From Dragonfly: Out Date Update

Okay, I have some news - nothing definite for sure - but it's progress. Yesterday, my case manager and I finally reached someone at the right region and they had NOT started processing my paperwork for release yet. When my case manager informed him that I am supposed to be heading to home confinement on May 28th, I think my file just rose to the top. Here's what we did learn, though:

Since I am still a med care level 3, my file must go through a doctor on their end first. The doctor can either decide that I can go to home confinement or that I am not eligible for home confinement due to my health concerns. The thing is, I have no idea what my file says about my health. I've already been denied halfway house and camp due to my health - but I am able to work, I am active, and I don't need any assistance in giving myself my medication or taking care of my daily needs. According to BOP policy, I should be a care level 2, but here, for whatever reason they give, I am a care level 3. This extra point in care level could mean, for some people, still being denied home confinement, if the region's doctors (who have never seen you) make a determination that you are not medically qualified. Once again, I wish I just stopped all my medication for the time I was here and, somehow, got my medical care level down to a 1 or 2. I have no idea how my body would have fared, but the bureaucracy for people with medical conditions is crazy!

So, once the doctor "approves" me for my home confinement, my file will also have to go back to my P.O., who will again be required to visit my home. My case manager was surprised by this, because we submitted a letter approving my home residence by the P.O. with my exit packet.

Once the P.O. approves the home, again, my packet goes to the halfway house, which will be a different one that I originally was told (different region and all). I was told that I will spend 1-3 days at the halfway house and then go to my home. Since I am released on a Wednesday, if my May 28th date holds true, I will likely head home on Friday or the following Monday. The halfway house has to ensure they have a bed for me, so actually three different halfway houses are consulted by the region, and I will be placed in the one that is closest to my home that also has a bed on or near my date... if the halfway house is full, or all of them are full, then the date can be extended until a bed opens up.

So, how long does all this take? Usually, at least the 26 days I mentioned before, but can be longer, much, much longer. Since we talked to the guy at my region, yesterday, he promised to start the process on me today. I pray no one is on vacation and he can expedite the process. He told my case manager that they could still make the May 28th date IF they can get everything done by 10 days prior to that date... so we have just over a week... I say "go forth and make it happen!"

From Dragonfly: Hump Day

Today is Lola's husband's open heart surgery. If she were still here, I would be able to comfort her, as she waits for news of how he is faring. He was very nervous about the surgery and she wanted to be there more than anything. Since she couldn't, she sent a beautiful handmade teddy bear and an incredible card with a poem. He received them a couple days ago and loved them. They brought him out of his negativity for just a bit - which was good. But, like any spouse, it is times like these that he wants his wife close. An impossible situation for any marriage. So, I just want to put prayers out there for her husband today and into his recovery period after. I know he'll be okay.

Unfortunately, we have no phones for three days. In order to make a phone call, Lola will have to go to the Chaplains at the camp and have them call the number. She will likely only get to make one phone call before the phones are back on Friday. Not having phones for a couple days impacts a lot of people. There are birthdays (like my stepfathers was yesterday), anniversaries, good night calls to young children, and more that are missed for a couple days due to the lack of ability to call. It's so hard to explain to people on the outside how much we cannot control what we have access to and when. For the last two days, our email system has been down half the day as well. With no phones, when the email system is working, there are extremely long lines.

Plus, President Obama is doling out a clemency campaign that includes a long survey on the computers. Any inmate who has a non-violent charge and has served 10 years or more, can fill out the survey to be considered for Presidential Clemency. The President is expected to release thousands of non-violent offenders who were given extreme sentences. Here at Carswell, there are far too many women who fit in that category. When they finally get on a computer, the survey tends to take them a good amount of time to complete. I wish they had legal advice to know how to answer the questions, but there is none. I just hope some of them get through the process and go home, soon.

It's Wednesday - hump day - which also makes it banana and hamburger day. There are so many routines here, that we know our days by the routines. My routine will start with breakfast with Freckles and the morning at inside rec working out. It's a new routine, but one I hope to keep on the outside, as well (sans breakfast with Freckles, but I'll be thinking of her).

