When a prison is on a military base, as this one is, we can sometimes see/hear things occuring on the base beyond our fences. Yesterday, a jet owned by the air force (I believe) was flying and the noise was overwhelming. I only hear these things outside, the medical facility and units keep out all outside noise. Too much concrete I imagine.
Everyday, there is a military tradition that we hear as well, if we are outside. The speakers on the base play "The Star Spangled Banner." I'm used to hearing the song at sports events, and love it when crowds roar and clap when whoever is singing it does the line, "the land of the FREE," which they hold that note on the "free" for quite a while. However, when I hear that line here, it brings tears to my eyes. I am not free. In many ways, I will never be "free" again.
Sure, I will be released within the next 6-7 months. I will go home and be "on paper" for three more years. However, I will have more freedom than I will here, or in the prison camp across the street. But then, what? Well, a felony follows one around... work applications, school applications, public assistance, friendships, family, etc. Many will just say, "no," and make you feel you are right back in prison after you've done your time. Not everyone, but some.
What will matter is how we handle that reality. This felony will not define my life. My imprisonment will not define my life. They are chapters of a much bigger life. People will treat me wrong, but that is not about me or anything I did, it is about them and their closed-mindedness. Would I really want to work somewhere that has a boss that won't trust me? Would I want friendships with people who cannot see past the mistakes of one's past?
I figure we can choose to go forward with our lives or we can wallow in our misfortunes. I choose to not let this felony and imprisonment restrict my "freedom" to be and do. Every interaction is an opportunity to educate others about addiction, forgiveness, recovery, compassion, and understanding. I will not "own" other's negativity. I will choose to surround myself by the people who choose love over hate and humility over egoism.
My life will never be the same again, that is very much the truth. But if anyone were to look back in their life 5 years, is it really the exact same? People change. Circumstances change. Struggle happens to everyone. Self-pity is a threat we all face, unless we can acknowledge that while 'different' is hard, there is usually an end to the struggle and a smile/laughter at the other side.
This experience has also helped me better see the value of some people and things in my life. The unconditional love of some, and the self-centeredness of others. Struggle does that... it helps you know who your true friends are. I am very lucky, because I have an incredible network of people who care deeply for me and whom I care deeply for as well. They know everything about me, and still choose to support me. If I didn't trust them with the truth, then that support would be fake. Only being your true self, can ensure the honesty every type of healthy relationship requires.
I also do my very best to stay away from a "why me" attitude. Why did I have addiction? Why did I make such stupid mistakes? Why did I go to prison when so many have not? My answer to these, is "why not me." I am no better than anyone else. I am affected by the same demons, experiences, and emotional turmoil as anyone else. There is no "why me," but rather I see it as I'm glad it is me and not someone else. No one I care about should have to go through this. Maybe my experience can help someone else not go through this. We never know how our interactions may help others. I sometimes think that perhaps I am here to represent all the people who struggle with gambling addiction. So many didn't go to prison "yet." Perhaps my experience, my writing, and my knowledge can help others avoid that 'yet' from every happening. If I save just one person from an experience like this, I've lived a worthy life.
For those not kept away from these walls, who either have been through this experience or are facing it in the near future, I can only say that our attitude is what matters most. We can do time, or we can let time do us. We can humbly face each day, knowing that this will be just one of those times of struggle, or we can keep a "why me" attitude. We can help others, or we can think we are better than others. We can be victims, or we can be survivors.
Missing family and friends is real and hard. But, we need to not take our family and friends into prison with us. It is hard enough on the outside knowing that someone you care about is locked up. We owe it to them to be interested in their lives, and let them try to enjoy their time until we are home again. If we put up expectations and restrictions on them, then we are being selfish. They will show their love and support through the mail, trulincs, prayers, visits, phone calls, and through them making the next right decision for themselves and their family. We are locked up, but we can't lock them up along with us.
It is nearly December and another month is coming to a close. Christmas is everywhere. There is a tree in the foyer. If another religion is celebrated, it occurs in the chapel. People are sad. They want to be with their kids, their spouses and others during the holidays. We do what we can to support one another. We had a great conversation about the foods we miss from our Thanksgiving feasts back home. We laugh at the funniest turkey cooking stories of our lives. I spent the day, yesterday, making something to send T.S. I also made two phone calls. The wait for the phones was long, but important. The food served to us was not "all that good," but it included turkey. They could have fed us anything. We are not "free" here. We are controlled. Our food is controlled. Our entertainment is controlled. We do not live in the "land of the free" when we are in prison, but it's a lot better here than in many other countries. Just take it all a day at a time, and now I'm past my Thanksgiving without family. I am past my first 3 1/2 months incarcerated. I am past my incredibly scary first few weeks. Perhaps, I do have some freedoms... I am writing this. I am wearing a sweatshirt at least 1 size too large for me and it's very comfy. I take a shower when I want to. My hair has blond highlights. I drank a hot cocoa with mini marshmellows yesterday. Maybe I don't have all the freedoms of the outside world, but I still have choice. We all still have some choice.
