It is Official - I'm Back!!!!

I received an official email this afternoon congratulating me as a new admit as a doctoral student in the criminal justice college at my University. One would think that my earlier admission simply back into the University and into the graduate school would have been the biggest news for me. It probably should have been. However, having spent this past semester and currently, taking courses toward a Master's Degree in Criminal Justice, I've questioned whether I've gone this path because it appeared open to me as I was trying to figure out "what next?" or if I really belonged on this new journey.

I have to admit, I love studying criminal justice. I loved studying education and everything I learned I take with me into the field of criminal justice and will apply to what I do as a Professor and, hopefully, in service to the future University I work with. However, I truly believe I had this experience of imprisonment as a way to help make change in this world. No one should have to experience some of the realities I witnessed while I was locked up. Some were so atrocious, I could not even write about them as I knew the blog was monitored. Of course, I could never name names and will never do so. However, it is not just about Carswell, it is about the inequities in crime and punishment. It is about how we treat non-violent offenders. It is about sentencing guidelines that make no sense with the majority of people who commit the crimes. It's about the fact that a one-year sentence vs. a 10 year sentence has shown no different in effectiveness for deterrence to crime. It is about the fact that the real services that people need in prisons are not being provided. It is about the fact that the healthcare within the prison system is entirely inadequate and at times inhumane. Etc. I cannot fix everything. But, I cannot be silent. The way I have a voice, is through my research, my teaching, and my writing.

So this evening, when I received the email, just a couple sentenced letting me know that I was admitted into one of the top CJ programs in the country - a very competitive program - one that will fund me throughout my doctoral studies and support me and my research interests - I sat down and was speechless. If you can guess, it takes A LOT to make me speechless. I didn't even announce it on FaceBook for a couple hours (a miracle!!!). My eyes welled up in tears and I only sent out a couple texts to my closest people and that was it. They accepted me. I'm officially a doctoral student again. Just six months out from prison and nearly halfway done with my Master's Degree in CJ (a 2 year degree that I am completing in 1 year), and I was accepted into the program. I will be able to transfer in some of those CJ doctoral credits I've been taking and some other credits and I should be able to finish completely within about 4 years (2019 graduation) as long as I don't get too ill or lose my focus on what I choose to do for my dissertation.

So, how does someone who has just been admitted to the doctoral program spend her evening? I just mapped out all my classes for the next four years and have a plan to get me to graduation. This nerd is ready to take on her new PhD program. It officially starts in Fall, 2015 as I have to complete this Master's Degree first. I've done a lot of thinking about this step of having to complete the Master's Degree and I am grateful that since I approached the department in July, it was the only way "into" the college - since school started in August and PhD applicants can only be selected during the January application process. It has helped me work my program of acceptance, being humble, and realizing that I need to trust my higher power. I have learned a great deal this year and need this knowledge to be successful in the doctoral program. So, no regrets at all. That's the thing about trusting opportunities - as long as they seem to be leading you to where you may want to go, you need to take the chance!

One year ago I wrote a blog about how my life would be so different in a year and nothing about prison would matter. I was wrong on the second part. Life in prison definitely matters, because it has helped me know how I am going to help others in the future. However, my life is incredibly different than it was a year ago. A year ago I questioned if I would ever be a student again, yet I had a hope that I would get back into my University. I promised all of you that I would. I did. I also promised that I would fight to be a PhD student again. I am happy to report that step is complete as well.

For everyone who also has a history with a felony, I understand that it is hard to have so many people tell us that we "can't." I'm like a broken record when I talk about and write about "second chances" when I have talked with admissions, etc. about my story. I use my story as an asset, rather than a hinderance. If we are honest about our mistakes and share our lessons and show our humility, we are much more likely to get to where we need to get to in life. It is when we blame everyone else in the world and take no responsibility that life just gets harder and harder for us. I know that no one is "giving" me this opportunity. I am earning it through hard work and a lot of perseverance. Anyone can do this. It does not matter where we start --- what matters is where we finish!! We have to stop looking back and just start looking forward.

