her job. Her sister's family had been going through some tough times. The sister's husband has cancer and is actively doing treatments. The sister's daughter, also, had cancer recently, and had to undergo radiation and chemo. South's sister has been helping her husband and daughter through everything, little did she know that she had a silent killer, congestive heart failure, building inside of herself. I'm sure the stress of her family's health problems did not help her health. South and her sister were just 1 1/2 years separated in age, South being the older one. They were very, very close.
South's sister sent her cards here all the time. The last one arrived just a week or two ago. It said, "nothing much going on" or something like that. South's family has been incredibly supportive of her time here at Carswell. She had done nothing intentionally wrong and her 6 month sentence broke all their hearts. She goes home at the end of January (if not sooner).
So, in the meantime, she must mourn from here. She cannot be with her family. She cannot be at the funeral. She cannot see her sister one last time, laying peacefully in a casket. South has no options, except to be by herself, with all her feelings, in a place where "crying" is not the best thing to do (although, I constantly tell people that it's okay to cry).
I made sure South ate some dinner last night. She actually sat at a table with a bunch of us at the Atrium and, then, she and I took a short walk to inside rec and back. Fresh air is good. She does not get out a lot. She still carries her oxygen around (just in case), but she is not needing her walker all the time. I told South that we should have a memorial for her sister. We'll do it outdoors and she can share stories about her sister. We'll read something appropriate. We'll give South the chance to "say goodbye" in the way she can from prison.
I have NO idea what I would do if someone I love passed while I am here. I made sure to see my grandma (with Alzheimer's) one last time before my self-surrender and, amazingly, my step-grandpa - at 95 years old - is still going strong! Both are fragile, and, yet, I couldn't imagine something happening and my not being there. But there are many people I love that I would be shocked to learn about passing... like South was with her sister. I never really thought about what it would be like to mourn from prison.
We hear about others' family members passing regularly. Right now, a friend of mine has a mother with terminal cancer. She goes home in a couple months. We are praying that her mom can hold on long enough that my friend can see her before she pasts. I know a woman who lost her husband. She was not given a furlough to attend the funeral (most do not). She had to mourn her spouse from inside Carswell. One woman I know lost her son. Another has a child who is very, very sick, but she cannot get a furlough to see her young son.
If prison can teach you one thing, it is the every present reality that people matter much more than things. Every person I know, here, would give everything to be with their families. In some ways, we all mourn their loss from our lives on a daily basis - even though in our hearts we know that we will see them again, some day. However, when that person passes away, as South's sister did, all those hopes of holding them in our arms again dies along with them. Make sure the last thing you say to anyone is pleasant. You may not always be happy with your loved ones, but you never know if it's going to be the last conversation you have.
My heart goes out to South and her family at this time. There's so little we can do for someone who is mourning from prison. I know South knows that many of us care, and people are sneaking in hugs with her (we are not supposed to hug). I pray her sister felt little pain and that South is given the time she needs to mourn her loss - both here and once she is home.
South's sister sent her cards here all the time. The last one arrived just a week or two ago. It said, "nothing much going on" or something like that. South's family has been incredibly supportive of her time here at Carswell. She had done nothing intentionally wrong and her 6 month sentence broke all their hearts. She goes home at the end of January (if not sooner).
So, in the meantime, she must mourn from here. She cannot be with her family. She cannot be at the funeral. She cannot see her sister one last time, laying peacefully in a casket. South has no options, except to be by herself, with all her feelings, in a place where "crying" is not the best thing to do (although, I constantly tell people that it's okay to cry).
I made sure South ate some dinner last night. She actually sat at a table with a bunch of us at the Atrium and, then, she and I took a short walk to inside rec and back. Fresh air is good. She does not get out a lot. She still carries her oxygen around (just in case), but she is not needing her walker all the time. I told South that we should have a memorial for her sister. We'll do it outdoors and she can share stories about her sister. We'll read something appropriate. We'll give South the chance to "say goodbye" in the way she can from prison.
I have NO idea what I would do if someone I love passed while I am here. I made sure to see my grandma (with Alzheimer's) one last time before my self-surrender and, amazingly, my step-grandpa - at 95 years old - is still going strong! Both are fragile, and, yet, I couldn't imagine something happening and my not being there. But there are many people I love that I would be shocked to learn about passing... like South was with her sister. I never really thought about what it would be like to mourn from prison.
We hear about others' family members passing regularly. Right now, a friend of mine has a mother with terminal cancer. She goes home in a couple months. We are praying that her mom can hold on long enough that my friend can see her before she pasts. I know a woman who lost her husband. She was not given a furlough to attend the funeral (most do not). She had to mourn her spouse from inside Carswell. One woman I know lost her son. Another has a child who is very, very sick, but she cannot get a furlough to see her young son.