Friday, November 29, 2013
From Dragonfly: Thanksgiving Thankfulness
It's Thanksgiving at Carswell. The day started with strawberry frosted flakes. I had breakfast with Nurse - who is fighting her "shot" and seems to be on the winning side. Being at Carswell for Thanksgiving, though, makes us all miss our friends and family just a little bit more than usual. We will have a turkey dinner (well, lunch) with all the fixings, I hear. Then, we will stand in line for a boxed dinner, since all the kitchen workers will have dinner off. People have been talking about today's food for over two weeks!
Thanksgiving, to me, is about being grateful. I try to be grateful all the time - it is a part of recovery. I've written lists and more lists of things I'm grateful for in journals, letters, and to the people I love. Since being at Carswell, I have not written too many grateful lists. However, when I was here just a couple weeks and I was threatened by my roommate in the "bus stop," I called Faith, and she told me to write a list of things I'm grateful for. So, I have a list that I look at quite often. Having very little paper available at the time, I wrote the list in the back of my personal phone/address book. I see it daily. It centers me when things are out of control here. No better day, than today, to share it with you:
(this is in no particular order!!!)
1. I am alive.
2. My addiction recovery.
3. My family and friends' support.
4. Sporty getting our home ready so I have a place to go.
5. Survivor taking on my financials and so much more.
6. Traveler handing all my emails.
7. I have T.S. as a daughter.
8. Money for Commissary and FRP.
9. I like to read.
10. South in my room.
11. Chi's kindness.
12. My education and knowledge.
13. The opportunity to help others.
14. I'm relatively healthy.
15. I can call someone to listen/talk.
16. I don't "fit in" in prison.
17. I am kind.
18. I don't hate the world.
19. I like myself.
20. My sentence is short.
21. I self-surrendered.
22. I don't hold anger.
23. I don't need a partner for happiness.
24. I'm not starving.
25. I am loved deeply.
26. I'm a survivor, not a victim.
27. I own nice things.
28. I have travelled to amazing places.
29. I've seen true beauty.
30. Access to TruLincs and email.
31. I am a good person.
32. I do not need "drugs."
33. I am capable of greatness.
34. I have lots of skills and abilities.
35. I can love others.
36. I am able to sleep.
(That is the list that I had written that difficult day in August.)
There is so much MORE to be grateful for, but the most important thing in my life is the love and support I have received from those closest to me - my mom and extended family, Sporty, Survivor, T.S., the group of friends I have from GA, Faith, Traveler, Cache, random GA people I may never have met, people who send me nice messages, my boss in education who gave me a chance, my former supervisors from my university job and my fellowship, my closest friends from my university, everyone who follows my ups and down, my dog, my SIL, the people who choose to write me at least weekly, everyone who has sent me in a book, South, Army, Ark, Danbury, Star, Nurse, Freckles and every person who is kind at Carswell, everyone who put me in their prayers, the people who share a smile or laugh with me, ... and so many more. These are who I am really grateful to.
There is, also, some news to share. The thing about this kind of "news" is that there's no way of knowing when it may occur. I went to the "open house" for my case worker yesterday (since I had the afternoon off). I wanted to know why my PSI wasn't uploaded to the system. I never actually asked. We were talking about my security level. I started here as "minimum in" = the "in" was due to my needing to be inside a medical facility. Well, she forgot that last week she was supposed to tell me that my status was changed to "minimum out" - the status I should have started with to be sent to a camp. And, in fact, they are sending me to a camp... across the street (not closer to home). She was supposed to tell me last week, all she said yesterday was, "oops." She says my transfer to the camp will occur, "before Christmas." Had I not gone to her office yesterday, I would have only had a day's notice (the day I have to pack out my locker). Now, I get to prepare.
The camp across the street is NO "Camp Cupcake." It is an old motel 6 and we see it on the other side of our front fencing. They have 6 people to a room, and each room has a bathroom (think of any motel room you've stayed in). There is NO fence surrounding the property. There is a lake in the back, that I hear is pretty. I love being close to water. There are 300 people in total at the camp. When I move there, it will be a whole new story. I have no idea what life will be like. I will miss the friends I've made in the medical facility, but am so GRATEFUL that I am going to where the violence level is much lower. I will have to wear a really ugly green uniform, but that's okay. The phones, laundry, and all lines (like commissary) are outdoors. I will need to get used to that. I could get a job in the camp's education program, I hope... but many people actually work on the military base that we are located on. The camp has a "puppy program" for people who will be there for a long while (I won't qualify).
