From Dragonfly: Names

Many books/shows state that all inmates go by their last names in prison. This is certainly true when we interact with staff of the prison. Most just refer to us without any salutation. If my last name was Smith, I would be "Smith" when they need anything. In education, they add a little respect, and would refer to us with a salutation, "Ms. Smith." A good number of the staff can't pronounce our last names correctly, and they don't like to be corrected, so we just have to get used to being called by the wrong last name. If we don't respond, it is on us, not them.

Inmates, here, tend to refer to each other by first names. I wasn't anticipating that. The only people I hear inmates calling by last name, are those much older, and the salutation is added, "Ms. Thompson." Other than that, everyone just goes by their first name. I think it may be different in other prisons, but that's the way it is here.

There are also many nicknames, including the family relationships I wrote about before coming to prison. There are many, many women here in "family" relationships - calling each other, "sister," "mother," "daughter," and "daddy," among other names. These are not people related to one another, it is merely a family structure they put together while being incarcerated. They may eat meals together, help each other out with commissary, and protect one another. Some are in relationships that go beyond that, many are not.

There is one exception to the above paragraph, there is a mother and daughter in my unit who are actually mother and daughter. They just recently transferred the daughter to our unit. Her mom has been here for several months, but the daughter was still being sentenced. When sentenced, the judge actually said that daughter and mother should be at the same institution. The daughter is very early 20's, and the mother can keep an eye on her. They both have 10 or so years to do. I was very surprised that not only the judge wanted them at the same institution, but that the DOP actually followed through on that recommendation. I am glad that they can maintain their loving relationship - especially with so much time to do. It's funny to hear the two of them squabble like normal mother/daughter relationships.

There are at least six women in my unit who share my first name. One woman has a girlfriend who screams our name all the time to get her attention from upstairs. I can't help but turn around every time, knowing full well that no one screams my name in the unit (my acquaintances tend to be a little more respectful of everyone). I considered a nickname, but I just went back to my name 5 years ago, after going more than a decade with a nickname. I don't need to get started with another nickname. I guess it would be easier if everyone just called me by my last name - I am the only one here with it - but then it would be like I was playing on a sports team. That's the last time in my life where people all referred to me by my last name.

I was glad that no one gave me their own "nickname" upon my arrival. There are a couple people who call me "genius," which I am not, but for some reason, since they think I'm 20-something, and I know more than a 20-something person should know (I'm 40 after all), it's just a nickname of assumptions that are not true. Plus, there are the students who call me "Ms. Tutor." I don't mind that name. It's the way that they see me.

Names are really important to people and their identities. My identity is not necessarily attached to my name, as I share my full name with someone who is famous, has published under the name, and even owns a URL under my name. If people don't know me, they actually think I could be her. I've often thought about changing my name, even if just my last name, which I may still do, so I am no longer confused with this other more-famous woman (whose politics are very different than my own). Perhaps marriage will one day change my last name, or I will just use Dragonfly Hazel for a while. Although, I may seem a bit flighty with the name Dragonfly. It's a good pen name and I love that so many appreciate my writing. I think what I do in my life and for others is much more important than the name I am known by.

Happy Halloween

It's not a federal holiday, so nothing special for Halloween. Although, I have heard there may be cupcakes during lunch. You may notice from my posts, that food seems to come up a lot. I've thought about why everyone here is so obsessed with the food - which is often barely edible and sometimes wonderful... I think it's because in prison, it is the only nourishment we get. Prison takes away our right to nourish most parts of our life - we are not allowed to love openly, we cannot have any touch with anyone, we can only learn what they allow us to learn, we can't express ourselves through style, we can't take a bath - all the ways we nourish ourselves on the outside are pretty much taken away from us.

They have to feed us, though, and once in a while - the food is good. Everyone talks about the "treats" they give us once in a while and it brings a smile to many faces. If, in fact, there is a cupcake today, the lines will be very long for lunch, as everyone wants a little bit of nourishment. It will be even better if it is decorated for Halloween!

