At first, we were going to have a nice small Thanksgiving holiday. Then, a friend was going to come in and visit and it was going to be a bit more cheerful. Then, things once again changed and I am here by myself for the holiday. It's not the first time I've been alone for Thanksgiving and it is certainly not the loneliest. In fact, I am perfectly happy spending this holiday solo. I have a couple papers to be working on and can really use the down time for myself. I certainly do not require a turkey dinner to make myself feel special. I know I am loved and I did receive invitations for holiday feasts - only they were back home - out of state - and being under supervision, I am unable to just go. A couple days for me and Superdog to just spend together. Perfectly fine for me!
When I was in my gambling days, I spent plenty of Thanksgivings alone. Some, I would go to the movies. Perhaps I'd see 1, 2, even 3 movies. I'd feel sorry for myself that I had no family nearby and no one to spend the holiday with. I was either in school far away from home, all my close friends had left to spend the holiday with their families, or I was in a period of isolation from others. I'd inevitably be trying to get to a casino - depending on where I lived - a short 10 minute drive or an hour drive or a three hour drive from where I lived. Once at the casino, I no longer thought about Thanksgiving, I was lost in my dream world of diamonds, spades, hearts, and clubs, ringing bells, nameless faces, twirling die, and where money had no real value... my life had no value... the holiday had no value... my friends had no value... nothing had any value. Year after year after year of turkey days finding myself lost with nothing really to be grateful for because I didn't even understand what gratitude really meant.
As I embark on this year's Thanksgiving, I have a list much longer than I could ever write of things I am grateful for. Depending on whether I count from when I was released from Carswell or released from Home Confinement, I have officially been out for 5 months from coming home on home confinement and 6 months from Carswell. My life is good and full of wonderful people and possibilities. I have great friends, loving family, a Superdog, a job that means something to me, a new career outlook, this blog, GA and continued recovery, a livable budget, health insurance, opportunities, a reasonable PO, mentorship, spirituality, my Carswell connections, the ability to pay my restitution and pay as much forward as I can, personal growth, a home, a car, memories, and so, so, so much more... I don't need a day of Thanksgiving to remind to be grateful or Thankful. Everytime I make a choice/decision differently than I would have during my addiction years, I thank my Sponsor, counselor, and every friend who helped me through my early years - because I am able to make healthier decisions today - I am a better person today. I am not a perfect person - far from it - but a better person.
Anyway, so I spend tomorrow alone and I work on a paper and there's no better way for someone who was in prison a year ago to spend Thanksgiving this year! It's doing what I want to do and what I need to do. I have four papers to write - one is due Friday (small paper), two next week, and one the following. So, I have a lot of work to do. I'm perfectly happy and will enjoy the holiday - much moreso than last year and way more than all my years at movie theaters and casinos. I'm totally at peace.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Finding New Allies
The beauty of living life in honesty, is the ability to build connections with people who I'd fear doing so if I was trying to hide my past. Yesterday in my doctoral seminar, a new professor to my department was presenting on his journey through his education and how he successfully found a position in a top CJ program at a tier 1 university. It was an interesting conversation, but my ears especially perked up when he talked about his doctoral research and dissertation topic --- why employers choose to not prosecute employees who steal from their businesses. He is interested in white collar crime - from the business/employer point of view.
After the seminar, I approached him and said, very matter of factly, "I am one of those employees who worked for one of those employers you researched and I would love your input into my thesis..." I went on to tell him about how I am transitioning my blog entries from my time incarcerated into an autoethnography and he immediately drew a smile. He thought it would make a great thesis and also agreed that it has a high potential to be used in classrooms and elsewhere - because gaining this research is so difficult generally.
I asked if he would be open to talking with me about helping me present my past in such a way that I am able to be respectful to those who are the victims of my crime. I never want anyone to think that I do not think about the community (my community) and all my former friends and colleagues that were affected by my actions, even as I have done so much work on myself and try everything I can to help others. If I am going to be writing something public, then I want to make sure I am being contentious of how I am coming across to those who are likely to continue to harbor a lot of anger toward my crime.
