The Broken Anklet

I've worn it for about 14 months or so on my left ankle. It was yellow and blue and made of a string that was lighter on one end and darker on the other. I remember sitting in my bunk and choosing the strings and deciding which pattern I would follow to make the end product. It likely took me about an hour or a bit longer all said and done. I finished it off with a special slip knot so if I had to it could quickly be taken off my ankle. These are not allowed at Carswell, although I made them frequently for others and so did many other people. Bracelets often were confiscated, anklets were safer, because when in uniform and outside our units, they were under our socks. Once I put mine on, I never took it off. Not once. It may have been made of string, but it was something I made and it was a symbol of my individuality. When I walked around my unit in shorts and fake crocs the officers could see it, but others had them too, they were of little concern as long as we were staying out of trouble.

Once I was home, I looked at my anklet all the time. It was starting to fray. Things like this do not usually last beyond a summer at camp (the place I learned to make them). It was stretching out. I kept trying to make it tighter. I made the decision that I would not take it off until Lola was home. When I made the anklet for me, I also made anklets for Freckles and Lola. Freckles is home. Lola still needs to come home. I don't know if she still has hers.

I write of this because it broke off tonight and I'm very upset. I know that Lola has at least a half year yet before she could possibly be going to her HWH. I know the anklet was just a symbol, but I looked at it every day and said a prayer for Lola. I will still do so, but I wanted that connection. I may try to tie it back on tomorrow if I can. It's no longer pretty, but I do not care about that.

I left Carswell 9 months ago. Wow that's as long as I was there. I have not seen Lola in almost a year based on when they moved her. It may have been a long time ago, but I don't want her to ever think that just because I am out and she's still there, I am not thinking of her or that I do not value the friendship she gave me. I may not be able to be a great friend to her due to BOP guidelines, but I will find ways symbolically to stay connected.

The Monthly Report

Like clockwork as it is set to do, I hear the ring - beep, beep, beep... I look to my phone. It is my monthly reminder that my supervision report is due. I also have to pay my 10% restitution based on my gross income for last month. Snoozing the alarm is not an option. There is a deadline and I do not intend to miss it.

The first thing I do once I make sure I am on my computer and ready, is bring up the document I have that gives me all my logins and passwords. Everything is on government websites and none of the logins are easy to remember or changeable. I put everything in a safe and secure place that I know to look to when it's time to do my report and payment.

I usually do my payment first, because I will need to provide the amount in the report, although as long as I know the amount, the order does not matter. Some jurisdictions allow for online payments and others require mailed in payments or allow for phone in payments. Your PO may not actually know. Usually the website for the clerk of the court you were sentenced in has the answer or you can call and ask. My PO lets me pay after the month is complete, that's a conversation to have with your PO about when they expect payments to be paid.

Once I know I've made my payment, I log onto the website for monthly reports. Every federal person on supervision is using the same website so make sure you have a decent internet connection. It is not the most advanced technology.

The questions are pretty basic and most answers are kept from month to month, so I only have to edit changes - even my financials stay in there. I always have to edit the end balances of my bank accounts. I suppose that's a way to ensure we are paying attention. I mean most people wouldn't have the exact same balance in their checking month after month. I had to put in that I had to pay a parking ticket that T.S. got when she parked my car one day. I entered the amount I paid in my restitution. Most months that is the same - 10% of my graduate assistant stipend.

I always review the full report before hitting submit, nervous that I missed something or wrote something incorrectly. I just don't want to do anything that could misrepresent the truth. I haven't had any trouble with my reports so far, but like so many other rituals within the DOJ, I have no idea if and how they are used.

In a month I will likely be packing up my house, just days away from moving to our new digs when I will hear those beeps reminding me that it is once again time to do my report. I will sit down next to my computer, pay my 10% and fill out my report. This time I will need to ensure my PO knows that my address is about to change. Other than that, most answers will continue to be the same. Most likely, of course. The monthly report. The reminder that I am still not free.

Midterms

I've decided that midterms are some sort of hazing ritual that should be made unlawful, just like hazing at fraternities/ sororities. Having every course have exams and papers due at the same time is just mean. People should not be forced to cram study/ write for learning. That is not the best way to learn anything! Plus, since new material was still being taught just last week, there is no way to fully be prepared in advance. 

For me, I have just two courses to worry about, but both midterms are a substantial percentage of my final grades. Other than organizing my notes and knowing my readings for my org theory course, there was no way to prepare for that midterm. Last night the professor posted five questions. My midterm is to choose three and write responses to them - 1700 words per response. It is due Friday. Sounds doable, if my statistics midterm was not smack dab right in the middle of this week...

I've taken statistics before. I've done well in statistics before. Statistics scares me every time I take it! I fully understand about 50% of the content and try my best with the other 50%. There are a lot of stats tests to know, interpret, calculate, differentiate, etc. this stats class bypassed my last stats class by the third week! It goes fast!!! So, for the last week I've studied stats: t-tests, chi-square, hypothesis testing, type I and type II errors, independent and dependent variables, z-scores, normal curves, kurtosis, skewness, binomials, factorials, and more. I can't even imagine what studying for the final will be like!

I love graduate school, but I don't think that rituals such as midterms are necessary for graduate students. Projects that have us synthesize our knowledge and utilize what we are learning are far more valuable. Yes, I will be doing that too. Today I will spend half my day studying, perhaps outlining one of the questions for the org theory midterm as well, and then I will go to work for my afternoon. Tonight, I will come home and have dinner, and then I will once again go back to studying until I can no longer stare at a computer screen.

At least once this week's ritual is complete, the grand ritual of Spring Break will occur and I will have myself a one week break from all of this... Except for my thesis. I have to start my official proposal!

Scaling Down

It's hard to imagine my life prior to incarceration. I lived in a two bedroom, two full bathroom apartment to myself. Every storage space was full of my stuff and I hoarded even more in corners, on desks and shelves, and in cabinets. I had stuff. I've always complicated my life carrying around boxes of things for that rainy day I may want to have them.

I cleared out many of those things with Traveler's help before my incarceration. Many were boxed up and put in storage and then brought to where I now live with Sporty. When I moved back in here, I moved into the second bedroom all set up for me. Only a few of my most important boxes were unpacked, everything else remained boxed in the basement. Eight months later, not a single additional box has been unpacked.

There are several reasons for this. First of all, there's just no room for all my things. Unless I wanted to redo the home, I would become a true hoarder trying to fit everything somewhere. Second, I knew we would be moving at some point, so I'd go through it then. Finally, other than a couple things I really missed, I honestly had no idea what I was missing!

So sad, a life of collecting things and unless they are in front of me, I forget they even exist. Honestly, I learned to appreciate having far less "things" while incarcerated. The most important items in those boxes are photos, a couple items from my travels abroad, and journals. There's also some artwork I appreciate.

So, for the next several weeks Sporty and I have a deal. As long as we are in town (I will be out of town for spring break), we will empty at least one box per day. Many items are going to Goodwill, others are being resorted into boxes for our moves, and many trash bags are being filled. Every box is going through a full inspection and being emptied. So far we have gone through seven boxes and have not even fully packed three new ones. That is progress.

Books may always be the item I have the hardest time getting rid of. I just have an affinity for the written word, especially books I loved reading. They are such a hassle to haul around, but every one is a treasure. I'm trying to practice giving one away for every one I keep. I suppose that is progress as well.

I hope we can continue to make progress at these steps toward pairing down a bit. It can be hard at times. The end result is a much simpler life. I certainly can handle that for a while.