I'm Not Ashamed

After my three hour drive for a ten minute meeting at the RRC today, I met a professor/friend for lunch. It was a wonderful lunch meeting and very nice catching up. She knows my story and supports me. I told her the story of my admission being revoked. She knew a bit of it, but I told her it all. She's willing to be a reference for me as I work to get back in. I'm grateful.

The conversation did lead me to feel as if I'm defending myself. Could I still get a job as a professor? How will it be if I'm working along with people from my old program? Hard questions for me to answer, but I just smiled and said things like:

"I'm not afraid of haters, they are everywhere, I can work with anyone. Their  judgement is on themselves, not me..."

"I will get back into (my school) and I will walk across that graduation stage one day. To all the nay-sayers out there, I'm doing this for myself, for everyone who has made mistakes in their lives, and because what matters is who I am and what I do today, in recovery, not who I was and what I did in addiction..."

"I'm not concerned about where I will work, that's years away... Will I get a job? Yes. But for now, my concern is about taking it a day at a time and for right now, all I need to concern myself with is getting back in school..."

"I will not be ashamed of who I am, the experiences I've had, or the fact that I went to prison. The experiences made me more passionate to help others, more passionate to continue my education, and more passionate about the value of overcoming hardships. This is not my end, it's yet another beginning..."

People want to hear the horror stories of prison, and there are tons. I hadn't shared with you all, yet, the reality of learning that several staff members at Carswell were reading this blog and let me know. It kept me from sharing certain things, I always had to consider protecting myself. I'm home now, though, so I can share more openly and I will... However, even though I just experienced hell, it doesn't mean I want to dwell on the negative. I'm stronger now and that experience helps me know that I can overcome anything. I'm not happy about the experience, but I can focus on what I learned and the good people, rather than the horribleness and the bad people.

Being home has helped me immensely in getting past some of my walls of protection I built, but I have a feeling that some healthy walls may remain. These walls will allow negativity to bounce away from me, haters to have no impact on me, and shame to be nonexistent. We can only feel ashamed if we allow ourselves to do so. 

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I had an addiction. I committed a crime to feed my addiction and irrationally believed I wasn't doing anything wrong. I apologized openly in court to a packed courtroom. I put myself into recovery and surrendered fully to the program. I have not gambled in over six years. I've learned why I developed an addiction and have taken as many steps as possible to avoid a cross-addiction. I help others dealing with the same. I got myself into a top education PhD program. I worked hard over two years - earning fellowships and scholarships and passing my initial comprehensive exams. I went to prison with my head held up and I survived the experience. So, no, I am not ashamed. To be honest, I'm humbly proud of myself. I owe my success to so many people, and hope to pay forward as much as I am able. I will be an example of someone who can make something of themselves after prison, and by doing so, I know I will help others not give up on their goals/dreams either.

Anyway, lunch went well, although I hate that my time is limited. We would've kept talking. I have a feeling I'll be working with this professor friend of mine sometime again in the near future, and I know she carries no judgement of me. That's the way I hope I am when a future student comes to me with their hope for a second chance. There's no shame in asking for help and reaching out, the only shame is not reaching out and keeping it all inside.

The 6am Call

For the last week, it never fails. Someone from the "bubble" calls me to make sure I'm home. I guess that makes sense, since my technical curfew is 9pm-6am, but since I had no permission to be out yesterday or this morning, they could've let me sleep in until at least 7.

Okay, I know that I woke in the 6am hour, if not earlier, in prison. I'm home now, though, in a nice comfy bed, with my window open and fresh air pouring in, and no where to go. I'd like to sleep in. But no, that phone rings next to my bed and I must answer it.

It's actually difficult to be married to my house phone. I carry it around, put it down, and then find myself upstairs when it's downstairs, or downstairs when it's upstairs. I can't do stairs fast, so I have sent T.S. on the phone chase more than once while it was ringing.

I'd forgotten how many spam calls one gets on a house phone as well. It took me only days home to add the number to the national do not call list. Calls still make it through now and then. No, I am not interested in your product. No, I cannot answer questions about cleaning products. No, I am not interested in a magazine subscription. No, we are not selling this home (it is a rental in a rental community). 

Every time the phone rings, I believe it's the RRC checking up on me. They keep a log of their calls here and my calls there, ensuring I am where I am supposed to be at any given time. This is why you must have a home phone without call forwarding in order to be on home confinement.

Luckily, there are digital options to have a home phone. Comcast gives us ours. Many newer homes don't even offer a plug for analog phones anymore. This place does, as it is a 70's townhouse. My old apartment did not. So, if the power goes out, I pray the RRC doesn't try calling here, as I will only have my cell phone and cell phones are not allowed for check-ins. Good thing I only have 3 more weeks - six more drives to the RRC - and then we can cancel the home phone if we want to.

I should try to be productive after the 6am phone call. With white noise the only sound I hear, though, it's just too comforting to stay in bed. Today, though, my parents are coming, so I best at least get up and try to clean a bit before their arrival. So I guess I should thank the RRC for being a very precise alarm clock every morning.