From Dragonfly: A Feminist

This is not going to be the most academic view of what it means to be a feminist in prison, but it's time that I reveal some of the thoughts I have about some of the things I see. One who is a feminist may think that a community entirely women-oriented would be a wonderful place for budding feminism. This is certainly not the case here.

I can't remember if I wrote about this before, but one night in my room, my bunkie was talking about how her girlfriend pissed her off and so she hit her. I was not part of the conversation, having been lost in the world of a good book, but I spoke up at that moment and said, "you hit her?" She said, "yes" and that sometimes it is the right thing to do. I then said, "it is never okay to hit a woman." My other two roomies disagreed with me and said that they believe that sometimes, someone deserves to be hit - especially someone we are dating. I spoke up and said, "okay, let's please talk about something else. My little feminist brain can't handle any more of this conversation. It is NEVER okay to hit a woman. It is never okay to hit someone we are dating. I've participated in countless activities to stop this kind of domestic violence." They stopped and moved on to a different topic. I laid in my bed, wondering, where in the world had we all gone wrong that women actually think it's okay to hit their female partners.

The thing is, I've seen too many "couples" get into physical fights here. The next day, after swearing they'll never go back with that person, the person abused goes right back to the relationship. I've seen fat lips, bruised arms, knotted heads, black eyes, as well as heard all the made-up excuses: "my locker did it," "I fell out of bed," "I tripped on the sidewalk." Meanwhile, they cry to their closest friends about how ABC punched them because they accused them of cheating or how they both punched each other in the rage of a fight. This happens so often, that I've become desensitized to the reality.

I'm not exactly sure how to best understand my experience under any feminist pedagogy. So many women, here, do stand up for themselves. In a community where women outnumber the men about 95:5, the women still back down if a male enters the space. They treat male staff differently than female staff. They talk about them differently, too. They respect them differently.

Even when I try to speak up about these observations, people just stare at me. Even those educated around me, would probably not refer to themselves as feminists. If ever there was a place to build the ideals of feminism: such as being independent, standing up for oneself, believing that females and males are equal and deserve equal treatment, demanding for tolerance of diversity, this is the place I would think it possible. But, then again, we are all "broken" and away from our comfort zones. Perhaps, that makes us the women society always said we were. I don't know. Just wanted to share a couple thoughts.

From Dragonfly: A Public Announcement

Yesterday, our friends were officially "released" from isolation after 4 days of being treated with high security in the SHU because their roommate was suspected of having the flu. Even though they did nothing wrong, they were treated the exact same in the SHU as any other person who has to go there for discipline. Their stories are scary and I'm so glad they are back out in general population. I was told by them that, now, they appreciate the "comforts" of being in general population - going outside, real mattresses, pillows, clothing, private toilets, etc. I shall remain grateful and hopeful that I never have to go through that experience.

However, the flu scare in the U.S. is not over. Two people from medical came to our unit to give a public announcement yesterday afternoon. I guess 12 people have died in Dallas from the current H1N1 flu outbreak. I hope all my loved ones chose to get the flu shot!!! The flu is also inside Carswell, although they admitted that none of the people isolated for having the flu have confirmed cases, they believe they have the flu based on symptomology. I'm not sure if they have to send out samples to the CDC or some health department.

As part of the announcement, they informed us that if we have not yet been vaccinated, that we can submit a "cop-out" to the clinic to get ourselves the flu vaccine. They had offered it to everyone in the Fall, but I think like 1/3 of the inmates refused the vaccine for various reasons. For me, I asked the nurse if I could take the vaccine based on my medication restrictions (including no live vaccines) and she handed me the "refusal" papers. From what I have heard, the flu vaccine is a "dead" vaccine and has no live cultures. But, I want someone here to tell me that it's okay for me to take it. So, when they opened for questions, I asked, "can I take the vaccine if I am not allowed any live vaccines?" The response, "send a cop-out to your doctor." Meaning, 'we will not make that decision.' I'm supposed to send a cop-out to my doctor, even though I have two other cop-outs to the same doctor and neither has been responded to... Being immunocompromised, I really, really can't fight off the flu, so if I am allowed the vaccine, I need to take it!!!