So, sometime over the next month, I will be writing of totally new experiences. I guess I am supposed to have a fully rounded out prison experience before I go home. The reason they are not moving me to a camp closer to home is that I am still a medical level 3. They need to keep me near the medical facility. But, I am going to have HOPE that I am going somewhere better - where my serenity can exist - and I can, finally, relax. As always, I will keep you updated.
So Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!! I pray that you and your family/friends have a joyous holiday and try to concentrate on the people in your life and not just on the "black Friday" shopping deals!
Thanksgiving, to me, is about being grateful. I try to be grateful all the time - it is a part of recovery. I've written lists and more lists of things I'm grateful for in journals, letters, and to the people I love. Since being at Carswell, I have not written too many grateful lists. However, when I was here just a couple weeks and I was threatened by my roommate in the "bus stop," I called Faith, and she told me to write a list of things I'm grateful for. So, I have a list that I look at quite often. Having very little paper available at the time, I wrote the list in the back of my personal phone/address book. I see it daily. It centers me when things are out of control here. No better day, than today, to share it with you:
(this is in no particular order!!!)
1. I am alive.
2. My addiction recovery.
3. My family and friends' support.
4. Sporty getting our home ready so I have a place to go.
5. Survivor taking on my financials and so much more.
6. Traveler handing all my emails.
7. I have T.S. as a daughter.
8. Money for Commissary and FRP.
9. I like to read.
10. South in my room.
11. Chi's kindness.
12. My education and knowledge.
13. The opportunity to help others.
14. I'm relatively healthy.
15. I can call someone to listen/talk.
16. I don't "fit in" in prison.
17. I am kind.
18. I don't hate the world.
19. I like myself.
20. My sentence is short.
21. I self-surrendered.
22. I don't hold anger.
23. I don't need a partner for happiness.
24. I'm not starving.
25. I am loved deeply.
26. I'm a survivor, not a victim.
27. I own nice things.
28. I have travelled to amazing places.
29. I've seen true beauty.
30. Access to TruLincs and email.
31. I am a good person.
32. I do not need "drugs."
33. I am capable of greatness.
34. I have lots of skills and abilities.
35. I can love others.
36. I am able to sleep.
(That is the list that I had written that difficult day in August.)
There is so much MORE to be grateful for, but the most important thing in my life is the love and support I have received from those closest to me - my mom and extended family, Sporty, Survivor, T.S., the group of friends I have from GA, Faith, Traveler, Cache, random GA people I may never have met, people who send me nice messages, my boss in education who gave me a chance, my former supervisors from my university job and my fellowship, my closest friends from my university, everyone who follows my ups and down, my dog, my SIL, the people who choose to write me at least weekly, everyone who has sent me in a book, South, Army, Ark, Danbury, Star, Nurse, Freckles and every person who is kind at Carswell, everyone who put me in their prayers, the people who share a smile or laugh with me, ... and so many more. These are who I am really grateful to.
There is, also, some news to share. The thing about this kind of "news" is that there's no way of knowing when it may occur. I went to the "open house" for my case worker yesterday (since I had the afternoon off). I wanted to know why my PSI wasn't uploaded to the system. I never actually asked. We were talking about my security level. I started here as "minimum in" = the "in" was due to my needing to be inside a medical facility. Well, she forgot that last week she was supposed to tell me that my status was changed to "minimum out" - the status I should have started with to be sent to a camp. And, in fact, they are sending me to a camp... across the street (not closer to home). She was supposed to tell me last week, all she said yesterday was, "oops." She says my transfer to the camp will occur, "before Christmas." Had I not gone to her office yesterday, I would have only had a day's notice (the day I have to pack out my locker). Now, I get to prepare.
The camp across the street is NO "Camp Cupcake." It is an old motel 6 and we see it on the other side of our front fencing. They have 6 people to a room, and each room has a bathroom (think of any motel room you've stayed in). There is NO fence surrounding the property. There is a lake in the back, that I hear is pretty. I love being close to water. There are 300 people in total at the camp. When I move there, it will be a whole new story. I have no idea what life will be like. I will miss the friends I've made in the medical facility, but am so GRATEFUL that I am going to where the violence level is much lower. I will have to wear a really ugly green uniform, but that's okay. The phones, laundry, and all lines (like commissary) are outdoors. I will need to get used to that. I could get a job in the camp's education program, I hope... but many people actually work on the military base that we are located on. The camp has a "puppy program" for people who will be there for a long while (I won't qualify).