From Dragonfly: Better News

I'll start with my father - they believe the cancer is a spread of his bladder cancer from a year ago. I don't understand why they didn't do radiation or chemo after they took it out. If it spread to his brain, it's likely elsewhere in his body. He is going to start radiation and chemo asap and they will see what happens. His sister died from brain cancer - spread from elsewhere on her body - just two years ago. The similarities are not good.

T.S. is on her way to Belize for a service learning trip. At nineteen years old, a trip like this will truly help her understand important concepts - like globalization, real poverty, giving back/making a difference, communication across cultures, and more. I'm so excited for her. She is one amazing young woman and I am truly lucky to have her in my life!

No real new news on my leaving prison. I went and talked with the unit manager (supervisor to the case manager) yesterday. He didn't know of my situation, but heard me out... Since the paperwork was emailed on Friday, there is still a "chance" that I will be able to be released for May 28th. They say that they can process a release in three days if they have to... so I guess I have until the Friday prior - May 23rd - to receive word. Of course, that means I will be taking a couple day Greyhound Bus to home. Well, to halfway house, where I was told yesterday, I will spend up to 10 days. If I am going to a Halfway House anyway, why on earth was I denied halfway house????!???! It makes no sense. But then again, little here or in the BOP does.

Regardless of how much more time I am here, I am taking it all in a day at a time. I continue to receive a good amount of mail (thank you friends!) and that continues to help the days go by with a smile. I have everything to be grateful for in my life and I will not waste my energy wanting more. I'm leaving soon, so many here have years, or dozens of years, remaining. I couldn't imagine their struggles. I am so lucky not to have them. I'm a short-timer; not that any amount of time goes by quickly, but I can always see myself on the other side of the fence.

There are three things I plan to do immediately upon my release. The first is attend a G.A. Meeting. I miss the meetings more than anyone can imagine. Not being able to have that fellowship in here makes no sense. I'll never understand why they wouldn't allow me to start a meeting. So many can use it! Just the other day, I met a woman who is also a compulsive gambler. She was talking the "big shotism" of gambling - having never entered recovery for gambling. She is in a drug program, but is unable to focus on her gambling addiction. When she leaves here, where will that lead her???

The second thing I am going to do is see/call all my friends and family. The support I've received has been amazing and everyone will receive a personal thank you from me. Being here without support, is so very hard on everyone who has to do their time alone. My goal is to NEVER forget, so I will make May/June a special time annually, where I am able to look back at all the people in my life and, once again, thank them for making my time here pass with an incredible amount of love and support.

The third thing I will do is get a full body physical. I may be at a medical facility, but my health has not been monitored. The last time I had blood tests was in February (they are supposed to do them every 1-2 months). I have not seen my assigned doctor, ever, since she started in December. I know my body and know that I probably need a change in my medication regiment, but I will do that on the outside. Plus, I read about a new pill for autoimmune issues - it replaces the enbryl. I am definitely going to see if I am a candidate. I look forward to being my own health care advocate once I am given the opportunity.

The end is near. I know this for sure. Perhaps my higher power is letting me remember, I must release the control to try and know exactly how and when I will be going home. It's part of step 3, and since I have Lola (somewhere on the other side of the fence) needing to release control, I shall as well. You won't hear more news about my release until I have definite news. It will happen and I will wait for it - a day at a time.

From Dragonfly: Don't Blink

(Yes Cache, the subject is meant for you!!). Also, the subject is quite appropriate for my day. Last night, we discovered that Chi was being sent to the camp across the street this morning. She was on the call-out for 9am to go to R&D, but they contacted her at 6am and told her to pack out immediately. She did, we hugged, and she left. We started this journey together, but she is now on her own... well, not on her own...