Federal Supervision Overload

I've been in contact with my parole officer a lot lately... too much for comfort if I do say so myself. When I received permission to go to the GA conference in Lexington, part of that permission required me to leave messages with my PO every step of the way. Each trip I make has its own set of rules. For this trip, I called him when we set off on the road, when we arrived in Lexington, and when we finished the conference and started heading back. Each time resulted in a short message on his voicemail with an update of my trip.

Just prior to going, I had to call him and tell him that I'd been stopped by a police officer for speeding on campus. My honesty got me out of a ticket that time. The fact that the officer immediately knew that I was on federal supervision was a little unnerving but comes with the territory, I suppose.

Then, as I was filling out my monthly online report early this week, I realized that I'd talked with someone at the conference that had been incarcerated before - I mentioned her here on the blog as the person who had spent time at Lexington. Well, out of the requirements of supervision, in one of my messages to my PO over the weekend, I'd mentioned it to him as well. What that meant, is that I had to answer that question in the positive on my monthly report, which was the first time I'd done so. I wanted to talk to my PO and make sure that was the case. I don't even remember the woman's name and know nothing of the details of her crime. This time, my PO called me back and Yes, I do have to report it. So, in filling out my monthly report, I put the small amount of details of having an interaction with another felon. My PO told me that it will not adversely affect me in any way, it is just protocol to report it. It was interesting in answering the questions, as I hadn't realized that many people probably have to say, "yes," all the time due to family members and other close relations having past felonies.

Then, my PO calls me and tells me that I have an 80 question survey that I need to fill out. Since I am just past 6 months, it's my guess that I need to fill this out every 6 months, because it is the same survey I filled out right at the beginning. I had to make my way over to my PO's office and it took me about 7 minutes to complete. It's one of those surveys that wants to make sure we are really sorry for our criminal acts to ensure we do not still have criminal thoughts, that we are not blaming the world for our punishments, that we are thinking clearly, etc. Every so often, there is a question thrown in that you should answer in the opposite of all the other questions, just to be sure you ARE paying attention to the actual questions on the survey. I write surveys, I know what to do on this. I answered honestly, nonetheless! Truth be told, without recovery, I would not have the clear mind to really understand things the way I understand them today. I always blamed myself, of course, but I thought of myself as broken, instead of really understanding underlying addiction and irrational thinking and actions. In recovery, I have the ability to have rational thoughts and choices over my actions, in addiction, I honestly could not be trusted to make any rational decisions or choices.

Given all the above, I don't want to have to make the call I need to make later today... every interaction - big or small - with police must be reported. T.S. parked my car this morning and it received a parking ticket. Sounds too small to report, right? But even an infraction with my car shows up in his office. So, once again, I have to contact my PO. Here I am wanting favors and to get off supervision, and in a short period of time I get stopped for speeding (it was 37 in a 25) and now a parking ticket. They are small infractions, but I for one want none. When on supervision the idea is to keep ourselves out of trouble. I got a little frustrated this morning - not so much with T.S., but with my inability to "control" - which is far outside of working my GA recovery program. I just need to go with the flow, I guess. What will happen, will happen.

I guess I better stop writing and give my PO a call... good thing it'll probably be his voicemail...

29 Days on Whole30

Wednesday is officially day 30 of my Whole30 food elimination. For the past 29 days I have intentionally not ingested any grains, legumes, dairy, or sugars (except those naturally in foods like fruits). I've learned to read every food label. I never knew how many ways labels hid "sugar" in products with fancy names. I've learned about healthy fats (coconut oils/olive oil) and whole foods and nitrates and grass fed meats and organic and preservatives and nightshade veggies and even a little of how to cook better. It's been quite the month!

I'm not done. Over the next month, I will slowly reintroduce foods into my system. I'm starting with rice. I was once told by a naturopath that I may have an intolerance for rice. I'll find out on thurs/fri when I may have a reaction to eating it on Thursday. I will stay eating my whole30 on Friday/Saturday. Then I'll introduce something else on Sunday. It'll be that rotation for just over a month. 