So, sometime over the next month, I will be writing of totally new experiences. I guess I am supposed to have a fully rounded out prison experience before I go home. The reason they are not moving me to a camp closer to home is that I am still a medical level 3. They need to keep me near the medical facility. But, I am going to have HOPE that I am going somewhere better - where my serenity can exist - and I can, finally, relax. As always, I will keep you updated.
So Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!! I pray that you and your family/friends have a joyous holiday and try to concentrate on the people in your life and not just on the "black Friday" shopping deals!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
From Dragonfly: Testing
So... For the past 2 hours, I was being tested in reading comprehension, math application, math computation, and language arts. I hope I passed (ha!). Why did I get called for today's test? Because my high school did not send in my transcript AND my PSI (PSR) is not uploaded to the system. I have been here over 3 months and no one has put my PSI in the system. This means that everyone who I meet on my "team" has no idea of my background or anything. That is just crazy.
So, what do I have to do now? I have to have my mom ("hi mom!") go to my high school (luckily the high school I officially graduated from in 1991 is practically next store to where she lives). I actually went to three different high schools, and that high school for only a couple months, but I did graduate from it. I hope they get on it and send in my transcript. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to be on track to take the GED. Lol.
There was actually an advantage to taking the test this morning. I will now know exactly what my students are being tested in when they are "tabe" tested. When I see their results, I will understand the kind of concepts they were supposed to know. For me, the test was mostly at a Junior High level, with just a couple algebra and geometry questions. The reading and language arts were of the kind we would start doing in elementary education. That helps me know that I really need to start curriculum at that low level for some of the students - which is good to know. We do that with math, but not with the science or social studies. If the students can't read a map or a chart, they won't be able to answer the questions. Of the entire test, there was one question I wasn't sure about. I hate the questions where there are two good answers, but only one best answer. Also, a couple math questions resulted in my selecting, "answer is not listed." I never trusted myself to choose that answer the first time and would rework the question, but it the answer wasn't listed, so I had to select that circle. It's been a long time since I've taken a scan tron style test! B and C are NOT always the best "guess" answers!
So, here's the advice. First, make sure your PSR/PSI says that your high school degree is "verified." Also, have a copy of your high school degree mailed directly from the high school into your institution's education department. If you don't, you may just find yourself taking a TABE test to get assessed for your GED class... although, since the wait list is so long to get into a class, it may be years before you start the official classes. That gives me the time I need to get the transcript in and find out why my PSI is not uploaded to my electronic file.
So, what do I have to do now? I have to have my mom ("hi mom!") go to my high school (luckily the high school I officially graduated from in 1991 is practically next store to where she lives). I actually went to three different high schools, and that high school for only a couple months, but I did graduate from it. I hope they get on it and send in my transcript. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to be on track to take the GED. Lol.
There was actually an advantage to taking the test this morning. I will now know exactly what my students are being tested in when they are "tabe" tested. When I see their results, I will understand the kind of concepts they were supposed to know. For me, the test was mostly at a Junior High level, with just a couple algebra and geometry questions. The reading and language arts were of the kind we would start doing in elementary education. That helps me know that I really need to start curriculum at that low level for some of the students - which is good to know. We do that with math, but not with the science or social studies. If the students can't read a map or a chart, they won't be able to answer the questions. Of the entire test, there was one question I wasn't sure about. I hate the questions where there are two good answers, but only one best answer. Also, a couple math questions resulted in my selecting, "answer is not listed." I never trusted myself to choose that answer the first time and would rework the question, but it the answer wasn't listed, so I had to select that circle. It's been a long time since I've taken a scan tron style test! B and C are NOT always the best "guess" answers!
So, here's the advice. First, make sure your PSR/PSI says that your high school degree is "verified." Also, have a copy of your high school degree mailed directly from the high school into your institution's education department. If you don't, you may just find yourself taking a TABE test to get assessed for your GED class... although, since the wait list is so long to get into a class, it may be years before you start the official classes. That gives me the time I need to get the transcript in and find out why my PSI is not uploaded to my electronic file.
From Dragonfly: Quiet Please
They are yellow, small, oblong, and soft. If pinched in just the right way, they fit comfortably in and do their job 85% of the time. I'm talking about ear plugs. They are a necessity in prison. I've written about all the noise, so when I want to read, sleep, or just relax, the yellow scrunchy plugs are put into my ears and the noise lessens. The noise in my head is harder to deal with.
