Today was a day that allowed me to know that I truly do deserve to be happy. Sure, people will say that we all deserve happiness, but sometimes our lives are filled with just too much fear, or pain, or loss, for us to find our own happiness. In the past, I did not believe I deserved happiness. I once told someone who was mean to me, "thank you for treating me the way I deserve to be treated." When we hate ourselves, we believe we deserve the worst of life.
There are others who also will believe we deserve only bad. I'll never forget being in the courtroom at my sentencing. The judge was saying that she didn't believe I should stay in school. She said, "I think you need to rethink your future." The prosecution side of the courtroom could not agree more with her. In their eyes, I did not deserve to have a rewarding career. Regardless of the restitution I still have to pay, they just wanted to see me suffering. I hurt their/my community with my embezzlement, I should suffer eternally.
Although my school advisor thought it wrong that the judge said such a thing, the 180 she did later made the judge's prediction much more likely to happen. Was I not to continue toward my phd? Is this one of those situations I needed to merely accept, and move on?
It's like the serenity prayer: god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Was this one of those things? Did I just need to accept that pursuing my doctorate was something I could no longer do?
As you all know, I felt in my gut that I still have a right to pursue my education and I didn't want anyone else saying I could not do it because of my past.
Therefore, I felt that the situation with my university fell in the second line of the serenity prayer: the courage to change the things I can. I believed with my whole heart and soul that I deserved to be in school and that this was something I could still pursue.
Was I just kidding myself, though? I mean, I'm less than two months out of prison. Nothing happens fast and maybe I needed to have the wisdom of that acceptance.
I'm so glad I believed in myself and my future. Today I received a letter admitting me to the criminal justice program at my university. My application was deemed complete just two days ago, so I was not expecting to hear from them so soon. Although I am admitted to the master's program, they put in their admission three doctoral level courses I should take this semester. The courses will transfer into my doctoral program when they are able to admit me for next fall. I will not have to lose a year of time toward my doctorate! I will have the opportunity to do meaningful research and policy work to help build a justice system that is more just and to help change the system of incarceration. Instead of complaining, I am being given the opportunity to make a difference.
Based on my admission, my job can officially rehire me as their graduate research assistant. In mid-August, I will move from volunteer to employee. I will be able to take back my car from my parents and pay my half of the rent and utilities. I will be able to start real payments toward my restitution.
They said it would be impossible, especially at this late date, to get readmitted. But, I had courage. I chose to try to change the things I could. I was honest and humble. I take nothing for granted. Now, I can officially say, I am back in grad school and I WILL walk across that stage one day and receive my doctoral degree!
If I can make things happen for me, anyone can. You just need to be your best person. Don't think of your past as a detriment. It's an asset. Those that are willing to listen, will see past your crime and see the person you really are. Being happy helps too.
So, be warned. I am a very happy person. The happiness I already felt has quadrupled exponentially. I got back into school even after everything that happened. Dragonfly Hazel soars!!!!
Congratulations! I know you can do so much good with your degree. Research on reducing recidivism and finding appropriate educational interventions for inmates is so important for society, so maybe your research will go in that direction. This is the first step on the road to great things!
ReplyDelete