Moving Day

Today marked the day of moving all my belongings out of my apartment into a storage unit where they will sit for one month. Then, while I am incarcerated, my friend Sporty will take them out of storage as she moves into our new townhouse, which I will share with her upon my release. I'm crossing every "t" and dotting every "i".

My health and issues with my lower extremities make me a useless mover, so I had to depend entirely on the good will of friends and their friends. I hired some movers who never showed. Typical. We did need some more muscle, so I called every hauler I could find on Craigslist and finally found a guy who came with his friend. They were the help we needed at the right time. It wasn't the smoothest move, but definitely not the toughest, and no one and no furniture was destroyed, so, I am leaving content-  with a job well done. 

My friend Traveler planned the whole thing, so once again I'm amazed at how lucky I am to have the love and support of so many generous and inspiring people!! Also, Cowboy, my friend from my hometown, also in GA, was driving through and decided to stop by and help. That's the work of his recovery program through and through. I will not necessarily be able to do directly back for them anytime soon, but I can certainly PAY IT FORWARD. And I shall!!!

I will live at Cache's apartment for the week until I leave. We shared my Internet, so we need to get our Doctor Who downloaded to keep watching. At least I know I won't be alone my last week in town

Continued Gossip and Unfriending

The rumor has spread and a small group of colleagues have chosen to send me nearly identical messages a couple hours apart essentially telling me that they learned about my past, think I'm a horrible person, know I'm going to prison, and never want to talk to me again. These are people in my classes, research colleagues, and in a top ranked phd program. This is what I wrote back to the first one today:

"I am very sad to read this as I've always had so much respect for you. You are certainly entitled to your beliefs and I will honor them. I want you to know that reading an indictment is not reading facts. It is what the prosecutor hopes to prove. I chose to plea guilty and my plea does not include many of the arguments the prosecutor made. I never claimed my current leave was for health reasons, but for personal reasons, which was supported by [our university's] ombudsman and is not a lie. I am going to a medical facility. I struggled for 14 years with a horrible addiction that nearly took my life. Today, I am able to be a different person, make amends, and be in school because of intense therapy and my 12 step program. In education you will work with many educators and youth needing second chances, I have not run away from my past. I never lied and I face everything one day at a time."

I chose not to write back to anyone else. They each messaged me on Facebook and then proceeded to unfriend me. It was so similar in wording and action that it became obvious that they each knew what the others were doing. They timed it all out, so I would receive emails at different times, each affecting me, just a bit more.

This same behavior is seen in junior high and high school and is referred to as bullying. Can a 40 year old woman be bullied by colleagues younger than she? One of my classmates wrote that they hope I am never allowed to return to my university or my program. Such anger, such manipulation. Do I have a right to question the behavior of others when I am the one who is a felon?

Well, I certainly did a bad thing, but that does not make me a bad person. I never lied to these people, I chose to keep a part of my life private. They were not my inner circle. There is no responsibility in life to tell everyone everything. Should every woman reveal the abortion she may have had to have? The time her dad beat her mom? The day she drank too much and regrets her actions? The world she lived before she changed her life for the better? The answer is no. No for everyone. 

My friend wrote in response to today's incidents to another friend "I think the very people she chose not to tell are showing exactly why she chose not to tell them.  They are not friends to [her].  She is surrounded by many friends and family who love and admire her."

So, yeah, today was a horrible day, but inevitably, my friends, my real friends, my chosen family, come through and show me that I am loved and I need to put all my energy on that and not waste my time on those who don't even give me a chance to give my story. They are obviously able to cast stones unworried.

Are We Victims?

The individual who de-friended me earlier this week got a phrase stuck in my head. Not a phrase I am personally "owning," but one that has kept me thinking. In her rage of a text she was talking about the people my white collar crime hurt years ago. The ones I've cried about so many times, and she wrote, "and you're the victim?" I never said I was a victim. I was an addict. Addiction is an explanation, but not an excuse. I thought perhaps criminal charges would be filed immediately, like in most cases, but it took nearly five years for no reason. The prosecutors office wasn't waiting for any evidence. It just sat. They gave me time to get well, to make amends, to change myself. People who commit crimes should be punished, but the punishment should fit the crime and be timely. There are some crimes so outrageous that there are no statutes of limitations or extremely long ones, but there is a reason that for other types of crimes, at some point, we as a society let it go. If the offender has not gotten in trouble again with the law, perhaps it is time to move on. Important to remember that the purpose of criminal law is to punish the wrongdoer, not make the victims whole.

