From Dragonfly: A Little Hope(less)

I always try to be positive, but am unable to do so at the moment. Not that some okay things haven't happened since I last wrote. I was called into the Education Department on Monday morning and told that I would be taking over as Head Tutor that moment in a classroom with that educator who told me off last week. She didn't know about my hire until today (because she is out sick quite a bit). So, I love having the job and working with the students, but there is stress with her anger at the fact that her last tutors were fired and I was hired in their place without her say. She has lost her say in hiring decisions, but this puts me at a very high level of expectations. My issues are not with my new job, however.

Have you ever been in that position where you think you know your path and that you think you are doing the right next thing, but, somehow, life throws you for a loop and you are lost? That's me at this moment. I'm not as lost as I was in 2008, when losing everything put me on the brink of killing myself and I had a deep belief that I was "broken." I'm not there, because my recovery and therapy from addiction helped me come to terms with what "broke" me and how to be okay with who I am (including my prior bad acts I did while under the reality of addiction). I am a constant work in progress and believe that every new day is a chance to learn something new and be just a little bit better. Hard to do in prison, but I try, nonetheless.

My favorite time of the day is always "mail call." I did not receive much today - except for a letter. A letter from my University. A letter from the Dean of my Graduate School. All those things that were told to me just two months ago, about my support and that I had a home at my school. It's all crashing down. That leak in my friends who decided to break my trust and send my indictment to others. The others who bullied me and kept the indictment moving forward. The advisor who was my biggest advocate, who decided could not support me anymore. All of it based on an indictment that speaks of one sides case and so much was not even in my plea. Now, my University is questioning whether my admission will be rescinded. I have until October 12th (or earlier because mail from here takes time) to respond to the allegations that I should not be a student at my school because I did not share this prior employment on my resume. I know that you do not have to share every job ever worked on your resume, as long as the resume speaks the truth. My resume does. It also doesn't include the day I worked at a cell phone graveyard (long story), the six months I served as a paralegal (not relevant to anything), etc. Everything on my application resume was true, but I left off the position that I was terminated from. It was an old position by the time I applied to my school. I had three jobs that were more recent and relevant (whereas my prior job was not relevant) to the field of study I was applying to. I can fight these accusations, but then I question, "why?" I mean I LOVE school and I LOVE what I do and I am GOOD at it. But, I will only return to a school that does not want me there, a department that will not support me. I don't know how I would be able to put together a guidance committee, find a new advisor, or receive recommendations when I graduate.

At the same time, the right thing to do is fight. My crime occurred in 2008. I applied to my school in late 2010. I have not gambled since 2008. I have not done a bad act since that time either. I lost two careers - my legal career and my non-profit career - due to my crime. I turned to education. Education promises second chances for adults. There are programs for ex-offenders to get into higher education. Somehow, because my crime affects people emotionally (I hurt a community I love and that supported me greatly), they cannot see beyond the bad acts. These are people who have only known me in recovery. People who have seen me give back and help others. Who I am today seems to not matter.

I do not know how I am supposed to look forward to release when I am losing something I love and have committed myself to. If I do fight, I could win. What then? Do I change programs in my institution? Sporty and T.S. just moved to where my school is. T.S. is a student there and Sporty is getting a job there. She is setting up the home I will return to after I am released. I only live there because of school. School provides me inspiration, my job, my health insurance, everything. Should I really just be flipping burgers? Am I not worthy to be a professor because of my past? Am I not worthy of obtaining my PhD, even though I have a good gpa and have shown myself a good researcher and educator? Should my gifts be wasted because of my past?

It is times like right now that I wish I had my G.A. meetings. I wish I had the ability to surround myself by my incredible friends and community. I question my higher power. I don't question his existence, I question what I am supposed to do and why this is happening all over again. Most people in G.A. may lose everything once. For me, I'm losing it all again, even though I never placed another bet nor continued my prior bad acts. Is there a purpose for all of this? Am I supposed to fight? Am I supposed to just give in?

I don't think I should give in. I think, at the very least, I need to write back and speak my truth. I may include a copy of my pre-sentence report (which a friend will have to send to them because I have no access to any documents). At least in the PSR, it is two sided. It talks about all the work I've done on myself. It mentions that I have done everything a person could do to ensure they never commit another crime. Yet, the school is interested in why my resume did not include that one job. I have a defense for that. I find it unfair that I am having to fight this within the confines of prison, rather than their waiting for my release. So powerless, I feel.

I know, this is a rambling writing. I apologize. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out. I tried calling friends. None answered. I hadn't been able to get into email for a while (technical difficulties while installing thumbprint readers for security). I don't like that this is the first message I am writing. But, sometimes, I can't just show my observations. Life is about feeling the emotions of what is happening and going through it (in addiction I was all about avoidance). I cannot avoid the situations I am currently presented with. I must face them all - sometimes at the same time. It is hard. It is emotional. It is lonely. It causes sadness, anger, fear, and so much more. I must live this one day at a time. I must trust in the truth and maintain my HOPE, even when feeling hopeless. I know, I'm a contradiction. And, that's where I am today - a not so good day.