When we know the facts

I'd be lying if I wrote that I slept well last night. I'm trying to figure out if I'm more upset by my sooner than expected surrender date or if I am using that because I am more scared of the other news, that I am officially going to FMC Carswell. I'd like to say that I hadn't researched much on Carswell, but my research on the place actually started 9 months ago. Somehow I knew, my health had recently changed for me, and if I were to get incarceration in sentencing, there was a better chance than not that I'd be headed to Carswell.

In late September, 2012, I was riding home on my motor bike - a cute 50cc pink scooter I named "Hope" and I passed out. Ten days hospitalized locally, high inflammatory markers, high white blood count, other odd blood tests, but most doctors were stumped. My oxygen levels fall. I spend 6 weeks on 24 hr oxygen and I'm only 39 years old. Three trips to the Cleveland Clinic, work locally with rheumatologists, neurologists, pulmonary, cardiology, neuro-psych, and gastroenterology, and I'm currently on 8-9 pills/day and a weekly rhumatological injection with only a working diagnosis. But I feel better most days at about 60-75%.

The prosecutor's case against me literally moved forward within days after the initial hospitalization was over. Suddenly, instead of looking at going to a prison camp, I had a medical condition that top doctors were working hard to treat and understand. 

So, I knew, of course I knew, if I were sentenced to incarceration, it would have to be to a medical facility. The only problem is that there is only one medical facility for female federal inmates in the U.S. It has some of the most negative reviews of healthcare one could imagine. Cancer that goes untreated. Women waiting months to see doctors. Body bags for women who had treatable conditions. I know I will be out soon enough to avoid these issues. Even if I am in pain, I can withstand my 10 months. I will survive anything. I just can't be there and do nothing about what I will see going on around me. At the same time, troublemakers get time added on to their sentences, time in the "hole," inability to use commissary or phone or email, and I need these things. At least I think I do. Maybe I am being sent to Carswell to make a difference. To be a voice. To add that chapter of observation to my writings. To help the women there. I don't know. At least not yet.

One thing that I will say that is unique about Carswell is that since it is the only medical center, women at all criminal levels are in one location. While I am eligible for minimum security at a camp, I can be rooming with a murderer. This is truth. The only two women on death row in the U.S. are at Carswell, although they are kept separate than the general population. Instead of a prison camp without fences, there will be two rows of fences with barbed wire. Seven men working at Carswell since 1995 have been convicted of raping inmates, including a priest. I am strong enough to go and be there. I will be ready. I will make a difference!