However, the truth is that our legal system is not always fair and just. Although, I will face my sentence with dignity and feel in the end it is fair, although much time has passed.  Racism, classism, and other forms of discrimination affect the sentencing of criminals sometimes. Also, if, like in my case, even the probation office feels that prison is not the right place for someone, it doesn't seem right that the judge ignores entirely the place the defendant is in, their growth, medical condition, fact that they can better pay restitution if out of prison, etc. Also, we all read at times about judges just going overboard and giving maximum sentences (which I did not get by any means) to people who literally made unfortunate mistakes, who will now be away from their families for years. Truth is, to me, sometimes, some people in prisons are also victims.

Plus, and I'm sure few will talk about it, if I were to go around the women's prison I go to and ask honestly about how many of those women were raped, molested, beaten, or battered, I imagine we will see way too many hands raised. So many women become victims too early in their lives, they lose their innocence and depending how often it happened how well it was handled inside and/or outside the family, they either became victims or survivors in their heads, their hearts, and their ability to deal with life on life's terms.

So, who is the victim? Sometimes, I'm just not sure.

Deep in the Heart of Texas

Today while interviewing the woman who will be hired to take my job starting August 15th, she mentioned that she's been to about 30 states. It immediately made me competitive (in my head only) as I wanted to say, "I've been to all 50." Which is true. Some long road trips during college breaks )with a good friend when I was not invited home) led me through most of the states. I was fortunate to fly to Hawaii and Alaska in my mid-20s, and rounded it out with my very last state at the age of 27 - Texas. Yes, with such a large country, the last state is huge and south central, but somehow I'd avoided it until I had a conference for a weekend in Austin. Now, 13 years later, it will be my home for a long while, hopefully no more than 319 days.

I will be in Fort Worth. Friends keep asking me exactly where that is located compared to Houston, Austin, or Dallas. I suppose providing our loved ones with maps of local areas would be a good idea. Prisons don't tend to be in the middle of towns (like jails).

I thought I would share some interesting facts about The Lone Star State. Texas comes from the Hasinai Native American word tejas meaning friends or allies. For some reason, I find that ironic. They killed off the entire Hasinai tribe. 

Texas includes 267,339 square miles, or 7.4% of the U.S.' total area.

This does not surprise me, "it is still a hanging offense in Texas to steal cattle or to put graffiti on someone else’s cow. It is also illegal to indecently expose or swear in front of a corpse in Texas. In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose on the beach."

The city of Slaughter, Texas, has never had a homicide. 

Texas experiences the most tornadoes in the United States, with an average of 139 per year. Tornadoes occur most often in North Texas and the Panhandle.

State BirdMockingbird

State TreePecan

State Motto“Friendship”

State FlowerBluebonnet

State DishChili

State GrassSideoats Grama

State GemTopaz

State StonePalmwood

State Mammal (large)Texas Longhorn

State Flying MammalFree-tailed Bat

State InsectMonarch Butterfly 

State FishGuadalupe Bass

State VegetableOnion

State FiberCotton 

State FruitRed Grapefruit

State StonePetrified Palmwood

State PepperJalapeno

State SportRodeo

State ShrubCrape Myrtle

State DanceSquare Dance

Something tells me, they will not be practicing the state dance where I'm going.

I figured I write an awful lot about going inside Carswell, I just figured it would be appropriate to set the context of the state in which it sits.

Preparing Now for Life After

I've been told and read about the last part of our sentence. Many things could occur, and there are things we can do now to help prepare for the best scenario. Many people spend some time at a halfway house closer to their home and others actually get home confinement. This is before the end of their prison term- usually about 10% maximum. It is a way to transition us back into the community.

