Sit the Season Out

Did I somehow become an athlete? At my follow up with my doctor today, I was told, "well, you're pretty much going to have to sit the season of fall out." She's concerned because my inflammatory markers are continuing to rise. We now have two years of medical records and see the patterns. Fall is my not so good season.

I'm going to stay as active as possible, but the doc wants me to stay to 10 minute spurts of exercise. I'd signed up for a "couch to 5k" walking group for women, and she approved it, as long as I stay walking and don't push myself. If my Achilles goes tight, I'm to stop. As much as I know my docs are right, I didn't like the news.

There was some good news, though. As fall is my bad season, it appears that come early Speing, I should be able to fully jam again. My doc told me to just be ready to be active as soon as my body can handle it and my body will adjust quickly. We will keep testing my blood and as soon as my inflammatory markers are on the decrease again, Jillian Michaels and I will be best buddies again!! In the meantime, my increased fatigue and lack of time management can somewhat be explained by my body's decreased capacity right now.

I won't really be sitting the season out. I won't even be on the sidelines. I may be one of the slowest people on the field, but I'm going to be fully geared up and out and about doing my best. As long as I can get out of bed. As long as I can walk. As long as I can breath on my own. I will not sit life out. I did that for far too long with my addiction and then when I was put behind the fence. I choose to keep moving.

Can I Just Stay Quiet?

Sometimes sitting in class can get interesting for me. Today in my class, we are finally moving beyond policing and starting the conversation about courts. This, I know a lot about. I know the legal side from my J.D. and the defendant side from last year. Can I separate my personal experience from the class discussions? So far, not so well...

Tonight, as the class talked about bail, judge's discretion around setting bail, and then issues around plea-bargaining (an issue that I'm even more passionate about), I couldn't help but through my skepticism about the justice system out. At one point I said:

"It doesn't matter who you are... if you are not extremely wealthy or famous, then it matters not if you have a public defender or a private attorney... you are just going to plea out and end up on prison anyway..."

Oy, I can't believe I said that. The first thing my professor said to me was, "what reading are you basing that on? What empirical evidence?" I wanted to say, "my nine months in Carswell."

Then, interestingly, one of our readings for class was about the 'decision to prosecute,' that took place in the same county of where my crime occurred. I was not prosecuted by the state, so I was one of the cases they did not move forward, so in reading the article, I was interested in trying to figure out why my case was never prosecuted by the state... why did it go federal? I will never know, but it made me curious, especially because this article was specifically written from the same county as my case (albeit well before my case was ever presented to them).

I also continually get a run-around when I mention "federal" issues - I am always reminded - 90% of cases are handled in the states... I keep mentioning that I'm interested in the federal system. Always the minority, ha!

There's such a huge part of me that wants to tell my class my story --- they need to hear the story of someone who went through all these steps and what happened and what it was like... what 'negotiating' a plea really looks like. How I was allowed to go to South Africa still. How I was never really arrested, etc.

Just thoughts...

It's Rosh Hashanah

Somehow I failed to take the day off to go to synagogue or anything like that, but tonight there will be Apple dipped in honey! I have a staff meeting in 40 minutes, so I best get moving this morning...

Time Management

I am officially having difficulty. How did I do it all before? Not only it all, more?? Before I went away, I was doing a lot more than I am doing now... I had the same number of classes, I had the same job, I had the same chronic illness that can slow me down at times, but I maintained a fellowship, I spent more time with friends, I watched far more television, and somehow I seemed to get it all done with a decent night's sleep.

Last night, I was up until 2 a.m. finishing a short paper for a class. I absolutely know what I'm doing. I am not feeling as if I am struggling in school or with the materials (as I did when I first came back to school and needed to learn what APA citation looked like and basic going back to school issues). Now, though, I feel as if I have not figured out my time management, yet. I'm nearly a month into school, so I better get my act together. What I hate most, is that I am finding myself settling down to write here, and falling asleep before I can even get a sentence written. Now, that is a problem. So, I am going to try and write earlier in the day.

I am continuing to find that my interest in the women's pathways to crime framework is where I want to focus my research. So far, most things I read seem to say that white collar female offenders are not influenced by similar motivations as other offenders that fall under the pathways framework (earlier victimization/trauma). However, based on so many stories I heard, I think, perhaps, the wrong questions may have been asked. I think there is a similar pathway to crime for financial related crimes and I'm excited that I already know where my research may be headed (two years into my former PhD program and I was never too specific).

In fact, I think I now have two professors for my "thesis" committee, as I walked into a second professors office during her office hours this week. She at first was a little standoffish, and by the end of our conversation, she was offering me a chair in her office and saying that "if" I am in as an official PhD student, she would like to work with me as a student. Sweet! She actually did a really interesting dissertation topic (just a couple years ago) that falls close to my interests! I still need to select my thesis chair, but not yet...

I have two group projects and am trying to shuffle our meeting times. I love collaborative projects, but they often take more time to complete than working independently. I feel as if I have great groups, though. They are all new graduate students and in that scared deer in headlights mode, so they are working very hard. They do look to me for guidance, as I know the ins and outs of my University and the how to's better, but ultimately, we are all working well as teams. As a master's level vs a PhD level student, there is much more "busy" work, and a lot less theoretical work, discussion, and reading. I am not upset that the professors did not want me in their PhD courses, they did not yet admit me into the PhD program, and I am learning a lot about the building blocks of what I need to know. I just keep getting ahead of myself and trying to take things to the next level and then remembering that I am not there yet. Maybe, if I could just be where I am, I could slow down enough to get everything done...

In the end, I know that everything will be okay. In fact, I know that everything doesn't even need to work out the way I am planning on it to. There are so many ways my life may go at this point and my life is sooooo good. I don't gamble. I'm not locked up. I am mailing off a check to pay a bit of my restitution. I'm visiting my home town in a couple weeks.

So, I guess it's okay that I don't have everything all together. I have people to respond to. I have to get my room fully organized (still). I need to figure out the best studying place in my home (still). I apologize to all of you for not being the daily writer I've become, though, and I will do my best to be better, because I still have much to share and I hope you still choose to want to be a part of this exchange. It's a day at a time, and so for today, I wrote this. See, I'm already doing better with my time management!

Tackling our Demons

A weird title given how amazing my weekend was with my group of friends. We spend about 48 hours exploring ourselves, recovery, the joy of food, deeply connected friendships, and growing older with laughter, tears, little sleep, and a shortage of toilet paper (no worries, plenty of Kleenex!). As always, a mildly adjusted version of the "cowgirls" board game was a hit with laughter bringing happy tears to our eyes.

So, why this title? Well, much of the recovery, at least for me, was about letting go and our self-esteem. A friend brought some amazing materials from adult children of alcoholics and I could see myself in every principle of that program. Even as adults, we never run out of things we can work on. We just need to be open to them and honest with ourselves and our need for held.

I feel as if this weekend allowed me to release a lot of built up demons I've been holding onto around judgement from others, especially family. I choose to release it all and seek no one's permission to be the best person I can be and I don't want anyone so embarrassed of who I am or my past that they feel lies are the only way to save face with others. I will not live someone else's lie. If people cannot accept me for who I am, I must be willing to have healthy boundaries and I deserve love and respect. I will not live in shame! No demons hanging over me!