From Dragonfly: Cosmetic Beauty

We like to cover up our wrinkle, cracks in the wall, hide the defects, do just enough so that no one can see beneath the exterior at all the mistakes, damage, and ugliness. We think that if we put on a good enough "show," no one will notice the problems. We will be seen as perfect. We want to be perfect.

So it seems right now at Carswell. Region is coming this week and next. For the past month, we've been landscaping, painting, dry-walling, mopping, water blasting, hanging, scrubbing, touching up, and more to prepare. All the units were painted, no more colors on our columns. The walls throughout the facility are being painted and/or touched up. The floors are being fixed. The flowers are being planted. The books are being put away. The closets are being cleaned out. The top of shelves are being cleared. The washers/dryers that are broken are being replaced. The tables are being stabilized. New chow hall tables are being built. All surfaces are being deep cleaned. The exterior windows are being water blasted free of bird feces and other debris. This is region. We have to look good.

I, honestly, don't know what region is going to be doing while here. I can imagine every facility goes through a similar process when the "higher ups" are visiting. I would imagine they see 'through' the cosmetic fixing, and want to know what's happening on the inside. Although, I for one, am grateful for the clean window and newly painted walls. If only they'd do something about the cracked, ugly, hard, cold, and stained concrete floors.

I can't imagine trying to figure out the best way to run a prison. I suppose it's based on the goals you want for the inmates. Is the goal just to separate them from society? Rehabilitation? Well, actually, the idea of helping people become better citizens is something the prison system learned long ago is nearly impossible to do. There are just too many people in prison to have a broad enough impact. Some programs and education certainly do help, but the inmate needs to be motivated. The prison has a very hard time helping people find the motivation.

A couple days ago I was talking with a neighbor. She was telling me about her crimes - including bank robbery and more. She was desperate when it started - a one woman scheme - because she wanted to be able to purchase Christmas presents for her kids. Now, she's been away from those kids for several years. I asked if she would do it again. She said, "if I were that desperate, I'd do it again." I was very surprised by her answer. She's not the only person who feels like that. Everyone has a different level of desperation, where they'd do anything to survive. For me, the holidays can include no gifts, just good memories, and all would be good. For her, she believed she had to provide expensive gifts to her family. There are a lot of people like that in the world. Later, I learned a bit of her back story - scary things including being kidnapped for over a month and all the bad things that men do when they kidnap you and come from an ordeal like that.

Then I thought to myself, "she's lost her belief in humanity." Suddenly, her crimes made just a bit more sense. I don't think it justifies the crimes, it just may help make sense on how she may rationalize her criminal behavior. There are so few women in here who did not at some point rationalize their crimes to believe that what they were doing was what they "needed" to do. Sometimes it was for love, sometimes to feed their children, sometimes for medical care, sometimes to feed an addiction, sometimes to care for a parent, sometimes to help a friend, sometimes because they were naive, sometimes because they blamed the world... Once you commit a crime and get away with it, the next time, it is easier than the first to believe you will get away with it again. It's the rare person in here who got caught the first time.

This morning, while waiting for my commissary, Freckles came to check in with me and say, "good morning." I announced, "63 days and a wake-up."
She said, "you shouldn't count yet... not until you get your papers back from region."
I said, "I am asking, visualizing, and believing." The lessons from the 6 Keys to Happiness class.
She had a good point though, "don't count the days, make the days count." Ah, I said I'd have to take that statement forward, like writing it here. Make the days count. I really like that. I may not be able to help myself from counting the days, but making each day count is way more important.

I can't spend the next two months just counting the days and putting on a cosmetic smile. I need to be real. I need to be productive. I need to spend time with friends and write and call and email. I need to not be superficial, like like all the work being done around Carswell right now. It's not about getting through the days, it's about being the best we can be every day. Sure, I could just sit and try to look pretty, but I'd much rather be moving forward and being the person I'm meant to be.