I have read that we should prepare an envelope with a copy of our birth certificate, drivers licenses, and social security card and leave it with someone we trust who will send it to us when it is requested. My guess is that these are the documents needed to obtain our job. I hope I will be allowed to return to school and work on campus. However, there are no federal halfway houses near where I live. The closest one is over an hour away, so I suppose I may have to do another job during that portion of my sentencing.

I was told that if we want home confinement instead of a hwh, as I do, we need to start the process with the prison immediately. This means knowing of an address where there is a landline where I will go for home confinement. I must be able to show a phone  that indicates there are no features, such as call forwarding, on the phone because it is prohibited.

For me, whether I get a hwh or go right into home confinement, I have three years of supervised release after prison. That may have some of those same rules. I'm very, very fortunate, though. My good friend (like family) Sporty, has decided to move from where I used to live to where I live now to help enable T.S. to have in-state tuition. In turn, we will once again be roommates and I will have a home to come "home" to. She has already agreed to all the requirements of the "phone line" and will be ready to talk with probation when they want to look at my release home. One of the best parts of this arrangement is that if I do have house arrest, I get to also get the companionship of my former dog that I raised with Sporty and T.S. who is certified as a therapy dog. Something tells me that I may need a lot of dog "therapy" after my months at Carswell.

Anyway, we are all doing a lot to prepare ourselves for going into our respective prisons, it is also very important to start preparing for our releases (no matter how long it may seem away).

The actual "therapy dog" referred to in this post.

      

Just in Case

As my final days of freedom for 2013 are coming to a close, I'm wrapping up important things I need to do - especially those "just in case" things. I recently saw my neurologist and received a copy of my medical record from him, telling him exactly what is happening. If my health takes a turn while I'm in prison, my doctors on the outside are my best advocates, but only if they know. I already did the same with my general practitioner, although we are doing one more follow up just before I go, and I will repeat my story with my Rhumatoligist on Monday. Each time, I'm getting a full copy of my medical records. I'm bringing them with me to my self surrender so my medications have support. I'm also leaving a copy with Survivor and with Faith (my friend taking on all my medical advocacy and who is also my health care proxy).

That's right, I finally did it. I drafted my health care power of attorney, my living will, my property power of attorney, and a hippa release, as well as a last will and testament today. I've written these documents so many times for other people, but it was really weird writing my own. I have a friend reading them over to ensure they read okay and then I'll get them notarized. Originals will go into Cache's safety deposit box and copies will go to the relevant people. Signed, sealed, and delivered. Of all the documents, writing my will was the oddest and most difficult. I included a small memorandum of just a few items I wanted special distribution of, the rest would go to those listed in my will. There are so many I would want to recognize, but I had to stop and realize that my loved ones will each ask for what they want and hopefully those I named as heirs will be open to giving that. Although, I do not plan on dying for at least a half century. But, we must be prepared.

Another health related appointment I made, as Faith had insisted (she is a good health proxy) is with an eye doctor. I wear glasses all the time. If for some reason my glasses break in prison, I am authorized to have a new pair shipped to me. Faith is set to do so, but can only order some if I have a prescription within 1 year of ordering. Faith knows of a great website where I can select my frames and everything now, so all she has to do is order them if I need them. They are inexpensive too. I actually had a nice surprise at the optometrist today, he had to recheck my eyes multiple times perplexed, it appears my medications are improving my eyesight, which is extremely rare. He was checking to see if it was a mistake. But it wasn't. He offered me a free follow up in a month to see if it continued, as it is so rare, but alas, I told him I will be out of town for a while.

There are so many little things we need to do to prepare. Sure, we can choose not to. A lot of people don't even get the chance to self surrender. But a little bit of inconvenience could probably make our lives a whole lot easier once we lose our ability to have access to much of anything.

11 days til self surrender.

