A friend of mine, here, told me to stop setting my goal on getting to the camp. She said I should set my goal on getting home. I've been trying to work both angles for the last several months, but it really is looking like getting across the street is a losing battle. And, I am within months of going home - or through halfway house and then home. So, I made the decision to set my goals on a date - April 14, 2014 - that date would allow me, possibly, to enjoy a Passover Seder with my family.
It's not going to be an easy goal to reach. All the pieces are outside of my control. The only thing I can do is to stay on the staff to try and get my paperwork completed. Yesterday, I finally talked with the woman responsible for doing my "exit summary" paperwork. She informed me that because I am a level 3, my doctor is required to approve my halfway house/ home confinement. She'd sent my doctor a list of names a bit ago and she hasn't heard back. So, I submitted a cop-out to my doctor. Since I am not scheduled to see my doctor (whom I've never met) until late May, I'm praying that she will use my medical records and see that I am eligible for halfway house. Not sure how long it will take, but it's a necessary step in this process.
I hate that there are so many cogs in the wheel and it's dependant on so many people doing something. Talk about bureaucracy - nothing happens quickly. Things get lost. Things are forgotten. This is people's lives, and, yet, we just have to sit and wait. But I can wait... April 14th, that's my goal. I will do whatever I need to do to meet the goal, knowing full well, there's not much I can do. But, putting that date out in the Universe, may help make it come true. You never know... anything is possible. Never give up hope!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
From Dragonfly: Changing Things Up
As I've mentioned before, the staff like to "change things up" in the units every so often. Yesterday, that change occurred when Bandana was moved out and Peppers was moved in. Bandana went to a new unit and Peppers came from that unit. Braids and I curiously tried to get to know Peppers a bit. She's been in three years. She sleeps a lot. She takes some serious medications, which make her tired and a bit high. She drinks the pepper juice from the bottle that the hot peppers come from, which depletes her potassium, so she complains of charley horses all day. She has a picture board that displays a nice family, and perhaps some friends. She is well-known in the Carswell community - especially people who have been here for a while. She likes things clean (good!). So, for the first time in 4 1/2 months, I am going to get used to a new roommate again. I will miss Bandana. As serious as she was, and even a little frightening at times, she was a softy to me (always talking about the woman she loves who is very ill), and I saw her in her most fragile moments of tears and fear. The truth is that most people's "prison persona" starts once they walk outside their room, but their real side shows when they are in the safety of their room.
I'm not the only person dealing with a new roommate. My pal, Lola, also has a new one. In her case, she is not too happy about the new woman in her room. She has to wear diapers and often smells of urine. She, also, had a severe head injury, resulting in her head having a large dent. It looks super painful, but results in the women needing a lot of assistance with getting to/from her wheelchair, going to the restroom, going to meals and pillline, etc. She probably needs an INA, but for some reason was moved out of the hospital units into our exterior unit. I hope things work out well for them. I have a feeling that she could be moved again quickly, as she probably needs to be placed much closer to the restroom, which is about as far as can be from Lola's room.
Another move was for a friend who has the broken foot from being run over by a wheelchair. So, this friend now has to sit in her own wheelchair. Irony, right? She was placed in a unit that currently has no showers on the floor that she is on. Well, she can't do the stairs... so, I am not sure if she will be moved again soon, as well. Seems I am pretty secure in my location. Most of the people being moved are based on who their "team staff" are, and I'm already in my team staff's unit. Braids, on the other hand, is not, so I may end up with all new roommates. I'm not sure, but anything is possible when that staff is "changing things up."
I'm not the only person dealing with a new roommate. My pal, Lola, also has a new one. In her case, she is not too happy about the new woman in her room. She has to wear diapers and often smells of urine. She, also, had a severe head injury, resulting in her head having a large dent. It looks super painful, but results in the women needing a lot of assistance with getting to/from her wheelchair, going to the restroom, going to meals and pillline, etc. She probably needs an INA, but for some reason was moved out of the hospital units into our exterior unit. I hope things work out well for them. I have a feeling that she could be moved again quickly, as she probably needs to be placed much closer to the restroom, which is about as far as can be from Lola's room.
