From Dragonfly: A Message from England

I recently was written that a person from England sent me a message of support. I find that very interesting. I wonder what would draw someone to reading my words. I suppose it doesn't matter. I SO appreciate the support and comments. I've been told that many people have found their way to my words. I never imagined that would happen. My SIL and Sporty say it's due to my "voice." Interesting.

As newbie's come into my unit on a weekly basis, sometimes I ask them how they "researched" this place before arrival. So many say that they only read the online orientation book. I ask, "did you google Carswell?" and most say, "no." Obviously, I did enough researching for a 1,000 people over, but it still surprises me that they didn't do the same. Not one person I've met has told me that they've read my words. Fascinating.

A woman in my drawing class (yes, I signed up for a drawing class at indoor rec that occurs on Tuesday night's for one month) told me that she does not believe I will be allowed to go to a camp or halfway house. I asked, "why?" She said, well, we can all see your decline. I asked what that meant. She told me that I've slowed down, that my walking is very limited (especially at night and in the a.m.), and that my energy has decreased. I have to admit that the pain in my legs is much, much worse than when I arrived. I just was trying to mask it as much as possible. It's not like I can do anything about it. I still haven't seen the Rheumatologist, even though the consult was ordered in August. Perhaps my methotrexate needs to be increased, or maybe there's something else we can do. I don't want to be back on a cane, or even worse, on these walkers they give out like candy to anyone who has a hard time walking. I'm told I walk like an 80 year old woman. I guess that balances me out, because most people think I'm 20-something... I look half my age and physically I am twice my age.

I wonder what kind of career I could have after all this is over. Now that 3 careers have been taken from me as a result of my past actions, how will I, as a felon, make a living. Some have said that I should write a book. However, everyone in here says they are going to write a book. The difference for me is that my experience at Carswell would be just a chapter of a much larger book about "hope" and my life's experiences. So, I've considered it, but I'm not sure my writing is good enough, that my story is interesting enough, that my P.O. would consider that a job, or that my family would support such a venture. I wish I could write thrillers like John Grisham - then, perhaps, I would be an author.

With my physical limitations and felony status, the one thing I DEFINITELY don't want is to not work. I don't want to depend on public benefits. I want to be productive and give to people. I want decent health insurance, and the money to pay off my restitution. If I thought about what I may be like 5 years from now, I see a blank slate - anything is possible. It is always possible. For now, I'm just letting go and allowing myself to have no specific plan.

Sharing these words with you helps. The biggest difference in my life from 5 years ago is that I was alone. Now, I have incredible friends and community support (even support from England, I suppose). I know that as long as I keep sharing, as long as my recovery stays strong, I will always have a cheering squad wishing me the best. They may be the only ones to buy my book, if I wrote one, but at least it wouldn't be that no one would read it. Perhaps I will find a way to continue my international travels. I've never been to Europe (even if my words have). There's so much possibility for everyone. So, the support means a lot to me - from friends and strangers - and I will keep writing - because it's something I've always done. My voice will stay out for people to read. Maybe that is how I will do some good, maybe.