Doctor Who

My neighbor, Cache, and I like to spend time together NOT talking about our stress, my leaving, illness, or dieting. We like to watch movies and tv shows that entertain us, make us laugh, and allow us to get out of our heads for a while. Cache introduced me to Doctor Who at the end of spring, just before I knew my sentencing to prison. Before that, I honestly believed house arrest was a very real option and I imagined night after night of Cache and I sitting in my apartment watching The Doctor fly through space and time in his TARDIS, saving the human race and any other species deserving to continue to exist. Instead, we try to get 1-2, sometimes we are crazy and just can't stop and do more, episodes in a night, and see how far I can get before I have to leave. She's seen them all. I'm about 1/2 way through season five. I think there's a lot about watching Doctor Who that is actually poinient to the world in which I am about to enter.

The Doctor blindly enters new worlds knowing there's danger, but not quite sure of what the danger is. At his core is his need in keeping those he cares about safe. He uses his intelligence, not weapons (generally), to outsmart opponents and survive. He can't wait to get beyond his current dangerous situation and find freedom once again.

The Doctor needs companionship to be successful in the long run. He gets lonely and like most people, can't do everything without help. This is not a need for a sexual relationship, but for someone to care about and who cares about him.

I see many parallels between that and how I will survive my next 10 or so months. Perhaps I'm just wanting to write a blog about Doctor Who, but it's been a wonderful way to have a healthy escape with the company of Cache as I face my distant unknown world.

Sex, Affection, and Relationships in Prison

So, I'm running low on days to write this blog post before my self surrender, so I suppose now is the right time. If anyone reading this blog has watched "Orange is the New Black," they have seen a lot of prison sex. Well, while the free reign of locations and time do not really exist in women's prisons, sex does happen. To my utter amazement, one academic study noted that 75-80% of women in prison engage in some sort of same-sex "coupling or relationships" that include some sort of sexual favor. I thought perhaps I would write a bit about what I've read.

First, it seems to make little difference as to the sexual orientation of the woman in prison. Some call it, "gay for the stay." Others just refer to it as the necessary need to have intimacy and affection. Sexual favors do not always include something which leads to orgasm. In many prisons, women who are identified as lesbians or who are not very feminine are considered "studs." The other women are considered femmes. In many prisons it is the femmes that let the studs know they are interested, but if caught, it is often the stud that is penalized. COs often keep a close eye on anyone known to be a lesbian (homophobia alive and well in the prison system even though there are some really amazing policies and anti-discrimination training against doing so). 

Second, families of sorts form in prison. These may or may not include some form of sexual play. These "families" are often made up of a stud and femme who have a strong bond and close relationship along with a couple young, maybe 20-something, inmates who are like their children. They will act as mentors for these younger offenders and protect them from the dangers of prison. There will be no sexual relationship with these younger offenders, but as a "family," all will be expected to have each other's backs and to do favors for each other and help one another out. With the younger offenders that are more masculine in the "family," they may be called "boy" and a more feminine one "girl," this is part of the role playing. So hearing inmates refer to others as, "mom, dad, sister, brother, boy, girl, etc." don't do a funny face or assume mom or sister means blood. It may mean within the confines of the prison walls. A family of protection, affection, intimacy, survival, and friendship.

Third, even if all this scares the heck out of you, don't be afraid of a little affection. Just because a woman hugs you, holds your hand, or offers you some comfort, does not mean she wants to have sex with you or to make you her "prison wife." You will still need friendships and affection when you are in prison. And more often than not, these are women just like you, scared, loved ones at home, and just lonely.

Know whatever your boundaries are and don't cross those boundaries. "No," still means, "no." Whatever you decide to do, know that it is against the prison rules to engage in any sexual activity in prison (although as mentioned above, it occurs), so if your goal is to do your time and get out, following the rules and keeping a low profile will help. At the same time, do not be a snitch on others if you don't want to be on the wrong side of a fight or thrown in the SHU for your own protection.

As for me, I am currently in a place in my life where sex couldn't be further from my list of priorities. I do enjoy some affection and imagining choosing to go nearly a year without allowing anyone to ever even give me a friendship hug is a bit insane. I will not put boundaries on affection that is allowed in prison, but I choose to only engage in such behavior that will not risk my good time off. I have too much to come home to and too many people I can't wait to hug back home!!