I will spend most of today under desks and tables... I am hooking up computers in the education department. All classes are cancelled for the rest of the week, while we get the department fully computerized to help make the shift for all our GED testing to be done via computer (which is mandated for January 1st). For two hours yesterday afternoon, Freckles and I crawled under tables and unplugged old computers and plugged in the new computers. It was hot, and for the first time, I was allowed to take off my outer buttoned shirt (down to my t-shirt) in the education department. Freckles and I knew we'd both feel the strain of crawling around on the ground in our bodies later, but for the first time since I have been here, I was feeling like my old self again... Everyone at home calls me for their electronics help, and now I was able to do it here. We hooked up 26 new computer systems yesterday. Overall, the department is getting well over 100 new computers installed this week.

It does cause a problem for the GED team, however. Many, many, many of our students do not know how to type. I sit in the email lab, and most people are searching and pecking on their keyboards. If they are going to take a timed GED test using computers, we have to get them comfortable typing - otherwise, they will run out of time on their tests.

Also, these computers will NOT have Internet at all. So, still no googling. In fact, I learned that if an inmate somehow gets on the Internet, it is considered, "escape by computer" - a MAJOR offense. Since it is an unlawful connection with the outside world - it is equivalent to escaping from prison. It's no different than how they treat inmate death - "escape by death." I kid you not...

Well, happy Halloween. Today, I decided to dress as a prisoner. Unfortunately, everyone else around me have the same costume on!

From Dragonfly: Hambuger Day

Wednesdays are always hamburgers for lunch. It is also the only meal we get a dessert. Today was chocolate pudding. I guess some prisons give lots of desserts, but not here. The hamburgers are cooked well and we are even given fresh tomato, onion, and pickles to put on the bun. We are given a slice of cheese (not melted). On the side is either homemade (not crisp) fries or lay's potato chips. I don't like the homemade potato fries. This is a favorite meal for many people here. I've never been a "weekly" hamburger eater. My step-father, on the other hand, would eat a burger every day. But, it's lunch and I eat it, nonetheless.

Wednesday is also hump day - as it is everywhere. By Wednesday, I am usually very tired. I work from 7:30am-8pm on Mondays and by the time I get off work on Tuesdays at 5:00pm, I can barely walk or stay awake. When I walk into my unit on Tuesday nights, my friends already know that I will likely spend most of the night in my room, reading, on my bed. When I get up to walk to the restroom, people actually laugh, because I am walking like an old lady. It's been worse lately, with both my legs/feet in pain at night. Yet, there's nothing I can really do about it here!

Tonight, I will probably be more awake than last night and by tomorrow, I will be over the "hump." Thursdays are usually good days for me. By Friday evening, I pass out around 6pm and can sleep until morning - except that I have to stand for 9pm count. I keep wishing that my body will get better, that somehow, something will reverse itself and I will just be healthy again. I fear that's not occurring at the moment. But, I make the best of it. I may walk slow, but I don't stop walking. I can use an elevator, but I choose to walk up/down the flight of stairs to the chow hall (although I am glad I no longer live 24 stairs up in my unit!).

I am trying to focus on the health in the 4 areas of my life - emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Given my location at present, all these can suffer at various times. However, emotionally I am strong from my recovery program. I always lean on G.A. when I am feeling emotionally spent. Mentally, I take care of myself by talking things out and making sure I am living one day at a time. I will get too overwhelmed if I go much further out than that. Spiritually, I have always struggled. Not with my religion - I am Jewish - but with prayer and the concept of God. However, my recovery has helped me there too - as I do believe in a higher power and I know that I cannot control everything or anybody. I only can do the next right thing. I say the serenity prayer often, and that helps a great deal. There is the tiny Jewish community here, but I am unable to attend their Tuesday afternoon group and I am okay with that fact. I'd rather have my job.

So, the area I always struggle the most with is physical health. I've always been overweight and I accept that I will never be thin. My goal, always, is to be healthy. I've lost almost 20 pounds since arriving at Carswell and I suspect the pounds will slowly continue to fall. Even with burgers every week, the weight is coming off. I hope that it is a sign that I am finally losing the weight put on by months of prednisone use last year. My face is still round due to the pills. If I lose another 20 pounds, I will be at a weight I haven't been in more than 10 years. However, so much about my body is out of my control. Ever since I got sick last year, I struggle with pain, swelling, and other symptoms. Medication helps, but nothing has stopped it. Some of the best rheumatologists in the country have seen me and helped to diagnose me. So, what do I do when one of the 4 areas of my life - physical health - is so out of whack??

