Last Day of Home Confinement

Of all my time in custody of the BOP, this last month went the fastest. I am suddenly on the cusp of my out date and the almost freedom that provides. I am so grateful that I've been allowed to spend this past month at home, surrounded by my loved ones. Even though my movements were limited, it was really a great month!

I was told yesterday that there is very little anyone can do for Hope. They no longer make the scooters, so parts are scarce. State Farm told me that they may need to "total" her. I guess I may be starting my almost freedom by purchasing a replacement scooter. I guess it's a time of new beginnings.

I also start work, well volunteering at my old job, this week on Thursday. I will be working about 20 hours per week doing both my old job and helping cover the work of a long term employee who recently had a stroke. They need me right now and I'm so happy to be able to be there, helping high school youth find their way to college. The youth specifically asked for me to do some diversity and acceptance exercises with them when they spend a week staying on campus. I did some of the exercises last year and they asked for me again. I have purpose!! When I used to run the summer camp I helped found, I did many of the same exercises with the teenage youth, and they always asked for it again the next year. I discovered that youth want a safe space to explore issues in an interactive, experiential way.

This leads me to where I am presently on my journey back into school. I have no definite inroad yet.  Today, I have a rescheduled meeting with a professor of a non-education based program. I'm always a little anxious telling my whole story, but I still tell all, as at this time I have to. I'm going to just spend some time with the serenity prayer before walking into the building.

While I haven't been as productive as I could have been these past several weeks, I feel as if I'm starting my almost freedom with some good possibilities in life. I also know that I need to keep my mind open to all possibilities that may be sent my way. There is good ahead for me, I just need to allow the journey to unfold.

I'm doing nothing particularly special to mark my last day of home confinement, but I am going out for a good dinner tomorrow night to celebrate my first day of almost freedom. That dinner will follow a 3-hour morning drive to go to/from my not a real HWH/RRC to pick up my end of custody paperwork (they couldn't give me it yesterday when I was there, only tomorrow), and my afternoon meeting with my probation officer (PO for now on). I've spoken to him once, but will meet him for the first time tomorrow. So my first day of almost freedom, won't feel so free at all. 

I'll think through some home confinement tips to share with you all and post them soon. I sincerely believe that we should be leaning on home confinement for non-violent offenders as a real answer to the prison overcrowdedness issue. Even if I had to wear a monitor, which I didn't, it would have been a much better option.

So, my last day of BOP custody. It had better be my last day EVER!! I know a lot of people violate probation/supervision, but I will walk a safe and narrow path. I have but one goal, full (not almost) freedom for the rest of my life.

Recovering Hope

When I was deciding which university to attend for my doctoral program, I was very specific about the location. I did not want an urban campus. I did not want to have to live too far away from campus. I wanted to ensure that I could use a fun and cute motor scooter as my transportation to/from campus on warmer days. Before I selected my campus, I'd selected my preferred transportation.

The school I selected was definitely the right fit in many ways. It, also, was the perfect school to ride around on a motor scooter. Within a month of moving to the area about 6 miles from campus, I went in search of my future scooter. I was thinking Vespa. They are just so darn cute!!

Instead, next to the Vespas in the showroom were two smaller, less expensive, scooters bearing the name Schwinn. One was tan and white, the other pink and white. The pink one was called a "hope 50." I fell in love. Not only was she the cutest scooter in the shop, but a percentage of her sale would be donated to breast cancer research. She was also a bit closer to the ground - and at 5' tall, I liked the fact that my toes on both of my feet could touch the ground at the same time. We were meant to be together. 

After spending a couple days looking up reviews to ensure I wasn't investing in a lemon, I proudly purchased my scooter. I rode around town with my 50cc bike, knowing I was allowed to park at bike racks, and getting over 100 miles to the gallon. Over winter, I would store her. I treated her well, and she treated me well - always making it to the gas pump just before officially running out.

It was the day I brought the scooter home, that I realized I would name her Hope. I don't usually name my vehicles, or give them a personality, but there was something special about this scooter. I was embarking on a new life and that is when I not only named my scooter Hope, but the word hope became my mantra.

Two years ago, in Vietnam, I purchased the perfect pink helmet with white stars on the sides. Scooters are the primary transportation to the families in Vietnam, and they sold really cool accessories. I would not leave the country without a helmet - which cost me the equivalent of about $8 U.S.

While I was in Texas, Joy stored Hope for me in her garage. I knew I'd be coming home to my cute bike and once off home confinement, I'd be able to don my helmet and take her for a nice ride. Just two days ago, I told someone that the first thing I would do Wednesday, is take Hope for a spin. Sporty picked her up from Joy a couple weeks ago, and she is parked on the sidewalk just outside our door.

So, you can imagine my reaction at 12:00pm today, when Sporty announced, "Hope is gone!" I thought she was playing with me. I went to the door, and she really was gone. She'd been stolen. She was locked to the side, so she was either lifted by very strong people or they jacked the ignition and broke the handlebar lock. Didn't matter though. Someone had my bike.

Immediately, I called the police and my insurance company. I had made sure I had comprehensive coverage for Hope, so she was covered in case of loss. The cop was very nice who came to take the report. I said that since I was having "police interaction," I needed to inform him that I was on home confinement. He didn't even blink and said, "no worries."

The officer told me that scooters are constantly stolen and they usually turn up - minus some parts. A bike like mine, though, he was sure would turn up, because it was one of a kind in this area. Plus, if they were wearing the pink Vietnamese helmet, that would be a definite sign. After dealing with the officer and my insurance company, I just sat and felt defeated. 