A Friendship Lost

It's the first one. The first time since I entered recovery. I have lost a friend because they cannot support me due to my past. It won't be the last time. This is the same woman I wrote about yesterday, who I learned had broken my trust. I reached out to her to ask her why. Her explanation seemed to point to the idea that she found my indictment online, read it, decided I'm a monster based on the accusations, and that I lied to her. As anyone in the criminal legal system knows, an indictment is not filled with proven facts, but one sided evidence to see if there is enough to move forward and arrest/bring a defendant to court. More than half the stuff in my indictment was swiped out of my plea agreement. It doesn't matter though. People will choose to believe what they want to believe. I have lost a friend and I need to just let her go.

At the same time, I have no right to make any of my other friends uncomfortable with their friendships with this person. She has every right to feel however she does about me, and while she did not show any integrity by not coming to me or telling someone to google my indictment rather than just tell them to talk to me, I will simply just walk away from her. I will not waste my time and energy with anger, because I can't change her actions or the past or her reaction to my past crime. I cannot force her to understand addiction or recovery. I lost almost all my friends before I came into recovery, and now, being a felon, I'm sure there are closed minded people who will judge me in the future as well.

For me I learn a great lesson from this about passing judgment on others. So often we fail to try to understand "why" a person made a bad choice or a mistake. I used to be very judgmental. Since I came into recovery 5 years ago, I went from judgmental to incredibly curious. I'm curious on why a person makes the choices they do. I try to hold judgment to when I have enough details (the researcher in me). I'm going to really need this skill in Carswell.

I've read that inmates somehow find out the crimes of each others convictions, even though no one really talks about them. I don't know if that makes some people targets based on their crime. Mine being wire fraud is typical white collar, but the implications of my crime hurt a lot of people. I don't know how that could play out and I guess I can't worry about it cause it is an unknown right now. 

Anyway, the fact that someone violated my trust may make you think I'd question whether I would choose to trust someone else in the future. I have to say that it changes nothing. I still will not live the double life ever again and keep big secrets from my closest friends. Nothing has changed. I cannot stop trusting everyone because one person made a choice that hurt me.

13 Days

My days ahead are packed beyond belief and my list of things to do continues to grow, even as I accomplish things every day new things come up (return Internet modem to UPS for shipping; send thank you card to ___; add ___ to my list of 30; have discussion with gossips; etc). It is still important that I'm putting all of these down or I will forget some. 

Included on my list today are to write and mail myself letters of things I want to have in prison. On the outside of the envelope(s) I have to write, "SAVE FOR REPORT DATE 8/19/2013." Inside one or more envelopes will be my list of 30 (30 names and addresses and telephone numbers for my phone privileges); another list with all my family/friends' names, addresses, emails, and/or bdays. So I can fill out to visitation request form, write people, and so I can use the prison links email system. I will also bring a copy of these with me and have my friend hold a copy just in case. 

I will also mail myself a handful of photos. I will only send myself photos I have digitally, in case I never receive them. I don't want to send in too many, in case my friends send me some, as we do have restrictions, but there are some people I must have photos of, like my T.S. and another with a group of women I am close to.

I may have 13 days til self surrender, but I have only 4 days til my move (out of an apartment I love); 8 days til my last day of work (for now); and 11 days til I fly down to Texas.

At least I know I face none of this alone. I also say the serenity prayer a lot when things get difficult. You've probably heard it, but it goes:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The serenity prayer could not be more applicable to those of us facing incarceration. We must have acceptance, as we cannot change that fact. We must have courage to adequately prepare ourselves and change ourselves to ensure we NEVER have to go to prison again! We must have wisdom to not misplace our efforts on those things that we can't change and instead, work on ourselves. We cannot change people, places, or things. What we can change is us, how we think, react, our emotions, our education, our goals, etc. 

A wise person told me that time in prison can go two ways. It can perpetuate the person and choices that got you incarcerated or it can be an opportunity to spend some time with yourself changing, exploring, and growing.

