When Trust is Violated

I was having a really decent day. I got a lot of things done at work. I met with Dr. P. (my academic advisor) and we finalized the plan for my independent study during my incarceration, and a very good friend (Halo) came over tonight for dinner, chatting, and packing. My curio cabinet and most of my fragile pieces outside my kitchen are officially in boxes! Good thing because I think I found a place to consign my curio cabinet!

Unfortunately, just after Halo left, I received a call from a friend who I am not very close to, but displays the most incredible integrity. She heard some gossip about me today and instead of engaging in the gossip, she contacted me to let me know. THAT IS A REAL FRIEND!!! Turns out that someone in my trust circle at school. Someone I've known since day 1 and knows my whole story, decided to tell someone at a party of my colleagues to google me and the reason I'm taking a leave of absence. She then gave her the exact hints on what to google to find my indictment.

That person told another colleague who told another colleague who told another... You get the idea. When I say that the original person was in my circle, I mean they were on my list of 30 for prison. They are best friends with other good friends of mine. Yet, I can't remember a time having had my trust violated deeper. 

Interesting thing was what I did next. I wasn't passive or spiteful. First, I made sure that the person who shared with me knew how grateful I was and how much integrity she showed. We always need to let people know when they do something positive. Then I went straight to the source and tried calling the person who started the gossip. Thing is, in the past I was passive. So passive. I could confront no one for myself. I was not going to scream. I wanted to ask her to tell me her side of the story (there are always two sides of a story and I will not fully pass any judgment until she tells her side). Those of us in trouble with the law know all too well how often judgment is passed without the ability to tell our story, I want to hear hers.

Next, I talked with friends who support me and came up with ideas for next steps. When I'm emotional, I know that I need to lean on my friends more, not less. My friends always show how amazing they are.

Finally, I talked to one of my colleagues who spread the rumors who was already informed that I knew. Gossip really does spread fast in my educational program! I started the conversation with the preface that I was not mad at her or any of the others who may have spread the stories. I had never spoken to them and they were never told in my confidence, therefor, it would be misplaced for my anger to be at them. My anger is only at the person who did violate my trust. She is responsible for the consequences of doing so.

Anyway, I asked this woman to gather those people who are now "in the know" of some piece of my story of indictment and/or prison and that I'd like to have the opportunity to meet with them all together, tell them the truth, ask for an end to the gossip and professionalism as colleagues, and answer their questions.

She agreed. In the meantime, she apologized numerous times about her actions and took responsibility for continuing the rumor to others. I think the way this is all being handled may be a learning opportunity for everyone involved.

The one person I hope to still hear from is the person who violated my trust. I want to know why. It seems so out of her character. Was it alcohol? Jell-O shots? Did she regret it? Did she even think about it afterwards? 

People gossip all the time. We have magazines full of gossip. From what I can tell, prisons are also full of gossip. But there's gossip that's harmless and gossip that's harmful. Most people know the difference. A person's criminal status is certainly one that could go on the harmful side in many circles. There are places we must tell - employment applications - but we are under no obligation to tell everyone.