Acceptance. Acceptance is the only way I can keep my physical health, and not lose my emotional, spiritual, or mental health at the same time. Sometimes it is really hard. But, I know that I can only do what I am capable of doing and that I have a whole life to live, even with these physical issues. I know I will survive anything... I mean, I am surviving Carswell and weekly hamburger day after all.

From Dragonfly: Insight

People in prison can see themselves in many different identities. Some see themselves as crooks. Some as hustlers. Some work hard to see themselves as superheroes, others as victims. Some inmates are ultimate athletes, others as patients. There are a few that see themselves as carpenters, electricians, or even architects. Some inmates see themselves as children, others as elderly. There are inmates that are ultimate learners, taking every class offered; and inmates that see themselves as ultimate criminals, learning the ins and outs of everyone's crimes. There are survivors and jailhouse lawyers and mothers and grandmothers, and, even, daddies. There are lots of identities in prison, and most people try to wear one identity really well.

My identity is "Ms. Tutor." Wherever I walk, someone will say, "that's my tutor," or "hi, Ms. Tutor." Yes, they are supposed to call me by my last name, but for some reason, inmates have a hard time saying it correctly (as do the C.O.'s) even though it is only 2 syllables and is not all that difficult. In my unit, random people, that I don't really know, will walk up to me and ask me for tutoring help on their homework. I mostly help people with math - fractions, decimals, percentages, geometry and algebra. I like algebra the most. I also like percentages, because I never forgot the equation I learned as a child, "is over of equals percentage over 100." I realize this just brings out the nerd in me a whole lot more, but I wear that identity proudly as well. :-)

I do not try to be "Ms. Tutor" all the time. Once I am out of work, I take off my required uniform and put on shorts and a t-shirt, just like everyone else. I sit at a table with a bunch of women and work on crochet or friendship bracelets (yep, still making them). But, the identity doesn't leave me. Anyone who asks for help, I say, "yes." It's not like I'm doing anything more important than them WANTING to learn for passing their GED. I know that all the other tutors help people outside of work, too. It just comes with the job!

Plus, now, I am also teaching my U.S. Government course on Monday nights. That brings in different students - as it is adult continuing education. While the curriculum is set for me, I am able to be flexible in some of my teaching strategies. For example, when covering the three branches of government and checks/balances last night, I had the students divided into Executive, Judicial, House, and Senate and they had four laws/bills that some were trying to pass or appeal to the supreme court and based on what each branch did, the law/bill could be stalled, signed into law, found unconstitutional/constitutional by the courts, sent back down for rewriting, etc. In a 20 minute period, only 1 of the 4 laws/bills were fully signed and found to be Constitutional. The students felt that they understood the concepts and the roles of government much better.

My young appearance does get in the way sometimes. This is nothing new for me. When I was practicing law, no one believed I was an attorney, as I looked too young. But, I was in my 20's then. Now, as I am 40 years old, people here think I am in my 20's. For some reason, that makes people unsure on whether to believe what I say - "how could a 20-something year old know so much." When they find out that I am 40, suddenly they go, "ohhhhh, now that makes sense." Not one person I've met here has been within 5 years of guessing my correct age. Yes, I do look that young!

Some people think that since I am so young (they are putting my age in my 20's), I must be a genius. I am not. Not by a long shot. There are geniuses here - I recently met a member of Mensa - who graduated high school at 15 years of age. I will call her Nurse, as she was a nurse and health administrator on the outside. She is only a couple weeks into her Carswell experience, also a self-surrender, and still appears shell-shocked by all she sees. With her background in medicine, she is challenging the medical staff here to do the right thing - give cotton balls and alcohol wipes after people check their gluten level (sharing the same machine); provide people with the correct medication (including herself); understand medical conditions; etc. In just a couple weeks, she has already gone to the warden on several issues. I think the story that got her in here, as well as the story she will tell once she is released from here, will make a book! She says she is planning one. I suppose her identity is author and/or health advocate.

I'm glad my identity matches my identity on the outside. I am a teacher. I like to help others achieve their goals. I am very grateful I am given the opportunity to share this identity with the people inside Carswell.

From Freckles: Bruised but not Broken...

For those of us who were not locked up during our pretrial and/or after sentencing, we were fortunate enough to have the time to mentally prepare for our prison destination. But, is there really a way to totally mentally prepare?