It was an hour later when I got the call that Hope had been recovered. Actually, she was recovered prior to my police report. Here's the details:

Hope Update: a male was seen by police riding a pink and white motor scooter at 3am. He dropped the bike and ran. The police thought it odd to see a tall male riding a short pink scooter. The scooter, proudly named "Hope" was brought to an impound lot. Hope's ignition and front cover are busted. Her Vietnamese helmet was still intact in the seat. She could not be started. A small scooter shop picked her up and she will be in the scooter hospital, awaiting State Farm examiners to appraise her condition. The owner looks forward to once again riding the streets of her town with Hope in the near future.

I guess there's irony here, I mean here I am a felon and I'm feeling the victim of a crime- a petty theft in reality. Life is not all black and white- there's so much grey in the middle. The guy riding my bike was not caught - he'd dropped my scooter to the road and ran from the scene. I won't know why he stole it. Is he part of a group that sells parts? Was he doing a prank? Did he need to money he'd earn to feed his kids? Was he just a kid? Did he have help? Where was he taking her? 

I'll never have all the answers. I'm just glad to know that hope has been recovered. I'm not sure if the insurance company will deem her too expensive to fix, and instead total her. I know electrically she can be fixed, but the damage to her body is extensive - especially the front hood, by the gas cap, and the side of the bike that went down in the road.

I guess it doesn't matter. I don't need this specific scooter to give me the hope I have. She brought the word into my life, and now it's my duty to keep restoring hope. Even feeling the violation of my favorite object being stolen and perhaps gone from my life forever, could not take away my hope. If I've learned anything over the last six years, it's that people matter so much more than objects. They can be replaced.

Background Check

It was the first time I had to answer that question in the positive, "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" It was on the form I had to fill out to start volunteering at my old job on campus. The plan is for me to volunteer through summer and once I am accepted back in for this fall (if I put it out to the universe will it make it true?) they want to rehire me as their graduate research assistant again. This is how we doctoral students pay for school and get paid - it covers all my tuition, health insurance, and gives me a living stipend. Even though my old job knows all about my conviction and prison time, they really want me back :-)

So, we decided to start with my volunteering part-time as I work to get myself back into school.

So, first, the Assoc. Provost who funds the program had to approve my volunteering/working there. I mentioned before that he has close ties to my old department and former advisor, however he's an independent thinker and knows of my work from several projects I've been involved with on campus. He told my former boss that he trusts her decision on whether I can work there. The next step, though, was passing the human resources background check.

All hires have to have a background check. Also, since this organization specifically works with youth (we help them get successfully through high school and into college), volunteers have to have their background checked too. When I got to the question about having a felony, I put the piece of paper down for a moment. After the question it says, "having a felony does not automatically preclude you from being considered for a position..." Yet, I was still nervous. I would have to mark, "yes," and then write a couple sentences explaining the charges, etc.

I turned the form in on Monday, and since I hadn't heard anything yet, I tried my best to just keep an open mind. No news really can be good news sometimes. Well, this afternoon I received a call from the organization and I was approved. I passed the background check, even with a felony that's not very old. I mean, according to the BOP, I'm still in custody.

So, I'll start volunteering the 3rd, the day after I'm officially off home confinement. One staff member recently had a stroke, so I'll be helping with her job, as well as my old job. I won't be getting paid, yet, but I can't think of a better use of my time and energy. The youth are all on campus over the summer taking classes as part of the program, so I'll be able to be around all that youthful energy. 

In the meantime, it was time for me to consider how else I may make a living, whether I get back in school or not. I decided to submit a couple applications for part-time jobs at the local community college. Once again, that question came up in each application. I know what I have to say, so I answered, "yes," and explained the circumstances. I don't know if it will affect their consideration of me or not. I can't worry about that. I just have to keep knocking on doors.

Since the first door I knocked on was open, I can tell you that we are capable of finding work with that big F on our foreheads. We must be honest, humble, and grateful. We must take responsibility for our pasts. 

Now, I hope this advice will help me through a meeting I have with another department on campus I may apply to as a student... More than one door may be open!

Cleaning House

I still need to organize my room. I still have boxes of I don't know what packed in storage. I still have the stuff I shipped home from Carswell in the box. Three weeks home and I've done almost nothing on making my space feel like home. Maybe I'm stuck in a rut.

Best way to get out of a rut?? Make a goal, a reasonable one, and stick with it. For me, that means putting each step into my calendar for the day I am to do it. By the end of July 4th weekend, I will have my room set up how I want it, my things put in their respective places, and all necessary things unpacked (some boxes are just going to stay in storage for a while... three people living in a not-so-big townhouse). This gives me a week to accomplish these tasks. Maybe all I need is to know I'm off home confinement to really get moving.

Today, we have a house cleaner doing some deep cleaning. That will be good motivation for me to get my stuff organized. In fact, I already started, as I needed to clean up for the cleaning lady (isn't that an oxymoron?). I believe a house cleaner should spend their time doing deep cleaning, not moving piles of stuff around to be able to dust.

So, I look forward to accomplishing my home goals. I have a lot to look forward to when I'm off home confinement, I certainly don't want to come home to an unorganized mess. Maybe I should stop this blog post and unpack that box over there...