Another move was for a friend who has the broken foot from being run over by a wheelchair. So, this friend now has to sit in her own wheelchair. Irony, right? She was placed in a unit that currently has no showers on the floor that she is on. Well, she can't do the stairs... so, I am not sure if she will be moved again soon, as well. Seems I am pretty secure in my location. Most of the people being moved are based on who their "team staff" are, and I'm already in my team staff's unit. Braids, on the other hand, is not, so I may end up with all new roommates. I'm not sure, but anything is possible when that staff is "changing things up."
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
From Dragonfly: 6 Months
Today is officially 6 months - looking at the date. I self-surrendered on August 19th and it is February 19th. There were times when I thought I may be elsewhere by this point, but here I am. I am here. I suppose I am where I am meant to be. In honor of my 6 months, I am making my own throw blanket. It's striped with tons of colors and will be super colorful when it's done. I was never into super colorful things, but I'm having fun mixing and matching the very limited choices of yarns I have access to. They had banana bread at breakfast, I like to think that such goodness was also in support of my 6 month anniversary of imprisonment.
Six months in prison comes with some benefits. I am able to get a new bunch of socks and underwear at laundry next week. Since we only get 5 at a time, I'm excited to finally be able to move on from the one's I received my second day here. Well, I think that's the only benefit, but it's a good one!
At six months, I am happy to say, that my pre-bought timex watch is still going strong, my hair has grown out well, I am not totally grey, my glasses are still in one piece, I am still able to walk, I sleep, I've gained new craft skills, I've read countless books, I've completed many, many crosswords, I've taught in three classrooms and with three teachers, I've taken a beginning drawing class, I've lost 23 pounds, I've made some good friends, I've written (probably) 150 times, I've received hundreds of letters, I've written far less letters (sorry, friends!), I've moved rooms three times, I've moved units once, I've been strip searched at least 15 times, I've been patted down just once, I have become a jailhouse cook, I've eaten off of a dozen or so homemade cheesecakes, I officially know what a "potato roll" is, I've discovered the goodness of Sazon seasoning, I've met my first "cat-coon," and I've seen a small guard take down a very large woman (well, more than once). I guess it's been a productive six months.
I am so grateful, knowing, that I will not need to be here another 6 months. My exit will be within 4 1/2 months (hopefully sooner, rather than later). I need my family, and they need me. One day at a time will one day equal a week, then a month, then six months, and later a year. Any time is hard, but taking it a day at a time, we can look back and see all the things we accomplished, even in prison.
Six months in prison comes with some benefits. I am able to get a new bunch of socks and underwear at laundry next week. Since we only get 5 at a time, I'm excited to finally be able to move on from the one's I received my second day here. Well, I think that's the only benefit, but it's a good one!
At six months, I am happy to say, that my pre-bought timex watch is still going strong, my hair has grown out well, I am not totally grey, my glasses are still in one piece, I am still able to walk, I sleep, I've gained new craft skills, I've read countless books, I've completed many, many crosswords, I've taught in three classrooms and with three teachers, I've taken a beginning drawing class, I've lost 23 pounds, I've made some good friends, I've written (probably) 150 times, I've received hundreds of letters, I've written far less letters (sorry, friends!), I've moved rooms three times, I've moved units once, I've been strip searched at least 15 times, I've been patted down just once, I have become a jailhouse cook, I've eaten off of a dozen or so homemade cheesecakes, I officially know what a "potato roll" is, I've discovered the goodness of Sazon seasoning, I've met my first "cat-coon," and I've seen a small guard take down a very large woman (well, more than once). I guess it's been a productive six months.
I am so grateful, knowing, that I will not need to be here another 6 months. My exit will be within 4 1/2 months (hopefully sooner, rather than later). I need my family, and they need me. One day at a time will one day equal a week, then a month, then six months, and later a year. Any time is hard, but taking it a day at a time, we can look back and see all the things we accomplished, even in prison.
From Dragonfly: The Journey of Patience
If prison teaches you anything, it is patience. Nothing happens quickly. Nothing happens in the time you would expect in the outside world. Everything is out of your control, and you have to be able to sit patiently and wait. I've mentioned the lines and wait times to be seen. I have mentioned the length of the pill line. I've mentioned a lot of waiting... a lot of hurry up and wait.
Patience has never been my strong suit. When I applied to my higher education programs, I checked constantly to ensure the applications were complete and to see when decisions would be made. When waiting to see if I was selected for the Vietnam or South Africa trips, I'd gotten myself to the point of believing I would not be accepted, because the wait to hear was so long. When I finish a semester of school, I am usually the first person who receives their grades online, and tells everyone else that they were posted. When I was told that I would be going to prison, I was in distress waiting for when my surrender date would be and what institution I would be sent to. It makes me crazy, waiting.
