From Dragonfly: Cinderblock Walls

Every morning I wake up and face a cinder block wall. Due to the size of the rooms, each bunk bed is up against a side wall. I usually wake facing that wall. It represents so many things to me. I, often, reach out and touch the wall. It is very sturdy and white. I want to push it down, but of course I can't. I just don't want to be behind these walls anymore. I spend my time in recovery breaking down my personal walls, and now I literally have necessary walls that keep me in. Emotions are bad in prison. Having personal walls is good.

I, also, have walls to ensure that no one can access my private information. I keep all my stuff in a locked locker. I keep my thoughts in my mind. I keep my friends at a distance (those inside and outside of prison). It is impossible to fully explain what it is like here day in and day out. This place encourages an unhealthy way of life in every way.

I have a friend who received bad news lately. Her answer to this news... "I want to go smoke." Somehow, she has access to cigarettes and a place where she will not get caught smoking. The punishment for getting caught is time in the SHU, loss of email, loss of phone, and loss of other privileges. It doesn't matter. She just wants to "escape" her reality here for a nice long drag on a cigarette. Another inmate, overdosed on pills she bought on the underground market here. Anyone who wants to get "high," finds a way to do it. The walls here are not big enough to block the conduct of people who are desperate.

I can't say that I am really that different from myself outside these walls. I was always trying to follow the rules. I was a teacher's pet as a kid. This will surprise none of my friends. I always tried to avoid anything that could bring punishment. I guess I was punishing myself enough with self-destructive thoughts and behavior. There are some others here who appear to be a lot like me. We have never been in a physical fight (although, I realize I did fight back as a child against my sister once in a while). We have never been in trouble in school or work (except for the disastrous crimes that brought us on this side of the walls). The thing is that, most of us, never intended to hurt others or cause havoc. We got stuck, somehow, in our lives, our trust in others, or addictions. Our crimes are a result of that behavior - not the desire to cause havoc or break the law.

This morning, I was talking with Freckles about the women, here, who spends a ton of time and money on makeup. While I am behind these walls, I really care not about what I look like. There is no one to impress. I'm more comfortable just being "me." Freckles pointed out, correctly, that putting on the makeup may help these women feel just a little more normal, than we are able to feel while incarcerated. If they would do their hair and make-up every morning at home, being able to do it here gives them just a bit of normalcy, and perhaps control. I indicated that many of them are also trying to impress other women here. She agreed. However, it is important to try and keep a little of yourself while inside the walls.

For me, the opportunity to teach, is the thing that keeps me grounded. While my student is slightly different here than outside the walls, the opportunity to teach and learn remains the same. I still love the moment that I can see my students "click" with the concepts and gain understanding. Last week, almost none of my students knew how to properly write a sentence (there are some exceptions, of course). Today, most of the students wrote two full paragraphs! They are even getting their punctuation right. It brings me such joy. Yes, there is joy inside the walls. It is not the same joy as outside, but the ability to smile is wonderful.

Forty new inmates walked inside these walls this week (so far). They came through the Oklahoma transfer center, so they all spent some time inside some walls before arriving here. But the walls at Carswell are slightly taller here. They are more stringent. The walls are more demanding. I see their fear and their tears. Some have horrible roommates, like I had in the past. Some, can't believe they were transferred so far from home. It is hard to see past these walls to our future or opportunities for good. But, it is possible. Yes, I wake up and look at a cinder block wall every morning. I believe that one day, I will be successful, and my push will have impact. It will be the last push I do, and I will be walking outside the walls.