Never Forget

A lot of people make an active choice to try to forget their time in prison. They are so emotionally wounded from the experience that they prefer to not talk about it, stay away from media that would remind them of it, and put their experience as far away from their thoughts as they can. I get it. Why relive a nightmare over and over again? We need to live in the present, not the past. I really do understand.

I make a different choice, however. I choose to never forget. It would be so easy to enjoy the comforts of home, ignoring that so many are still there struggling... Ignoring the fact that we have a broken justice system (not that it ever worked "right"). I can't do that, though. I believe that I'm meant to have every experience I have, in order to use that knowledge for good, for change, for helping others. I went to prison to pay for my wrongdoings, but I also went to be a voice for prison reform. I witnessed far too many things that were horribly wrong, for me to sit back and do nothing.

Things have gotten even worse at Carswell since I've been home. The prison is so overcrowded, that they turned a unit TV room into another bus stop, housing a dozen more people. People are packed in like sardines, and the failure to provide a safe environment becomes impossible. My unit that once had about 250 people, now houses 310. Sixty more people, yet the resources are not expanded to accommodate them. 

Friends are still there who are past their community program dates. Even Freckles, who is two weeks from her promised HWH date, has no confirmation or travel arrangements. Others are still being forced to max out, like My Bunkie who should have been processed for community programs back in December. She doesn't even have any medical issues!

Fights and drug smuggling/dealing have increased in number, and people are being released from the SHU early, because there are not enough beds to house everyone. Laundry doesn't have enough uniforms or pillows to accommodate newbies, so they don't get their few items guaranteed by the prison. People are serving sentences for non-violent crimes that are more than double those with violent pasts. Inmates continue to be treated like cattle, rather than people.

Worse of all, people are dying. MRSA is allowed to spread throughout the body before being properly treated. People sit on blue benches for hours, begging to be seen at the clinic, only to be told they'll be put on call-out which never happens. People wait in 3 hour lines, missing their meals, in order to get the medication they need. Treatment for cancers and other serious illnesses are held up for months, while the illness spreads and gets worse, sometimes to the point of no longer being treatable. Necessary medications are withheld, because the prison doesn't want to bare the cost. While I was at Carswell for just over nine months, I witnessed the death of nearly a dozen inmates, half of which for things that I believe were improperly treated, or not treated at all. One unnecessary death is one to many!!

So, no, I will not just close my eyes to the injustice of treatment in our prison system. The vast majority of people are locked up for non-violent crimes (at least in the women's prisons). They are not all bad people, they made mistakes and perhaps some deserve to go to prison, but they are still people and equally deserve humanity. I knew our justice system was broken before I witnessed it first hand. Now, I must be a part of the solution.

I do not know what my future holds and in what ways my voice will be heard. I do know, though, that I have a voice and I must use it. I did my time, and got through it alright (albeit with a little PTSD).  However, I will only be able to truly be comfortable with my freedom, if I am doing what I can to help those still on the inside. I will not forget!

Writing My Personal Statement

I was never a procrastinator. I always tried to be on top of all my work, giving me buffer time just in case. Since being on home confinement, though, I find myself staring at things to be done and feeling overwhelmed at the task. It's getting better, though, as I accomplished many things this past weekend.

One item on my "to-do" list has been my Personal Statement for readmission to my school - albeit a different education department. I met with a professor last week and she asked me to send my statement to her, but I kept stumbling over what to say, how much information on my past and imprisonment needed to be included, and emphasizing why this new department is such a good fit for me, when I was excelling in my old department. No doctoral program wants a student that does not really want their program. I was already working with them, I just need to be able to explain so much in a concise and well written statement.

Normally, addiction recovery and incarceration are not items I would encourage anyone to emphasize in their applications to graduate schools. However, given as my admission was revoked, I need to explain my situation and provide enough details that the faculty can understand. It is fairly unique.

I wanted to send off my information to the department by last Friday, but I just couldn't quite get my head around how to write the letter. This is not an uncommon experience, as I often ponder on what I will write before tackling a new writing project. This allows my thoughts to be more honed and the writing process to go easier.

It is also not uncommon for me to find myself awake in the middle of the night, having much of what I want to write written in my head. Such was true last night, where at 3am, I started typing my personal statement on my phone (yes, paper and a pen would have been a better option, but that would have entailed turning on a light, finding paper and a writing utensil, and disturbing Superdog who was asleep on my floor). 

So, I finger typed and finger typed a full statement. I did not make the mistake of immediately sending it off. It desperately needs editing and rearranging. However, it is all there on paper (well, the smartphone screen). The details of my past and incarceration, and yet it focuses on hope and goals and my love of education. I do not know what will happen as I continue my quest to be readmitted to the university and the college of education, but I do know that it's far better to face this all head on, regardless of the outcome.

Once the letter was completed, I sent it off for comments from Survivor and Sporty and I attempted sleep. Ring, ring... 5am and the RRC was checking to make sure I was home. They have the weirdest timing! Where would I be at 5am? Well, I suppose I was out at 5am plenty during my gambling binges...

Anyway, I was able to sneak in about two hours of sleep last night, before having to wake and drive the 3 hour morning trip to/from my RRC. It literally took 4 minutes today to have my breath analyzed (still no alcohol) and fill out the form. No meeting with my CW today. Such a waste of gas.

Tonight, I will finish editing my personal statement and email it off to the professor with a copy of my CV (curriculum vitae). I'll apologize that it took me a couple days to complete her request, and thank her for meeting with me and considering my request for admission. Then, I'll go and get a good night's sleep, as I know she's sending off the materials to other faculty in her department. I need to give them the procrastination time they need to consider my application. I can only hope one of them finds themselves awake in the middle of the night, thinking about how I would make a valuable addition to their  academic department.