When Trust is Violated

I was having a really decent day. I got a lot of things done at work. I met with Dr. P. (my academic advisor) and we finalized the plan for my independent study during my incarceration, and a very good friend (Halo) came over tonight for dinner, chatting, and packing. My curio cabinet and most of my fragile pieces outside my kitchen are officially in boxes! Good thing because I think I found a place to consign my curio cabinet!

Unfortunately, just after Halo left, I received a call from a friend who I am not very close to, but displays the most incredible integrity. She heard some gossip about me today and instead of engaging in the gossip, she contacted me to let me know. THAT IS A REAL FRIEND!!! Turns out that someone in my trust circle at school. Someone I've known since day 1 and knows my whole story, decided to tell someone at a party of my colleagues to google me and the reason I'm taking a leave of absence. She then gave her the exact hints on what to google to find my indictment.

That person told another colleague who told another colleague who told another... You get the idea. When I say that the original person was in my circle, I mean they were on my list of 30 for prison. They are best friends with other good friends of mine. Yet, I can't remember a time having had my trust violated deeper. 

Interesting thing was what I did next. I wasn't passive or spiteful. First, I made sure that the person who shared with me knew how grateful I was and how much integrity she showed. We always need to let people know when they do something positive. Then I went straight to the source and tried calling the person who started the gossip. Thing is, in the past I was passive. So passive. I could confront no one for myself. I was not going to scream. I wanted to ask her to tell me her side of the story (there are always two sides of a story and I will not fully pass any judgment until she tells her side). Those of us in trouble with the law know all too well how often judgment is passed without the ability to tell our story, I want to hear hers.

Next, I talked with friends who support me and came up with ideas for next steps. When I'm emotional, I know that I need to lean on my friends more, not less. My friends always show how amazing they are.

Finally, I talked to one of my colleagues who spread the rumors who was already informed that I knew. Gossip really does spread fast in my educational program! I started the conversation with the preface that I was not mad at her or any of the others who may have spread the stories. I had never spoken to them and they were never told in my confidence, therefor, it would be misplaced for my anger to be at them. My anger is only at the person who did violate my trust. She is responsible for the consequences of doing so.

Anyway, I asked this woman to gather those people who are now "in the know" of some piece of my story of indictment and/or prison and that I'd like to have the opportunity to meet with them all together, tell them the truth, ask for an end to the gossip and professionalism as colleagues, and answer their questions.

She agreed. In the meantime, she apologized numerous times about her actions and took responsibility for continuing the rumor to others. I think the way this is all being handled may be a learning opportunity for everyone involved.

The one person I hope to still hear from is the person who violated my trust. I want to know why. It seems so out of her character. Was it alcohol? Jell-O shots? Did she regret it? Did she even think about it afterwards? 

People gossip all the time. We have magazines full of gossip. From what I can tell, prisons are also full of gossip. But there's gossip that's harmless and gossip that's harmful. Most people know the difference. A person's criminal status is certainly one that could go on the harmful side in many circles. There are places we must tell - employment applications - but we are under no obligation to tell everyone.

My Morning Fog

Ever since I got sick, but especially with my medications, I wake up with a morning head fog. It used to include a headache but a great medication has helped alleviate the headaches. It takes a good hour for my head fog to work it's way clearer. It almost feels flu-like, but I'm used to it and my whole body isn't feverish or achy, its just stiff in the joints in the morning. So I usually stay in bed for a while, stretching different parts of my body, and allowing by head fog to clear. It's quite painful when I oversleep and need to get out of bed quickly. I've  actually come to enjoy my slow mornings this past year. It allows me time to think and plan my day.

I don't think prison will allow me my slow mornings. I'm not sure how accommodating a medical facility really can be. Their primary goal is still to keep order and I certainly do not want to be a trouble maker. Prison is going to be a long term test of mind over body. I will have to will myself to move and take care of myself when I am able.

My head fog seems to be part of a larger neuro issue at times. Sometimes, I have difficulty with word finding and short term memory. It is not dementia or anything like that. It's just part of this autoimmune craziness. I hope to be able to carry a notebook with me everywhere, so I can write down things I need/want to make sure I remember. I won't forget everything, obviously, but I don't want to be asked to get some things and accidentally forget the exact items I was supposed to get (I would remember like 3 or 4 of the 5 items, etc.) I didn't used to be that way. It all started this year, since my illness flair up. I can still teach or give a speech, I just have to prepare a little differently. I have to work with my new foggy head.