I'm not talking about voices or anything mental health wise - I'm talking about thinking - nonstop chatter of thoughts that come to me when I am finally settled down for the day. They are the questions of anxiety... When will I get out of here? Where will I work? Will my appeal be successful? What will I do to pay off my restitution and student loans? Will I ever be out of debt? Should I start a business? Will my health allow me to work full-time? Can I keep teaching at the college level? Should I write a book? What's for dinner? Did I forget anyone on my holiday card list? Are my parents okay? Will I ever see my grandma again and have her know who I am? Can I open my locker without having it bang against the bed post pissing off my roommate? Why does my heel hurt? How is it possible that I am losing weight? Why do I have a call-out to take an education test today when I am an education employee? How can I keep my hair looking this good? Do I need another pair of sweat pants or another sweatshirt? Can I face the people in the laundry room tonight? Do I have a good book to read? How is T.S. doing studying for her first college finals? Why haven't I heard from _______? Will my not being a student at my college anymore distant the amazing friendships I have built? Am I fighting a losing battle? When will I get to be in another official GA meeting? Who stole my chapstick? Will I get my crochet project done in time to mail out for the holiday? How should I celebrate Hanukkah? Why hasn't my home been approved by probation yet for home confinement? When will I finally see a rheumatologist here? Who might visit and when? Can I transfer to a camp?
Okay, you get the idea. These are the questions that keep me up at times. So many unknowns.
Prison is all about unknowns. Life is no longer under your control. Not that it ever was --- but with freedom, you have the false belief that you are in control.
Sometimes, I work hard to quiet the noise in my head. I meditate, read, write, or finally fall asleep. It works, I'm exhausted a lot. But, when I wake in the middle of the night - 3am today - I can't fall back asleep. The questions and thoughts fill my head and sleep is far from possible. This morning, I came up with a million reasons I might have the education test call-out -- my guess is that my high school never verified my graduation and I'm getting a GED placement test. I won't have to take my own GED classes, cause if I have to, my mom can go to my former high school and get a copy of my transcript. It's just how crazy things are here. I may be in a PhD program, but if my high school does not verify my graduation, I would have to be in GED courses. I have two students - one who is a college graduate from Germany and another who has a high school degree from California - who could not get verification. They are both over 50 years old and are stuck in GED classes because they forgot their math. It's a federal government mandate that every inmate prove their high school graduation or take GED courses.
Well, off to test...
I'm not talking about voices or anything mental health wise - I'm talking about thinking - nonstop chatter of thoughts that come to me when I am finally settled down for the day. They are the questions of anxiety... When will I get out of here? Where will I work? Will my appeal be successful? What will I do to pay off my restitution and student loans? Will I ever be out of debt? Should I start a business? Will my health allow me to work full-time? Can I keep teaching at the college level? Should I write a book? What's for dinner? Did I forget anyone on my holiday card list? Are my parents okay? Will I ever see my grandma again and have her know who I am? Can I open my locker without having it bang against the bed post pissing off my roommate? Why does my heel hurt? How is it possible that I am losing weight? Why do I have a call-out to take an education test today when I am an education employee? How can I keep my hair looking this good? Do I need another pair of sweat pants or another sweatshirt? Can I face the people in the laundry room tonight? Do I have a good book to read? How is T.S. doing studying for her first college finals? Why haven't I heard from _______? Will my not being a student at my college anymore distant the amazing friendships I have built? Am I fighting a losing battle? When will I get to be in another official GA meeting? Who stole my chapstick? Will I get my crochet project done in time to mail out for the holiday? How should I celebrate Hanukkah? Why hasn't my home been approved by probation yet for home confinement? When will I finally see a rheumatologist here? Who might visit and when? Can I transfer to a camp?
Okay, you get the idea. These are the questions that keep me up at times. So many unknowns.
Prison is all about unknowns. Life is no longer under your control. Not that it ever was --- but with freedom, you have the false belief that you are in control.
Sometimes, I work hard to quiet the noise in my head. I meditate, read, write, or finally fall asleep. It works, I'm exhausted a lot. But, when I wake in the middle of the night - 3am today - I can't fall back asleep. The questions and thoughts fill my head and sleep is far from possible. This morning, I came up with a million reasons I might have the education test call-out -- my guess is that my high school never verified my graduation and I'm getting a GED placement test. I won't have to take my own GED classes, cause if I have to, my mom can go to my former high school and get a copy of my transcript. It's just how crazy things are here. I may be in a PhD program, but if my high school does not verify my graduation, I would have to be in GED courses. I have two students - one who is a college graduate from Germany and another who has a high school degree from California - who could not get verification. They are both over 50 years old and are stuck in GED classes because they forgot their math. It's a federal government mandate that every inmate prove their high school graduation or take GED courses.
Well, off to test...