Tweeting

I've been in love with technology since I was a kid. My father built our first computer and I would teach everyone how to use it. Things were so simple back then... Excitement was watching a curser (called a turtle) draw lines and make cool objects on a program called "Logo." I'm aging myself here!

I've done my best to stay up to date on technology and software. However, the social media craze came on super fast and I missed the MySpace bandwagon. I joined Facebook later than many of my peers (although I've more than made up for it in updates and photos).  I now have Instagram, YouTube, LinkedIn and blogger as well. However, I never quite understood the Twitter craze and why tweeting was such a wonderful way to connect.

I was wrong. I started a @DFHazel twitter account yesterday, and in just one day, I've connected with numerous people from both the recovery and prison reform worlds. This blog has been visited by new people, and I've found great blogs by others. I'm already making possible friendly and/or professional connections. I get it now...

I've said from the beginning that my story is neither special nor unique. It's great to connect with others whose stories are similar and different from my own. Social media offers us a way to make new networks for collaboration, sharing, connecting, and fun.

I'm planning on making twitter a new daily connection for myself to the world. Feel free to follow me at @DFHazel - I may choose to follow you back as well. There's so much to learn about people.

My next feat will be to build a DFHazel website. It'll be a place to share resources I developed while away, relevant news, and other valuable information... Stay tuned for that to happen in the near future!

A NutriBullet

Sporty and T.S. brought home a NutriBullet today. If you are not familiar with this gizmo, it is a pulverizing blender used to make juices and liquid meals. Throw in spinach, kale, cucumbers, berries, peanut butter, yogurt, protein powder, ice, carrots, corn, milk, water, pineapple, coconut milk, well, not all these things at one time, but choose like 4-6 items, pulverize, and drink. I tried one with berries, pineapple, milk, and ice. It was good, but lacked sweetness somehow. Back to the drawing board.

I'm sure we will use this new toy over time. A smoothy in place of a meal can be a healthy choice. I know one woman who juiced for nearly 4 months and lost a ton of weight. She used kale as a base and every juice was green. Guess you can get used to anything!

It's really amazing the technology we have these days, and how little of it is offered in our prisons. There are so many women at Carswell who could barely chew food, how great it would be to offer them a quick nutritious meal in a cup! Big problem is that the ingredients are nearly impossible to get in the Feds - no berries, no kale or spinach, no cucumbers, no fresh carrots, no pineapple, no yogurt, etc. The only possible smoothies would include apples, oranges, and milk (and bananas on Wednesdays and Fridays). It's a miracle we can maintain any health in prison, with so few nutrients being served.

My friends and I started to notice that we were bruising super easy over the last several months. The lack of nutrients were also showing on our nails and in our eyes. I'd get a bruise and wouldn't heal from it for weeks.

Just two weeks home and my nails are healthy and I don't have a single bruise on my body. Eating normal has already improved my nutrition big time. It's just crazy to think how unhealthy people get from having to spend years on the prison diet!

I wish I could send my friends a nutribullet and the ingredients they need to have a healthier diet. Granted, everything would probably be sold for 10x cost on the underground market, but it would be so nice to see people healthier while incarcerated. Even without the bullet, it would be nice to see more nutritious food offered, period!

Tomorrow, I'm going to make a chocolate, banana and peanut butter smoothy. Something tells me that it won't be my most nutritious option. But, it should taste damn good!!!

A New Meeting

Sporty and I started a new gamblers anonymous meeting tonight. Four people attended, which is good because it is not advertised yet. I chaired the meeting and it felt great! We were able to celebrate Sporty's 6 year anniversary, which was wonderful as well.

The two others at the meeting have been in GA for years, but struggle to stay clean. They are both back just a few months since their last relapses. It's so hard to see people struggle so much with this debilitating addiction. There's no magic cure, we can just pray that at some point they will be able to surrender fully to recovery. Only recovery can really help when the urges to gamble are so strong. Recovery is so much more than attending meetings - it's working the steps, checking in with a sponsor, getting involved, finding ways to fill the void, connecting with fellowship, believing in a higher power, and most of all ACCEPTANCE that we really do have an addiction.

I was very lucky when I came to GA. The meetings I attended were filled with people who worked the full program and achieved many years of clean time. I even know a couple with more than 45 years in the program. With so many people relapsing, it's inspiring to meet people who have not only stayed clean, but who continue to attend meetings and share their wisdom after 5, 10, or more years.

It's really weird to think that I may be one of those people now. Where I live now, there's only a handful of people with more than 5 years clean. Even fewer that have done the steps and really done the hard recovery work. I suppose it's a gift that Sporty and I have something to offer this community - the wisdom gained from our meetings where we used to live. Paying it forward.

I imagine it'll take a couple months for the new meeting to be strongly attended. That's okay, we've helped start two meetings in the past. We won't get discouraged. What matters is that we are giving people another night of the week to attend a GA meeting if they need it. Even if it's just the two of us some weeks, it'll be okay. We only need two people to make it a meeting. And, as is said in any recovery program, meetings make it!!