In other news, I know several people going home today. Two of them were roommates of mine in the bus stop. I remember my first days here, hearing that they had about six months left, and now they are headed to their halfway houses. I pray that I do not see them ever again - meaning they do not come back! Too many people are back here on parole violations. Just the other day, my roommate who has been incarcerated for 12 years, since she was 19 years old, told me that she only knows life inside prisons. She's a hustler. How will she be able to live a "clean" life on the outside? I pray that those walking out of prison today, never come back!

South learned, officially, that she will not be going home on her home confinement date, but rather she will have to max out. That makes her out date exactly one month from today. I'm frustrated that we are given all these dates, but in reality, so many people are forced to max out their time. I don't know why no one made the arrangements for her to be able to go home, but she still has to see someone about her travel arrangements, even though they are currently doing travel for people not leaving until March. Somehow, since her case worker left late last year, someone seems to have dropped the ball on her paperwork. The one good thing, though, is that they cannot keep her a day after February 10th. I will be counting down with her! Right now, 30 days and a wake-up!!

From Dragonfly: Can You Smell That?

There's a constant noise every morning at breakfast, "can you smell this for me?" Why? Because our milk comes in small, clear plastic pouches, that we use our teeth to open at a corner. Yes, it sounds weird, but it's a lot like a clear "Capri-sun" without the straw. The one problem, though, is that "often" the milk is spoiled.


We have to smell the milk to ensure that we are not about to drink spoiled milk. But, often, I have to have "back up" to ensure my smell is working well. Less frequently, the plastic of the pouch will actually have hardened milk on it - that's a sure sign that something is wrong!!! This happened to me with two pouches in a row this morning - ew!!! Then, the third pouch I received smelled rotten. Finally, on a fourth try, I got a nice, healthy pouch of unspoiled milk. I used more than half on my cereal and the little bit left in my cup. Most days, I try to have two pouches of milk (getting milk/dairy is the primary reason Freckles and I go to breakfast most mornings!), but with my bad-milk-luck this a.m., I didn't try to find another unspoiled milk.


Okay, I do admit that I am a bit compulsive about the freshness of my milk. There are many people who will drink milk well past the date on a carton back home. Not me, once the date hits, my milk is going down the drain, even if it doesn't smell bad. Now, after the experience of so much bad milk, here, I think I will be even more adamant to "smell" my milk before each use. That will probably be a bit "weird" at a restaurant or a friend's house (ha).


I can honestly say that I do not know why some of the milk is always bad and other milk is wonderfully fresh, here, when they seem to come out of the same batch from the kitchen. Perhaps the "pouches" are not as air tight as they need to be. Maybe the freshness date has long passed. Maybe it has sat outside the refrigerator for just a little too long. I don't know. But, I will always check my milk carefully, as drinking spoiled milk will not be a very good start to my day.

From Dragonfly: The Long and Short of It

It's been a good couple days at work. After not having a co-tutor since I was reassigned to a new teacher and classroom, a new woman started this week in her probationary period. When I was tutoring alone, it was nearly impossible to adequately meet the needs of all the students and to effectively get grading done and tracked timely. Putting the student's needs first often meant taking work back to my unit to grade or going several days with piles of assignments needing grading. But now, for two whole days, there are two of us helping students AND getting the grading done. At the end of each day, the "in" boxes are empty and the trays with graded assignments to go back to students are full. It is such satisfaction to see this change.

Plus, my new co-tutor is really nice, interesting, and intelligent. I'm going to call her Tall, because she is tall, like really, really tall. She is also thin. We make quite the team, with me at a mere 5' tall and overweight, and her tall, skinny body. I joked that we are the "long and short of it." It's true. Tall has wonderful ideas for the class and is really interested in helping the students succeed.

Tall was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had to come to Carswell to undergo treatment. I learned that, when it was discovered, she was at a stage 3. How absolutely frightening to have to face that while incarcerated. The good news, though, is that she is done with all her chemo/radiation and her outlook looks good. I mentioned to Tall that it seems that this place does a good job with people with breast cancer. She told me that she saw all her doctors on med-trips outside of Carswell and that she was seen by a true cancer specialist. If for some reason an appointment was missed, the doctor would be on the phone to Carswell telling them that they need to bring Tall right away. I'm so grateful for their medical miracles!

