From Dragonfly: Losing Faith in Humanity

It is so easy to lose faith in humanity while in prison. People lie to you. They lie right to your face and you have no idea, even your friends. Weak people get manipulated by the strong ones, and you just have to sit back and watch it. Everyone is only really looking out for themselves, they rarely want what's best for anyone else. Sometimes I do think back to the day before I arrived, "you come with no friends, you leave with no friends." I've often discounted this saying, but today, at least this moment, I'm not so sure.

Today I learned that someone I like and trust has been lying to me. She did something that got other friends in trouble, yet she said that she didn't do it. I don't know why she would have done it. I don't know why she needed to lie to me about it. If you have to lie about something, then you probably should NOT be doing it. It's kind of like people in here who fear that their "relationships" will be shared with the outside world. If they feel like they can't share it with the outside world, then they probably shouldn't be doing it. If you have to meet in out of bounds area to spend time with someone intimately, then you probably shouldn't be meeting with them.

While I've been reworking my steps, I have been writing out stories from my years prior to recovery. The stories are examples of how sick I really was. So many stories include me lying, manipulating, fearful of something/someone, afraid my reputation would be diminished, hating myself and my actions. Today, I don't live a life like that. There's nothing about my life that I fear. I am a felon. I am an addict in recovery. I love my family. I have done bad things. I am not a bad person. I never got out of my shorts and t-shirt today, I should really brush my hair, I ate a pouch of tuna for lunch, I did a dozen crossword puzzles this morning and finished none of them, etc. There's nothing about my life I'm ashamed of. It is my life and I'm just doing the best thing I can do every day. One day at a time.

I am also naive. I believe in the best in people. I believe when someone tells me something, they are speaking the truth. I wasn't that person, before, so why should they be. I should never have expectations on anyone else. We are all flawed. But, I am my true self with folks. I love openly and dislike openly. I feel hurt that this person was lying to me about something really important. It has nothing to do with me, yet it shows me the kind of person they are. I cannot change who they are or what they did. I need to give them the benefit of the doubt - so few did that to me when I was blamed for everything I did and didn't do. I need to allow them to tell me their side, to make amends if it is needed, and to move forward.

Even with my distaste at what this person did, I cannot judge them. He who casts the first stone... kind of thing. I need to be compassionate. I need to try to understand and speak the truth of how it makes me feel. That's my attempt at being humane. At being a better person than I once was. We all make mistakes - some big, some small - now that I know what this person did, they have a chance to be honest. I hope they make that choice. I hope she chooses honesty, over fear.