Sunday, November 24, 2013
From Dragonfly: It is Night in my Soul
I've mentioned Nurse before. She is 59 years old and was a health care administrator before finding herself assigned to Carswell for a crime she wasn't aware she was committing (she sent money to her son being a missionary in Darfur, not knowing that it was a crime to send money to help citizens of Darfur because it is seen as a country of terror... her son was working directly with people camps who had almost no food or water and horrible living conditions due to their government's policies. Her son died two years ago, this last week, from Malaria. He was beautiful!!). Anyway, Nurse has a strong personality (like me), and we talk a lot about the realities of this place. She has been here about a month and a half and her only medical issue is that she needs to eat a special diet due to her bariatric surgery that she chose to have to help control her diabetes. Her dietary needs have not been met - a fight she faces daily with the medical team and staff at Carswell. She is doing everything in her power to get transferred to a camp much closer to home, but if that ever happens, it would be a long ways down her sentence. Nothing happens quickly here.
Anyway, Nurse receives a special meal (that does not necessarily meet the "soft foods" diet she is supposed to be on) at every meal time. She walks up to a special line, where she is handed a hot or cold tray. This is put on an empty tray, so she can get something from the salad "bar" if she wants to enjoy our iceberg lettuce option. Since her arrival in early October, this has been her routine. Last night, some inmates were trying to cause a scene in order to sneak a bag of cheese out of the dining hall. I have no idea who these inmates were, but somehow they told the officer that Nurse (someone they don't know) took two trays of food (not allowed by DOP rules) and turned the C.O.'s attention in Nurse's direction (to distract him from seeing their sneaking of the cheese out of the hall). So, the officer starts yelling at Nurse and she has no idea what she's done wrong. She didn't have two trays of food, she just had the two trays handed to her by the "medical diets" line. Even medical diets stated this, when asked. So, the officer then decides that Nurse must have been the "decoy" for the cheese thieves to get their cheesy goods out of the chow hall. She didn't even know them and was sitting and eating with several of our mutual pals.
So, Nurse, who is not quite as passive as I am, tries to argue her truth (something that is forbidden here) and is taken to the lieutenant's office. She didn't get to fully eat her meal, which she must follow up with water, or it won't dissolve, due to her bariatric surgery, so she starts feeling ill. At the Lieutenant's office, The lieutenant does not allow Nurse to defend herself. He says that his officers tell the truth and inmates lie (we are all just inmates...) and gives her extra duty picking up garbage outside. It is under 30 degrees outside and freezing. Withing the first hour, she vomits (still not feeling well, since she did not properly eat her meal). The officer takes Nurse back to the lieutenant's office and the lieutenant tells her that he is writing her a shot (disciplinary paperwork) which would result in a severe penalty.
Nurse comes back to the unit and finds us and tells us what happened. Later, as we are all getting ready for count, Nurse's name is called and she is brought back to the lieutenant's office and has to "read" the paperwork. I know nothing of what the recourse will be. She was too distraught to come out of her room after count last night, and since she lives upstairs in our unit, I could not go to her. All I know is that she has been treated WRONG in this scenario. She did nothing wrong, but she is being punished anyway.
It reminds me of the day that a lieutenant screamed at me in the chow hall after I did nothing wrong. It was that moment that I realized that I don't have a "voice" in prison. As long as I wear the prison uniform, I am just the same as anyone else. If some inmates lie, we all lie. If some inmates are bad, we are all bad. If some inmates steal, we all steal. It is not the truth, but that's the way we are treated. When something bad happens, all the inmates are punished - either as a compound or as a unit. One inmate will cause trouble over a television and the televisions are cut off from the entire unit for days. One inmate leaves food in a microwave, and the microwave is taken away from everyone. One inmate doesn't go to the lieutenant's office on time and the entire compound is closed and all inmates have to stay in their units. That is how a large place like Carswell and control 1800 inmates. They just see us all as the same.