Contrary to popular belief, this is not "club fed." Yes, we have exercise facilities, outdoor sports activities, bands, seminars and evening adult continuing education classes. Our stresses may appear to be few compared to you on "the outs." We have three meals a day, a set "bed" time, no monthly bills to stress over and no clothing choices. We have five pairs of underwear & 5 t-shirts; so our 2 designated laundry times per week are sufficient.

However, sometimes, just the daily trials and tribulations are enough to push us to a breaking point. There is a "pill line" that medical patients need to wait in up to 3x/day and sometimes up to 3 hours, just for medicine. Then, there's even the instance where you get up to the window and are told your medicine is "discontinued." WTF does that mean? The individuals working the "window" are contracted and know nothing about the BOP workings. So, you go an entire day without your medication and a trip to "sick call" goes on your calendar for 6am the following day. if the following day is Wednesday or the weekend, you are SOL, there is no sick call on those days. Once there, you sit from 6am until sometimes noon or after. You get to see a PA - the Docs here are like the Wizard of Oz; you rarely see them. Some of us have restrictions that preclude sitting more than an hour or two - again, no regard, we're treated like cattle. Once the PA sees you and tells you "we are weening you off your medication," it's shock. This person has NEVER seen me, they have no clue. But, we "Deal."

We miss loved ones birthdays, our anniversaries, holidays, and most of a "normal" existence. We make $0.12-$0.40 cents per hour - enough to maybe buy some hygiene products and snacks. We are charged 5 cents/minute for email - even if just reading them and 23 cents/minute for phone. We have to rely on y'all (yes, we are in Texas - ha) to send $$, so we can afford to survive. Not everyone has a "hustle" like dragonfly - Ha! :-)

We've lost our freedom and our independence - we don't know if today's the day we anger an M floor patient or crazy in pill line and get knocked on our butts. This my friends, is stress - we're pushed sometimes daily, sometimes monthly, to our breaking point. We cry, we get frustrated, we rant. Thank god some of us have people in here we can honestly call "friends" and who can get us through days like these. It's hard to make our friends/family in the "free world" understand.

The people here try daily to break us. Please keep that in the back of your mind when we're "suntanning" on a gorgeous Texas afternoon watching/playing softball.

Godspeed my friends... "Freckles"

(From Dragonfly - an interesting and honest perspective!!!)

From Dragonfly: Two Realities

My mom has been good at sending me a couple books to read to help the time go by... unfortunately, I read the books in a couple of days and then seek out more reading. Anyway, two books that she recently sent me, I'd like to mention here. The first is John Grisham's novel, "The Racketeer." I had no idea what the book would be about. However, once I read the first line (about once being an attorney but now being in federal prison), I was shell-shocked... was this book going to be my story??

Well, no, it is not my story at all. The main character is a male and in a federal prison camp. There are a lot of differences in our daily prison lives, just for those two differences. At the same time, Grisham does an EXCELLENT job of describing life in federal prison, the prison system, and the main character's couple months at an FCI (similar to where I am now). I've already shared the book with South and Freckles, and we are all like, "wow, he really did his research on what our lives are like!" However, just like when I read "1L" before my first year of law, all people's experiences are unique, so don't get hung up on the specifics.

Another book I just read (compliments of my mother) is "The Storyteller" by Jodi Piccoult. This book I highly, highly recommend!!! Anyone who knows me, knows I am a big Piccoult fan. Every book of hers is totally unique and she does the most incredible research into her characters. They are multi-dimensional and the reader understands the conflicted lives of the characters. Piccoult knows how to tell a great story!

This book, however, was the perfect read for me while in prison. I don't want to give away too much of the storyline, but it surprisingly becomes a novel about the Holocaust. The story told, with vivid detail, gives insight to life in the German prison camps (nothing like the U.S. federal prison camps we have here and now). It was actually a reality check for me. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for! I am fed three meals a day (even if I do not enjoy them - they sustain me). I have clothing that is clean. I have access to some health care (even if it is mediocre). I have my own bed. I get paid for my work, rather than just rations (even if it is $0.12/hour). Only a couple of people faint in front of me each week (there, they were dying). I know that I will be heading home. That is the thing to be most grateful for!