My hope is that my head fog will not be a problem for me in prison. It seems so crazy to be dealing with so many things at the same time, but I'm not the only one and I will get through this. One day at a time.

Fear

I've been asked a lot if I'm scared. I can only answer honestly, " of course I'm scared." I've never heard a story about prison being a good place to go. But I can't live in worry and fear every day. It would merely cause paranoia and nothing I actually think is likely to actually happen. I have to live in the day. I do continue to research constantly through prisontalk.com, online, even research studies done in women's prisons. I've always been a curious person. I want answers. I love the ability to find answers by typing with my fingers anytime of the day or night. I'll miss that.

I was thinking that perhaps if I just list quickly the various things that are my fears, I can at least get them out there. They are here, in my head, but they don't drown me or paralyze me. But I'm sure anyone in my position would have some. I have plenty:

- getting beat up (I've never been in a fight in my life)

- not getting the medication I need

- watching people die (it is a medical center)

- being around aggression

- people stealing my things

- being put in a top bunk (I wake up very stiff in my legs)

- racism, anti-semitism, homophobia

- rape (7 employees found guilty of raping inmates in past 15 years, even a priest)

- a flair up of my medical condition

- someone in my family or a close friend gets really sick or dies and I can't be there

- somehow getting thrown in the SHU

I guess that's a lot to be fearful of, but I also think its normal. I'm going to an unknown with a bad reputation. I'm leaving behind all I love and my comforts. I have allergies, illness, dietary needs, glasses, a recovery program, and other things that may make the transition difficult at times. I figure once I can get past the initial strip search I may be able to let go of some of my fears, but I didn't list that one but it mortifies me. I am not one of those people comfortable in the nude, ever. I'll just close my eyes, bite the inside of my lip (like I did when I was scared to go on stage in my theater days) and face each of these things. 

I walked into my first GA meeting with all men, until one woman walked in. In some ways, that night was filled with just as many fears because back then I did not yet know how to work through my emotions. Today I can. So, I do have fear, I am scared. I believe that is quite healthy given that I self surrender 2 weeks from today.

Little Boxes, Big Boxes, Boxes, Boxes, Boxes

I wonder how many people needing to self surrender are in my situation. Living alone. Rental apartment. Need to pack up and move everything before I travel 1,000 miles to my next shared living experience where I will bring nearly nothing with me. I've finally "started" packing a little more. Friends are coming by throughout the week to give me additional help. I obtained boxes from others recent moves and being grateful at not having to salvage or purchase any, I just took them all in like lost kitties. I now have an entryway and a car filled with boxes of every shape, size, and weight and at least twice the number I will need, so I will merely pass them on.

I am also packing boxes to give to others. A box of school supplies for T.S. A box of my medical records and a box of my financial records to be stored with friends just in case. A pile of items to give to Traveler who knows someone who sells things on eBay in order to survive. Bags full of cards that I hate throwing away, but I can't keep everything. As much as I've started, my fatigue hits me quickly and I can't accomplish a fraction of my packing or sorting goals.

Today was productive in other ways though. I did reserve a moving truck and a storage locker. I had to have Sporty actually get the storage locker since she will be moving my things into her home (my future home while on supervision) when I am serving my time. Actually my things will only be stored for one month, and public storage offers the first month for $1, so with fees- the month is only $16 total. Quite the deal. My moving day is 6 days away. I will have to be very productive during my non work hours for the next 5 days!

I can't believe I have only one more full weekend where I live before I travel to Texas. Sometimes the waiting goes really slow, but now everything is moving in a time warp!

15 days til self surrender. Two weeks from tomorrow.

Weight

I was told by certain family members that I will be made fun in prison about my weight. Why should prison be any different than a school play yard? Although, I anticipate many women of all shapes and sizes right along with me in Carswell. It's not like the healthiest people always find themselves in prison and I am going to a medical facility. 