Things I Enjoy Being Home

-Sleeping without a bra on

-Taking a shower barefoot

-Spending real time with family

-Choosing my own time for "lights out"

-Using the Internet

-Healthy food choices

-Driving a car

-Sleeping in my bed, not on top of an already made bed

-Wearing all color clothing

-Texting my friends

-Hugs

-No lines for email

-A dish washer

-So many pens to choose from

-Playing fetch with Superdog

-Cooking with a stove 

-Relaxing on a couch

-Opening my windows for fresh air

-Watching TV with sound

-Attending GA meetings

-Friends stopping by

-Being in control of the thermostat

-Playing with my iPhone

-Doing laundry whenever I want

-Decorating my room

-Not hitting my head constantly on the bunk above me

-Sleeping without someone snoring next to me

-Not eating on my bed

-Refrigerating my mayo, cheese, and cream cheese

-Enough closet space

-So many shoes to choose from

-I never run out of things to do

-A stuffed animal is not contraband

-Non-feather pillows

-Microwave popcorn

-No full body searches

-Wearing shorts to lunch on a weekday

-No granny underwear

-I can keep my calendar electronically and make my own appointments

-I can listen to any song I want at any time I want

-It gets dark

-I don't need ear plugs to sleep

-I get to make many choices throughout the day!!!

First Conversation with my P.O.

I am not yet under the supervision of my probation officer, since the RRC is in charge of my supervision. I've never met him either, since I had no supervision prior to my self-surrender, so I decided to give him a call yesterday. I'm curious about what supervision will be like and how much freedom I'll actually have. Obviously, not freedom to do anything bad, but will I still have a curfew? Can I plan to do a special weekend away with my close friends? Etc.

My P.O. seemed like a nice guy when I talked to him on the phone. He knew exactly who I was with just my name - he's talked with Sporty a couple times since I'm living with her. He didn't want to answer any questions until my official out date - July 2nd. He was like, "wow, that's right around the corner, isn't it?" So, we made a time for me to meet him at his office that afternoon and he said he will give me all the details then. It's crazy that people only tell you what to expect when the day arrives... No ability to prepare oneself. Just another unknown in the future.

I tried to see if my 2x weekly check in could get transferred to him for the remaining time of my home confinement... His office is 15 minutes away, the RRC is 1 1/2 hours away. It isn't possible. So, after this morning, I have 3 more times of that ridiculous drive.

I did get him to answer one question in the positive, though. He says I'll be limited to the western side of my state for the first 60 days or so of my supervision, which will allow me to do my special annual weekend retreat with my close GA friends. Eleven of us will be doing the retreat this year and since I had to miss last year's, I'm super pumped for it. I started this retreat, but it has really become part of all of our lives. I do a lot of the organizing, still, and I've already planned some weekend activities! I can't wait to sit around a campfire and eat s'mores!!

Also, even though I'm restricted to the western side of my state, my P.O. gave me permission to attend a Queen (with Adam Lambert) concert next month on the eastern side of the state. I've been a Queen and Adam Lambert fan... the two together just sounds like an amazing concert! Glad my P.O. said yes. He sounds like a pretty reasonable guy!

I don't know what my life will be like once supervision starts (being on paper, as we call it in prison), but I know it should be more relaxed than my home confinement. It's just one more step closer to real freedom. I think it really depends on who your P.O. happens to be. As long as mine has a sense of humor, I think it'll be all right.

The Good and the Bad

My meeting with the professor went fairly well. There are steps to take and things I need to do, but she at least didn't say "no." I asked if the department would consider a fall admit. They've never taken on a student outside of the normal deadlines... Which would mean applying in winter and if admitted, starting in fall, 2015. I'm really hoping to be able to get into school for this fall, especially since I already have my graduate assistantship/ funding.

It might have been because two different faculty members from my previous department saw me in the building, or by coincidence, but just after that meeting, I received a fairly nasty reply to my email requesting a meeting sent to my old department chair. She made it pretty clear that I would not be re-welcome back into the department given the circumstances of my departure. Pure judgement without once talking to me. It's a closed door - I knew I would have plenty of those!

Having Survivor in town has been great! I'm incredibly fond of her and enjoy her company. We can talk for hours, or just sit and relax, and we are perfectly happy. I'm so glad she chose to visit!!!

I think I'm enjoying food way too much since I've gotten out. I have a stomach ache right now. I really need to be much more conscious of what I'm eating and how much... Perhaps those seconds at dinner were not necessary- even though they tasted great going down!! Luckily, I have a very active workout planned for the morning.

Nervous

I want to write that I got this and I'm holding my head up high and can take on the world. Reality is that I'm totally nervous. I'm sitting on the first floor of my school of education building waiting to meet with a professor I don't know and tell her my whole story in hopes she will support me joining her department... Even though the department works collaboratively with my old department a lot. It's a good match for my interests, but I can't help but feel like I'm sitting somewhere I'm not wanted.

A professor I took a class with, and even traveled overseas with, walked by a bit ago. He saw me, I saw him, so I said, "hi," and he said, "how are you," and I said, "good, thanks," with a smile on my face. He kept walking and I kept sitting, but my stomach dropped. If the department doesn't know I'm back in town yet, they will now. It's okay, just everything makes me nervous.

I actually don't care what they think of me. In fact, I look so much better than the last time they saw me. Plus I'm more confident in a good way. This place just used to feel like home to me, I pray it will again.

In order to not get stuck in my head, I walked next store and found T.S. having lunch. It was my first time ever bumping into her on campus, as I was gone her whole freshman year. She sat, talked to me and hugged me when I headed back to the school of Ed. She took the parent role for that minute. 