If prison can teach you one thing, it is the every present reality that people matter much more than things. Every person I know, here, would give everything to be with their families. In some ways, we all mourn their loss from our lives on a daily basis - even though in our hearts we know that we will see them again, some day. However, when that person passes away, as South's sister did, all those hopes of holding them in our arms again dies along with them. Make sure the last thing you say to anyone is pleasant. You may not always be happy with your loved ones, but you never know if it's going to be the last conversation you have.
My heart goes out to South and her family at this time. There's so little we can do for someone who is mourning from prison. I know South knows that many of us care, and people are sneaking in hugs with her (we are not supposed to hug). I pray her sister felt little pain and that South is given the time she needs to mourn her loss - both here and once she is home.
Monday, December 2, 2013
From Dragonfly: Yarn
This weekend was especially filled with drama in our unit. It culminated yesterday with one of my friends screaming at another of my friends about appropriate behavior. Neither was in the right. Also, none of us are in a position to judge another person. Yesterday, in a great daily reader sent to me by a good friend, the quote included the phrase, "don't let other people take up rent free space in your head." I've always loved that quote. It's so honest and to the point. If we are sitting around thinking about someone else's wrongs or what they do that bothers us, we are giving them our energy, our important serenity, everything - and they do not deserve it. Instead, fill our heads with the positive thoughts that keep us sane and smiling (like memories of hugging those we love, a great vacation, or time with a best friend).
So, what happens when someone who stole yarn, stores it in another's room (cause they can't get caught with it in their locker), and the other person then uses the yarn after a couple months of holding on to it? Can a disagreement like this be handled without rough-housing? The one who originally stole the yarn, wants the user of the yarn to buy them replacement yarn. The person who used the yarn receives no finances in. Her welfare is threatened by the the other. Is anyone in the right here? No "law" can be brought in because it was stolen yarn in someone else's locker. These are the kind of fights that happen on a daily basis here. Many end up with both women going to the SHU. It seems so petty - like our fights in the laundry room - yet, it wears down on all of us dealing with this stuff on a daily basis.
Going to be a short one... have to go to work early. I start in a new classroom with over 30 students this morning. More later!
So, what happens when someone who stole yarn, stores it in another's room (cause they can't get caught with it in their locker), and the other person then uses the yarn after a couple months of holding on to it? Can a disagreement like this be handled without rough-housing? The one who originally stole the yarn, wants the user of the yarn to buy them replacement yarn. The person who used the yarn receives no finances in. Her welfare is threatened by the the other. Is anyone in the right here? No "law" can be brought in because it was stolen yarn in someone else's locker. These are the kind of fights that happen on a daily basis here. Many end up with both women going to the SHU. It seems so petty - like our fights in the laundry room - yet, it wears down on all of us dealing with this stuff on a daily basis.
Going to be a short one... have to go to work early. I start in a new classroom with over 30 students this morning. More later!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
From Dragonfly: Reaction to Transfer
For the last several days, I have been informing friends and those that "should" know (such as coworkers) about my pending transfer across the street. The reaction has certainly been mixed. Those on the outside, all seem quite happy with the news. I will no longer be behind a fence (although since the camp is located on a military base, I am still behind the fences of the base - but I won't see those). I will no longer have controlled moves (I am able to move about when I want - except for set times for count). I will live among 300 people total (there are over 250 women just in my unit here). I will wear green (now I wear khaki). I will be allowed to roam outside more of the day - especially later at night (here, we have recall at 8:30pm and must stay in our units after that time). I will be able to see a large lake (I love being near water). I will have 5 roommates (here, I have 3 - now that I'm out of the bus stop). I will share a bathroom, including a bathtub, with only 5 other people (here, I share about 14 toilet stalls and about 16 shower stalls with 256 other women). I "may" have carpet or tile in my room (here, it's grey concrete everywhere). There are drawbacks - the phones are outside, under a roof - so it's cold. Lines for everything (pill line, commissary, dining hall, etc.) occur outdoors, rather than indoors. I will have to walk outdoors just to do my laundry. But, this is Texas, and the weather is mild compared to what I am used to in the Midwest. Oh, and people say it's really BORING. I think I'd prefer "boring" to crazy.