My weight has always been a thing with my family. Not just my parents, but with others as well. On my mother's side of the family, the women would rather starve themselves than show an ounce of fat. Even my teenage niece has been diagnosed with an eating disorder do to the overwhelming insistence on skinny and outward appearance. 

For me, I was a teenage athlete, always active, but never skinny - even when I was incredibly muscular. In my early 20's doctors diagnosed me with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and pretty much told me that my attempts to really diet were futile. Sure, I can lose weight, but I will never be skinny, my body doesn't react right to too many foods.

Then my diet is also bad and got worst as my gambling progressed. Hours upon hours of food deprivation while gambling and then eating whatever I could find while driving home was not the diet of champions. I gained weight. I hated myself and I didn't care. 

Losing weight, especially with the PCOS, is very difficult. I plateau at too high a weight. My doctor says that I shouldn't worry about it because my weight is not unhealthy per se (my cholesterol and blood pressure and glucose numbers are fine). But it's always been a struggle of mine - wanting to be thinner - not like my family, but able to fit in a small, medium, or large (not in the XL + categories) and dealing with my personal body realities and other demons.

Ironically, since I got sick a year ago, my weight has been on a roller coaster. At first I lost ten pounds almost immediately, then 6 months of prednisone caused me weight gain plus a full on round moon face, now I've lost nearly 30 pounds - but the moon face is still there. So people don't see the weight loss if they just look at my face. Plus my stiffness makes my walking so difficult at times that my mom thought it was due to weight gain. 

For a while now I've made a joke with my friends on diets saying that I didn't need to go on a diet, because soon I'm going to be on the prison diet. For some in prison, all the carb heavy food, and the junk they sell in commissary, causes them to gain weight. For others, prison causes them to lose weight. I don't think I'll be gaining weight. I'm a very picky eater, so if I don't like my food, I literally will not eat it. I'll just visit the salad bar. I don't have enough money to buy a bunch of junk food from the commissary. I will be offered three meals per day, which is better rounded out than how I currently eat (usually skip breakfast and sometimes lunch when I'm at work). My metabolism may actually get closer to normal.

So, unlike my family, I am not worried about being called names about my weight in prison. I own my size and actually believe myself cute sometimes. If it helps keep some people off my back, I'll be glad for that. I don't judge people based on their size or looks and no one knows someone's back story about why they may have a scar, their weight, no hair, etc.; and, it is none of my business either.

Friends and Dates

I've been reaching out to my friends and asking them to give me their dates - their birthdays, anniversaries, and for those in G.A., their clean dates. I'm putting these dates with their names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, and ages (ages only for those that want to be included on my visitation list). I will carry one list in with me, have a copy that I mail to myself just before self-surrender and give a copy to Survivor just in case. Somehow I'll make sure I get the information. This will be my means of communication, and more importantly, to let people know that I care about them too (celebrate their special days!).

Tonight was an especially difficult night for me. I recently learned that a friend of mine was having some suicidal thoughts and, well, I felt it instinctually hours ago. This important person sent me a text filled with positivity, but I know this friend well and I knew that something about the text didn't read just right. It sounded to 'final.' So, I called and texted and got no response and then the night ensued with a lot of other people involved but I'm happy to report that my friend did not hurt them self, although I had interpreted the earlier text correctly (as contemplation was occurring). I really care about my friends and being in prison will keep me from being able to be there for my friends in their times of need (whether big or small). Recovery gave me the ability to know how to be a real friend and prison will take away my right to be a friend. Instead it just feels like everyone is doing for me, and it feels too one-sided.

Maybe my ability to acknowledge birthdays and anniversaries with the bland prison cards available will mean something. Most people just get a Facebook message from most people these days. Maybe I'll be allowed to make my own cards or include my dorky craft projects. It really won't matter. I just want to be able to acknowledge my friends and let them know how much I appreciate them and that I may not know their highs and lows, but I wish I did.

I dedicate this blog posting to my good friend who is going through a very hard time right now but will wake to see the sunrise in the morning.