I need to concentrate on all the good in my life and get my head away from the "what ifs."I know, easier said than done. Entirely possible, though. I just have to remember, no one gets to tell me that I don't deserve my education! I'm here to move forward, not stare at my past. This is a perfect time for the serenity prayer.

SERENITY, ACCEPTANCE, COURAGE, WISDOM

A Full House

Last night felt so normal. We did a "make your own pizza" dinner and I had my friends with their daughters (6, 3, and 1), Survivor, Sporty, and T.S. all here. It was wonderful to be surrounded by the little ones. I just love the imagination and freedom of kids.

This week, I get to spend a couple days with Survivor. She drove in yesterday. She told me the story of the day she dropped me off at the Carswell parking lot. She couldn't drive away. She captured photos of the van taking me onto the base- a photo of my hand held up on the window, saying "goodbye." I guess she cried for the both of us. I was too numb.

Perhaps a year has passed since I've seen my friends, but when we are together, it's like there's been no time at all. We laugh, we share, we still have the deep connection. I'm so lucky to have so much love in my life.

Yesterday, I heard from a friend from my 90's law school days. We are still connected via Facebook and were incredibly close in school. She just read my blog and wrote me a multitude of messages showing her support of me. Even though we've only seen each other 2-3x since our graduation, and now live on separate continents, she will always be important to me. Her friendship was instrumental in helping me survive law school. We would take unexpected long drives to somewhere just to relieve studying tension and cook chocolate chip cookies. We traveled over winter break together and found ourselves often at one another's home hanging out. It's amazing that so much time could pass, but the memories and friendship are still strong.

Today is another meeting with a professor on my campus. It's a department I'm considering to continue my education. I don't expect anything to happen today in terms of decisions, but I hope she'll keep an open mind as I share my story. Even if 40 doors are closed to me, I need to keep on knocking.

Life is feeling nearly normal now. I'm comfortable in my home. I'm starting to get on track with working out, making plans, and enjoying what freedom I have. I don't really know what makes a life "normal," but this is a good life.

Two Weeks at Home

After two weeks on home confinement, I really question why this is not a viable option for so many non-violent offenders that are sent to our federal prisons. I am culpable for my actions, I am able to take on real responsibilities and work, I can maintain community ties, and I'm much more likely to be able to meet my restitution requirements. I'd like to say that there was some benefit I received by doing my time in a prison, but the benefits I received were of my own doing. There was no program, staff member, or opportunity offered by the BOP that made it make sense for me to be in prison. Here, I'm still under BOP custody, AND I'm able to be a much more productive member of society.

I admit home confinement isn't the right fit for everyone. You have to be fairly independent. You have to accept limitations to freedom. You have to marry your home phone. You have to be able to support yourself or have someone willing to help you out. You have to follow lots of rules - some that may be illogical. You have to keep your home alcohol and drug free. You have to have healthy outlets for stress at home. You have to be willing to go wherever the BOP wants you to go and whenever they want you to. You have to be able to answer your phone out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. You have to allow strangers to randomly stop by anywhere you are supposed to be to ensure you are there.

I am doing pretty well on home confinement. I really have no complaints. Due to my health, I've had a lot of practice spending long periods of time at home. I'm also lucky to always have the great companionship of Superdog, who still rarely leaves my side. Having a pet at home can make home confinement much more bearable.

I have just over two more weeks until I'm officially at my "out date" and supervision starts. I'm hoping the last year has helped me slow down enough, that I don't try doing everything my freedom gives me at once. Supervision will come with its own set of challenges that I imagine I will face. Even so, this home confinement options seems like a good option for so many people. With the prisons overcrowded with too many non-violent offenders, a home confinement sentence in lieu of prison should be considered a much more viable option and better for community as a whole!

100 Things

Sometimes, I can't help but get caught up in the negative. I think writing yesterday's blog actually led me to thinking about the haters too much. I did the thing I should never do, I googled myself. It's like I was asking to be punished.

Once my head was filled with all the anti-me crap out there, sleep was impossible. I went to Sporty's room at like 3am, woke her up, and said I couldn't sleep - just like a toddler does to their parents. She works my same program, so what she said to me was the advice I would give someone else... Make a list of 100 things I'm grateful for. She meant to write one in the morning, but instead I just started going through my head and naming things - ga, people, house, being home, clothes, walking, cooking, education, places I've traveled to, etc. the list got long, although no one counted it, and I was able to sleep - my head now filled with positive things instead of negative. 

The Internet is a wonderful thing - we can find the answer to nearly any question at lightening speed. When a child asks, "why is the sky blue?" We can give them the scientific reason. I don't know can nearly escape our vocabulary. Instead it's, "well, let's google it..."

It can also be an enemy. The Internet has a much longer memory than people. Yesterday's news can resurface. It doesn't know to let go of the past or not worry about an unknown future. It finds answers based on popularity, not timing. Words, not thinking.

If ever you make the mistake I did, and google yourself, try making your 100 list. Then, remember, words are words and may live forever, but people are able to forget, forgive, and move on.

I'm Not Ashamed

After my three hour drive for a ten minute meeting at the RRC today, I met a professor/friend for lunch. It was a wonderful lunch meeting and very nice catching up. She knows my story and supports me. I told her the story of my admission being revoked. She knew a bit of it, but I told her it all. She's willing to be a reference for me as I work to get back in. I'm grateful.

The conversation did lead me to feel as if I'm defending myself. Could I still get a job as a professor? How will it be if I'm working along with people from my old program? Hard questions for me to answer, but I just smiled and said things like:

"I'm not afraid of haters, they are everywhere, I can work with anyone. Their  judgement is on themselves, not me..."

