A Blank Calendar

My appointments, responsibilities, and life as I lived it for the past few years has officially ended. My phone calendar, which typically beeps at me constantly to remind me of my next thing to do or place to be, is empty. My twelve keys went to ten, then seven, then six, then four, then two, and now zero. I leave tomorrow with a small roller bag filled with more medication and paperwork than clothing.

I laughed tonight. A lot. I saw a wonderfully funny - smart funny - movie. A perfect distraction. My tears came at times later, but I could focus and move forward. 

An earlier blog mentioned the idea of Survivor and I taking a road trip, but expenses were too high. Instead we are each flying in, from different airports, as we live several hours away from one another. We will meet in Dallas, spend the first night in a nice hotel, and ensure my finances and other needs are all being properly cared for by someone. We will laugh too, Survivor always makes me laugh!

I sent an email today to the student who broke my trust which resulted in many negative consequences. I chose to apologize to her as I do not want to leave with any ill will. It really makes no difference that she broke my confidence, because other people's reactions are based on my being a felon and going to prison. My anger at her is displaced. I cannot put blame on others for how people react to pieces of my story - real or fictionalized. My challenge is to help people understand the reality of this addiction more so compassion and forgiveness is possible.

I am leaving in peace and with hope that I will be back here soon, adding keys to my keyring, appointments to my calendar, and a bit better at not displacing my anger or fear on others.

Oh, and another update on the future of this blog. Additional friends will be assisting to keep it going. I will be writing posts often and emailing them, which will be posted with their date written. Friends may talk about their experiences around all this. Stay on this journey with us. I look forward to seeing how things look and reading the blogs and comments upon my return!

3 days til self surrender. 14 hours til I fly to Texas.

My name is Dragonfly Hazel

This first post will be short, but I did not want this blog to be started without something on it. I am 40 years old, Caucasian, well educated (in fact I am currently obtaining my doctoral degree and I also have a juris doctorate degree), but none of my demographic information is important - I struggled with the demise of a debilitating, baffling, progressive addiction - compulsive gambling - for 14 years. Addiction will make the strongest people weak, the smartest people dumb, the most capable people incapacitated, the givers into takers, the rule makers into rule breakers, and the ethical into criminals. Such is the truth with me and so many I've met over the years. I am not unique. I am not special. I am a person who has had to overcome the realities of an insidious emotional illness. I am now five years clean from compulsive gambling - a disease that nearly took my life five years ago.

In about 60-90 days, I will be going to a federal women's prison camp as my punishment for stealing funds from my employer during my days of gambling. I believe there's a reason so much time passed between my crime and punishment and I believe my story may be able to help someone else struggling either with addiction and/or with the legal system. I looked all over online and found very little real information about preparing to go inside for women (much more information is available for men). So this blog will tell a story. A story that moves through the past and a story that tells of the preparation of what is happening as I prepare to go to prison. My sentencing was just a couple days ago. I had NO idea I would be sentenced to such a long time. My lawyer, friends, family, and I had not prepared for it. So, we all must prepare for it now. Come along with us. Learn. Chat. Share your story. This is our blog.

One year and one day.
Dragonfly Hazel