I'll write down any symptoms I have to foods. They could include gut issues, headaches, inflammation, sleeping problems, skin reaction, etc. If I react to a food, then I make the decision to include it in my future diet or not. Somehow this past weekend something I ate was contaminated and I got really swollen - Unfortunately, I have no idea what food it was, but once I reintroduce the culprit and it happens again, I will be taking it out of my diet permanently!

I'm thinking about continuing Paleo after completing the reintroduction of foods. I really enjoy not having so much processed food in my life. I may do a specific autoimmune protocol that is a bit more food limiting for a bit as I read that people actually get off their medications. That would be something!!! Even if I could just slow down the progression of my illness, I'd be ecstatic.

I'm not sure how much weight I've lost. I know I've lost some pounds and some inches. That's good. What I like the most is that my energy is more consistent and I don't feel hungry all the time. The food all tastes so great too! I can't say enough about how much I have enjoyed the whole30 experience. Joy may have introduced me to it, but it's brought me a lot of joy myself!

FCI Lexington

This weekend, I attended a GA conference in Lexington, Kentucky. It was a fantastic conference. It was not the biggest gambler's anonymous conference I've been to, but it did not need to be. It had people who worked a serious recovery program and the workshops were wonderful. I met people from at least six states and many people with more than 20 years of recovery. I love hearing their stories and learning from those who have successfully continued their recovery for so long. It's an important part of my recovery to meet new people and getting to different conferences is always a learning experience.

Before leaving Lexington this morning, I reached for my phone and mapped out the directions to FCI Lexington. FCI Lexington is primarily a men's medical facility - much like Carswell is for women. It also has an adjacent minimum security women's satellite camp. Lola started her imprisonment at the Lexington satellite camp and Mama is there now (she was transferred there before the holidays). I'm so glad Mama is there - her parents and her children now can visit her every weekend! That's the way it should be. People should not be placed thousands of miles away from home. Had I not had a medical issue, I may have been placed at that camp.

I just felt like it was important to drive to the space, think about Mama, and to say the serenity prayer. Turned out that I was only 12 minutes away from the prison...

Seeing the sign say "federal medical center" felt a little too much like Carswell, but I knew that this place is nothing like Carswell. There are five medical centers for men and only one for women, so their experiences are different - they don't house all classifications of security together. They may have men at the same facilities that have different security levels, but they will house them in different kinds of units. They have separate medical facilities for cancer treatments (Butner) and mental health (Devens). The administrative units house all levels, but no place is like Carswell, Carswell is like an experiment on how much stress you can cause women who do not belong in a secured prison filled with fairly violent individuals. Truth be told, most the people I met were fairly decent women. There were just some scary ones thrown in that made the whole experience not so good. 

I actually met a woman at the conference this weekend who did about 15 months at Lexington for a crime related to her gambling. She said that it was like living at a really bad college dorm. I said that was nothing like my experience in prison. That's the thing... every prison is so different - just like Freckles at the HWH. Her experience is so different than my own. Plus, this woman I met was at a camp - what I was sentenced to - but I went to the FMC... as I've said before - avoid an FMC if you can!!!

Mama is doing well at Lexington, I believe. That's good. Not I got to see where she is. It makes me feel better knowing this. Unfortunately, a car pulled up behind Sporty and I as we were taking this picture and another and we continued for a second down the road until we realized we were about to get to the point of no return and I'd actually be headed TO THE PRISON. Let me tell you, that's the LAST place I plan to go!!! So I stopped so the car could pass me and I could back up. Well, as the car passed by me, the person driving looked over at us with the meanest eyes and the man was dressed as a C.O. and looked so mad and I KNEW that look and it brought me right back to my life at Carswell and I wanted to be anywhere than on the property of a federal prison!!!! We slowly backed the car up and stopped back at the main sign. I took Sporty's hand and said...

"God, grant me the serenity (Sporty joined in...)

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the courage to know the difference..."

That serenity prayer was for Mama, it was for all the prisoners who are housed there. It was for all the people who will be there in the future and it was for me.

We drove away and started our drive back to home.