However, now I am so used to waiting, that I don't depend on anything happening. This is especially true for my paperwork to be completed by the medical staff so that I can officially transfer to the camp across the street and so that my halfway house paperwork can be completed. My situation is not unique, but it makes it no easier. Had my paperwork been completed before the holidays, as I was told it would, I would already be living across the street and I would, possibly, be leaving very soon to my halfway house. However, not only was the paperwork never completed then, it still has not been done. There's nothing I can do about it either - except wait. And wait. And wait.
At this point, I'll be lucky to be transferred to the camp in March and I'll be even luckier if I can go to the halfway house in April. Soon, as time keeps clicking, I'll be looking at my home confinement date in May, and my official out date in July. If the paperwork is not completed, I will have to max out at July 2nd (my July 4th out date is a holiday, so it became July 3rd - I received one day credit for the day I went to the Marshall's office to be finger printed and photographed prior to self surrender). I should not have to wait for July to be released. But, we are powerless while we are in prison. All we can do is accept. All I can do is accept. And wait. And wait. And wait.
Patience has never been my strong suit. When I applied to my higher education programs, I checked constantly to ensure the applications were complete and to see when decisions would be made. When waiting to see if I was selected for the Vietnam or South Africa trips, I'd gotten myself to the point of believing I would not be accepted, because the wait to hear was so long. When I finish a semester of school, I am usually the first person who receives their grades online, and tells everyone else that they were posted. When I was told that I would be going to prison, I was in distress waiting for when my surrender date would be and what institution I would be sent to. It makes me crazy, waiting.
However, now I am so used to waiting, that I don't depend on anything happening. This is especially true for my paperwork to be completed by the medical staff so that I can officially transfer to the camp across the street and so that my halfway house paperwork can be completed. My situation is not unique, but it makes it no easier. Had my paperwork been completed before the holidays, as I was told it would, I would already be living across the street and I would, possibly, be leaving very soon to my halfway house. However, not only was the paperwork never completed then, it still has not been done. There's nothing I can do about it either - except wait. And wait. And wait.
At this point, I'll be lucky to be transferred to the camp in March and I'll be even luckier if I can go to the halfway house in April. Soon, as time keeps clicking, I'll be looking at my home confinement date in May, and my official out date in July. If the paperwork is not completed, I will have to max out at July 2nd (my July 4th out date is a holiday, so it became July 3rd - I received one day credit for the day I went to the Marshall's office to be finger printed and photographed prior to self surrender). I should not have to wait for July to be released. But, we are powerless while we are in prison. All we can do is accept. All I can do is accept. And wait. And wait. And wait.
From Dragonfly: Olympics
Every now and then, a television in the atrium will show the Olympics. I watch in awe as huge sleds speed down a track, people jump 100 feet in the air on skis (and do twists on top of that), snowboarders do tricks I've never seen before, and skaters land back on their feet after jumping and twisting in the air. These are all things I could never do. They not only have talent, but these athletes have a dedication to their craft that demands health of mind and body. If your head isn't totally in, your body will not do what you need it to do. If your body is not totally in, your head may not be able to overcome the pain. Although, last night, I saw a man driving the USA 1 bobsled overcome great pain in his calf to win a medal in the 2-man sled for the first time in over 60 years. I'm sure he's limping around Sochi today - proudly wearing the bronze around his neck. We can always overcome obstacles if our will is strong enough.
Life also has many obstacles. There are those that are put before us and those we build ourselves. So often, we are our own worst enemies. We believe bad will happen, so we do what we "think" will overcome the bad, only to cause that bad thing to happen. The number one way we do this is through lies. I am not immune from this by any means. When in the reality of my addiction, lying just came with the compulsion. In order to keep destroying myself, I had to lie to everyone around me, strangers, and especially myself. Today, I do my best to live in honesty. Sometimes the old me comes out, and I tell a white lie to protect myself or someone, but then it just weighs heavy on me and, practicing the final steps of my program, "when wrong, promptly admit it," I will apologize and say that I have no idea why I just said what I did, but here's the truth. It is always better to face your fears, than to not take the chance on the truth.
