I have decided to write from my Carswell experiences again. I am writing about being a lesbian in prison and my observations around gender and sexuality. I feel many researchers miss the mark about the complexities of same-sex relationships in women's prisons. Of course, I am just one person and I was in just one prison. Therefore, it is impossible to have generalizations based on my experiences. At the same time, my experience is important and can add to our general understanding of these issues. I will present on this in November at a national conference. I fear that I may come across as too judgmental about what transpires in these complex prison relationships. I am not judgmental at all of how and why women engage in these relationships, it is more the unsafe, unhealthy, and inconsiderate behaviors that I have personal opinions about. I hope to somehow get across in this research that the culture of same-sex intimate relationships in women's prisons is a very important experience for many female prisoners.
It's been interesting reading and reviewing my blog posts on these issues. I read them and feel like I'm right back there in prison. It's been three years, yet the memories are still very vibrant. I am so grateful to have this blog to refer back to, though, people are still reading it. It is still relevant.
I can honestly say that had I had a much longer sentence, I could see myself at some point even defying my early assertions that I would never be in a prison relationship. I do not think I would have allowed it to become intimate, but the culture of same-sex relationships is very strong and everyone wants to be loved. At the time, I was single. I can't imagine I would have chosen to act in any way that could have gotten me in trouble, more time, or put in the SHU, but would I have developed feelings for someone - quite possibly. I am queer and I was surrounded by amazing women.
Had I had such an experience, how would it have been similar or different than those women who are not LGBT in the outside world? I do not know. I do not have the data to know how or why it may be similar or different. I do know that my observations at the time were very much of women taking risks and I am not a risk taker. I abide by the rules, for the most part, and do not have a need for "action." Sneaking around, having sex in public places, asking people to be "look outs," these are behaviors far outside my comfort zone. No matter how long I was in prison, I do not think I would have done any of that.
So, perhaps I would have had an affectionate relationship with someone. I cannot imagine that I would have had an intimate sexual relationship.
So, it will be interesting to write this paper. It's initially for a class and will also be presented at that conference I mentioned. I'm hoping it adds to our general understanding of women's prisons and the relationships that form within them. Just wanted to share with anyone who chooses to read.