Okay, on the inside - here - my friends seem happy for me, but sad I will not be here with them. I mostly worry about South. Danbury and myself are her two closest friends and Danbury leaves tomorrow. I will leave within a couple weeks. South doesn't go home until the end of January. I'm glad there are people here who I know will keep her company. Freckles says that she wants to spend a little time with me each day until I leave - cause she knows that one day, I just won't show up. That's how things are here - we find things out last minute and then we are gone. Star goes back and forth between being happy and sad that I'm leaving. But, Star is going to be moved into the hospital soon - cause her baby is due in January. She also goes home in February. Nurse is still fighting her "shot" and is very distracted (for good reason). She needs to fight the shot, because if it stands, she will lose her "camp eligibility" and be stuck here or in another FCI for the rest of her sentence (even though she came in as minimum security).
Bandana lived at the camp across the street for 4 months and shared a lot with me. She indicated the freedom has a price - there's a lot of drugs and contraband moving in and out of the camp. Some people work on the base, and that interaction with "outside" people has a cost. Along with everyone else, she says it is boring. To fight the boredom, I am going to talk with the head teacher of the camp (who often comes inside our education department) and request a transfer to her department. As long as I have a job, I won't be bored.
There are different caliber women's "camps" in the prison system. There are high quality camps - Alderson, Victorville, and Dublin. There are okay camps - Lexington, for former Danbury (it's closing down), Greenville, Tallahassee and Bryan (perhaps others). Then there are camps such as Carswell. It's not a fully outfitted camp - and has few activities available. It is really just a satellite camp from the medical facility and not a stand-alone camp. Even staff say it's a low level camp in the structure of prison camps. But, for me, it's greater freedom and getting away from the most violent offenders. Perhaps, I will be able to find a little more hope and serenity there. Maybe someone will let me start a GA meeting. It has potential for me - and until that potential is diminished, I'll stay hopeful.
I'm nervous, too. It means starting over with new roommates (always a challenge). It means learning new rules, going through a new orientation period, and being without any of my support system I've built in here. Thank god my support system from outside will be there right along with me! And, since it is a part of the rest of Carswell, my address won't even change!
I don't know if I'm going this week, in three weeks, or over a month from now. All I know is that I am going. Flexibility and patience are two things we must have to survive prison. I'm growing these attributes on a daily basis.
Okay, on the inside - here - my friends seem happy for me, but sad I will not be here with them. I mostly worry about South. Danbury and myself are her two closest friends and Danbury leaves tomorrow. I will leave within a couple weeks. South doesn't go home until the end of January. I'm glad there are people here who I know will keep her company. Freckles says that she wants to spend a little time with me each day until I leave - cause she knows that one day, I just won't show up. That's how things are here - we find things out last minute and then we are gone. Star goes back and forth between being happy and sad that I'm leaving. But, Star is going to be moved into the hospital soon - cause her baby is due in January. She also goes home in February. Nurse is still fighting her "shot" and is very distracted (for good reason). She needs to fight the shot, because if it stands, she will lose her "camp eligibility" and be stuck here or in another FCI for the rest of her sentence (even though she came in as minimum security).
Bandana lived at the camp across the street for 4 months and shared a lot with me. She indicated the freedom has a price - there's a lot of drugs and contraband moving in and out of the camp. Some people work on the base, and that interaction with "outside" people has a cost. Along with everyone else, she says it is boring. To fight the boredom, I am going to talk with the head teacher of the camp (who often comes inside our education department) and request a transfer to her department. As long as I have a job, I won't be bored.
There are different caliber women's "camps" in the prison system. There are high quality camps - Alderson, Victorville, and Dublin. There are okay camps - Lexington, for former Danbury (it's closing down), Greenville, Tallahassee and Bryan (perhaps others). Then there are camps such as Carswell. It's not a fully outfitted camp - and has few activities available. It is really just a satellite camp from the medical facility and not a stand-alone camp. Even staff say it's a low level camp in the structure of prison camps. But, for me, it's greater freedom and getting away from the most violent offenders. Perhaps, I will be able to find a little more hope and serenity there. Maybe someone will let me start a GA meeting. It has potential for me - and until that potential is diminished, I'll stay hopeful.
I'm nervous, too. It means starting over with new roommates (always a challenge). It means learning new rules, going through a new orientation period, and being without any of my support system I've built in here. Thank god my support system from outside will be there right along with me! And, since it is a part of the rest of Carswell, my address won't even change!
I don't know if I'm going this week, in three weeks, or over a month from now. All I know is that I am going. Flexibility and patience are two things we must have to survive prison. I'm growing these attributes on a daily basis.
