From Dragonfly: Sleepless Nights

I had a very hard time falling asleep last night. I was tired enough, but I just couldn't stop thinking about things that were causing me stress - like my life just before I was terminated from my job, the family I considered "mine" that I was living with (partner, three kids) that have long since moved on, old friends I've lost, and poor decisions/choices I made over the years of my unhealthy, addictive behavior. During step 9 of the GA program, the first person I had to make amends to was myself. Once I was able to forgive myself - more than a year and a half into the program - I was able to start making amends with others on my list. The last amends for my addictive behavior I made standing in the courtroom, the day of my sentencing, when so many "haters" were hearing me for the first time since my crime, where I took responsibility and apologized for my actions. The words were so real, but I was caught up in emotions, overwhelmed by the number of people there who spoke against me and the things they believed about me that just were not true. I still fear that my statement to the judge, and everyone in the courtroom, did not come out as 'real'. I'd practiced it several times, crying, but standing in the courtroom that day, just prior to learning that I was, in fact going to prison, I was able to speak the words, but could not connect with them; as I knew so many people were staring at me, frowning, hating, shaking "no" at every word I spoke. I knew they did not believe a word I said, and somehow, I lost the ability to feel the words coming out of me. I know that it didn't matter what I said, by that point, the judge had already made clear her feelings for me and only let me speak after everyone in the room and just before handing down the sentence she'd already decided upon. It didn't matter how beautifully Faith and Survivor spoke about our addictions, or my story; nobody was listening.

I had done my step 9 well before I ever knew I'd actually be charged with wire fraud, well before I was back in school and finding a new path that allowed me to see a new future. They say that we have to keep working our steps, and I do. I practice my steps every day, but I have not written out my steps in years. I think it's time I do so, again. I think I had such a restless night, because I need to forgive myself again. My addiction did not just start with my first day at a casino, the behavior was there prior to finding my outlet, when I was teen and making other unhealthy choices due to my low self-esteem, loneliness, and fear. This next time I work my steps, I need to take myself back to those earlier days, the days where it all started. I need to write out those stories this time.

Perhaps, in time, my memories of the past will be able to be less restless, and I will be able to look back, clear my head, and get a good night's sleep. I, actually, sleep pretty well most nights, now. From the time I was about 11 through my mid-30's I had very restless nights, up and down all night long, not able to turn off my head. I would do puzzle magazines to calm my thoughts and help me go to sleep. With the advancement in cell phones, I would play a word game, or something to clear my thoughts, always to fall asleep. I no longer have to do that. I fall asleep when tired, although I still like to do a crossword or something while getting my eyelids to fall heavy. Even with all the unknowns in my life, most nights, I am able to feel the calmness of having done my best I could for the day. I try not to have the anxiety of yesterdays or tomorrows - the past is the past and the future is yet to come. One day at a time clears my head. I can be good with just one day.

Everyone in prison has some restless nights, especially when they first arrive. It's loud here. There's no darkness. We have roommates that are up and down at all hours and some that snore. Some roommates can't stop talking, others never want the light off. Sleep is hard, at times. Usually, in time, we all are able to sleep enough. At least we can sleep, until the flashlight of midnight, 3am, or 5am counts crosses our eyelids. I've even learned to sleep through that, most nights.

Tonight, I'm going to clear my head before trying to go to sleep. I will have my puzzle magazine beside me, just in case. I will read my daily recovery readers, and keep those positive thoughts stirring as my only thoughts as I lay down. If I find myself restless, I will turn on my light at my bed, grab a pad of paper and pencil, and restart step one... perhaps that will help for today.