Recently, I've heard of a number of "lies" that people here told on the outside to try and "protect" themselves. For example, a woman I know did not tell her ex-husband that she was going to prison. She feared that he would try to gain custody of her children. After almost 6 months of maintaining the lie, her ex-husband found out, is furious with her not telling him, and now may go after custody. Had my friend been honest from the beginning, the best interest of the children would have probably led them to live with their grandparents, as the father has many issues of his own, and everything may have worked out. But, now, the dishonesty may lead to my friend's fear of losing custody.
Another "lie" I've recently heard about is a different person who claimed to have education that she does not have. The DOP did a little background check and now she is known to be a liar. I'm not sure why this inmate felt the need to lie, but it caught up with her and she did not get the job she was trying to get. Had she been honest, her intelligence may have been enough to get her the job.
To be honest actually takes a lot of dedication - not unlike the dedication of the Olympians we watch on television. We need to breath deeply and believe that we can face our fears and still land on our feet. "We are only as sick as our lies," is a common statement in 12-step programs. There's a lot more to gain through honesty, than what we can lose through our lies and tales.
I'm going to enjoy watching the rest of the week of the Olympics, when someone is kind enough to turn it on. Had these athletes lied to their parents, their coaches, themselves, or others, likely they would not be where they are today. It's hard work to be your best person, and we don't get medals for being good, but life will give us many opportunities we never imagined, when we live in honesty.
Life also has many obstacles. There are those that are put before us and those we build ourselves. So often, we are our own worst enemies. We believe bad will happen, so we do what we "think" will overcome the bad, only to cause that bad thing to happen. The number one way we do this is through lies. I am not immune from this by any means. When in the reality of my addiction, lying just came with the compulsion. In order to keep destroying myself, I had to lie to everyone around me, strangers, and especially myself. Today, I do my best to live in honesty. Sometimes the old me comes out, and I tell a white lie to protect myself or someone, but then it just weighs heavy on me and, practicing the final steps of my program, "when wrong, promptly admit it," I will apologize and say that I have no idea why I just said what I did, but here's the truth. It is always better to face your fears, than to not take the chance on the truth.
Recently, I've heard of a number of "lies" that people here told on the outside to try and "protect" themselves. For example, a woman I know did not tell her ex-husband that she was going to prison. She feared that he would try to gain custody of her children. After almost 6 months of maintaining the lie, her ex-husband found out, is furious with her not telling him, and now may go after custody. Had my friend been honest from the beginning, the best interest of the children would have probably led them to live with their grandparents, as the father has many issues of his own, and everything may have worked out. But, now, the dishonesty may lead to my friend's fear of losing custody.
Another "lie" I've recently heard about is a different person who claimed to have education that she does not have. The DOP did a little background check and now she is known to be a liar. I'm not sure why this inmate felt the need to lie, but it caught up with her and she did not get the job she was trying to get. Had she been honest, her intelligence may have been enough to get her the job.
To be honest actually takes a lot of dedication - not unlike the dedication of the Olympians we watch on television. We need to breath deeply and believe that we can face our fears and still land on our feet. "We are only as sick as our lies," is a common statement in 12-step programs. There's a lot more to gain through honesty, than what we can lose through our lies and tales.
I'm going to enjoy watching the rest of the week of the Olympics, when someone is kind enough to turn it on. Had these athletes lied to their parents, their coaches, themselves, or others, likely they would not be where they are today. It's hard work to be your best person, and we don't get medals for being good, but life will give us many opportunities we never imagined, when we live in honesty.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
From Dragonfly: Conversations I Don't Enjoy
In the RDAP program through the Feds, which is the residential drug and alcohol program and includes a couple hours of programming every day. People who qualify for the program can receive up to 9 months off their time in prison (they receive extra halfway house time). Their "out date" is changed as soon as they start the program. If they finish it, and don't quit or get into trouble, they are guaranteed that new out date. For those who come into prison with a history of drug or alcohol abuse, it's a great way to change your thinking, yourself, and hope for a different future.
My struggle with the program is that they discount the beliefs of 12-step programs. They focus on changing thoughts and behaviors, but not on the emotional illness that underlies the addiction. They tell the people in the program that addiction is not a disease and they have articles from some journals to back up their ideas.
