From Dragonfly: Wrong Side of the Bed

Some days I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Today, was one of those days. I don't mean that I woke up all the way pressed up to the cinder block wall (which I was), but rather, somehow I did not wake up cheery eyed and in the best mind-set. Last night, I had a dream about school. I was happy in my dream and I was back doing what I love. But, then I woke up, and the reality hit me instantly --- I am no longer a student. I may never be a student again. And then the next thought hit me like a ton of bricks --- my past advisor informing me that she went to "bat" to allow a student, accused of and jailed for, having a relationship with someone underage --- who was allowed back into the program. So, I am, in her book, and perhaps the university's, worse than a sex offender. Okay, I know this goes a bit too far, but we all know, we do not think rationally the minute we wake up. So, I rolled over, and I tried to put positive thoughts into my head. I said the serenity prayer numerous times. I thought about all those things and people I am grateful for. And then, I just decided to get up and watch the news, where I saw a news story about a young boy with rapidly aging disease who died at the age of 17. Perspective, right? He was an amazing young man, whose parents would do anything and everything to slow down the progression of his debilitating disease, but in the end, he was unable to become a young adult. I don't care what side of the bed I wake in, it's a choice for me to try to see each day as a promise of hope. I am in a lot better shape and circumstances than many, many people in this world. Sometimes our minds play tricks on us and try to take us down, but we have a choice. To me, it may not have been a pleasant morning, but I am going to make the best of this day. I started by eating a decent breakfast and having a V-8. (I didn't want to go through the day thinking, "I could've had a V-8!"). I will play some scrabble this afternoon with the set in our unit - it has missing tiles, which we made little cardboard squares for and ensured we had all our playing pieces. You've never seen a sadder scrabble set, but we still get to play. South acts as our scrabble dictionary - what she says goes. Later, I will do my laundry, and 'choose' to not let the laundry politics get to me. Tonight is taco salad for dinner - one of my faves both inside and outside of prison. It tastes better on the outside, but I will enjoy it nonetheless. I will read my new Reader's Digest and do some crosswords in my new crossword book. I will sit outside with friends - in 74 degree weather - in the middle of January! - and gain some vitamin D. So, I may have started my day in anger, but I am filling it with things that may bring me a little joy. I will not let anxiety take me down.

I will admit that it's hard sometimes. When one day looks just like the day before and we know that tomorrow will look just like today. There will be no "good" surprises. Prison is just a test in how much "same" one can get used to. But, my birthday is coming up soon. My mom, stepdad, and SIL will be visiting me next weekend. I have some "good" heading my way. That is enough to hold onto. I cherish the moments of "difference" here and that helps get through the mundane. We can actually choose whether we wake up on the "wrong side of the bed" or if we just have to work a little harder to get outside our negativity and see the potential of each and every day. As always, the serenity prayer helps guide my thoughts in that direction. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.