Anyway, on November 10th (2 weeks ago), Nurse went to her church service and then turned around and wrote something. I want to share it with you: "Since October 10th time has stood still for me here. The sun set on my soul and has not risen yet. The longest night presses on and the daylight has never come. I am learning patience but it is so difficult. I see women drop and hit concrete several times a day and night. We are tortured by punishing circumstances and stand for hours without chairs. Sleeping block cells on metal bunks 3 feet separating us and lights on at all times. I hear about punishment and pain and feel it deeply every moment I am here. It is night in our soul. Thank you for your prayers, .."Every link in the chain..." Romans 7:15-8:2 A chain is only as strong as its weakest link - and so our society - it's future - is at the mercy eventually of its worst members. I see these people every day, it's lowest moral standards, its most elemental cruelty. For human nature, like water, seeks it's lowest level. All without God. If it were not true, America would be emerging better, cleaner, finer - less violent, more loving than she was fifty year ago. After two hundred years of existence she would have by now nearly abolished crime, immortality, perversion, godlessness and all greed. Utopia would be within sight - for never in all of recorded history has a nation been so lavished with material and intellectual blessings. But this hasn't happened, Why? It is natural to blame the demise on the governing parties, economic indiscretion, international faux pas and various groups of society. But the fact remains that what we are experiencing today is the accumulation of the acts of millions of us imperfect people upon each other. Individual greed, selfishness, God-rebellion, immortality, and materialism, all multiplied thousands of times. Take yourself and multiply your weaknesses, your sins by the number of people in the U.S.; then by the number of people in the world, and you will have a picture of the quality of the chain by which we are all trying to life ourselves up. Pray for the sunrise to come. For me to get out of here and be kept safe while I am here. Pray for patience and understanding. Just one of you can make a difference. God's will in any circumstances is more far reaching than we dream. Make good decisions. Look at wikipedia for FMC Carswell and taste my daily/nightly life. Forgive and excuse my indifference by thinking I cannot be used by God. Thank him for your lives and your freedoms. Hug one another and continue to pray. Help us remember we are no better than another without God. Be faithful. Pray for me. I stand in the gap for you. I think of you all often. I wonder if this month has lasted as long for you. Where you think I am or what you think I look like now, having lost 100 pounds (9 this week). They do not give me any supplements, they feed us the worst spoiled foods with sick laughter. They take away prescriptions vital to our existence yet sustain us here to live out our punishment. Some around me are here for life, some for 6 months. Mothers and daughters, murderers, mafia, white collar. I am here too. In disbelief I wake every day and the sunrise has yet to come. There is no place else I can go. I don't know what this week will hold but I know that prayer changes things. Pray for relationships, for the old ones and the babies. Be blessed..." (NURSE).
Nurse and I may have different religions and be here for different crimes, but we all experience the same reality. There is so little good here. We become observers of obscenity, crime, disregard, pain, punishment, and greed every moment of every day. My thoughts are with Nurse at this moment. We all have our lowest moments here, and now it is her turn. There's nothing anyone can do. We can all just acknowledge the unfairness of the darkness in this place and support each other through the roughest patches. How hard it is to explain this to those on the outside. Those whose eyes have not seen such behavior and pain. It is not the worst in society - there are those trying to survive in places like Darfur or on the streets of any major city. There are those who survived the horrors of the Holocaust, and refuse to speak of their memories. Such memories are almost gone forever (except in writings, books, and movies). I write this so that there is record of these memories, here at Carswell. They are not like the horrors of WWII, but they are our own personal wars - wars within ourselves to stay strong and survive - to support each other and even laugh once in a while. For those who are here for life, I don't know how they survive, for the rest of us, we just count down the days and pray that somehow, our time will be shortened. I join Nurse in saying that it is "night in my soul." The darkness never retreats.
Anyway, Nurse receives a special meal (that does not necessarily meet the "soft foods" diet she is supposed to be on) at every meal time. She walks up to a special line, where she is handed a hot or cold tray. This is put on an empty tray, so she can get something from the salad "bar" if she wants to enjoy our iceberg lettuce option. Since her arrival in early October, this has been her routine. Last night, some inmates were trying to cause a scene in order to sneak a bag of cheese out of the dining hall. I have no idea who these inmates were, but somehow they told the officer that Nurse (someone they don't know) took two trays of food (not allowed by DOP rules) and turned the C.O.'s attention in Nurse's direction (to distract him from seeing their sneaking of the cheese out of the hall). So, the officer starts yelling at Nurse and she has no idea what she's done wrong. She didn't have two trays of food, she just had the two trays handed to her by the "medical diets" line. Even medical diets stated this, when asked. So, the officer then decides that Nurse must have been the "decoy" for the cheese thieves to get their cheesy goods out of the chow hall. She didn't even know them and was sitting and eating with several of our mutual pals.
So, Nurse, who is not quite as passive as I am, tries to argue her truth (something that is forbidden here) and is taken to the lieutenant's office. She didn't get to fully eat her meal, which she must follow up with water, or it won't dissolve, due to her bariatric surgery, so she starts feeling ill. At the Lieutenant's office, The lieutenant does not allow Nurse to defend herself. He says that his officers tell the truth and inmates lie (we are all just inmates...) and gives her extra duty picking up garbage outside. It is under 30 degrees outside and freezing. Withing the first hour, she vomits (still not feeling well, since she did not properly eat her meal). The officer takes Nurse back to the lieutenant's office and the lieutenant tells her that he is writing her a shot (disciplinary paperwork) which would result in a severe penalty.
Nurse comes back to the unit and finds us and tells us what happened. Later, as we are all getting ready for count, Nurse's name is called and she is brought back to the lieutenant's office and has to "read" the paperwork. I know nothing of what the recourse will be. She was too distraught to come out of her room after count last night, and since she lives upstairs in our unit, I could not go to her. All I know is that she has been treated WRONG in this scenario. She did nothing wrong, but she is being punished anyway.