From Dragonfly: The Facts of Life
I grew up watching the TV show, "The Facts of Life." It started when the "students" were still teenagers and away at boarding school... as the actresses grew up, the show transitioned with them to follow them into college. I loved the show - there was Jo, the tough boyish girl who didn't quite 'fit in.' Blaire, the popular cheerleader type. Tootie, the only African American among all Caucasians. Natalie, the overweight, friendly, gullible one. And overseeing them all was Mrs. Garrett. She was the den mother, confidante, all-knowing, loving, disciplinarian to them all.
The other day, I was thinking about how much life at Carswell is similar to "The Facts of Life." We have people from all walks of life living together. We deal with cat-fights, jealousy, racism, weight issues, difficult relationships, friendships, academic successes and failures, missing family, and we even have our own "Mrs. Garrett." The daytime C.O. in my unit is a woman named Mrs. Garrett.
I don't know if our Mrs. Garrett ever watched "The Facts of Life," but she certainly has many of the characteristics of the TV personality. She does her best to not have favorites. She is quite the disciplinarian. She is a confidante to many. She can be caring. The inmates seem to look up to her. She is tough, but is, also, well respected. They may look nothing alike, but the two Mrs. Garretts certainly have some things in common.
As for me, I don't really know Mrs. Garrett all that well. I try my best to stay out of the C.O. office - plus I work most of the days that she's on duty. But, I can say, that a different in a daytime C.O. can mean the difference from a well-organized unit and one that is in distress. When I first arrived here, we were always last or second to last in the meal rotation. This is due to the fact that our unit was consistently scoring low on inspection. Mrs. Garrett came along and told everyone that she expected better, and we did better. We have consistently been in the top three units (and always the top unit in the high rise) since her arrival. More often than not, we are #1 - scoring a perfect 100.
This is cause for some competition, as other units try to beat us. Also, there seems to be some difficulty among staff at times. For example, this week, when they came around to inspect the unit, two rooms were written up - including mine - for dust in the window sill. Mrs. Garrett immediately checked both rooms and knew that it was a false 'write up' and "got into it" with the inspector. I am never here during inspection (it's during the times I work), but that's one thing I really appreciate about a good C.O., they will stick up for their unit. That's a lot like Mrs. Garrett from the show, who always stuck up for her girls as well.
A new daytime C.O. will rotate in next month (January). I will not likely be here to see what happens. I suspect that unfortunately, the unit will stop being so organized and things will start to fall again. It will likely be a C.O. who may not care as much about the unit - they will do their job - well, but won't take that extra time and energy to see us as individuals rather than just inmates. I appreciate the tough C.O.'s that are fair to all. That describes Mrs. Garrett and our own "facts of life."
The other day, I was thinking about how much life at Carswell is similar to "The Facts of Life." We have people from all walks of life living together. We deal with cat-fights, jealousy, racism, weight issues, difficult relationships, friendships, academic successes and failures, missing family, and we even have our own "Mrs. Garrett." The daytime C.O. in my unit is a woman named Mrs. Garrett.
I don't know if our Mrs. Garrett ever watched "The Facts of Life," but she certainly has many of the characteristics of the TV personality. She does her best to not have favorites. She is quite the disciplinarian. She is a confidante to many. She can be caring. The inmates seem to look up to her. She is tough, but is, also, well respected. They may look nothing alike, but the two Mrs. Garretts certainly have some things in common.
As for me, I don't really know Mrs. Garrett all that well. I try my best to stay out of the C.O. office - plus I work most of the days that she's on duty. But, I can say, that a different in a daytime C.O. can mean the difference from a well-organized unit and one that is in distress. When I first arrived here, we were always last or second to last in the meal rotation. This is due to the fact that our unit was consistently scoring low on inspection. Mrs. Garrett came along and told everyone that she expected better, and we did better. We have consistently been in the top three units (and always the top unit in the high rise) since her arrival. More often than not, we are #1 - scoring a perfect 100.
This is cause for some competition, as other units try to beat us. Also, there seems to be some difficulty among staff at times. For example, this week, when they came around to inspect the unit, two rooms were written up - including mine - for dust in the window sill. Mrs. Garrett immediately checked both rooms and knew that it was a false 'write up' and "got into it" with the inspector. I am never here during inspection (it's during the times I work), but that's one thing I really appreciate about a good C.O., they will stick up for their unit. That's a lot like Mrs. Garrett from the show, who always stuck up for her girls as well.
A new daytime C.O. will rotate in next month (January). I will not likely be here to see what happens. I suspect that unfortunately, the unit will stop being so organized and things will start to fall again. It will likely be a C.O. who may not care as much about the unit - they will do their job - well, but won't take that extra time and energy to see us as individuals rather than just inmates. I appreciate the tough C.O.'s that are fair to all. That describes Mrs. Garrett and our own "facts of life."
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