From Dragonfly: Entitlements

There's a lot of people who feel they are entitled here in prison. There are the women who think they OWN the table they always sit at. The women who are entitled to the one TV room. The women who can do anything against the rules and not get in trouble (believing they have the C.O.'s in their pocket). Entitlements are everywhere.

One area of entitlement I've come into trouble with is the laundry room. We all have our set times for washing and drying. Being so overcrowded, the laundry times start at 4:45am and end at 2am the next day. These washers and dryers are constantly running. There are some women in the unit who believe that an empty washer or dryer is automatically theirs. Every Wednesday night, at my laundry time, I face the same issues. One woman believes that she can use 2 of our 3 dryers at the same time. Why? Because she is making money doing other's laundry and overloads the washer with more than a single load. What happens is that when I am ready to move my laundry into the dryer at my time, the assigned dryer is being used. I've explained to her every week, that I have the dryer at 9:15pm, but she makes excuses that she cannot understand me and fights with me at the top of her lungs. She argues that the dryer is taking extra time or that she has permission to use a second dryer. Neither of these is true. For two weeks in a row, the C.O. has stepped in and told this woman that she must release my dryer. Talk about a red 'X' on my back. The laundry room is next to the C.O. office and he can hear her screaming. Doesn't change anything, though, because the following week, she does the same thing all over again. Last night, in order to allow the person washing to get their clothes into the washer on time, I had to stand, with all my wet clothing in my arms, for more than 5 minutes because my dryer was not available at my scheduled time. It was another inmate who finally stepped in, and then the C.O. I do my best to not fight with anyone. It's a direction I certainly don't want to go while in prison. But, every Wed., my anger increases. It may seem like such a stupid little thing, laundry time. But, if for some reason I can't get in the dryer on time, then my dryer time will be shortened (and we cannot hang our clothing to dry) and/or I will be forced to stay up til midnight to finish my laundry (which is hard with a 5:40am wake up). I am not the only person with this issue. These women are in the laundry room, claiming the irons, and making everyone else's life difficult seven days/week. It's their hustle - doing other's laundry - and they are not going to give in.

Another area of entitlement is that darn TV room. It is the only TV (except the news/sports TV) where inmates can listen without headphones. It has a door, and about 20 people can fit in the room (tightly). For the first three weeks of the new season of shows, about 12 of us crammed into that room on Thursday nights to watch CBS - "Big Bang Theory," "The Crazy Ones," etc. How we sign up for the TV is on Sunday nights, based on our badge number. One Sunday even numbers sign up first and the next week it is odd numbers. Since there were 12 of us watching, we were able to have someone get the room in Thursday nights. However, there was a group of women who claim that room for themselves. They are in the room day and night and were very angry that we were signing up for the room on Thursday nights. So, they took action. They gave all their badge numbers to one woman (who is responsible for the sign-up sheets) and she signs them up for every night BEFORE sign-up. One night, someone with our group was signing up for the TV and third in line... well, when she got to the front, all 7 nights was already signed up for... Since she was 3rd in line, we absolutely knew what was happening.

Here's the issue, though. If we say something to the C.O.'s, everyone will suffer. All the TVs will become off limits. That's how things work here. The bad acts of a few will result in punishment of the whole. So, for the last three weeks, we have allowed these individuals to be "entitled" to their TV room. We do not get to watch our shows. Mind you, the same thing they watch in the TV room (The Voice or X Factor), is also playing in the Atrium. We just accept this entitlement. That's how things go here. If you do not want to fight over STUPID issues, you just let them slide. Then, you find yourself just accepting the way things are. There are those in power, even among the inmates, and those without power (those of us trying to avoid losing good time or going to the SHU). This is just daily life in Carswell...

I found myself stuck with an entitlement yesterday. In the middle of my afternoon class teaching, the teaching staff came into my classroom and informed the students that since our teacher is not here (she's been gone over a month), they are dismantling the classes and moving all the students to other classrooms. Another teacher had been supervising me, but that was supposed to be only temporary. I sat in my chair, at my desk, stunned. I knew the students were doing well (in fact, many tested yesterday on a status check called a "TABE" and they are all moving up one step closer to taking the GED). Two students learned they passed the GED this week. Two more students are waiting for their GED scores. I'm so proud of the work we've been doing.

The teacher announced that I will be moving to his classroom as a third tutor. This was the first I've heard of this. I am being moved from a classroom where I was head tutor, responsible for curriculum, teaching, grading, and working directly with the teaching staff, to a third tutor, which means for now (at least) I will not be teaching. They made sure I knew that this was not a reflection on my work, as they know the students have been learning. It is just that they are not allowed to have a classroom without a staff teacher assigned. I knew this could occur, but I did not realize there would not be another teaching tutor position immediately available. In the new classroom I will have no desk, no curriculum planning, and I will just be more of a grader/gopher (they will ask me to do what they want around tutoring and I will do it). Sometimes, these extra tutors are asked to do more manual labor. It didn't really hit me until I was back at my unit, how unbelievably sad I am.

I've found 7 hours/day of time where I feel useful and almost forget I am in prison. My students and I were getting along well, had found a rhythm with the curriculum, and were making things work (even without a staff teacher). It was the time of every day that I was not stressed out. Working as a tutor has been the highlight of my days here. With this change, I am just sad and mad that I am losing this one thing I love. The head tutor in the classroom I am moving to, has 7 more years here. She is not going anywhere. So, grading papers it will be for me.

These feelings I had, were my entitlements. In a way, by being a teaching tutor, I actually was happy. I believed I could keep this position as long as I did a good job. However, I am just an inmate. I need to keep reminding myself that. As an inmate, my life can change here without notice. This change to my job is exactly what happens to other inmates every day. The anger I felt at the change was, likely, more about the fact that I have no rights, than the necessary change they were doing for the students in the classroom without a supervising teacher. I am not in prison to work. I am here to do my time and get home. I said the serenity prayer a lot last night. I did not sleep well. But, today, I am at acceptance. There is no where else healthy that my mind can be at while I am in this place.