I am looking forward to developing a great teamwork environment with Tall and she seems open to it. She will be here longer than I will, so I'm trying to give her all the ins and outs, because when I leave, she may be the only tutor for a while and then it will be her responsibility to train the next one. It's all about "paying it forward." It's a good, rewarding, job. I am so grateful to have this job and I'm glad that Tall is now able to be part of the team!

From Dragonfly: Staff

I don't write much about the staff at Carswell, well, because each one is so unique. But, I will write some general observations. First, the jobs that have high interaction with inmates (such as C.O., clinic reception, counselor, case worker, etc.) has to be a tough job. So, often, you have to deliver news the inmate does not want to hear, and so many inmates do not have good control of their emotions. Yes, the staff puts on a tough exterior, but they are just like the rest of us - going to work to make a living to care for their family. In fact, I truly believe that many of them go into this line of work with the hope that they may influence inmates in a positive manner.

But, if I had a job, where people can become violent, where some people turn to incredible anger before thinking through their actions, where there is overcrowding and little space for oneself, I think I would act "hard" like the rest of them do. If you look "soft" in the job, people will try to overtake your authority. Even though most of us are not bad people, or violent people, the fact that any of us may be, has to be on the tip of their minds at all times. It's a tough job and not one I could do well. I respect them, even if I don't respect all their actions.

The truth is, no one here works for themselves. They are part of a huge bureaucracy of the Department of Prisons, and they are given stringent rules to follow. At the same time, one on one, almost any staff member shows a softer side to themselves. In fact, recently, a doctor resigned because he could no longer handle the limitations of what he could medically do here. Is the goal in medicine to keep people alive, or to help them get well? He wanted to help people, but was limited by the restraints on his job. A new doctor, a woman, who seems very nice, has picked up his caseload (she will be my new doctor). I hope she cares as much about her patients and sees us as patients, not just inmates.

I've seen C.O.'s cry when they are being appreciated. I have seen their happiness when they are commended for a job well done by their superiors. The best C.O.'s and staff seem to be the ones that follow the rules and, also, do not play favorites among the inmates. C.O.'s and staff who do appear to have favorites, tend to be the ones that are "gossiped" about the most. They are the ones where people "make up" stories of them having affairs with inmates and/or violating some rule. I'm not saying that a staff member never crosses the line, but from my experience, I see people who are more concerned about doing a job well and getting home to their families, than wanting anything "special" from an inmate. A staff member who does cross the line with an inmate, risks imprisonment themselves. I just know that, at least most, would never consider crossing that line. (A small minority of inmates, on the other hand, may be open to the advances of staff, but that's a one-way relationship). Consider my earlier writings about the fact that many people here could really use some help on "healthy relationships" and "boundaries."

Whenever a staff member is on vacation, or gone for whatever reason, for a week or longer, the rumors usually start. I'll hear: "they are under investigation," "they were having an affair," "they quit," etc. When, in fact, they had been in Hawaii for two weeks with their family enjoying the sun, or helping a sibling move, or dealing with the death of a loved one. Just because we are not given the reasons for staff being absent, does not mean that they are absent for a bad reason. But, inmate.com is a vicious gossip reality, leading one person's made up story, the talk of all the women here. Suddenly, so many people are saying the same thing, even saying they heard it from a staff member (did they really?!?!?), that we all start to believe the gossip. What I've learned to do is to believe nothing fully, until it is told directly to me by a staff member. Seems to be good policy.

It may seem I am defending the people who work here. I am not going to claim that everyone does the right thing all the time. I'm just saying, it is a tough place to work. Some inmates say that they don't care if they are tough on the staff, as the staff "go home at the end of the day," whereas the inmates do not. However, it is not the staff's fault that we are each incarcerated. They were not at our trials. They did not choose for us to be here. I'm sure they'd prefer the place to be much less populated. It is their job. For better or worse, it is what allows them to feed and clothe their children. It gives them necessary health insurance and other benefits. It allows them to take vacations and retire at a decent age. Yes, they do go home at the end of each day, although for many shifts, that home is at midnight or 8am (I could never work a midnight shift!). I imagine it takes them their entire drive home to clear their head of everything they experienced during their shift - from slurs, to breaking up fights - to laughter - to crying inmates - to non-stop questions - to having to give bad news...