Lola was ALSO transferred across the street this morning. Neither she nor I knew she was going today. We sat on the benches this morning and made plans for tonight... Now, she is gone. I'm happy for her, but I am very sad that I couldn't say, "goodbye." She is such a great person and friend and I will miss her so much. Four other people walked across the street in green uniforms (rather than our Khaki) that I know of. Good people who will certainly enjoy the lake view and the additional freedoms afforded to camp status folks. No more barbed wire for them.

I feel like I blinked my eyes and suddenly my Carswell life has changed once again. My dear friend is no longer with me. Her husband has open heart surgery on Wednesday, and I will not be able to be there to support her. I was just talking to her this morning about Step 3 and "letting go..." I told her to practice not trying to "control" a situation this week and see how that feels. I had no idea that the situation wasn't going to be on Wednesdays and the unknowns about her dear husband. The situation happened immediately. She was at work, told to go pack out, and was gone. Had someone I know not seen her, I would be at indoor rec tonight waiting for her. Don't blink, because everything changes while our eyes are closed.

Don't blink is also appropriate for the incredible inmates who cooked all night last night (9pm-6am) to make a very special Cinco de Mayo lunch for everyone. The lunch was delicious, but these folks had to go right back to work this morning for their normal shifts. If they tried to get a couple hours of sleep eye in, the C.O.'s walked around telling them to get up, no sleeping during the day. They look like walking zombies in the Chow Hall.

I've stuck with my new fondness of Yoga so far. I have worked out 5 of the last 6 days. A wonderful woman (who happens to look just like the yoga instructor on Orange is the New Black) works with me and a few others in the mornings. I also do some low-impact/arthritis yoga videos. I enjoy it... a lot. The Warrior II pose and I are now "one." Ha!!! I'm glad I don't sleep through my mornings and am getting in some healthy activity. It feels good.

My last weeks/months here (depending on what happens with my paperwork) will be spent doing a lot of healthy things. My besties - South and Lola - are already gone. My remaining bestie - Freckles and I will walk out around the same time. Red and I are getting close, which is really cool. Taz is still here and she is really good to me - as I am to her. I never thought prison would be about the friendships we make. So, don't blink, and look at all the possibilities.

From Dragonfly: Carswell Tan

It is not allowed at our facility to "sun bathe." The sun is not always our friend - there are people dying here due to skin cancer taking hold. So, no tanning allowed.

It's sunny and hot, and everyone spends their free time outside at outdoor rec or just on the compound. We sit on benches, play kickball/softball, walk the track, listen to music, hacky sack, shoot hoops, run, read, do homework, make bracelets, draw, etc. People are everywhere - relaxing and having fun.

So, what happens? It's the Carswell Tan. We ALL have farmer's tans! Our shoulder's are light, our arms are dark. Our legs are dark, our feet are white. Our thighs are white. We burn on half our body, but not the other half. Our scalps burn (mine did!). Our necks get color, our backs get none.

In the unit at night, when most people are wearing their shower shoes around the unit, it's funny to see everyone's "sock" line. There are no sandals, so it's where your socks cover, that remains white - kind of like a "golfer's" tan. Week after week, we watch people get darker and darker by the sun, even though there is no "tanning" allowed.

They do sell sun screen in commissary. However, you are more likely to find someone wearing "hot six oil" on their exposed parts, than the sunscreen. Of course, this is the more Caucasian people here. The darker skin folks, for the most part, still have the farmer's tan, but they are not burning as bad.

I have to admit. I look better when I have a little color on my face and arms. However, I do not like the feeling of getting burned and I certainly do not put oil on my skin. I suppose there's a "control" thing for inmates, wanting to be able to look the way they want to. At least it's nice, warm, and sunny - and we are all gaining some necessary vitamin D for our health!

From Dragonfly: Special Olympics

This weekend features the Special Olympics of Carswell. About fifty participants, all in wheelchairs, are participating in a variety of challenges - such as being run around the track by an INA, basketball, strength challenges, wheel chair decor/theme, and so much more! Yesterday was the opening games - with a highlighted speaker who happens to be a single leg amputee. On Monday, at the closing ceremonies, we will hear from a double legged amputee who was allowed to RE-ENLIST in the military! With so many amputee's at Carswell, the messages of hope are going to the ears of those who need it most.