After hearing this professor speak, I knew that he was the person who would be able to challenge me in just the right ways to make sure I have that point of view - the point of view of the victims - taken into account. It is the least I can do. While this research is about the experience of being incarcerated, I am going to have to introduce what brought me there and I there are just a ton of ways one can do that.
The professor already recommended a book of a man who struggled with a similar issue while incarcerated --- how does he balance the man he's become with the man he was... I look forward to reading the book. I actually picked up two books at the library today. One is called, "Out on the Run," and is a book that is making a big splash for an ethnography written by a woman who lived among the people she was researching for six years while doing her dissertation research. I want to read it to see how her voice and thoughts are written throughout the book. The other book is called, "Doing Life," and is a woman's kinda autoethnography (it is edited by someone else) of doing time in prison. It did not receive good reviews, generally, and one thing I read in the reviews is that people should not care at all about the author, because she killed her husband. I want to read it, though, because it is the closest book to what I am going to be writing and I want to see what is written well and not so well in it.
However, I really want to learn from the latter book about how the woman presents herself. Going back to why I want to talk to my new ally in my CJ department, I do not want people looking at anything I write and saying that what I have written lacks value because of my past. I want to offer valuable research and I do not want personal differences to become what my writing becomes known for - that is not why I am spending years in school. So, it looks like I will be spending my winter break reading quite a few books.
In the meantime, I am just glad that my department continues to offer me incredible colleagues to work with who are able to offer me so many diverse perspectives. If I had to start all over again, I am glad it's a very different experience than the first time. The first experience was great and this is great too - just different and I will learn so much. The best thing about living a day at a time is that every day can bring us new opportunities as long as we are open to them!
After the seminar, I approached him and said, very matter of factly, "I am one of those employees who worked for one of those employers you researched and I would love your input into my thesis..." I went on to tell him about how I am transitioning my blog entries from my time incarcerated into an autoethnography and he immediately drew a smile. He thought it would make a great thesis and also agreed that it has a high potential to be used in classrooms and elsewhere - because gaining this research is so difficult generally.
I asked if he would be open to talking with me about helping me present my past in such a way that I am able to be respectful to those who are the victims of my crime. I never want anyone to think that I do not think about the community (my community) and all my former friends and colleagues that were affected by my actions, even as I have done so much work on myself and try everything I can to help others. If I am going to be writing something public, then I want to make sure I am being contentious of how I am coming across to those who are likely to continue to harbor a lot of anger toward my crime.
After hearing this professor speak, I knew that he was the person who would be able to challenge me in just the right ways to make sure I have that point of view - the point of view of the victims - taken into account. It is the least I can do. While this research is about the experience of being incarcerated, I am going to have to introduce what brought me there and I there are just a ton of ways one can do that.
The professor already recommended a book of a man who struggled with a similar issue while incarcerated --- how does he balance the man he's become with the man he was... I look forward to reading the book. I actually picked up two books at the library today. One is called, "Out on the Run," and is a book that is making a big splash for an ethnography written by a woman who lived among the people she was researching for six years while doing her dissertation research. I want to read it to see how her voice and thoughts are written throughout the book. The other book is called, "Doing Life," and is a woman's kinda autoethnography (it is edited by someone else) of doing time in prison. It did not receive good reviews, generally, and one thing I read in the reviews is that people should not care at all about the author, because she killed her husband. I want to read it, though, because it is the closest book to what I am going to be writing and I want to see what is written well and not so well in it.
However, I really want to learn from the latter book about how the woman presents herself. Going back to why I want to talk to my new ally in my CJ department, I do not want people looking at anything I write and saying that what I have written lacks value because of my past. I want to offer valuable research and I do not want personal differences to become what my writing becomes known for - that is not why I am spending years in school. So, it looks like I will be spending my winter break reading quite a few books.
In the meantime, I am just glad that my department continues to offer me incredible colleagues to work with who are able to offer me so many diverse perspectives. If I had to start all over again, I am glad it's a very different experience than the first time. The first experience was great and this is great too - just different and I will learn so much. The best thing about living a day at a time is that every day can bring us new opportunities as long as we are open to them!
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