Finally, I must admit, some of the staff are just plain "A**Holes." It's true. There are staff who like to hear themselves talk, a lot, but refuse to listen. There are staff who treat us all like the dirt on the bottom of sewers. There are those who love to scream into the loud speaker and treat us all as if we are in kindergarten. There are staff that just have no respect at all for themselves or their colleagues. Sure, there is some scum here, but that is not what I think makes up the majority of staff. The rules they must "obey" may seem even ridiculous to them. In fact, I've heard two staff members say that they "HATE SNITCHES." They do not want to know that someone is doing something wrong. They want us to be able to work things out like adults. Snitches are usually the ones doing the worst stuff on campus. Or, at least that's what they think.

What I think, is that there is good staff and not so good staff. There are staff members that should retire, and others that should be commended for a job well done. There are people who will treat inmates with respect, and those who won't. The bad ones give the rest a bad rap, but as long as the inmates are doing what they should be doing, most of the staff will leave them alone. Live and let live. One day, hopefully, we will all be going home to our families.

From Dragonfly: News

I mentioned a bit ago how exciting it is to see the news once in a while. Well, my very good friends went in together and started to send me "USA Today." The newspaper arrived for the first time yesterday. I will receive it M-F and, while some may be backed up a day, at least yesterday's arrived on it's print date! I went through every page of the paper last night. I even forced South and Lola to work the crossword puzzle with me. What a great gift!!!!

I read in the paper last night that flu season is just getting going. I haven't heard of any more quarantines yesterday or today, but I did get some news. I heard (yes, though inmate.com) that they are moving all the inmates chronically ill (I fall into that category) from 1South to 1North. They want to make 1South into a "programming" unit - with women in residential programs living together in that unit. Right now, 1North is the programming unit. The two units are very, very similar, so I don't know why they are trading them. Interestingly, this change will uproot almost 1/3 of the women here. We will get new rooms, new roommates, have to pack up all our stuff (or trade out lockers), deal with new mattress delegation, and possibly end up on an upper level floor (even if we are on a lower level right now). I can already imagine the issues. I will just go with the flow and pray, if this is happening, that I get some good roommates. Not sure how many prayers it would take to end up in a room with one or more of my friends. That would be something good.

I mentioned to my co-workers that we should actually start a Carswell Newsletter. It should be weekly and inmates can submit poems or short stories. It will have updates from all the relevant departments, the weekly menu, a puzzle page, and important news. My co-workers like the idea... now to just find a supervisor who is willing to go to bat for us to get it going. That would be cool, if we can get it going. The Carswell Weekly. I like it!

From Dragonfly: Friends Contained

Well, the flu outbreak is alive and well... I have several friends in isolation now. For each one that is found to have the flu, three more are put in isolation to stop the spread... they automatically isolate the roommates for several days. Yesterday, Nurse's room was put in isolation. She seems to have the worst of luck here. If it is going to happen, it seems to happen to her. I don't know why. I hear that isolation isn't that bad. They have TV's and videos. They have showers and everything one would need. I hope my friends there are well. My bronchitis is still active, but no flu (thank God!).

My friends are all in different places in their imprisonment now. South is nearing her adventure home. She has less than a month to go. Appeal is in the midst of her appeal... seven months of waiting and counting. Freckles is getting by well in RDAP and is now looking at an October, 2014 release date, rather than late 2015. That is a huge benefit of RDAP. Mama is doing her best to get her care level reduced to 2, so she can transfer to a camp closer to home. Danbury has been gone for over a month and none of us have heard anything. I hope she is in peace with wherever she finds herself. Two of my old roommates from the bus stop are going to their halfway houses this Friday. One is getting out after 10 years. She has a world of new things waiting for her. The other was here for just short of a year. Lola has several years to go, and she seems to be at acceptance that she will spend her time here. She has rheumatoid arthritis and it is unlikely (like me) she would ever be able to reduce her care level from 3 to 2. The Little One, who was my original bunkee in the bus stop and even threatened me, is now in my GED class. She is very respectful in class and working hard. She is excited to be back in GED class and really wants to succeed. Nurse is in isolation, like I mentioned, and will have tons of stories, I am sure, once she is released in a couple of days (as long as she shows no sign of the flu). Star is having her baby boy next week out at a hospital. She will be handcuffed to the bed as she recuperates from her C-Section. She will only have 5 weeks left of imprisonment after her baby boy is born. She will spend it in a comfortable hospital bed upstairs in the medical unit (after a couple days in the hospital). Her family will pick up her baby after 3 days and take it home. She will be going to her parents home, and her three children, once released. She is here on a parole violation, so she will not have to be under any supervision when she is finally home. Everyone has a story.