Yesterday, a parade of wheel chairs, headed by a fake train, made it's way down the main corridor of the compound. The streets were lined with onlookers, all cheering for their favorite 'athletes' and their favorite decorated chairs. There was the "flower child," who wore a crochet flower lei across her head and had her chair surrounded by a cardboard decorated sign saying "convertible of flowers." There was the "lollipop girl," who had two huge lollipops sticking up the sides of her chair. So many fun wheelchairs. All the chairs have fun designs in their wheels, so as the women roll or are rolled around the grounds, the glittered designs sparkle in the sun's rays. While such decor would be contraband any other time of the year, for this weekend, they can keep their chairs decorated, even in the chow hall.

Participants were young and old - 20's through 80's, but this is not a competition that looked at age. It was about fun, and fun was had by all. More than 30 volunteers helped move the participants around to where they needed to be, and ensured the safety of everyone. By 2pm, the festivities were done for the afternoon, leading many in their chairs to take naps from the exhausting schedule of events. In the clinic, participants who needed injections for various ailments, could be seen sleeping right in their chairs as they waited to be called to the back by the nursing staff.

Many offices around campus closed, so that staff and inmate workers had the opportunity to attend the festivities. The library and education were closed for the afternoon. There were dozens of Carswell staff present for the parade and opening speakers. The support for the participants was huge.

The Olympics will run all weekend. From what I can tell, not even the participants are aware of everything going on - they are just told the next place to show up, and they do. On Monday, the closing ceremonies will take place. There will be prizes for the top three winners. Bragging rights for being the compound's top wheelchair athletes will last for a year, until next year someone else, perhaps, takes the prize.

From Dragonfly: Starting Over

Today, we officially know that I am not in the system, yet, for heading home. It appears that neither region knows anything about my paperwork. So, my case worker was asked to send it again via email. She did. What I don't understand is, in this age of technology and secured servers, why don't they send it via email to begin with? We have no idea where the other set of my papers went, but I'm not processed for release, yet, which means it will once again be a waiting game.

I've heard rumors of people being expedited, but I'm not sure what that looks like in terms of time to be processed. If it takes the 26 day average, I will be processed on the day I am supposed to leave, meaning, I would not be leaving that day. I pray that they choose to expedite me and, somehow, in a week or two, we will know I'm leaving on my home confinement date. Otherwise, it could be any date between then and July 2nd. So, no matter what, two months from today, I will be home.

These last few weeks have been hard, and yet I am feeling content. At least, as content as one can be in prison. Freckles and I were talking today, as we walked a mile around the track, about how this experience has changed us. I guess Joy said something to Sporty about this experience changing me, and no doubt it has. Freckles and I started with some positive things - like we are stronger. We see the school system differently. We see drug charges differently. We see entitlement differently. We are more connected with our minds and bodies. We accept things easier. We know we can help make a difference and use this experience to help others. I am more feminine (sounds funny, but true... I love wearing my hair in braids and my hair has grown substantially!). I also love the smells of the perfume/cologne ads in magazines (I always ignored them in the past).

There were also bad things. For example, we despise bureaucracy even more. I jump at the slightest loud sound or distraction. It's hard to trust what people say to me. Medical care can not always be trusted. I have less compassion (something that Freckles and I said is inevitable when we have to walk around people having seizures or having four people die in the same week). There are so many changes - and we will probably know them when people point them out. We've had a short sentence, but it's become reality for us. Oh, I don't know if I ever want to wear grey or Khaki again!!!

Even with what's happening with my father, I am feeling okay. I have made new friends lately that make me laugh - as does Taz. I love my time with Lola and Freckles. Red does a good job getting me to get out of any negativity and to think positive. I can face this new challenge. I've faced many others and I'm stronger for doing so.