From Dragonfly: I Am Not a Quitter

I really am not. I believe in perseverance, and pushing past road blocks. You've read me believing in that several times. Last night, though, I did submit my resignation. It was not easy to do. When I walked into the department, my supervisor was busy, so I waited. When she was available, I walked into her office, I told her that I was handing in my resignation. I waited for a question or something, but she just said, "okay, put it over there." And that was it. I asked her if she had any questions for me and she just said, "no." I walked out and my eyes were full of tears. I really liked my job.

However, it's been a long road to gain the self-respect I deserve. I used to allow myself to be taken advantage of or treated wrongly, saying, "I deserve this." I had a million reasons in my head for why I should be treated badly - the biggest being that I was secretly destroying myself through my addiction. I did not believe the respect I was ever given was deserved.

There is a much older woman, a Gam-Anon member, who now has more than 45 years as part of our program. She always ends her conversations with, "remember, you are a beautiful child of god, deserving of your love and respect." It took me a while to get past the pushing of religion to actually hear the message. She tells everyone that we deserve to be treated well and to treat ourselves well. It took me a couple years, but a couple years ago, I started to believe that. She was at my 5 year pinning, just before my imprisonment, and she walked up to me and said those words. I nodded. But then, I was a prisoner, and in prison, it is hard to accept that you should not be treated badly - not by staff, not by other inmates, and not by yourself. There is only one person you can look out for in prison - and it is yourself.

I am not innocent in the way things went down at my work. I let it happen. The first time I was spoken to with a voice that was condescending, I should have said what I was thinking, "don't talk to me that way." When I was accused of something I didn't do, I should have said, "you have that story all wrong, here's the truth." When my desk was suddenly taken over and my things were being misplaced and thrown out, I should have said, "stop." I didn't. I let it happen. I am still afraid of prisoners - of those who get angry and/or violent. Both push me back into my ball.

So, then, I needed to step back. I am a beautiful child of god, deserving of love and respect. I am a beautiful child of god, deserving of love and respect. And then, I look to the serenity prayer... courage to change the things I can. I am not going to throw someone else under the bus to gain the respect I know I deserve. I need to walk away from a volatile situation. That is the thing I can change. It's the only way to move forward and feel good with my actions.

So, for the next couple weeks, I still have to get dressed in my uniform - join all the employees, and check in at work. I have to do it until my name appears on the "change sheet" moving me from "education" to "unassigned." It could take days or weeks, so I have to be ready to just show up. After checking in, I will come back to my unit. I will find things to fill my time. I still have several novels to read and I want to study for the GRE that I still plan to retake once I am released.