For me, I am trying to get my halfway house papers filled out. A case worker, which I don't know, is helping in that regard. Unfortunately, she came to a snag that I have a "medical hold." If my medical hold is not lifted, I will be ineligible for halfway house or home confinement and will have to stay through the end of my sentence in July. If the hold does get lifted, I could be heading out of here to a halfway house anytime between March and May. To think that I know I am leaving within 6 months no matter what is motivation. Somehow, the switching of the year, to 2014, made me realize I could start to see an end date of this experience. Of course, not knowing what that end date is can be frustrating, but not when I think about those who have years, where I have months or days. So many people I know here, will be here for the next decade of their life or longer. Some are just in their early 20's, other's in their 60's, neither makes it easy to deal with. Should women lose their entire young adult lives? Should women die in prison? I know it depends on their crimes, but, for the most part, these are not violent criminals. Mandatory minimums gave them so much time, but not necessarily their intentions to commit future crimes. I wish there were another option - a place to help women build their self-esteem, receive appropriate medical care and recovery assistance, develop ideas around healthy relationships, and gain an education and/or job skills. I wish I could believe that the women leaving prison will not find themselves right back here - a revolving door, they call it. I believe that most of my friends will never commit another crime, but there is like an 85% recidivism rate... education and programming substantially reduces that.

A lot to think about. I'm sure those who are currently "contained" are finding they are thinking about a lot of things as well. Cough, cough... okay, my bronchitis is acting up. Later!

From Dragonfly: Scrabble

Being sick in prison is NOT fun. Now, I am not the sickest I've ever been, and it does not appear that I've caught the flu (thank God), but that bronchitis is definitely there. Survivor goes through something similar most years and will know what I am talking about. But, this is the first time I'm sick like this since becoming immuno-compromised, and it seems to be moving fast in my system.

Yesterday, I decided to take it pretty easy. I did breakfast with Lola, then I went to sleep for several more hours. I decided against lunch at the chow hall, and just fed myself some of my own food when hungry. I slept some more. After lunch, I met up with Lola, Freckles, and Appeal at indoor rec, and we played scrabble. It was the first time I've played a game at indoor rec, and with this company, I had a great time. Freckles is awesome competition and I can tell that Lola and Appeal are quickly gaining speed. I have a feeling we'll be playing more often now. I love scrabble! Back home, it's my favorite game on my electronic devices to play against friends and, also, to play in person. In fact, I own a newer version, that allows for quadruple word scores... now that is fun!!!!

I went back to sleep after scrabble, stayed back for dinner (choosing wraps in the unit instead), crocheted a bit, and was in bed by 8pm. The worse thing about not feeling well, is that there is never quiet, never darkness, and your roommates can wake you up continually. I tried sleeping with my head higher last night, a trick I was told when I was young with this, but since I only have one pillow, I had to gather anything else I could to raise the pillow - sweats, blanket, towels, etc. Not sure it helped, but I'm willing to try anything. I want to kick this fast.

Today will be even more low key than yesterday. I had breakfast in the chow hall (where I bring my own cereal) and I'm probably not going back out of my unit (after I complete this message) until tomorrow. My health is my priority and I need to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I am running low on crossword books, as that is what I tend to do when I am laying around so much. Once again, if a loved one is in prison, crossword and puzzle books are a wonderful thing to send them (as long as they like using that part of their brain).

I think I forgot to mention, the other day, that I heard that I will not, yet, be able to have my halfway house papers filled out and sent. I was "informed" that I am on medical hold and that nothing can happen for me until that is lifted. I "think" the medical hold is due to the fact that I still have to see a rheumatologist (which is now scheduled to occur sometime, but I don't know when). Once I see the doctor, I should have the hold lifted and my chances of getting out of here and going to halfway house will increase. This is all, "I hope," but as I always say, this is my "journey of hope" and I will always try to keep "hope" at the forefront. For today, I can't worry about the future, I will only concern myself with the affairs of the day. These include trying to get myself well. So, I am heading back to my unit, my bed, and my crosswords. Perhaps a game of scrabble is also in my future...