"I will get back into (my school) and I will walk across that graduation stage one day. To all the nay-sayers out there, I'm doing this for myself, for everyone who has made mistakes in their lives, and because what matters is who I am and what I do today, in recovery, not who I was and what I did in addiction..."

"I'm not concerned about where I will work, that's years away... Will I get a job? Yes. But for now, my concern is about taking it a day at a time and for right now, all I need to concern myself with is getting back in school..."

"I will not be ashamed of who I am, the experiences I've had, or the fact that I went to prison. The experiences made me more passionate to help others, more passionate to continue my education, and more passionate about the value of overcoming hardships. This is not my end, it's yet another beginning..."

People want to hear the horror stories of prison, and there are tons. I hadn't shared with you all, yet, the reality of learning that several staff members at Carswell were reading this blog and let me know. It kept me from sharing certain things, I always had to consider protecting myself. I'm home now, though, so I can share more openly and I will... However, even though I just experienced hell, it doesn't mean I want to dwell on the negative. I'm stronger now and that experience helps me know that I can overcome anything. I'm not happy about the experience, but I can focus on what I learned and the good people, rather than the horribleness and the bad people.

Being home has helped me immensely in getting past some of my walls of protection I built, but I have a feeling that some healthy walls may remain. These walls will allow negativity to bounce away from me, haters to have no impact on me, and shame to be nonexistent. We can only feel ashamed if we allow ourselves to do so. 

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I had an addiction. I committed a crime to feed my addiction and irrationally believed I wasn't doing anything wrong. I apologized openly in court to a packed courtroom. I put myself into recovery and surrendered fully to the program. I have not gambled in over six years. I've learned why I developed an addiction and have taken as many steps as possible to avoid a cross-addiction. I help others dealing with the same. I got myself into a top education PhD program. I worked hard over two years - earning fellowships and scholarships and passing my initial comprehensive exams. I went to prison with my head held up and I survived the experience. So, no, I am not ashamed. To be honest, I'm humbly proud of myself. I owe my success to so many people, and hope to pay forward as much as I am able. I will be an example of someone who can make something of themselves after prison, and by doing so, I know I will help others not give up on their goals/dreams either.

Anyway, lunch went well, although I hate that my time is limited. We would've kept talking. I have a feeling I'll be working with this professor friend of mine sometime again in the near future, and I know she carries no judgement of me. That's the way I hope I am when a future student comes to me with their hope for a second chance. There's no shame in asking for help and reaching out, the only shame is not reaching out and keeping it all inside.

The 6am Call

For the last week, it never fails. Someone from the "bubble" calls me to make sure I'm home. I guess that makes sense, since my technical curfew is 9pm-6am, but since I had no permission to be out yesterday or this morning, they could've let me sleep in until at least 7.

Okay, I know that I woke in the 6am hour, if not earlier, in prison. I'm home now, though, in a nice comfy bed, with my window open and fresh air pouring in, and no where to go. I'd like to sleep in. But no, that phone rings next to my bed and I must answer it.

It's actually difficult to be married to my house phone. I carry it around, put it down, and then find myself upstairs when it's downstairs, or downstairs when it's upstairs. I can't do stairs fast, so I have sent T.S. on the phone chase more than once while it was ringing.

I'd forgotten how many spam calls one gets on a house phone as well. It took me only days home to add the number to the national do not call list. Calls still make it through now and then. No, I am not interested in your product. No, I cannot answer questions about cleaning products. No, I am not interested in a magazine subscription. No, we are not selling this home (it is a rental in a rental community). 

Every time the phone rings, I believe it's the RRC checking up on me. They keep a log of their calls here and my calls there, ensuring I am where I am supposed to be at any given time. This is why you must have a home phone without call forwarding in order to be on home confinement.

Luckily, there are digital options to have a home phone. Comcast gives us ours. Many newer homes don't even offer a plug for analog phones anymore. This place does, as it is a 70's townhouse. My old apartment did not. So, if the power goes out, I pray the RRC doesn't try calling here, as I will only have my cell phone and cell phones are not allowed for check-ins. Good thing I only have 3 more weeks - six more drives to the RRC - and then we can cancel the home phone if we want to.

I should try to be productive after the 6am phone call. With white noise the only sound I hear, though, it's just too comforting to stay in bed. Today, though, my parents are coming, so I best at least get up and try to clean a bit before their arrival. So I guess I should thank the RRC for being a very precise alarm clock every morning.

First Real Outing

In order to go anywhere, besides the RRC, this month, I have to let my CW know and have it approved. This morning, I did my 3-hour driving for 10 minutes with my CW in order for her to approve my schedule for the week. This includes: meeting with an assoc dean at my school, going grocery shopping, going to a couple meals out with my parent (mom and stepdad who are coming Wed-Thurs), seeing a real movie at the theater, and attending GA meetings. All approved. I had to provide an address for each place and I will have to have a form signed at each location - worth it!!!

After my drive back, I went immediately to my campus. I forgot how much construction happens in summer and had to go in several circles to get to the building I needed. The Associate Dean was waiting for me and was incredibly kind. He was not at all phased about having to fill out the attendance verification form once I said I was on home confinement. 