It reminds me of the day that a lieutenant screamed at me in the chow hall after I did nothing wrong. It was that moment that I realized that I don't have a "voice" in prison. As long as I wear the prison uniform, I am just the same as anyone else. If some inmates lie, we all lie. If some inmates are bad, we are all bad. If some inmates steal, we all steal. It is not the truth, but that's the way we are treated. When something bad happens, all the inmates are punished - either as a compound or as a unit. One inmate will cause trouble over a television and the televisions are cut off from the entire unit for days. One inmate leaves food in a microwave, and the microwave is taken away from everyone. One inmate doesn't go to the lieutenant's office on time and the entire compound is closed and all inmates have to stay in their units. That is how a large place like Carswell and control 1800 inmates. They just see us all as the same.
Anyway, on November 10th (2 weeks ago), Nurse went to her church service and then turned around and wrote something. I want to share it with you: "Since October 10th time has stood still for me here. The sun set on my soul and has not risen yet. The longest night presses on and the daylight has never come. I am learning patience but it is so difficult. I see women drop and hit concrete several times a day and night. We are tortured by punishing circumstances and stand for hours without chairs. Sleeping block cells on metal bunks 3 feet separating us and lights on at all times. I hear about punishment and pain and feel it deeply every moment I am here. It is night in our soul. Thank you for your prayers, .."Every link in the chain..." Romans 7:15-8:2 A chain is only as strong as its weakest link - and so our society - it's future - is at the mercy eventually of its worst members. I see these people every day, it's lowest moral standards, its most elemental cruelty. For human nature, like water, seeks it's lowest level. All without God. If it were not true, America would be emerging better, cleaner, finer - less violent, more loving than she was fifty year ago. After two hundred years of existence she would have by now nearly abolished crime, immortality, perversion, godlessness and all greed. Utopia would be within sight - for never in all of recorded history has a nation been so lavished with material and intellectual blessings. But this hasn't happened, Why? It is natural to blame the demise on the governing parties, economic indiscretion, international faux pas and various groups of society. But the fact remains that what we are experiencing today is the accumulation of the acts of millions of us imperfect people upon each other. Individual greed, selfishness, God-rebellion, immortality, and materialism, all multiplied thousands of times. Take yourself and multiply your weaknesses, your sins by the number of people in the U.S.; then by the number of people in the world, and you will have a picture of the quality of the chain by which we are all trying to life ourselves up. Pray for the sunrise to come. For me to get out of here and be kept safe while I am here. Pray for patience and understanding. Just one of you can make a difference. God's will in any circumstances is more far reaching than we dream. Make good decisions. Look at wikipedia for FMC Carswell and taste my daily/nightly life. Forgive and excuse my indifference by thinking I cannot be used by God. Thank him for your lives and your freedoms. Hug one another and continue to pray. Help us remember we are no better than another without God. Be faithful. Pray for me. I stand in the gap for you. I think of you all often. I wonder if this month has lasted as long for you. Where you think I am or what you think I look like now, having lost 100 pounds (9 this week). They do not give me any supplements, they feed us the worst spoiled foods with sick laughter. They take away prescriptions vital to our existence yet sustain us here to live out our punishment. Some around me are here for life, some for 6 months. Mothers and daughters, murderers, mafia, white collar. I am here too. In disbelief I wake every day and the sunrise has yet to come. There is no place else I can go. I don't know what this week will hold but I know that prayer changes things. Pray for relationships, for the old ones and the babies. Be blessed..." (NURSE).
Nurse and I may have different religions and be here for different crimes, but we all experience the same reality. There is so little good here. We become observers of obscenity, crime, disregard, pain, punishment, and greed every moment of every day. My thoughts are with Nurse at this moment. We all have our lowest moments here, and now it is her turn. There's nothing anyone can do. We can all just acknowledge the unfairness of the darkness in this place and support each other through the roughest patches. How hard it is to explain this to those on the outside. Those whose eyes have not seen such behavior and pain. It is not the worst in society - there are those trying to survive in places like Darfur or on the streets of any major city. There are those who survived the horrors of the Holocaust, and refuse to speak of their memories. Such memories are almost gone forever (except in writings, books, and movies). I write this so that there is record of these memories, here at Carswell. They are not like the horrors of WWII, but they are our own personal wars - wars within ourselves to stay strong and survive - to support each other and even laugh once in a while. For those who are here for life, I don't know how they survive, for the rest of us, we just count down the days and pray that somehow, our time will be shortened. I join Nurse in saying that it is "night in my soul." The darkness never retreats.
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