I have a friend in RDAP who calls the 12-step programs "extreme." She doesn't believe that you can never participate in the behavior again. Based on her program in RDAP, she can drink again, she just would need to make a different choice about driving while drunk. I struggle greatly with this, because once you are drinking, how rational a choice are you able to make? In my program, we believe that the minute you go back to what was your addiction, you start right where you left off, even if you've worked on changing yourself. A first gamble, a first drink, a first pill, what ever the addiction may be, will lead you right back to stinking thinking and irrational behavior you had that brought you into the 12-step program.
At breakfast today, there was no room for conversation about why 12-step programs do work and that addiction is an illness. My friend was entirely closed off to that idea. She's closed off to the idea that she should never engage in the behavior again. Her addiction-recovery program is telling her that she can.
I became frustrated. I said, "my 12-step program saved my life." Then there was the "differences" of well, I must have crossed a different line. "Some people can be functional alcoholics," she said, "functional alcoholics would not need a 12-step program."
These ideas lead me to think about cross-addiction. If we don't really change ourselves and get to the heart of why we are addicts, we can just cross addict. I've seen so many people go from alcoholics to compulsive gamblers, or the other way around. From drug addicts to money addicts. We are unable to stop our addictive behaviors (the actual type of addiction is a symptom) because we are not getting to the root of the problems. The 12-steps, worked honestly, can help make the change. I'm not saying that any program is for everyone, but discounting a program is just plain closed-minded and harmful to those that have relied on the programs for decades.
I said, "can we go from 'either-or' to 'both-and'?" Meaning - can we accept that different programs can work, but neither program is bad in itself. Anyone can say they are "different" than the people in the 12-step rooms, in fact all of us usually start by doing that. It's once we are open and start to see the similarities and understand the "well, I didn't do that 'yet'" that we truly can understand the program. It can take a good 3 months of working a program for the changes to start. At first, our fog that brought us into the rooms needs to lift.
If you, or someone you know, is going to RDAP, I think that's wonderful. It will help you. However, don't discount the programs that have been working for hundreds of thousands of people for decades. There's a reason they help us not continue our irrational, baffling, addiction and I for one know it works if you work it!
My struggle with the program is that they discount the beliefs of 12-step programs. They focus on changing thoughts and behaviors, but not on the emotional illness that underlies the addiction. They tell the people in the program that addiction is not a disease and they have articles from some journals to back up their ideas.
I have a friend in RDAP who calls the 12-step programs "extreme." She doesn't believe that you can never participate in the behavior again. Based on her program in RDAP, she can drink again, she just would need to make a different choice about driving while drunk. I struggle greatly with this, because once you are drinking, how rational a choice are you able to make? In my program, we believe that the minute you go back to what was your addiction, you start right where you left off, even if you've worked on changing yourself. A first gamble, a first drink, a first pill, what ever the addiction may be, will lead you right back to stinking thinking and irrational behavior you had that brought you into the 12-step program.
At breakfast today, there was no room for conversation about why 12-step programs do work and that addiction is an illness. My friend was entirely closed off to that idea. She's closed off to the idea that she should never engage in the behavior again. Her addiction-recovery program is telling her that she can.
I became frustrated. I said, "my 12-step program saved my life." Then there was the "differences" of well, I must have crossed a different line. "Some people can be functional alcoholics," she said, "functional alcoholics would not need a 12-step program."
These ideas lead me to think about cross-addiction. If we don't really change ourselves and get to the heart of why we are addicts, we can just cross addict. I've seen so many people go from alcoholics to compulsive gamblers, or the other way around. From drug addicts to money addicts. We are unable to stop our addictive behaviors (the actual type of addiction is a symptom) because we are not getting to the root of the problems. The 12-steps, worked honestly, can help make the change. I'm not saying that any program is for everyone, but discounting a program is just plain closed-minded and harmful to those that have relied on the programs for decades.
I said, "can we go from 'either-or' to 'both-and'?" Meaning - can we accept that different programs can work, but neither program is bad in itself. Anyone can say they are "different" than the people in the 12-step rooms, in fact all of us usually start by doing that. It's once we are open and start to see the similarities and understand the "well, I didn't do that 'yet'" that we truly can understand the program. It can take a good 3 months of working a program for the changes to start. At first, our fog that brought us into the rooms needs to lift.
If you, or someone you know, is going to RDAP, I think that's wonderful. It will help you. However, don't discount the programs that have been working for hundreds of thousands of people for decades. There's a reason they help us not continue our irrational, baffling, addiction and I for one know it works if you work it!
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