Anyway, as I knew, the grad school has very little to do with whether I get back into my school or not. It's all done on a departmental level. However, it's good I met with him, because he helped me figure out how I can take classes before formal admission, if I need it. Also, given that I may already have my grad assistantship lined up, he didn't see an issue for me to be admitted outside of the typical cycle (which would have meant waiting a full year to start back up once readmitted to the school). He did encourage me to consider other departments, which I am.

The Assoc Dean gave me advice that fits well with my own thoughts -use the past as an asset, not an incumberance. I certainly have even more passion for the value of education! He literally said, if you talk to them like you just talked to me, I think you'll have a chance. The biggest hurdle will be whether the programs think that having me as a student will harm their reputation. I need to turn it into an asset to have me.

It felt good to be on campus. It's where I belong. I may have to knock on 40 doors, but I just finished the first one and it was a positive experience. Plus he told me that his door remains open to me. That's a good thing.

After the meeting, I called my former supervisor from my graduate assistantship. That conversation also went super well. She'll be talking to her boss today and trying to get permission for me to help them out this summer, and in my old job once I am able... While her boss works out of the same office as my old advisor, I believe he knows my work enough and is an independent thinker. I pray he allows me to continue on. 

There are many, many more things I will need to do in order to move forward with my phd work, but at least I'm trying and I have certainly learned to jump through hoops!

Being home

Five days on home confinement so far, and I have to say, "life is good!!" There are so many things I can do and I'm loving it! I am married to my house phone (the rrc does call at any time they want to check to ensure I'm home --- midnight, 3am, 6am, 10:30am, noon, 3:00pm, 6pm, etc. They only call 2-3x per day, but I never know when the phone will ring). I always get a call that wakes me up.

Sporty set up a nice home for me to come to. It's a 70's rental townhome, so the floors squeak with every single step. Even little superdog can't avoid squeaking the floors. At least no one sneaks up on me!

My room seems huge to me, even though I don't have the master. In fact, my full size bed feels enormous. I roll over and don't hit a cinder block wall!!! I am still working on getting my room set up, but I take little steps every day. I have boycotted making my bed for a couple days, but I hate walking in my room and not having my bed made, guess I'll have to find something else to boycott.

Superdog follows me everywhere and sleeps next to my bed. She always slept with T.S. when she's home (which she is for the summer), but ever since my second day here, she barely leaves my side. I haven't lived with her in 3 years, so maybe she thinks if she keeps an eye on me, I won't leave her again. I don't know, but having the constant companionship of a wonderful dog makes home confinement much more tolerable!

I am able to get fresh air. My house phone in my pocket, I can sit just outside my front door, let Superdog relax with me, and enjoy being outside. I wish I could take walks, but that is not allowed.

I am still working out, though. Actually, it took me a couple days to get back into my daily habit. I discovered free workout videos on comcast on-demand. Many need weights and things I don't yet have, so I've stuck mostly to Pilates and yoga. It feels good to continue that morning tradition. 

Food is amazing!!! I forgot how good things could taste!!! This week's highlights include pizza, Chinese, chipotle, real salad, salami and provolone sandwich, ice cream, cheese omelette, home-made waffle, bacon, raisin bran cereal, taco salad, edimame, and Arizona Arnold Palmer tea/lemonade. It's a good thing I am working out!!! I've actually lost weight.

I've left the house only once. I had to drive myself to/from the rrc (3 hours total driving). My appointment there lasted 10 minutes. What a waste of gas. But it got me out and back being comfortable driving. I listened to radio and heard some current music. I'm really behind the times now. I'll repeat that trip 7 more times. Instead of counting down hamburger days, I will count down trips back to see my CW.

I've been enjoying catching up on some movies. I watched Hunger Games 2 and Frozen, so far. Oh, and just the first episode of the second season of "Orange is the new Black." I've been asked by tons of people if I think I could handle watching it. I said, " hell yes, it's hilarious..." I actually really want to watch it, but in just the first episode I was thinking, "wow, yep, that's pretty accurate," a couple times. The first episode lacked the humor and really went for the drama. I'm sure the humor will be back soon. Or, perhaps, I couldn't see the humor in something I just lived through. Although, I really saw humor every day living the reality of prison. As we would say, "you can't make this s**t up!"

I have started my job of doing everything to get back in school. I officially have a meeting with the associate dean of the graduate school and have reached out to a couple professors to talk with. The ultimate decision to let me in school lies at the departmental level, so hopefully I'll get more meetings set up soon! I'm nervous, but know I can do this!!

Survivor did a nice job on my finances and it looks like I can sustain paying minimums on my bills for two months while I work everything out. That's with the incredible generosity of many friends who donated funds to me while I was away and Sporty allowing me to share the townhome for free for a while. Everyone's generosity does not go unnoticed!!! Thank you friends!!!!!

In fact, friends have been stopping by, and it's been wonderful. I've seen Cashe a couple times (even watched some Doctor Who!). Joy, Traveler, and others have also stopped by. It's so nice to see them!!! For me, it doesn't seem like almost a year passed, but catching up, I realize how much their lives have moved forward. My perspective seems to be that life just stopped 10 months ago, but for others there are new babies, dissertation proposals defended, graduations, new jobs, people moving, new relationships, and so much more!! Even though I learned much of these things in letters, somehow it wasn't as real to me until I was home.

I think this month of home confinement will go by quickly. I'm keeping myself busy. I'm enjoying downtime with T.S. and reading recovery books with Sporty. Tomorrow is my 6 year G.A. recovery anniversary. I have permission to go to a meeting. Slowly, life is getting more and more "normal."

I had a hard time figuring out which remote went to which device.